Skulduggery Pleasant: Some Days Are Just Plain Odd
by Reia Kellyn
Summary: Drabbles, AUs, action, old romance, new romance, angst, drama, comedy, Fletcher's hair gel, loafers, general hijinks and Anton Shudder being a sex fiend.
1. Some Drunkeness Ensues

_**OK people it's my first fanfic - don't go all paya-hata on me, please?**_

_**Reviews are welcomed :D**_

It was early evening in Gordon's mansion and Valkyrie was bored. Skulduggery was reading some ancient manky book (_gross,_ Valkyrie thought), Tanith was God-knows-where, Ghastly was measuring material and Fletcher was doing something unholy with his Spongebob Squarepants toy.

Valkyrie got up and wandered through to the kitchen. She opened the fridge door, hoping to find some of Fletcher's hair gel tubes he'd put in there earlier to use as bait against him, but all she saw was several vodka bottles left over from a party weeks ago. She sighed, closed the fridge door and went back to the living room where Fletcher was now licking the TV screen.

She stared for a few moments then turned back around.

*Several hours later*

''Where's Valkyrie?'' asked Skulduggery, sitting up in his chair. Ghastly and Tanith looked up from their cosy kissing session. ''I don't know,'' Tanith replied, ''she wasn't here when I arrived.'' Fletcher looked up from the TV screen mid-lick and shrugged. ''Last time I saw her she was going into the kitchen''. Skulduggery blew out. _Damn that girl for going missing whenever you want her to make you a hot chocolate. Wait, I need a cover story._ ''Well, we're starting a demanding new case tomorrow so I'm going to find her and tell her to get to bed. I'd ask you to help me but that would imply you have say in the matter.''

The others got up and joined him.

Tanith and Ghastly went to check the back rooms while Fletcher checked the porch. Skulduggery went down the main corridor and saw lights shining out from the cupboard under the stairs. ''Guys?'' he called out, ''I think I've found her...''

Once the three of them had joined him Skulduggery took a deep breath and opened the cupboard door. Multicoloured strobe lights spun around the space where Valkyrie, Mel Gibson, Dusk and Harry Potter sat playing cards, the smoke from their cigars creating a weird mist.

''Valkyrie!''

''Dusk!''

''MY CIGARS!'' Ghastly yelled and had to be forcibly restrained by Tanith.

Skulduggery hit his head with his palm. 'Not you three again...''

He pulled out Harry who howled ''Noo! That's my home!'' and then Mel and Dusk who looked quite stoned and unsure of what was going on. He got some help from Ghastly (who sobbed at the loss of the cigars) throwing them outside, then they all turned back to Valkyrie and raised their eyebrows (apart from Skulduggery who tried to assume a threatening stance which was not very threatening at all being as he was very thin). Valkyrie tried to grin. ''That was a marvellous display of unanimous eyebrow-raising, I'm very impressed.''

Then the grin turned into something else and she vomited all over Ghastly's shoes.

''MY HAND-MADE ITALIAN LOAFERS!'' Ghastly yelled and collapsed. ''Well that was kind of gay,'' Fletcher remarked in the middle of back-cobing his hair. ''Maybe Ghastly's on the turn.'' Tanith shot him a glare as she pulled Ghastly by his arms to the living room. ''Well I feel sorry for the guy, you know, all his cigars stolen and expensive shoes covered in orange slime -why's her sick orange anyway - and he outs himself as gay in front of his girlfriend and best friend, you know, not his best day...'' Fletcher's voice cut off as he moved down the hall.

Skulduggery turned round and saw Valkyrie giggling silently to herself as she set the carpet on fire. He groaned, picked her up, put her on his shoulder and carried her upstairs. ''I only wanted hot cocoa, is that really too much to ask for?'' he whispered sadly to himself.

After setting the now sleeping Valkyrie down in her bed he brushed some hair away fro her face and remembered that she would have to get some of her protective clothing from her house early tomorrow for their case. The last time Valkyrie had a hangover it had lead to a half-naked chase around Paris and several bizarre run-ins with Fatboy Slim. It wasn't going to end well.

Skulduggery touched her forehead for a few moments then stood up. In the doorway stood Tanith, Ghastly and Fletcher.

Slowly, they raised their eyebrows. Skulduggery gave a nervous laugh. ''That was a marvellous display of unanimous eyebrow-raising, I'm very impressed.''


	2. Jailhouse Rock: Elvis

_**This chapter is dedicated to Tariana Grace for my first review, and Flaring Rhythm who I got the idea for this chapter off of. I'm pretty bored atm so I'll probably plague everyone with new chapters soon :L You have been warned *cackes oddly***_

* * *

Valkyrie looked around as she was pushed back into the corner by the snarling vampires. Tanith was upside down on the ceiling, stabbing downwards with her sword and Ghastly and Skulduggery were both trading blows with the fierce creatures. Nobody could see her in the corner. Nobody could see she was trapped.

She summoned a flame as a vampire sprang for her, but twisted around when she heard Skulduggery shout her name.

He'd broken free of the vampire he was fighting with a well-aimed right hook, sending it flying across the floor. It rolled to a stop and lunged up, facing them with burning eyes.

"Let's GO!" roared Skulduggery, sprinting out of the house they had been scouting out. Tanith flipped her off the ceiling and Ghastly followed her after slamming the vampire he had been fighting to the floor. Dramatic music played as the four of them ran through the dark forest, the vampires in pursuit.

Valkyrie looked around for the source of the dramatic music - perhaps a giant boombox hidden in the trees - but no such luck. She tripped over a thorny vine and rolled to a stop, gazing up into the face of a hissing vampire. _Damn that dramatic music_, she thought, and lost consciousness.

* * *

Valkyrie rolled over and groaned, then slowly opened her eyes. She was in a low, stone room and Tanith, Skulduggery, Ghastly, Kenspeckle and Fletcher were also there. She said the first thing that came into her head.

"I feel a bit like P. Diddy."

They all gave her strange looks.

"OK, ignore that. Why are we in a room that looks suspiciously like a jail cell?"

Skulduggery sat down beside her. "Well, Valkyrie... I redecorated my house."

"Really?"

"No, it's a magically bound jail cell. Worse luck."

"Ah."

When Valkyrie tried to sit up, she became aware of a splitting pain in her head. "What happened?"

Tanith answered. "Well, when you fell, you hit your head pretty hard. Ghastly fought off the vampire that was trying to bite you, so he got captured, I tried to help, but then they took my sword, and Skulduggery came along for the ride. They dumped us in this room."

"I got that, but why are Fletcher and Kenspeckle here?"

"I was kidnapped!" yelled Kenspeckle.

"Shush, old man," Fletcher said, poking him in the side. He turned to Valkyrie. "Well, I was in the getaway car-"

"We have a getaway car?" Tanith interrupted.

"Well, if by 'getaway car' you mean a ridiculous child's pedal car with no roof. Fletcher tied me out on top of it so his hair wouldn't get ruined by the rain," Kenspeckle muttered. Valkyrie bit back a laugh.

"Enough about my Noddymobile," Fletcher said. "Anyway, I heard a rumble in the jungle so I took Kenspeckle with me to see what was going on and then we got captured."

Ghastly added in, "You missed the part where you shouted 'FREEEEDOM' and tried to bite a vampire's toe."

"Well, that part made me sound less heroic."

* * *

An hour or so later, Fletcher announced he was bored, as he had been doing every ten minutes, exactly on the minute.

"Then why don't you keep yourself busy?" asked Ghastly, who was distractedly polishing his shoes so hard he had made a hole in them.

"Well, I sort of had an idea that started when Valkyrie said she felt like P. Diddy."

"Do go on," Skulduggery said, leaning forward.

"We could have a dance battle. We can re-work a Kesha song and it shall be a hit!"

"No way," said Skulduggery, shaking his head. "I shall never take part in something so degrading that strips me completely of my dignity."

''Well, so much for that plan,'' Skulduggery sighed ten humiliating minutes later. He was in a pair of neon pink legwarmers that Fletcher conveniently had in his man-bag (''For parties,'' Fletcher had explained) and was in dancing alongside Ghastly to _I'm Too Sexy_, music provided from Fletcher's mobile phone.

"I have to admit, this plan of Fletcher's was pretty good," Tanith grinned as she and Valkyrie clapped along to the music. "Ghastly really does suit lacy stockings... They make his legs look so defined."

* * *

A short time after that, Erskine Ravel broke down the door locking the six in after Cleavers had taken control of the vampire's base. Inside, Tanith was dancing against Skulduggery to _Toxic_, Ghastly was crying over his holey shoes, Valkyrie was giving Fletcher a lap dance (and secretly Fletcher was enjoying it), and Kenspeckle was curled up in the corner with his thumb in his mouth, rocking from side to side.

Ravel stepped out of the room. "Let's give them a while," he said to the Cleavers, with the expression of a man who had seen terrible, terrible things.


	3. Getcha Head In The Game: HSM

_**Bonus points if you got the A Very Potter Musical reference xD**_

* * *

Tanith was bored. Really bored. Seriously bored. Extremely bored - ENOUGH. She needed to do something _fun_, and since Ghastly and Skulduggery were out being manly men and beating up some poor soon-to-be toothless villain, her and Valkyrie were all alone. After this thought occured to her, she picked up her phone and dialled Valkyrie's mobile number.

''Hello?''

''Val, it's Tanith. Are you busy?''

''No, apart from extracting Fletcher's head from the wall.''

''I - wait. What? Why is his head in the wall?''

''He thought he saw Jesus in it, shouted 'Take me Lord!' and headbutted the wall. His hair's so thick it jammed his head in there.''

''Brilliant. Are you at Gordon's, then?''

''Yeah, if he got his head stuck in my parents' wall I would have to kill him. Quite literally. Come over!''

''Cool. I'll be there soon.''

She hung up and drove her motorbike over to Gordon's. True enough, when she entered the drawing room Fletcher was indeed stuck head first in the wall. She bit back a laugh and turned to Valkyrie whho was sprawled on the sofa. ''I thought you were helping him get out?''

''I was, but he kept hitting on me and somehow managed to squeeze my ass so I hit him and went over here. When his hair gel melts he should get out.''

''The day my hair gel melts will be the day Sanguine dances naked in public doing kareoke with some type of hideous bald monster.'' Fletcher proclaimed. (Several miles away, Sanguine stood up on a Gay Pride float, threw his clothes off and began a duet of _All You Need Is Love _with Springheeled Jack. But thats another fanfic.)

Valkyrie and Tanith began to rate guys: Skulduggery (''He's just so bony...no way!'' Tanith exclaimed while Valkyrie just blushed), Ghastly (''I have to admit a guy with scars is quite hot,''), Fletcher (''Cute and all...but just not hot'' ''No, not at all...'' said Valkyrie sadly. ''Hey guys! I'm right here!''), Caelan, Dusk and Guild (*silence*).

Valkyrie's phone buzzed as she was making popcorn for her and Tanith to throw at Fletcher, and she flipped it open to read a text from Skulduggery. **We got the guy we were tracking earlier than we thought, heading to Gordon's for hearty congratulations on our brilliance. **

She smiled.''Tanith! The guys are coming!'' The two females amused themselves for several joy-filled minutes hitting Fletcher with the popcorn until he threatened to tell Skulduggery and Ghastly what they had been saying about them.

Soon the living room window opened and the men popped in. ''So what are we getting up to tonight?'' Ghastly asked, treating Fletcher in the wall as an everyday occurence.

''We were thinking of playing Truth or Dare...'' Tanith grinned. After managing to convince Skulduggery the four arranged themselves in a semi-circle where Fletcher was trapped.

''So Tanith first...Truth or Dare?'' The blonde woman smiled lazily and snuggled into Ghastly's arms.''I'll pick truth.'' '

'OK...where is the best place you've slept with Ghastly?'' Everyone else snickered as Tanith went a deep shade of red. ''Um...probably on his living room couch last week.''

Skulduggery's facaded face turned white. ''Dear Gods,'' he whispered. ''I slept on that couch last night.'' They all winced as they heard him run into the bathroom.

There was silence.

''What's he doing?'' asked Fletcher nervously. There was sounds of retching. Fletcher winced. ''No need to tell me.''

''Moving swiftly on,'' said Skulduggery, emerging from the bathroom. ''Valkyrie, your turn.''

''I'll do a dare.''

''All right, later on tonight you have to...seduce Scapegrace.''

''Excuse me?''

''You have to seduce Scapegrace.''

''EXCUSE ME?''

''Just do it.''

* * *

And so they game went on, from things like daring Ghastly to tickle Echo-Gordon, getting Fletcher to admit he was beaten at chess by Thrasher's pet dog and then to something very, very awkward...

''Have you had any drunken one-night stands with anyone and if so, whom?'' Ghastly queried. Valkyrie hesitated. ''Skulduggery, I'm not sure you want to hear this...it was a few months ago, with someone you may have trusted...someone you may have even loved.''

''Tesseract?''

''Wreath?''

''Esryn Vanguard, Sanguine's father?''

''No...'' Valkyrie said, looking troubled. ''Fletcher.''

There was silence as they all turned to look at Fletcher's back, still stuck in the wall. Skulduggery growled, and the next thing they saw was Fletcher's surprised face disapearing out the window in a hail of glass.

''Thank God we're not high up,'' breathed Tanith.

''Ah, we're actually on the third floor...'' said Ghastly, looking nervous.

Down below them Fletcher Renn shakily got to his feet, saw his gel-less hair in a window, burst into tears then ran away.

''Well, there's still one more dare to do...'' Tanith grinned, texting Scapegrace.

Valkyrie sighed as she began to take off her shirt.


	4. Unfaithful: Rihanna

_**Valkyrie is in her twenties here. This chapter is probably going to be very short, but I just thought I should write some Valduggery :) **_

* * *

Valkyrie stirred in Skulduggery's arms. She looked over at him, the light streaming in from the window showing it was early morning. She reached out a hand to his skull and softly tapped his jawline. He said ''That tickles.''

She swore and jerked up.

''What?'' he chuckled. Couldn't you tell I was awake?''

''No...your eye sockets are always open so I never know! Jeez!''

Valkyrie flopped back down on the bed. ''Just like...move or something next time, OK?''

He nodded and put his arms around her. ''Valkyrie...''

''What's with that I'm-acting-really-nice-but-I-want-something-tone?'' she asked suspiciously.

''I never use a tone like that!''

''Yes, you do, you used it on that bad guy you wanted information off of before you broke his legs and jaw last month.''

''Yes...well...I was wondering if you'd get my hat for me...I left it downstairs...''

She propped herself up on an elbow and stared at him. ''We don't have to be at work for another three hours. Why do you want your hat?'' He sighed. ''I told you when we started going out, Valkyrie: I like you, I like working with you and I like being with you. But I can't be exclusively yours. I promised myself to her many years ago, when we first met in that corner of Ghastly's shop...'' He tailed off reminiscently.

Valkyrie sighed. ''That's the third thing I have to share you with alongside the Bentley and your 'Princess Grace'.'' Skulduggery looked fondly at the poster of the actress across the room. ''Ah, Monaco. I have the most curious story about that city involving a giant shrimp, a flaming sword and the King of Athens. Of course then he didn't know he was King which made the whole thing so much more interesting...so I was at this bar, and-''

''You can tell me later,'' Valkyrie said, cutting him off, knowing he could - and probably would - go on for hours.

''So are you getting me my hat or not?''

''Let me think - no.''

''But I'm so handsome and devilishly charming.''

''You're a skeleton.''

''I have impeccable dress sense and I'm so nice and polite.''

Valkyrie snorted. ''That's not what the guy whose legs you broke said.''

''I love you.''

''Everyone does.''

''I'll tell Ghastly it was you who scuffed his shoes.''

She blanched. ''Fine, no need to be so hasty,'' she grumbled, sliding out of bed.

Skulduggery privately grinned and lay down again. Valkyrie really was cute when she was arguing. Besides, she didn't have to know it was him who scuffed Ghastly's precious shoes. Skulduggery gave a wicked little laugh.


	5. The Social Network

**MAGES FTW CHATROOM**

**Skulduggery - MrBones**

**Valkyrie - Val**

**Tanith - Theswordlady**

**Ghastly - RightHookTailor**

**Fletcher - Oooohilovebutterflies**

**China - BeautifulBrains**

**Sanguine - Iownyou**

**Scapegrace - Killerqueen**

**MrBones has just signed in**

**Val has just signed in**

**Val says **Hey, Skulduggery :)

**MrBones says **Hello.

**RightHookTailor has just signed in**

**Theswordlady has just signed in**

**Val says** Hey Tanith, Ghastly

**RightHookTailor says** Good to see everyone here, though where's Fletcher?

**MrBones says **Last time we talked he said something about there being a whole night of Spongebob episodes on TV. He sounded pretty happy.

**Oooohilovebutterflies has just signed in**

**Oooohilovebutterflies says **Spongebob was cancelled :(

**Val says **Sorry about that Fletch :L

**Oooohilovebutterflies says **It's ok now I can talk to all of you! :D :D

**MrBones says **Yay. *Note the sarcasm in my online voice*

**Iownyou has just signed in**

**Theswordlady says **Oh shit.

**Iownyou says **Well if it isn't my favourite bunch of freaks dang it if I aint happy

**RightHookTailor says **So you even write with a Texan drawl. Congratulations, you're even stranger than I thought

**BeautifulBrains has just signed in**

**BeautifulBrains says** It seems I have come across some sort of online war and the insults are already getting dished out. How quaint.

**MrBones says** Ah China, you lose none of your charm and sweetness online.

**BeautifulBrains says **And now they are getting directed at me. Goodbye, I am trading this for a more upmarket place to squabble.

**Oooohilovebutterflies says **What? :o

**Val says **Don't pay attention to the words Fletcher, you'll just end up confused

**BeautifulBrains has signed out**

**Iownyou says **I was just lining myself to ask her out n all! Why'd you go scare her off!

**Theswordlady says **You don't need us to do that believe me

**Iownyou says** Oh well screw y'all im just gonna go sit out near the graveyard and see people crying

This isn't the end

**Iownyou has signed out**

**RightHookTailor says **That was weird. :/

**MrBones says **Agreed.

**Oooohilovebutterflies says **All this writing is hurting my head let's go out and beat up bad guys

**Theswordlady says **You mean we go and round up some dangerous criminals and we kick the crap out of them while you stand around and sing ice ice baby?

**Oooohilovebutterflies says **Yes, that's what I said

**Val says** C'mon then :P

**Oooohilovebutterflies has signed out**

**RightHookTailor has signed out**

**Killerqueen has signed in**

**Theswordlady says **What's up with your name, Scapegrace?

**Killerqueen says **Darn it! I told Thrasher to put in Killersupreme not Killerqueen, he must've been listening to that mustachioed band again :L

**Val says **Awesome

**MrBones says** Come on, we need to hurry up if we're meeting the others.

**Theswordlady says **Bye scapegrace! xx

**Val says** See you

**Killerqueen says **But no! Wait! I have the most amazing news!

**MrBones has signed out**

**Theswordlady has signed out**

**Val has signed out**

**Killerqueen says **Thrasher and I are getting married! :D

No...wait...guys?

:'(

**Killerqueen has signed out**


	6. Those Voices: Darren Criss

_**Thanks to Tariana Grace, RubalineShadows and Mademise Morte for their reviews :)**_

_**Mademise Morte - There probably will be a lot of typos, because I think faster than I type, if that makes sense.**_

_**And yes, I truly believe that the love of Skulduggery and his hat is the best hidden romance in the series :D**_

* * *

''Tanith? Come on!'' The gang were going out to the cinema and Valkyrie and Tanith were getting ready, if by getting ready you meant Val sitting on the sofa watching Ghost Whisperer while Tanith tried to make the heart-wrenching decision between the lipgloss shades Black Venom or Red Dusk.

Speaking of...Tanith's long legs appeared coming down the stairs. ''Valkyrie, do you like _these _shoes or _these_ ones?'' Valkyrie squinted at them. ''I don't know. Ask Ghastly. He has the footwear taste of a gay man.''

''True. There's something definitely queer about how he looks at his loafers. I'll be down in five.'' After her shoe choice had been approved by Ghastly and they had arrived a few streets down from the cinema Valkyrie turned to Tanith. ''Do you know what we're seeing?''

''Nope. Fletcher booked the tickets.'' After realising what she just said she eyes widened. ''Damn. If he's ordered tickets to 'Fifi and the Flowerpots 3' I'll murder him. It was bad enough when he did that with the second one.''

''And the first one...'' sighed Valkyrie.

When they arrived at the Dublin CineWorld they used the Skulduggery, Ghastly and Fletcher were already there. Skulduggery handed them their tickets. ''Fletcher already got them.''

''We heard,'' grumbled Tanith.

''No, it's good. We're seeing the new James Bond,'' grinned Ghastly, jogging over and hugging his girlfriend. Fletcher noticed this and ran over to Valkyrie, arms open wide...just as she turned to reply to Skulduggery's question, leaving Fletcher to faceplant the ground, leaping - dolphin style. ''I'm OK - I'm OK people, don't panic!'' Fletcher exclaimed as he picked himself up off the ground, wiping his bleeding nose. Noticing that nobody had seen or really cared he sighed sadly then trotted after the others.

It turned out Fletcher had got the big and little hands on his watch mixed up again, so they were late for the film. The quintet entered the screen room awkwardly, clutching the many bags of popcorn that Valkyrie had made them buy as they attempted to pass the people in their row, but it wasn't as awkward as when Skulduggery, who had a huge turban-like scarf on covering his skull, passed a group of teenagers who yelled ''GO HOME, TERRORIST.''

Of course Fletcher would be the one to spill his many cartons of popcorn, ice cream, hot dogs and coke over several people as he was sitting down. Once they had settled down - Tanith at the end of the row with Ghastly's arm around her, then Skulduggery, Valkyrie and the disgraced Fletcher. Seeing Ghastly and Tanith, Fletcher - who seemed to be copying Ghastly as a Dating Role Model/ Love God - yawned hugely and slowly raised his arm to put around Valkyrie's shoulders. ''Excuse me, you're blocking my view of the screen,'' whispered the person behind him. Fletcher immediately retracted his arm as Valkyrie looked at him with a finger against her mouth the shush him.

A few minutes later as Daniel Craig beat up some men on-screen, Tanith sighed. ''It's a lot like the old days, isn't it? Going out, stopping dangerous criminals...''

''It's still exactly like that, Tanith,'' whispered back Ghastly. ''Though the dangerous criminals go out and stop Fletcher.''

''Sshh,'' whispered the same man behind the group. They murmured their apologies and turned back to the screen. ''See that roundhouse kick?'' Valkyrie grinned, ''That was almost exactly like the one I gave to that shape-shifter last week.''

''It was not!'' said Skulduggery. ''Yours was more spin-y.''

''Please! What do you define by spin-y anyway?''

''Doesn't matter. But I know my kicks. You spun more.''

''I'm not a freaking ballerina, that's Fletcher's hobby. My roundhouse kicks are powerful, not spin-y.''

''I thought it was more of a pirouetteing kick, to be honest,'' said Ghastly.

''SSHH!'' exclaimed the angry man behind them.

''Sorry,'' Valkyrie whispered. ''Now shut up you two, I think that guy's getting annoyed.''

''What a prat.''

''Yes, a man like that has problems,'' Skulduggery agreed. ''Probably doesn't have any friends, just sits there all day being cranky and crying when nobody's looking. A sad case.'' Valkyrie rolled her eyes. They went on watching the film, and Valkyrie thought for several blissful minutes they would finish the film in peace. Then Fletcher whispered these fateful words...''I think I've wet myself.''

''SHUT UP!'' roared the man behind them.

They all went silent.

Then a mobile phone went off.

_Disturbia_ by Rihanna echoed through the cinema just at the moment when the speakers went silent as the battle on-screen finished. The phone wasn't even one of theirs. The angry man behind them groaned.

A film usher stepped up to their row. ''I'm sorry, but you'll have to leave. Mobile phones are supposed to be switched off.''

''But, but it wasn't -''

''Leave it, Fletch,'' Valkyrie muttered. As they stood up they saw the identity of the angry man with the annoying ringtone behind them. ''Kenspeckle?'' Valkyrie gasped.

''You five?'' he hissed. ''I should have known...'' Tanith swore she could hear him laughing as they were lead out of the cinema.

It transpired that Fletcher hadn't wet himself, just spilled his coke again. Fletcher was very pleased at this fact. ''I'll be back!'' he shouted at the usher as they walked onto the street. ''Fletcher, you aren't the terminator.''

''I should have been. I would've _rocked _that role, but I would've called myself the Flerminator.''

As they crossed the road near the parking lot they all jumped back as a huge truck turned the corner sharply. ''Oh crap,'' Fletcher said unhappily. ''I think I really did wet myself that time.''


	7. The Girl Who Played With Fire

_**Happy New Year to you guys too :3**_

_**Guild is still the Grand Mage in this chapter, and Caelan's last name is obviously made up.**_

_**Warning: This has some Fletchyrie that Tariana Grace inspired me to write :)**_

* * *

It was the Sanctuary New Year's Ball of 2010. Thurid Guild had announced his plans to throw it to, as he said, 'raise everyone's morale'. (''More like feel all the pretty blondes up without his wife knowing,'' winked Tanith, momentarily forgetting that she was a pretty blonde.)

Valkyrie and Tanith herself were getting ready at the latter's as Gordon's mansion was cold at this time of year and 'Full of draughty winds that swept up your skirt and gave Fletcher plenty of oppurtunities to look up your skirt' according to Fletcher himself.

The car the girls had hired would be picking them up in five minutes, so they stood in front of the full-length mirror and checked their outfits. Valkyrie was dressed in a floor-length red gown Tanith had bought for her after threatening that she would get Valkyrie into a dress under pain of death. The older woman was wearing a green cocktail dress that complemented her court shoes, with diamond winking at her ears and wrist.

''This is going to be so much fun,'' grinned Tanith, slinging an arm round Valkyrie's shoulders. ''A night where we can just dance and have fun without anyone trying to beat us up.'' Valkyrie sighed. ''Well, you're going with your boyfriend. Caelan was the only one to ask me.'' Tanith laughed. ''I still don't get how Skulduggery let you go with a vampire.''

''Neither do I. I think he knows there's all the security in the Sanctuary so he wouldn't try anything tonight.'' A car horn beeped outside. Tanith squealed . ''Let's go, let's go!'' she yelled, dragging a laughing Valkyrie behind her.

* * *

As soon as they entered the Sanctuary ballroom, Tanith whistled. Most of the Sanctuary workers seemed to be there, even some from abroad, milling about the floor. Huge strings of lights lit up the ceiling and hundreds of white tablecloth-draped tables lined the room. Waiting for them at the doors was Ghastly, Caelan and Fletcher, all wearing sharp tuxedos. Tanith frowned. ''Where's Skulduggery?'' Valkyrie shrugged slightly. ''I don't know. He told me dances aren't 'his thing'.''

In downtown Dublin, Skulduggery sat on a barstool beside Anton Shudder, a glass in hand. Shudder was pretty annoyed. ''When you asked me to come out tonight, I was actually happy. It's the first time you asked me for a night out since 1951. I thought 'Hey, maybe tonight we'll go out to a nice bar, have a few goes on a dance machine and score with some chicks'. But I'm just a replacement for Ghastly. It's always you two, isn't it, best mates, and I'm always the weird guy in the corner with great hair. But you didn't even pretend I wasn't a second choice. Just because you're a reclusive dead guy that doesn't like dances and can't get a girlfriend doesn't mean I am. I'm off to play Dungeons and Dragons with myself. Thanks for nothing, Skul.'' Shudder huffed, picked up his jacket and left.

Skulduggery raised his head off the bar. ''No, Anton, wait...'' he said, reaching out for the other man before falling off his chair, extremely stoned.

Back at the Sanctary Ghastly's eyes lit up as soon as he saw Tanith and he bent to kiss her fingers. ''You look beautiful.'' She giggled and took his arm. ''Hey,'' said Valkyrie awkwardly to Caelan. ''Shall we...?'' He nodded and took her right arm, leading Fletcher to the man that was announcing the new arrivals. He nodded at them then said in a magnified voice, ''Ghastly Bespoke and Tanith Low, Caelan Shadows and Valkyrie Cain, and-'' he was cut off as Fletcher whispered something quickly in his ear- ''Fletcher Renn and his hair.'' Valkyrie had to laugh as Fletcher patted his hair fondly then went off to stuff his face at the buffet.

Some fast music began to start up and Tanith swept a hesistant Ghastly onto the dance floor. Caelan offered his arm and Valkyrie took it as the strode onto the floor after the couple. ''You are incandescent,'' the vampire told her. ''You burn like the setting sun, and light up like the rising.'' Valkyrie sighed as they began to dance. It would be a long night.

* * *

A few hours later, Fletcher was sitting at a table gazing into a mirror. ''Care to dance, darling?'' he winked at his hair, bowing to himself. He turned around to see several Sanctuary officials staring at him.

He laughed awkwardly then sat down again.

Just as he started straightening a few hair strands he caught sight of Valkyrie sitting by herself at a table, trailing her fingers around the stem of a wineglass. He stopped what he was doing and bit his lip. ''Sorry, old friend,'' he whispered to the mirror before walking over to Valkyrie.

''Where's Fangalator?'' he asked, sitting down. Valkyrie half-smiled. ''He went off to, as he put it, do 'mopey brooding stuff that involves staring angstily into the distance' because it's what he's 'required to do as a tortured vampire poet-type' .''

Fletcher looked confused. ''I didn't understand a word of that.'' Valkyrie smiled properly this time. ''Doesn't matter, Fletch.'' He looked at her and made his mind up. _This is it, Flerminator. Don't mess it up._''Want to dance, Val? Since fang-bang isn't here?''

The dark-haired girl looked surprised and slightly amused. ''Uh, yeah, cool.'' They got up and went to the floor as a slow song started. Fletcher put an arm around her waist and took one of her hands in his while she put her spare arm on his shoulder. They moved around the dance floor slowly, dancing between the other Sanctuary members. For once Fletcher's feet seemed to be obeying his brain.

Valkyrie looked up into Fletcher's face and she thought back to when she first met him, remembered thinking he was good-looking. Fletcher slowly smiled at her and she leaned up...

...just as he stepped backwards on Ghastlys' new tap shoes. Ghastly looked at Fletcher over Tanith's shoulder and growled. ''Let's go,'' Valkyrie whispered and they left the floor quickly to avoid Ghastly's wrath. ''I want to get some air.''

Outside Valkyrie leant on some railings, waiting for Fletcher to get back with their drinks. She took in a deep breath of the cold night air and had her eyes closed until the slamming of a car door made her look up.

James Evil was scurrying over the grass towards the Sanctuary. He was a man who had tried to be a villain much like Scapegrace and failed, the reason primarily being that Skulduggery had beaten him up, but also because his name was so stupid.

Valkyrie stepped away from the railings and strode over to him. ''James?'' she asked. ''What are you doing here?'' James looked up. ''Valkyrie Cain! It's curious that you're here - I suppose not really because this is the New Year's Party - to see my grand plan unfold!''

She sighed. ''What new scheme is this?''

He smirked and with a flourish pulled his jacket out so she could see the tangle of wires inside. ''All the Sanctuary workers are distracted this evening with their celebrations. It's a simple matter of setting this bomb under the building and then blowing it sky high once I'm a safe distance away!''

Valkyrie raised her eyebrows. ''So, why are you carrying out this insane plan?'' James opened his mouth to speak but she held out a hand.

''You know, I'm actually not interested. When you've heard as much revenge stories as I have you tend to get bored of them. Now, you want to walk yourself to a holding cell or are you going to make my job harder?''

He cackled, the little goatee on his chin wagging. ''I don't think so, Cain. You're just a little girl without that skele-'' he was cut off as Valkyrie's fist slammed into his jaw. He coughed then doubled over as she hit him again.''Come on!'' he howled. ''I've got all these expectations piled up on me to kill someone! Pressure, all the time! All I wanted to do was spend New Year's with someone that liked me but I can't, I just can't! The bomb was the only thing I could do!''

''And why can't you just leave us in peace for one night? Go home, James. I think there's a repeat of Scrubs on Channel 4,'' she said, then lit a fireball and threw it at him. He screamed as she spread her hands and the fire enveloped his body, causing him to wheel around and run down the street, presumably to the nearby park to throw himself in the duck pond.

Valkyrie knew FIetcher was behind her. ''He won't be back. I told him Scrubs was on, he'll be busy for tonight.'' She turned round and took a long gulp out of the paper cup Fletcher was holding out to her. ''I'm going to need to call Skulduggery and tell him we have another petty criminal to pick up tomorrow. But thanks for the drink.''

She was fishing her phone out of her dress pocket when the boy spoke. ''That was hot.''

Valkyrie looked up. ''Excuse me?''

''You beating that guy turned me on more than the time I woke up one morning and my hair was already spiked up.'' Valkyrie rolled her eyes as the bells began to sound out for the New Year.

''Want to go sing _Beautiful _at Ghastly's scars again?''

''I thought you'd never ask,'' she grinned.

They looked at each other that wasn't something, not quite yet. But it could be.

''Valkyrie, can we go inside, because this wind is going right through my tux into places you do not even want to think about.''

She grinned as they walked inside to join the mages celebrating and calling out Happy New Year's to one another. _Not quite yet._

* * *

Skulduggery Pleasant walked back to his car at 4 A.M. still very stoned, minus his trousers, jacket and hat, and wondering how they got to be wrapped around the neck of a stripper.


	8. What I Go To School For: Busted

_**Thanks again to Tariana, Rubaline, Mademise Morte, Paint Explosion and XxEternalScenexX for your reviews!**_

_**Mademise - Yes, Glee is a TV show. I highy recommend it.**_

* * *

Valkyrie was pissed off. Really pissed off.

''It's for your own good, Val,'' Tanith soothed. ''Fletcher's there for your protection.'' Fletcher was, after much debate, going to be attending Valkyrie's school as an added security measure for her. She tried protesting that Fletcher would probably be the one getting her in trouble, but nobody listened. In fact, they all seemed to be in strange moods as Skulduggery drove Fletcher and Valkyrie to school.

''How am I gonna survive without you guys?'' Tanith said emotionally.

Fletcher rolled his eyes. ''Go join your boyfriend's tap-dancing class, we know you love to see him tapping his feet in a perverse way.''

''I don't go out with Ghastly, I'm dating Severus Snape!'' Tanith shouted at him as he got out of the car with Valkyrie. ''Did I just hear Severus Snape? FML!'' Scapegrace yelled, seeming to appear out of the pavement. They all looked at him. He dropped his head then shuffled off.

After saying their goodbyes the two teenagers walked into their first class. (Fletcher had failed several IQ tests and so was in Valkyrie's year.) They had Social Education with Mrs Kirkauldy, possibly the most annoying blonde alive after Fletcher. ''So class, this is a new year and a fresh start! Let's start by introducing ourselves.'' They went round the class discussing themselves in turn.

After Hannah Foley came Fletcher. He smiled then looked round the class. ''My name's Fletcher Renn, I'm -'' (he used his fingers to count up the numbers) ''-sixteen, my hobby is looking at Va - I mean, Stephanie's, ass, and my favourite subject is MY HAIR!'' he finished, beaming. Valkyrie moaned at how amazingly stupid, even for him, he sounded then broke into a cold sweat as she remembered they had Advanced Maths next period.

* * *

After their fourth period class eveyone got up and headed to lunch. Fletcher finished writing about how butterflies were the superior species then got up to leave, but was stopped by five boys blocking his path to the door. He recognised them as the cool gang that hung out in the back of the class chewing gum. Pure rebels.

Fletcher suddenly realised that they had cornered him against the wall. _Oh shit_, he thought,_ they think I'm gay. I knew I shouldn't have let Ghastly talk me into wearing these shoes, they're so damn shiny_.

The boy in front looked at Fletcher for a moment then stuck out his hand. ''All right?'' he said as Fletcher shook it. ''The name's Gary Price. Want to come with us for lunch?''

''Yeah, sure,'' Fletcher stuttered as the boys lead him out the classroom. ''You know, you're one of us, Fletch,'' Gary said, sliding on sunglasses indoors which made him an instant badass. Fletcher was confused. He hadn't talked to any of these guys before today. The brown-haired boy on his right grinned at him. ''We all stare at Stephanie's ass too,'' he winked before turning away.

* * *

Ghastly, Tanith and Skulduggery were waiting across the street from the school for Valkyrie and Fletcher to come out. Finally they saw them approaching and they straightened up from leaning against the Bentley. ''You have a good first day, Fletcher?'' asked Tanith and he grinned and said ''Hell yeah!'' Tanith looked a bit confused as she turned to Valkyrie. ''How about you, Val?''

''No.'' Valkyrie said tightly, shoving her fists in her jacket pocket. ''Fletcher spent the second half of the day with Gary Prices' gang pretending to be from the ghetto.''

Fletcher slid up to her. ''Don't go hatin' on me, baby!'' Skulduggery groaned. ''Shut up Fletcher, you inarticulate bumble.'' Fletcher gasped. ''Then go shizzle my nizzle!''

The other four, who had been walking towards the car, turned round. In the five seconds they had their backs to him, he had coloured his in face with a black marker pen. He assumed what he must've thought was a tough expression and waved to his mates as they exited the school.

''What an idiot,'' Ghastly stated.

''Say that to my face, bitch!'' Fletcher yelled. Before Skulduggery sighed in exasperation and dragged Fletcher into the Bentley the blonde screamed ''Help me, bruthas!'

Many miles away, Jedward heard his call. ''It is He Of The Hair!'' John gasped.

* * *

_**I've got an idea for another chapter, so I need you all to send in your kinda fact file like name, age, hair and eye colour, if you're an elemetal/adept/necromancer etc, if you use a weopan and if so what one, what height you are and any other things that you want to add, and you should be in a chapter or two that I'm writing :)**_

_**Also, Jedward are secretly Fletcher's cousins. It will alost definitely be the plot of the seventh book.**_


	9. Telephone: Lady Gaga

_**This my attempt at a texting chapter...enjoy!**_

_**Fletcher attends Valkyrie's school here, as in chapter eight.**_

* * *

**(9: 18 AM) Valkyrie - Fletcher: **I woke up this morning and found one of your tshirts on my bedroom floor. We need to talk

**(9: 21 AM) Valkyrie - Fletcher: **Really I'm freaking out now :L

**(9: 28 AM) Valkyrie - Fletcher: **MY GOD FLETCHER ANSWER YOUR DAMN PHONE

**1 missed call Valkyrie**

**(9: 46 AM) Fletcher - Valkyrie: **Hey what uppp?

**(9: 48 AM) Valkyrie - Fletcher: **I keep telling you, you're not from the ghetto. What happened last night?

**(9: 51 AM) Fletcher - Valkyrie: **We went 2 the hotel I'm staying and watched movies bcause we were bored

**(9: 53 AM) Valkyrie - Fletcher: **I'm sure there was something else I can't remember..

**(9: 53 AM) Valkyrie - Fletcher: **And why was your shirt on my floor?

**(9: 59 AM) Valkyrie - Fletcher: **Fletcher?

**3 missed calls Valkyrie **

**(10: 07 AM) Fletcher - Valkyrie: **Soz I was in maths man that shit is hard

**(10: 09 AM) Valkyrie - Fletcher: **Whatever Napoleon Dyamite, just tell me what happened

**(10: 13 AM) Fletcher - Valkyrie: **We watched movies, kissed and ate the furniture. Well, at least I ate the furniture.

**5 missed calls Valkyrie**

**(10: 17 AM) Valkyrie - Fletcher: **We kissed?

**(10: 17 AM) Fletcher - Valkyrie: **Hell yeah! And it was amazing ;)

**(10: 20 AM) Valkyrie - Fletcher: **Why can't I remember?

**6 missed calls Valkyrie**

**(11: 12 AM) Fletcher - Valkyrie: **Sorry I was in biology I find that shit hard also

**(11: 13 AM) Valkyrie - Fletcher: **You were colouring posters of the world in

**(11: 14 AM) Fletcher - Valkyrie: **I got the green and blue pens mixed up again :/

**(11: 15 AM) Fletcher - Valkyrie: **Where are u now?

**(11: 15 AM) Valkyrie - Fletcher: **I'm in your English class, sitting across from you.

**(11: 16 AM) Fletcher - Valkyrie: **Oh :P

**(11: 20 AM) Valkyrie - Fletcher: **Look, I really need to know why we kissed. Was I just bored?

**10 missed calls Valkyrie**

**(2: 07 PM) Fletcher - Valkyrie: **Sorry I was fixing my hair again

**(2: 10 PM) Valkyrie - Fletcher: **It took you the whole of lunch to fix your hair?

**(2: 12 PM) Fletcher - Valkyrie: **It's a work of art baby! And we were really drunk after the shots from the mini-bar in my hotel room I can hardly remember anything either

**(2: 13 PM) Valkyrie - Fletcher: **Then why was your shirt on my floor?

**12 missed calls Valkyrie**

**(2: 22 PM) Fletcher - Valkyrie: **Ur parents were out so we went 2 urs 2 make out

**(2: 23 PM) Valkyrie - Fletcher: **& I took your shirt off?

**(2: 25 PM) Fletcher - Valkyrie: **Yes

**(2: 25 PM) Fletcher - Valkyrie: **And other bits of clothing 2

**(2: 28 PM) Valkyrie - Fletcher: **God! I honestly don't even know why I did it - the shots I guess - so this stays between us, right? :L

**13 missed calls Valkyrie**

**(2: 56 PM) Fletcher - Valkyrie: **Right :(

**(2: 59 PM) Valkyrie - Fletcher: **Good, because I don't want to ruin our friendship. & remember you can't tell anyone about this

**16 missed calls Valkyrie**

**(3: 03 PM) Valkyrie - Fletcher: **?

**(3: 07 PM) Fletcher - Valkyrie: **I can't tell anyone anyway only Ghastly or Skul or Tanith and if they found out they'd rip my head off :/

**(3: 10 PM) Valkyrie - Fletcher: **So no-one hears - it was just a one time thing, yeah?

**17 missed calls Valkyrie**

**(3: 34 PM) Fletcher - Valkyrie: **Sorry I was admiring a picture of myself in my locker

**(3: 35 PM) Fletcher - Valkyrie: **But Valkyrie?

**(3: 35 PM) Valkyrie - Fletcher: **Yes?

**(3: 38 PM) Fletcher - Valkyrie: **I remembered something weird about last night

**(3: 42 PM) Valkyrie - Fletcher: **What?

**(3: 43 PM) Fletcher - Valkyrie: **You said I wasn't the only guy you made out with. Caelan someone, I think you said?

**(3: 56 PM) Fletcher - Valkyrie: **Valkyrie?

**2 missed calls Fletcher**


	10. Done All Wrong: BRMC

_**Rubaline - Cool, I could put her in the story and she could be a love interest for Fletcher ;)**_

_**Mademise Morte - I wasn't too sure about how the layout would be so I just put it out like that and hoped for the best :P**_

* * *

Fletcher walked briskly down the street (never mind that he doesn't know the real definition of 'briskly', he probably thinks it's a type of exotic fish), and checked his phone as a text from Ghastly flashed across the screen. **Be at mine for 2pm, we've got a new case. **

It was 10 A.M. at that moment, but Fletcher thought he could hang around and eat all of Ghastly's marshmallows while they waited. He groaned as he turned another corner. The reason he was walking to the tailor's instead of Teleporting as usual was he didn't want his perfect body out of shape. ''Come on, man!'' He muttered. ''Fight the fat!''

He was so preoccupied with motivating himself that he didn't notice a van stop beside him, and didn't see the hands extending for him until it was too late.

Fletcher was pulled inside the van as it roared away from the pavement before his brain cell could realise what was happening. At that same moment he noticed someone had snapped a cuff over his left hand, one of the same as the ones the Diablerie had put on him - it prevented him from Teleporting away. He struggled to see in the van's dily-lit interior and tried to pull himself up from where he was sprawled across a seat.

Three men sat opposite him. ''Fletcher Renn,'' the blonde man in the middle said in a silky voice. ''So good to meet you at last.''

Fletcher jumped up, hit his head on the van roof, swore, and sat down. ''Who are you?''

''My taken name is Lorcan Fowl, and I am a person that needs your skills a great deal.'' Fletcher hissed at the man, hoping it would make him appear threatening and macho. It didn't.

''What do you want me for? I admittedly don't have much skills apart from doing my hair, feeling people up and cooking a mean apple pie.'' Fowl sighed. ''You are a Teleporter.''

''Ahhh. Do you want to see Venice? A lot of people want me to take them to Venice.''

''No. To put it bluntly, I want to use your powers for my own gain. Or ransom you for a large sum of money. Whichever works.''

Fletcher shrugged. ''Not to make me sound important - because you don't need me for that - but so many people have said that to me that I hardy feel special anymore.''

Fowl sneered. ''You'll be dealt with shortly, but I need to pick something up first.'' For the next hour, the van travelled to some unknown destination while Fletcher sang _Bird Is The Word_. On his eighth repetition of 'Surfiiingg Biird' his mouth was taped shut. They spent the rest of the journey in an awkward silence.

When the van finally stopped Fowl and the two men jumped out before pulling Fletcher after them and ripping the tape off his mouth. ''You stay here.'' Fowl snarled, then went off to a nearby group of men. Fletcher looked around. They seemed to be at some kind of dockyard, with numerous warehouses lining the front. They were standing in front of one right at the very end, with the word 'EXPLOSIVES' printed along the side. Fletcher tried to read it but gave up after the first two syllables. He wandered off for a few steps but stopped as he came to a console with a big red button and wire trailing into the warehouse.

Fletcher looked at the button. It was very pretty.

He pressed the top of it delicately, but all that happened was that the warehouse blew up in a big 'BOOOOMM', kind of like Ghastly's stomach after tacos. Fletcher looked around for any sparklers or pretty lights, but there were none. ''It was so shiny...'' he said sadly.

He went back to the van, happily seeing Fowl and the other men hadn't noticed he had gone and were yelling at the other men for destroying their explosives. Fletcher stood up and began to say ''Actually, I pressed the...'' but stopped when Fowl signalled to his two bodyguards and they drew out pistols and shot the men who had been waiting at the warehouse. Fletcher slowly retreated back to the van and looked up when Fowl and the other two got in the back with him and closed the door.

''Fletcher, it seems we have some time on our hands,'' smiled Fowl unpleasantly. ''I've decided that we are going to ransom you back to your friends. Quick cash. You can't beat it.'' He nodded to the man on his right, who picked up a video camera and aimed it at Fletcher.

''I just want you to ask your friends to pay the sum of one million euro to set you free. That's all I want,'' said Fowl. Fletcher bit his lip and looked at the camera. ''Skulduggery, Valkyrie, all of you, you have to pay this...this...'' he stopped. ''I'm sorry, can we roll that again? I wasn't very convincing.''

Fowl raised his eyebrows but nodded. Fletcher turned to the camera again. ''Friends, I really need you now, so-'' he gasped. ''Wait, I need to check my hair's alright!'' He whipped a mirror out of his jeans pocket and started fussing with his gelled spikes. Fowl ground his teeth as the men beside him stared in disbelievement. ''OK, I'm ready,'' said Fletcher, taking deep breaths and fanning himself with both hands. ''Please guys, please hand over the money...'' he tailed off and shook his head. ''I'm sorry, this just isn't working.'' he sighed. Fowl snapped his teeth together. ''Fine. You will compose a letter to them instead.'' ''I would, but I have trouble writing.''

After Fowl had talked himself out of strangling Fletcher, he made a few phone calls and was now going to sell Fletcher to an Elemental high-up in the black market who was in Dublin for the week. Fletcher was shoved in front of him and his cuff removed, but couldn't Teleport away as the building was bound.

''Do something. Show off.'' Fowl said to him. Fletcher turned to the man he was going to be sold to and was silent for a moment. He considered then lowered his head slowly then started singing ''I whip my hair back and forth, I whip my hair back and forth,'' as he swivelled his head around and around. Everyone was silent after his display. Four minutes later, Fletcher, Fowl and the others were kicked out of the building.

Inside the van again Fowl looked at Fletcher, red with fury. ''One last chance, you blight upon mankind's great Earth. Teleport us to the Dublin International Bank and I'll think about letting you away today with your libs intact.'' Fletcher sighed and let Fowl and his men take hold of him, then Teleported.

In a blink they were in the grand foyer of the bank, behind a marble pillar. Fowl and the other four men sprinted down the hall and began to try and force open a vault. Fletcher let them get on with it as he wandered around, absentindedly humming the song he had sung for the Elemental. Two guards appeared down the corridor, heard his singing then turned around.

The guards looked at Fletcher.

Fletcher looked at the guards.

The guards began to run towards him, yelling into their walkie-talkies. Fletcher shouted and ran down the corridor where Fowl and the others were standing, about to force open a thick vault, before grabbing them and Teleporting back to the van. ''Well, that was an adventure!'' grinned Fletcher.

* * *

Shortly after almost getting them all captured, Fletcher was thrown out of the van as it drove down Ghastly's road. ''Keep away from us!'' screamed Fowl as it drove round the corner. Fletcher walked up to Ghastly's and went in. ''You're just on time to start work on this case, Fletch. Where've you been today?'' asked Valkyrie as she passed him some coffee.

Fletcher sat down and sighed. ''I made some new friends, though I don't think they like me very much. I can't imagine why.''


	11. I Belong To You: Muse

_**This is fluff. Pure dead Ghanith fluff. In fact, it can probably be classified as gloop.**_

* * *

Tanith held Ghastly's hand as they walked down the hill - it was early morning and he had suggested a walk before breakfast. (Fletcher had groaned and had only agreed to go out with a giant hood on as his hair 'hadn't gotten it's ten hours of sleep'.)

Tanith scooped her hair away from her neck as she turned up her jacket collar. Ghastly turned to her and smiled. She grinned back. ''Why are you looking at me like that?'' she asked curiously, poking him in the side. His smile turned slightly sad. ''It's because I can't believe someone like you would go out with someone like me.''

She frowned, and he lifted a finger and smoothed her brow. ''Why are you looking so angry?'' he asked with a half-smile.

''Because I still can't believe you think I'm too good for you.'' She stopped and faced him, putting her arms round his shoulders. ''You're pretty damn hot to me.'' She leant up and kissed him, and one of his arms slid down to her waist and another cupped her face.

''Get a room!'' Fletcher yelled from behind them. Ghastly knelt down and without once breaking the kiss took his arm from Tanith's waist, picked up a rock, straightened up and threw it at Fletcher. The ''Ooooophh'' meant it had found its mark.


	12. On A Mission: Gabriella Cilmi

_**Mademise Morte - Thanks, I'll go back and correct it :)**_

_**Tariana - Haha thanks xD it wasn't one of my best chapters just a bit of fluff :P**_

* * *

The alarm buzzed and Valkyrie groaned and switched it off. It was a fortnight after Fletcher had joined her school and she was still recovering from when he wrote 'property of the Renn' over her chest in art. Her phone rang and she picked it up, lodging it between her ear and shoulder as she juggled her schoolbag, toothbrush and calculator.

''Hello?''

''It's Skulduggery. We have an important case. I don't want to say anything now, but get the reflection to go to school and text Fletcher to pick you up. We're at Ghastly's.''

She hung up, texted Fletcher and after sending her reflection down to breakfast he arrived. ''Work HQ it is then,'' he grinned.

''Work HQ?''

''Well I go to Ghastly's to work on a case, so that's work HQ, and I go to Gordon's to get high or laid, so that's party HQ.'' Valkyrie took a few seconds to get over the 'getting laid' part as she zipped up her jacket. ''So this is where you sleep...'' Fletcher stated, running his finger up her bedpost. She scowled. ''Let's go.''

When they arrived at Ghastly's Fletcher wandered into the kitchen and Valkyrie entered the living room where Skulduggery, Tanith and two people she hadn't met before sat at the table. The male looked up and smiled at her. ''Valkyrie Cain. Pleasure to meet you. My name is Zephyr Talon and this is my sister Aira Tate,'' he gestured to the girl beside him. She was also blonde with lean legs and had a small tattoo of a dragon on her neck.

''We're here to help you on your case. Your team was assigned to capture Ciro Terror, an Elemental who's wanted for several crimes. He's also our brother, and we feel partly responsible for capturing him, so Skulduggery let us join the case.''

Valkyrie nodded her thanks to Ghastly as he came through from the kitchen with a steaming mug of tea for her. ''He must be pretty powerful to end up on the Sanctuary's wanted list.''

Skulduggery turned to her. ''He is. Zephyr, Aira and Ciro come from a family of Elementals that have a strong focus on the element of air. Terror is an advanced air user.'' Valkyrie digested this information. ''Do we have any idea where he's hiding out?''

Tanith took a drink from her mug as she replied ''We have news that he's hiding out in the Ruthven Museum. It's deserted at this time of year, so he'll have free run of the place.''

Ghastly checked his watch. ''Nine o' clock. We can move out. Let's go.''

They entered the museum quietly, searcing the corridors. Valkyrie curled shadows around her palm, Tanith's sword was out, Zephyr and Aira both had air currents swirling along their legs, and Fletcher spoiled the whole effect by dancing around on a sugar high from his coffee. Suddenly Tanith stopped. ''Guards down the corridor,'' she whispered. They all darted back round the wall.

''We'll have to get past them,'' Fletcher said. ''There's not other way.''

Zephyr and Aira looked at each other. ''We'll buy you some time,'' Aira said, then she and her brother ran out from behind the wall at the three guards. The others rushed past them to the corridor intersection. Valkyrie stopped and looked down the left hand hallway as the others joined her. Fletcher was the last and he looked down the other right hand hallway. He screamed and Teleported just before the forty more guards that were running silently down that hallway reached him.

* * *

Valkyrie moaned and tried to open her eyes. She moved her head to the left and saw Tanith looking at her. ''Hey. You awake then?''

Valkyrie frowned and tried to sit up, but she was shackled to the wall. ''What happened?''

Tanith sighed. ''Well, after we ran past Zephyr and Aira we were ambushed by more guards running from down the hallway behind us.'' Skulduggery, who was to her right, chipped in.

''They took us by surprise and we hardly had a chance to defend ourselves. I myself bested many with a grace and elegance that was otherwordly. Unfortunately there was too many of them and we could've beaten them if they hadn't taken Ghastly's shoe and he surrendered.''

He glared at Ghastly who was cradling his trainer against his chest. ''It was worth it,'' he mumbled. ''Are you OK?'' Skulduggery asked Valkyrie gently, turning back to her. ''You were hit over the head pretty hard.''

''Yeah, I'm good. I bet I fought off tons of the guards, didn't I?''

''God no, the sound of your body hitting the floor was what made us turn round.''

Valkyrie frowned and looked around the room they were in. It seemed to be a storage area for the museum. ''Where's Fletcher?'' Tanith sighed again, wincing as her bruised wrist scraped against her handcuff. ''He Teleported away, then Teleported back into a punch that was meant for me. He's over there,'' she gestured with the hand that wasn't chained to the wall to where Fletcher was tied upside down. He waved weakly.

''He annoyed the guards chaining him up so much that they put him like that. Good old Fletcher.''

All at once the doors at the end of the room opened and a tall blonde man strode in with Zephyr and Aira behind him. The three were obviously siblings - the man in front had to be Ciro Terror. ''Zepyr and Aira must have been working with him,''' whispered Valkyrie to Tanith.

Tanith nodded, her face tight. Terror ignored the four of them chained to the wall and went straight to Fletcher. He undid Fletcher's chains and he fell headfirst onto the floor, but his gel seemed to cushion the blow.

''Fletcher Renn. The last Teleporter. What a burden. What a gift. People like me could use that gift, Fletcher. I would certainly be interested in using it.'' Fletcher didn't seem impressed. ''You have no idea how many people have said that to me, you really don't.'' Ciro smirked. ''Fletcher, you and I could be a team. We're not that different. Let me tell you a bit about myself.''

''I am an anti-necrophiliac,'' - Valkyrie scowled -

''I hate narcissists'' - Skulduggery gasped -

''and uglies'' - Ghastly tried to jump up and hit him -

''I enjoy killing butterflies and other small animals and I have tried to destroy you and your friends several times. Do you want to work for me?'' he asked, extending his hand. Fletcher looked around, noticing the looks on the others faces then shook his head. ''Killing butterflies? Get outta my face, Ciro!'' he yelled, and shoved the man in the chest.

At that moment Zephyr and Aira turned with outstretched arms, driving gusts of air like piledrivers which broke the cuffs holding Valkyrie, Skulduggery, Tanith and Ghastly. Aira winked at them. ''It was a ploy,'' she grinned. ''we'll get Ciro, don't worry. You better just take care of your friend.'' She gestured to where Ciro was beating the shit out of Fletcher. Zephyr pulled Terror off the Teleporter and they started brawling.

Skulduggery dragged the dazed Fletcher away from the fight and they ran out of the room. At least thirty guards were standing there, ready in defense position. Valkyrie groaned as she, Skulduggery, Tanith and Ghastly ran at the guards and attacked.

Skulduggery grabbed two guards at once and bashed their heads together then shot a tongue of flame at one who had leapt at him. Ghastly and Tanith worked back to back, him bringing them down with a combination of well-aimed punches and Tanith set to work on them with her sword, slicing someone in two and decapitating another before they realised what happened.

Valkyrie even on her own was doing well - she shot a fast punch towards a guard who crumpled under the blow and kicked the chin of another, snapping his head back.

Fletcher stood to the side of the fighting, trembling with rage. _The butterflies. The poor, poor butterflies_.

Suddenly he started randomly screaming and flew at the nearest guard. He jumped on his back and started hitting him over the head. After he was unconscious Fletcher jumped off of his back and started punching one repeatedly, then high-kicked a guard so hard he broke his jaw, judging by the snap that followed the Teleporter's heel meeting his face.

Fletcher then grabbed a guard, started screaming right into his face then rammed his forehead into the other man's. He went through them like a wave of unstoppable ownage. One memorable moment was when he impaled two guards on his hair and tossed them into the path of others like a rampaging rhino. Finally, after all the guards were groaning on the floor, his friends looked at him as he straightened up, panting. Tanith was the first to speak. ''Woah.''

* * *

_**Fletcher goes berserk and pwns everybody in sight. Cool.**_


	13. I'm A Little Yellow Fish

**Thanks all of you for the reviews for the last two chapters, they were really sweet :)**

**I am feeling quiteee random so I have no idea how this chapter will plan out...**

On Saturday, January the eighth, at exactly 9:03 a.m, Skulduggery Pleasant, Valkyrie Cain, Tanith Low, Ghastly Bespoke, Fletcher Renn and a magic fish woke up. Now, the first five woke up because their alarms told them to, but the magic fish woke up because he was bored. Now, the magic fish wasn't magical just because the fanfic author thought the words 'magic' and 'fish' looked good together. No, this fish could do _magic. _And what this fish did best was naughty magic.** ( A/N no not **_**that **_**type of naughty magic you people with perverted minds.) **This fish decided to pull a prank on a group of people he had once glimpsed on a flight to Disneyworld Paris when he was travelling with Fatboy Slim. A certain group of people that lived in Dublin. Yeah. That group of people. So the magic fish called Briskly kissed it's wife the Sea Hag goodbye and went off to cast some magic.

Ghastly Bespoke opened his wardrobe. Racks of shoes streched as far as the eye could see. He looked down and noticed a small yellow goldfish in a top hat and waistcoat. ''What are you doing here?'' Ghastly asked the fish. ''Waiting for you,'' the fish replied. ''Fair enough,'' said Ghastly, closing the door and forgetting all about the fish, but not before choosing an exquisite pair of sky-blue loafers. In the hour after that, the fish visited the bedrooms of Skulduggery, Tanith and Fletcher, but not Valkyrie because she had a plastic fish on her living room wall that sang 'Maybe it's be-COD I'm a Londoner' while it flapped its fins. Smiling the fish returned to its day job of making hair-care projects for overconfident, obnoxious teenage boys.

Valkyrie flopped down on the sofa in Gordon's mansion. She was meeting Skul, Tanith and Fletcher there for a movie before meeting Ghastly after his tap-dance class. There was a 'pop' and Fletcher appeared. ''Valkyrie, there's...there's something I've wanted to say to you for a long time.'' He bit his lip, looking nervous. ''It's ok, Fletcher,'' she smiled. ''Just tell me what you want.'' He opened his mouth and out came - ''I'll tell you what I want what I really really want, I'll tell you what I want what I really really want, I wanna ah I wanna ah I wanna ah I wanna ah, I really really really really wanna zigazig ah.'' Fletcher grinned. ''So how about it?'' Valkyrie stared ahead of her, more scared than she'd ever been before in her life. ''How...how about what?'' Fletcher looked at her. ''How about we go out? It's what I just asked you.'' ''No you didn't, you just sung a shit Spice Girls song at me.'' ''What the hell are you talking about? I-'' but he was interrupted by Skulduggery and Tanith arriving. ''Hey Val! Hey Fletch!'' Tanith called. ''What movie are we watching?'' ''I...I don't know I was just kinda under pressure about something-'' ''Under pressure!'' yelled Skulduggery, jumping onto the table and doing some sort of energetic dance that seemed to involve very sexual moves. ''Under pressure! Pushing down on me, pressing down down on you no man to ask for, under pressure that burns a building down, splits the family in two, put people on streets-'' he was interuppted by Tanith screaming ''OH MY GOD MY EYES BUUURRRRN! THEY BURRRRN! NOOO!'' and sticking her head in the sink in response to some enthusiastic hip thrusting. Vallkyrie sat petrified as Skulduggery leapt down from the table and began asking Fletch what pressure he had put Valkyrie under, both not reacting to what just happened. Tanith came in from the kitchen smiling and threw herself onto the sofa, in a totally different state from the one she'd just been in. ''Hey guys, I can see we haven't got a film. Let's just go to Ghastly's tap dancing class now.'' Valkyrie sighed with relief. Finally something normal.

They arrived at Ghastly's and Val was beginning to think she'd dreamt the whole scary-singing-shit up. They entered the dance studio just as Ghastly's pupils were leaving. Tanith went up and kissed him. ''It's so cute you're dancing,'' she smiled, ''and I love your shoes today.'' Ghastly grinned and cleared his throat. Valkyrie blanched. ''Oh God.'' she mumbled as Ghastly started to sing. ''I take my foot, my little foot, and with my foot, see how it starts to swing, I take two feet, two tiny feet, hey look! That's neat, it's coming-'' ''STOP IT!'' Valkyrie shouted. Ghastly frowned. ''You're right, this song doesn't suit the mood AT all!'' She relaxed. Only for...''These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do, one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you'' followed by Ghastly busting some moves freestyle, running on the spot with his hands outstreched in a very gay way. Valkyrie screamed. ''SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!'' The our of them looked at her. ''What the Bieber, Valkyrie?'' Fletcher said with a confused expression on his face. ''We were talking about Ghastly's awesome shoes.'' Valkyrie sat shakily down. What was wrong with her? She didn't think she was going mad...but this was getting ridiculous. She looked up as Tanith approached. ''Hey, Val. We're heading to a cafe. Come on!'' She got to her feet and followed her friends out the door.

In the cafe after an embrrasing stint where Skul and Ghastly got up on the table and started singing ''I'm bringing sexyback, them motherf-ckers don't know how to act,'' Valkyrie had made them leave. They were walking down the street when Fletcher checked his watch. ''There's a new movie starting at the CineWorld in four minutes, it's the one with the guy that has to save the world in a day,'' he said. Tanith whooped and began to sing. ''Time is waiting, we only got four minutes to save the world, no hesitating, grab a boy and grab a girl, time is waiting, we only got four minutes to save the world no hesitating, we only got four minutes uh huh four minutes!'' They all started walking again acting as if nothing had happened. Valkyrie bit her lip. This was as off the shizzang as the time Fletcher kissed Guild's daughter and Guild fainted, fell forwards into Tanith's chest and was punched out the window by a jealous Ghastly. That was some serious niblets.

Just as they got to the cinema having decided to see the movie they passed a taxi. ''Turn left!'' the fish in the back shouted. ''Don't stop!'' Skulduggery, Ghastly, Tanith and Fletcher looked at each other and launched into ''DOOON'T STOP BELIEEEVING, HOLD ONTO THAT FEEEELIING, STREETLIGHTS, PEOPLEEEE!'' etc, etc. Valkyrie quietly hid behind a park bench as everyone stopped and stared. And then as her friends finished the chorus, forgetting all about it and starting a conversation about what wine gums were best, Vaurien Scapgrace walked down the street. They said hi and Tanith exclaimed in a fake American accent - ''I love red wine gums! They're the best candy ever!'' Scapegrace turned around and went ''Oooh come n getcha some come n getcha some oooh oooh come n getcha some come n get your candy!'' Skul, Tanith and Ghastly looked at him, unimpressed. ''No, Scapegrace. Just no.'' Scapegrace sighed, walked forward and slipped on the drool Thrasher left there. It had been a hard day for everyone.

_**I don't think is my best...but a special wedding chapter's up next :)**_

_**The songs they sung were Wannabe by the Spice Girls, Under Pressure by Queen, To Dance Again from A Very Potter Musical, These Boots Are Made For Walking by Nancy Sinatra, SexyBack by Justin Timberlake, 4 Minutes by Madonna and Don't Stop Believing by Journey.**_


	14. Marry You: Bruno Mars

_**Well here it is...this is dedicated to the lovely Tariana Grace, Rubaline Shadows, Amara Calla, Mademise Morte and Adrasdos Dark who are all very amazing indeed. xD**_

_**Rubaline - You have a glee club? An actual one? Can I join your school?**_

_**Bryn - Yes I did seriously scare myself with the randomness of the last chapter...**_

_**Mademise Morte - Half of it made sense? You're very lucky, a lot of it didn't make sense to even me O_o**_

_**So this wedding is Fletchyrie as chosen by Tariana :) but Val/Skul fans don't worry, there shall very probably be a Valduggery wedding at some point ;)**_

_**Enjoy!**_

It was early afternoon in the Dublin shopping centre that Valkyrie and Tanith walked through. Tanith was buzzing. ''I can't believe you're getting married!'' squeeled Tanith. ''At 21! To Fletcher!'' Valkyrie laughed. ''We've been dating for years now, Tan. It was gonna happen at some point.'' They were searching for their wedding outfits - Tanith was naturally going to be Valkyrie's maid of honour. ''I know, but remember his track record with girls. He dumped that one called Leslay because she used Herbal Essences hair products.'' Her dark-haired friend sighed. ''It's behind us now Tanith. Now come on, this store looks interesting.'' She opened a shop door.

Over the food court on the upper level Skulduggery, Fletcher and Ghastly were checking out shoe shops. Fletcher was very happy. ''I got the hottest girl in Ireland to marry me! Hell, I got the hottest girl in the Northern Hemisphere to marry me!'' Ghastly rolled his eyes. ''And that is a mystery in itself. Didn't you plan to propose at the top of the Eiffel Tower but chased a pigeon over the railings before you could?'' Fletcher scowled. ''Yeah, but I eventually did ask her! And we're getting married in a week. A WEEK!'' Skulduggery was getting nervous. The last time Fletcher had got this wound up, he had called himself 'Jesse the sex crazed rabbit' and ran around biting things. He turned to Ghastly. ''You better get your shoes. I'll take Fletcher to measure his feet again, you know he has trouble doing it.'' Ghastly made a sympathetic face and walked into the store. He gasped.

Directly opposite at the very back of the shop was a rack full of the most amazing shoes he had ever seen. His eyes lit up shiny and loafer-shaped. _He was in love_. Ghastly realized he was running in slow motion towards them. He outstreched his arms. Distant piano music was playing. _All my life has been coming up to this moment, _he thought, nearing the rack. _I've been waiting for this for so long...and though it's taken years, I've finally come hooooooo- _his nonverbal opera note was cut off by a blonde man stepping in front of him. ''Excuse me, but where do you think YOU'RE going?'' the blonde demanded. ''Shoes...shoes...shoes'' Ghastly practically salivated. The man checked behind him. ''Oh, you mean our hand-tailored, top-of-the-range, made-to-order, specially imported black silk loafers?'' he asked, extending a pair. Ghastly nodded, not taking his eyes off them. ''Weeeeeelll, I'm not that sorry to say that you can't have them.'' Ghastly was snapped out of his fantasies where he would take his shoes to the park and they would fly kites, and go out for dinner and laugh and run over fields together...''Wha-wha?'' ''These shoes have a waiting list you know! The material is one of the most expensive things EVAH. They aren't created out of regular £5000 organza silk rolls taken from the belly of the Hochygochi spider, no. They're from the stuff DREAMS are made of.'' Ghastly gulped. ''How much are they?'' ''More than you can afford with that Matt Lucas haircut,'' snapped the camp man. ''You aren't on the waiting list. And to get on the list you would have had to sign onto it like, five months ago. Get with the Gucci. You're never gonna have these babies.'' And with hat he turned his back to Ghastly and began making out with the shoes. Ghastly sniffed and walked back out the shop. _Hold it together now, Barbie. Big guys don't cry...we don't cry..._''We do cry!'' he sobbed and started wailing. People were looking at him but Ghastly didn't care. He had lost the closest thing he ever had to love.

Later on at Gordon's they all sat talking. Ghastly was unusually silent and had stormed upstairs as soon as they got in without saying why, but Valkyrie's box of truffles had gone missing and they would occasionally hear the song All By Myself drifting through the ceiling. Fletcher and Valkyrie were arguing. ''We should have the wedding in London! It's my hometown!'' ''Fletch, practically all our friends are in Ireland. Why can't we use this house for the wedding? It's big enough and the garden is amazing at this time of year.'' Tanith and Skulduggery snickered at the looks the fiances were sending each other. ''No, Valkyrie! We can take everybody over! Besides, you've only been to England a few times!'' Valkyrie could see that Fletcher was serious about this. She looked at him coyly then kissed him full-on for several long seconds, then drew back and looked into his eyes. ''Please?'' He looked unsure. ''Valkyrie, I don't know...'' ''I'll give you the toy from my next happy meal...'' ''Done.'' Tanith and Valkyrie then started talking about the guest list so Skulduggery and Fletcher moved into the kitchen. Skulduggery sat down. ''Fletcher, you should really get Ghastly to make your suit for the wedding. Val and Tanith couldn't find anything so he's making their dresses. You know it's the best choice, he can enhance everything.'' ''Even my thing thing?'' ''Is that what you call your...'' Fletcher sighed dreamily. ''Yeah.'' Skulduggery took a few seconds to pity Valkyrie then moved on. ''Ok then, you need to pick your best man. Val and you want a traditional wedding so it's the best thing.'' Fletcher sat down with his favourite tipple of banana milk and smiled at Skulduggery. ''Then why don't you be my best man?'' Skulduggery was taken aback. ''Me be your best man?'' ''Yeah, why not? I don't really have a lot of mates in the magic world so either you or Ghastly would be great. And I know Valkyrie would totally approve.'' Skulduggery wasn't sure how to respond. He was deciding between 'terrified', 'shocked' and 'Kenspeckle Grouse' but saw Fletcher was being serious, so he nodded and said ''Thanks Fletcher. I'm really honoured.''

A week later and it was July the fifth, the day of the wedding. It was early morning and the ceremony was taking place in a few hours. The guests had started to arrive. China was already there looking gorgeous as usual, talking to Clarabelle uncomfortably and not noticing Solomon Wreath checking her out. Cassandra was being greeted by Tanith and Kenspeckle had just arrived. Valkyrie was getting nervous. Fletch, Skulduggery and Ghastly hadn't returned from their bachelor party the night before. Of course Valkyries' bachelorette party had been a small, quiet affair...

*flashback*

''How looooww can you go? How looooww can you go?'' Tanith, China and Valkyrie screamed excitedly as Clarabelle attempted the limbo. It was their fourth club of the night. They had been kicked out of the first as Tanith had been doing body shots off of Staven Weeper, the second as they had fastened the club manager to the ceiling with Fletcher's hair gel and the third because they had a water fight in the bathroom and destroyed it. Val and Tanith were partying down when they heard a yell from the balcony above. ''I am the Kraken of the seaaaa!'' Clarabelle yelled. She grabbed a rope decoration and swung of the balcony. For a moment all was still. She flew in a graceful arc, soaring high above the heads of the startled onlookers - and crashed face first into the disco ball. ''Sorry, sorry,'' mumbled Valkyrie and Tanith as they and China scooped Clarabelle off the floor and carried her awkwardly to the exit. ''I was so beautiful,'' smiled Clarabelle drunkenly.

*end flashback*

Valkyrie continued to look out for the Bentley or Ghastly's van approaching but saw nothing. She sighed as she was going to have to go and get changed soon. Tanith started calling her name. ''Valkyrie! Valkyrie! VALKYRIEEEE!'' she turned round and there standing next to Tanith was Skulduggery, Fletcher, Ghastly and Anton Shudder. They all wore ripped shirts and trousers, in Fletcher's case jeans. ''What _happened_ to you?'' she asked, running over and pulling them into the house away from the other guests. ''Did you get attacked? Was it Dusk?'' Fletcher grinned and shook his head. ''We were at this wicked bar, and then we saw Sanguine so Shudder asked him why he was on our turf and he dissed our hair and Skulduggery's hat and Ghastly's shoes so we beat him up.'' Ghastly, who looked very drunk indeed mumbled something that sounded like ''Om nom nom epicness,'' so Valkyrie ignored that. She made them get upstairs, gave them fresh clothes to change into and went back downstairs to find Ghastly passed out drunk snoring on the kitchen floor and Madam Mist poking him with a stick. She shooed Madam Mist away and called in Tanith to help her get Ghastly upstairs.

After the guys were dressed and Ghastly was (relatively) sober, they went outside to greet more of the guests. Valkyrie went up to the gates and grinned as a car drew up. A girl with hazel eyes and long dark brown hair accentuated with red and purple streaks got out. ''Tariana!'' Valkyrie and Tariana had met on a mission when they worked together to save Skul a few years ago. She was an Adept who could walk through walls and as she was tall for her age she looked older than her sixteen years. She smiled and hugged Valkyrie. ''Hey Val! I can't believe it's your wedding day!'' She looked around at the people gathering. ''Is Ravel here yet?'' Tariana was known to have a bit of obsession with Erskine and had freaked him out many times. ''No, he's not here yet, but the other guests should be arriving soon.'' Tariana went to find a friend of hers and Valkyrie wandered over over to the front of the house and was greeted by Amara Calla, a shapeshifting Adept. She wore a short red miniskirt and a black tank top over a tiger patterned vest. Her and Valkyrie hugged and Val said ''Thanks for coming. I know it must be awkward for you.'' Amara shrugged. ''It's your wedding, I just wanted to be here. Family's family.'' Valkyrie nodded. As her cousin she was the only one that knew of Amaras' parentage - she was the daughter of China and Gordon, inheriting her father's intelligence and mother's beauty. Amara tossed her long blonde hair - almost the colour of Gordon's - back from her face. ''I better go say hello to Mother, I haven't talked to her in a few months...'' Valkyrie laughed at the expression on Amara's face and went over to where Skulduggery was talking to an old friend of his from the war and a fellow detective, Adrasdos Dark.

She had blonde hair with black streaks running through it, lime green eyes and moved with an eerie gracefulness that marked her out as a vampire. She was also a necromancer and an accomplished fighter. Her black coat went well with her calf-high boots and she wore a gold crucifix and bangles. She smiled to Valkyrie and carried on laughing with Skulduggery about a case they had worked on together. Valkyrie and Fletcher had gone round talking to people until a man with tiny round glasses stepped in front of them. ''Hey!'' he grinned, holding out his hand. They looked at him. Valkyrie was about to say hey but then Fletcher spoke. ''Who are you?'' The man's grin faltered. ''You...you do know who I am right?'' Fletcher studied him. ''Well, if I was over thirty I'd say you were John Lennon, but I'm under thirty, so I'll have to say Harry Potter.'' The man looked crushed. ''Guys! It's me! Scapegrace!'' he pulled off the glasses. Fletcher stumbled back in shock. ''Vaurien! Where did you come from?'' they bumped fists and started talking about how clingy Thrasher was being. Valkyrie sighed with amusement and moved off. Meanwhile, Fletcher and Scapegrace had been joined by Skulduggery and Ravel, who had just escaped from Tariana. They were discussing the latest attack Dusk had headed in Australia, and Fletcher as usual added in his intellectual and thought-provoking view. ''Sometimes I sniff bumblebees. They smell kind of like my gran.'' He moved off to greet a relative. Erskine raised his eyebrows. ''What a charming young man Valkyrie is marrying.'' Skulduggery snorted. ''I believe he had an original thought once. It died of lonliness.''

Ghastly was moving through the gathering crowd, trying to walk off his hangover. He nodded to a few people he knew and was feeling slightly better until he looked up. Opposite him was the man from the shoe store. _The man from the shoe store. _They looked at each other. Ghastly narrowed his eyes and they began to walk towards each other. He was Ghastly Bespoke. GHASTLY FREAKIN' BESPOKE. He made clothes and could do some badass fighting. He was pwn on legs. He-he had shit his pants. Ghastly swore internally. Must have been the stress. _Right,_ he thought. _Back to my swagga._ ''What,'' he growled, striding up to the man, ''are you doing here?'' The obnoxious man raised his eyebrows.. ''I'm here for the wedding. Why are you here? To show your low-rent shoes off to the unfortunate world?'' Ghastly couldn't believe it. ''How daaaarrree you!'' he gasped. ''These were imported from France!'' The man sniffed. ''And these were imported from Italy,'' he said, pointing to his feet. Ghastly gulped. It was the shoes. _The _shoes. He blinked back a tear and glared at the man. He was just about to tell the man to shove off when he heard a call of ''Brian!'' and the man turned round. Fletcher was jogging towards them and clasped the man into a hug. Ghastly was speechless as Fletcher turned towards him. ''Ghastly,'' he beamed. ''This is my big brother Brian. I'm sure you'll get along, 'cause Brian here loves shoes too! Isn't that cool!'' Ghastly was sure that if he said anything he might vomit, faint, or curl up into a ball crying, so he didn't respond. ''Well I gotta catch up with Brian so we better go. Bye!'' Fletcher lead his brother away, but as they went Brian turned round and smirked at him. That was the final straw. Ghastly laid his head on Finbar's shoulder and cried.

After greeting a few more people Tanith rushed up to Valkyrie and started dragging her upstairs. ''It's time, Valkyrie,'' she said with a serious face. ''Time to get PHYSICAL!'' That didn't really make sense, but Valkyrie laughed and allowed Tanith to take her upstairs. The blonde woman plonked Valkyrie down in her bedroom and grinned evilly. ''You're in my hands now, Cain,'' she smirked. ''And you're facing the final frontier.'' Valkyrie snorted. ''What's with all the cheesy action-movie lines? You sound like Fletcher playing World Of Warcraft!'' ''He didn't actually get to play it, Val. He couldn't remember how to turn his Xbox on.'' Valkyrie ignored this, not liking to be reminded that her fiance had an IQ the equivalent of a pineapple. With hair to match. Tanith skipped cackling back into the room with a menacing box. She withdrew several items from it. ''Is that my lipgloss?'' Valkyrie asked, reaching for it. ''It's my lipgloss now, sucka!'' Tanith exlaimed, brandishing it like her sword. Valkyrie sat back and sighed.

An hour later, she looked back in the mirror. _Wow, _Valkyrie thought. Tanith was amazing. Her eyes had been outlined with mascara or eyeliner or some black stuff anyway and they looked huge. She wore her long white silk wedding dress made by Ghastly, and her hair was loose and wavy around her shoulders. She grinned and hugged Tanith, who wore a pretty knee-length dress in a shade of turquoise. ''Thank you,'' she breathed in her best friend's ear. Tanith giggled. ''Come on!'' She lead Valkyrie down the stairs, singing Marry You by Bruno Mars at the top of her voice. At the bottom Echo-Gordon stood waiting - he was taking her down the aisle as her parents couldn't make it to the wedding. The back garden doors were wide open, and she could see everyone in their seats talking as the sun reflected off their heads. Echo-Gordon smiled at her. ''Ready?'' she looked at him and Tanith and grinned. ''Yeah.'' Tanith hugged her quickly and walked over to the doors.

Gordon took her arm. ''I'm so proud of you, Val. You've done everyone proud. I remember when you were just twelve years old...you've grown so much since then, and-'' ''Please, Gordon. Let's not embarass both of us with some sappy speech.'' He grinned. ''Oh thank God. I was worrying myself.'' Just as Tanith stepped out into the sun and the Wedding March began, he tried to give her the biggest hug he could, being just an image of Gordon. ''You're an amazing girl, Steph. And we all love you.'' She blinked hard to stop the tears falling. ''Love you too.'' And then they stepped out of the doors, and everyone was looking at them, and she hadn't felt this scared since she was a little girl, but she kept her pace and tried to smile. She passed Tariana and Amara and Adrasdos who all grinned and gave her the thumbs-up, past Staven Weeper who gave a nod, past Finbar who was blowing his nose loudly and smiling dopily at her, and past China who gave a sniff and quickly put her head down. The Elders were also there and Thurid Guild was having a facial seizure - oh. No. He was smiling. How odd. Gordon patted her arm and sat down as she moved forward. Tanith was on the stage, tears running down her face with a watery smile. Ghastly was also on the stage, also had tears in his eyes, but was staring at Fletcher's big brothers' feet. Huh. And there was Skulduggery who was wearing his facade, looking as if it was the proudest day of his life. He bent and kissed the top of her head as she stood beside them and Kenspeckle (who was drafted in as priest because no-one else was grumpy enough to do it). And she turned to Fletcher who was wearing the same black jacket and white shirt as Skulduggery and Ghastly, and he grinned at her as he took her hand. Someone was crying loudly at the back of the seats. She thought it was Caelan. She didn't care. And just as Kenspeckle opened his mouth, everything went wrong. And for once, it wasn't because Fletcher had left his straighteners on again.

_**So here's part one! Thanks to Tariana, Amara and Adrasdos for letting me borrow your characters! Was it all right? Review and tell me what you think! :)**_


	15. Marry You: Bruno Mars Part 2

_**Ohmygosh, thank you all for your response! I'm so happy! I didn't think the last chapter was that good, but you all made me feel better :')**_

_**Amara - Yes, poor Ghastly :( OMFG I LOVE THAT QUOTE! And I might actually ;)**_

_**Tariana - Thankyou so much! And that's so sweet! Hopefully you'll like your character in this chapter too :)**_

_**Mademise - Ahh yes, I did rush the writing of it so I didn't have a lot of time to check for typos :L My sister thinks it's Lennon too, and she's four years younger than me, so who knows...and I thought 'Ghastly always gets the shoes, so this time what if he didn't?' and of course the whole plot is based around that xD**_

_**Rubaline - Heehee I think you have X Factor obsession, my friend :) And two of my friends moved to my town from Newcastle so I can come visit if they go there ;)**_

_**PaintExplosion - Ghastly does have some scary stuff going on with his shoes... I love it too, it's a great song.**_

_**Adrasdos - Thanks for your review it was really sweet, and it was my 50th! I should give you a prize, something nice...I'm kinda broke at the moment so can I just give you the magic fish? 'Cause he's AWESOME xD**_

_**I had a sleepover at my friend's on Saturday for her birthday, and we had a great time shopping for dinner and stuff (I crashed a shopping trolley, told three small girls I had a Firebolt and hugged a hobo, I was slightly hyper :P) but after we watched You, Me and Dupree (I hate Kate Hudson, she goes out with Matt Bellamy :'( ) we watched Titanic, and oh dear Lord I cried. A lot. My three friends were sitting there occasionally sniffing and I was bawling my eyes out (he's just so hot, why does he have to die?) and I still feel like crap. So come on, did any of you watch it and cry? Please say I'm not the only one! **_

_**Tariana and Garett are owned by Tariana, Adrasdos owns Adrasdos and Amara owns Amara, just to clear that up :)**_

_**Ohh and apart from being dedicated to the three above I'd like to thank the mysterious person from Quatar for reading all the chapters of my story. Person from Quatar, if you are reading this, review so I can give you a virtual hug! YOU ROCK! ;D**_

_**Enjoy!**_

Just as Kenspeckle was about to start the service a sudden howl broke the air. Everyone looked round. At the edge of Gordons estate figures were running right at them, sprinting on all fours, looking really hairy- ''OH DEAR GOD!'' Fletcher yelled. ''TWILIGHT IS REAL!'' And then he collapsed. Valkyrie stared. Sure enough, the figures looked like wolves. There was about thirty of them, ranging around the garden. Two or three seemed to be wearing Team Jacob t-shirts. Weird. All the guests were on their feet and looking at the wolves. A man with mousey brown strode between them, dressed all in white like a twisted version of Valkyrie. He walked up the aisle, posed, stumbled a bit then flicked his hair back. Ghastly started chuckling. So did Skulduggery. So did Adrasdos and China, until quite a few of the guests were laughing their heads off. The man in white looked round, looking confused and a little hurt. ''Who's he?'' Valkyrie asked Skulduggery who was on all fours banging his fist off the ground. He looked up, tears of laughter streaming down his cheeks. ''It's- it's Garett Veral! He's the stupidest Fletcher alive!'' he howled with laughter. Ghastly had used his fit of amusement as an excuse to lie on the ground and look up Taniths' dress. He grinned sleazily or a moment until Tanith stamped on his eye. The man, Garett Veral, looked annoyed.

''Stop! Stop! This is about me! This is my day! I'm come to defeat you all for once!'' Skulduggery gasped for air. ''Last time we saw you, you were in the war and had managed to sit on your sword, jamming it up your ass. How did you get it out?'' Garett scowled. ''That's not here or there.'' He coughed and quietly mumbled ''It's still up there,'' then sniffled and regained his stupid expression. ''The point is I'm here to get revenge on you!'' Valkyrie frowned at him. ''Why all of us? We weren't in the war. We haven't done anything to you.'' ''You are friends with those who fought against me. That counts with me. You shall all pay!'' he cackled pathetically, broke into a coughing fit then yelled ''Wolves! Attack!'' ''That was the stupidest damn thing I've ever heard,'' Skulduggery began but a wolf- a _werewolf, _Valkyrie realised - leapt at him. Ghastly made his way over to Garett. ''Hey Garett, you've got something on your shoe.'' ''Huh?'' Garett looked down. Ghastly punched him. ''That's for staining Armani loafers!'' he yelled.

Valkyrie dragged the still unconscious Fletcher to under the stage stairs and joined the fight. Her wedding dress was loose so she could run and fight almost as well as she could with her protective clothing. She slammed into a wolf and sent it flying, Tanith doing the exact same move behind her. They grinned at each other than ran on. Valkyrie felt something shift behind her and she screamed just as a huge black wolf sprang at her, only to be knocked aside by a blur of black and blonde. Adrasdos had the wolf on the ground with a Japanese Steel sword at its throat. ''We kicked your ass in Twilight and we'll do it again here!'' she slammed the wolf into a row of chairs and they rolled over. The wolf raised a paw but Adrasdos grabbed it, flipped the wolf over and stuck her sword through its back. She turned round, saw Valkyrie, nodded and grinned and directed a wave of shadows through the head of another wolf. Valkyrie rolled her eyes. ''You save my life twice and make it look effortless. Show off.'' She grinned at the vampire and twisted around to meet a wolf thundering towards her. She ducked down as it sailed over her head but came up just as it had passed her and threw a fireball at it. It screamed and went down. She passed Amara who was fighting back-to-back with China. Amara had shapeshifted into protective clothes like Valkyrie's, but hers were blood red. Amara winked at Val, backflipped over a snarling mass of fur and snapped the wolf's neck before it had time to turn. She gracefully skipped back to where China was sending waves of energy crashing into the beasts.

Valkyrie saw Skulduggery signalling to her. He had a scar down his face but apart from that looked fine. She laughed and just as a wolf aimed for a screaming Staven Weeper she blew a concentrated gust of air at it and it shot into Skulduggery's path. He aimed for it and shot it several times in the head. They high-fived and she ducked a blow from another wolf's claws then sliced it through with her Necromancer ring. She saw the rest of the guests taking care of the other wolves and gasped. Tariana was in hand-to-hand combat with Garett, and it was clear she was totally owning him. He was gasping for breath and barely keeping up as she darted around him occasionally dealing out a well-aimed kick or blow. Tariana sighed. ''It's been fun, G, it really has. Wanna meet up some time soon? I could give you some fighting tips. Like, actually be good at it.'' She spun around and lashed out a kick into Garett's jaw. He moaned and brought his hands up to it but Tariana kicked him in the back of the knees and he fell over, then shakily got to his feet. Tariana punched him. He squeeked. She punched him again. He yelled and tried to get him away. Tariana hit him a third time right in the center of his forehead and his eyes rolled back and he collapsed. She blew out. ''Well that was fun.''

Valkrie noticed Anton and Ghastly cutting up a wolf's Team Jacob t-shirt up then setting it on fire, howling with macho-ism. As Adrasdos ripped the head off the last werewolf Valkyrie sighed and strangely felt sad, even though adrenaline was still pumping through her system. Her dress had blood over it, half the wedding chairs were destroyed and her wedding day was ruined. She bit her lip then began walking down the aisle. Tanith grabbed her. ''Valkyie, where are you going? You still have to get married!'' Valkyrie sighed again. ''Tan, how can I get married? We've just been in a huge fight with werewolves, for Gods sake. Our friends could have been killed.'' Amara approached her. ''Valkyrie, we don't mind. It's what we do, it's part of this world. You're our friend.'' Adrasdos grinned, wiping blood off her sword. ''Yeah. Besides, that was SO awesome!'' Tariana exclaimed ''Hell yeah!'' and slappped high-fives with Ravel and Finbar, her hazel eyes twinkling. China, who stood beside Gordon, placed her hand on Amara's shoulder and for once the petite girl didn't jerk away. Finbar put his arm around Sharon's shoulders and gave her the peace sign. The Elders looked all serious and commanding, but there was kindness in their eyes. Shudder smiled at her in a fatherly way. Caelan made throat-slitting gestures, shaking his head with wide eyes.

Valkyrie looked at all of them and turned round. There they were. The ones who had been there right from the start. Skulduggery. Tanith. Ghastly. Her three best friends. She remembered how strange they had seemed back then, almost ten years ago, how alien, yet familiar the world of magic was to her. Back then she didn't know how Skulduggery chased whoever stole his hat around until he caught them and tickled until they gave up. How Tanith would sing while wandering around and it sounded like the dawn chorus. How Ghastly would tuck everyone up in blankets when they had fallen asleep during a movie and then make breakfast in the morning. They smiled at her and suddenly it really didn't matter that one was a skeleton, or one was horribly scarred or one wielded a sword like a maniac. Then she realised it had never really mattered at all. She walked up to them and pulled the three into a tight hug as she tried to blink back the tears. She tried to show in that hug how each of them truly meant the world to her and how much she loved them, for saving her life, for training her, for cheering her up on the darkest days when all she needed was a night in with her friends when all they did was talk and laugh and watch DVDs. ''Thanks, guys,'' she whispered fiercely. And by the way the three all had tears of emotion in their eyes, she guessed they felt it too. ''Come on!'' Kenspeckle yelled. ''I'm nine hundred years old! I'll die before you finish your group love-in!'' ''Way to spoil the moment, Kenspeckle,'' grumbled Skulduggery, squeezing Valkyrie's hand as he lead them up the stairs. All the guests cheered and laughed as they sat down. Valkyrie stepped onto the stage and smiled. Fletcher was there, hands behind his back, waiting. He smiled cocky/cute smile as he took her hand. ''You ready to do this?'' he whispered. Valkyrie felt her smile spread across her face in response. ''Of course.'' Kenspeckle winked at her as he began to speak.

''I now pronounce you hair-gel obsessive and wife!'' Kenspeckle yelled at the end of the ceremony. ''Are these the right words?'' Tanith whispered to Ghastly as everyone clapped and cheered. He shrugged in response. Fletcher grabbed Valkyrie, dipped her down low and kissed her full-on. Kenspeckle was sick into a flowerpot. Fletcher roared with testosterone after kissing Valkyrie, sprinted down the aisle and got up into Caelans face. ''You see that, Broody McBiceps? I KISSED HER. She's like, mine now! I got her! I'm freaking married to her!'' He waved his wedding ring in the vampires face. ''Suck that, emo!'' Caelan knocked him out. After being shaken awake by Ghastly, Fletcher grinned. ''I owned that motherfucker, didn't I?'' Nobody spoke. Taking that as a confirmation, Fletcher stood up. ''Come on, people! LET'S PARTYYYY!'' He got out a vuvuzela and started honking it. Everyone whooped and ran into the house.

It was about nine p.m and the party was in full swing - there was no question that it was the place to be tonight. Everyone was dancing either inside or outside on the lawn where most of the people were. Wreath strutted up to China. ''Hey gorgeous. Can I just tell you this now - you're hot. I'm hot. Our babies will be radioactive. So let's boogie.'' She made a disgusted face. ''Stay away from me, Casanova and go play with your three sluts.'' He looked back to where three young mages were winking at him. ''But China-'' She blanked him and turned around to see Kenspeckle staring at her with an odd expression on his face. ''Did it hurt?'' He croaked. China smiled bashfully. ''Aww, you mean when I fell from heaven?'' He snorted. ''No, I mean when you fell off the ugly tree and smacked every damn branch on the way down.'' China gasped. No-one had dared ever say this to her before. Not one man, not even the great Skulduggery Pleasant himself. She was irresistible. She looked over Kenspeckle up and down several times and she raised her delicate eyebrows. _Not bad, _she thought. _Not bad at all. _Kenspeckle shrieked and ran back through the crowd as China squeezed his ass and growled at him.

Ghastly, Fletcher and Shudder were _very_ drunk. Fletcher was showing Shudder how to do a flicky-hair trick with hair gel. Ghastly was getting annoyed. ''You are obsessed with your hair, it's extremely weird.'' ''Oh please, Ghastly. You have a shoe fetish.'' Ghastly took a few moments to consider this. ''You're all right, Renn.'' Meanwhile, Finbar was entertaining Skulduggery, Erskine and Guild. ''So a Sea Hag walks into a bar and-'' the rest of the joke was cut off as it as far too rude to repeat. On the dancefloor in front of the steps Valkyrie and Tanith were competing in a massive dance battle, changed out of their wedding clothes into amazing party dresses, red for Val and gold for Tanith. The two of them, Skul, Ghastly and Fletcher had introduced the magical world to dance battles and now everyone loved them. Suddenly Leonardo DiCaprio got up onstage and started doing a tap dancing thing, just like in the Titanic scene. He looked to his right, probably hoping to see Rose their ready to carry on the dance but there was only Ghastly attempting to copy his moves but tripping over his feet. He sighed and moved off.

Muse had been hired for the entertainment but they were arguing with Skulduggery, Finbar, Erskine and Weeper who had apparently formed their own band called 'The Finbar Four.' But then Skulduggery went off to beat up Sanguine who was partying like a madman, so Muse got up and started to play Supermassive Black Hole. Everyone screamed and started dancing mentally. Valkyrie and Fletcher were up on a table twirling around and Wreath was doing some impressive things with his cane. Skulduggery of course went onto the dance floor and started throwing these awesome moves and owning everyone, but nobody really cared. Tariana and Ravel were doing some bizarre foxtrot salsa thing that looked weird but very cool and Gordon was in the outdoor hot tub. It was the possibly the best party EVER. Apart from the night where Val, Tanith and Ghastly set Skulduggery up on a blind date with Madam Mist, 'cause that was just hilarious.

It was an hour into the a.m and things had stepped up a level. Leo and Ghastly were in the hot tub, Skulduggery was dancing by hiself to A Pocket Full Of Lead by Paolo Nutini and Matt and Dom were getting chatted up by Finbar and Sharon. Valkyrie and Fletcher were lying on their backs looking up at the stars spread above them. Valkyrie had a feeling this romantic moment wouldn't last...and it didn't. Toxic by Britney Spears came on the speakers and Fletcher jumped up. ''It's Britney, bitch!'' he yelled and started a hoedown with Tariana. Amara and her friend Reia who had entered the party a few hours ago were on their backs on the ground giggling over some Harry Potter thing. Valkyrie watched them as Reia said something about red vines and they both exploded with laughter. She grabbed Fletcher and went inside to get a drink, but Clarabelle and Mr Bliss were in the kitchen madly making out. Valkyrie gasped and Fletcher had his Fletchfused face on.

''Bliss, aren't you meant to be dead?'' He stopped exploring Clarabelle's mouth with his tongue and turned round. ''Yeah I am, but I thought I'd come back for the wedding. Good cheer and all.'' He turned back to the blonde lab worker. Valkyrie groaned. ''Second base is all you're getting to in _my _kitchen,'' she warned then backed out the door with Fletcher. Adrasdos moved over to them. ''Your ride's here.'' Valkyrie and Fletcher had decided on a traditional mode of transport to their honeymon destination - they were getting driven to Dublin Airport for their early morning flight. Valkyrie grinned and hugged Adrasdos. ''Thanks!'' she whispered excitedly. She took Fletcher's hand and they went out to the front of the house where the hired car waited. Their bags had already been loaded into the boot. The two of them walked down the front steps as everyone else at the party filed out to see them off. Skul, Tanith and Ghastly all hugged them (Ghastly and Skulduggery choosing to pat Fletchers hair) and they got into the car. Tariana, Amara, Adrasdos and Reia were on the roof waving and Valkyrie had no idea how they had gotten up there. Gordon, Shudder, Finbar, Brian, the still-making-out Clarabelle and Bliss, Cassandra, Caelan, the Elders, Leonardo, and China who was stroking the very scared Kenspeckle's arm were some of the ones on the steps smiling at them. Skulduggery, Tanith and Ghastly were at the bottom of the steps grinning like loonies. ''Do they know we're all gatecrashing their honeymoon in three days?'' whispered Ghastly to Tanith as they both grinned and waved. ''Nope,'' she replied with a laugh. ''And they have no idea we're bringing paintball guns.''

Valkyrie waved goodbye through the open window to her crazy, wonderful family as the car began to turn away from the mansion. She wiped a tear from her eye and the last thing she heard before snuggling into Fletchers arms was ''No! Don't pass him the crack pipe! No! Don't do that! Noooooo-'' which was cut off by Skulduggerys' scary, high-pitched, stoned laughter.

The next morning Ghastly walked around the sleeping bodies littered around Gordons' estate. He hummed My Heart Will Go On and thought about Leo. A small, paedoish smile played around the corners of his mouth. He stepped over a sleeping blonde, then turned back and stared. Brian was passed out on the grass, thumb in mouth. _Wow, he sleeps just like Fletcher, _he thought. But then he saw the shoes Brian was wearing. THEshoes. Did he dare take the risk? Slowly, Ghastly bent down and lifted each exquisite shoe off the mans' feet. He then quietly tiptoed around the side of the house, hugged the loafers with tear-filled eyes and screamed with hapiness.

_**Well that's it done! Thank you so much for reading! Ghastly finally got the shoes! :D**_

_**A big thanks again to Amara, Adrasdos and Tariana for letting me borrow their characters :)**_

_**And I had to put Muse and Leo in, I just had to xD**_

_**I had so much fun writing this, you wouldn't believe it! Review and tell me what you think! :)**_


	16. Crush: Glee Cover

_**Thanks all of you for your reviews, they're great, I can't wait to write more wedding chapters!**_

_**Amara - Exclamation marks are amazing! And thank you so much, I thought he was the only one that cried when he floated away like an adorable popsicle :P**_

_**Rubaline - Of course it's not the end! I've even got the next five chapters planned out in my head already! And Muse and Leo are omnomnom indeed xD**_

_**So this chapter is a result of my lovely conversations with Tariana Grace, Amara Calla and Mademise Morte. The fainting bench is co-owned by Mademise and me, Darren Criss is owned by Amara and me (we wish...) and Tariana gave me the amazing idea for Chris Colfer and Ghastly and Scapegrace's book xD**_

_**This chapter is dedicated to the mysterious reader who commented on chapter 10, your review was great, it made me smile :)**_

Sunday night, Gordon's mansion. Valkyrie and Tanith were curled up on the couch, Fletcher was practicing his cheerleading skills, Skulduggery was looking at some notes on a case, Ghastly was sitting in the armchair he always used and Vaurien was reading his book Scapegrace Pleasant - Retarded Zombie King. Suddenly a new voice came on the TV that had been turned to a random channel. ''And now we'll arrive at our favourite school, McKinley High!'' Tanith, Valkyrie and Fletcher screamed and Fletcher bounded onto the couch, adjusting his Cheerios outfit. Ghastly looked at them. ''Don't tell me you're obsessed with that sing-song along, pop-culture mocking cauldron of pent-up emotions.'' ''You've had a lot of spare time on your hands, haven't you, Ghastly?'' He dropped his head to the floor and said shamefully ''But the dictionary's so interesting...'' Tanith shushed him and they went on watching a brunette girl serenade an almost ridiculously tall football player. Ghastly turned to Skulduggery. ''I can't believe they watch this stuff!'' he sighed. Skulduggery laughed nervously and said ''I know, I hate Glee!'', while edging his 'I Heart Puck' tshirt under the chair with his foot. Ghastly was chatting with Scapegrace about some publishing deal he was getting for his book when a boy strode onscreen. ''KURRRTTTT!'' yelled Val, Tanith and Fletcher. Ghastly looked at the boy who looked very camp and was wearing amazing clothes, and his _shoes..._Ghastly found himself being drawn to the show, and whenever Kurt came on, Ghastly would sigh at the actor's brilliance. At the end credits, he saw Kurt was played by someone called Chris Colfer. Ghastly grinned. He was going to meet Chris Colfer, no matter what.

A week later, Ghastly was at his tailor shop watching Glee, his nose pressed right up against the TV screen as Kurt came on. He sighed as the show ended, then gasped as an announcement came up - ''And let's all wish good luck to Glee's very own Chris Colfer, who has been nominated for an Emmy! The awards show will take place in a fortnight in New York, so everybody out there better get ready!'' Ghastly swooned onto his special Kurt fainting bench. Chris was up for an Emmy! Oh how prestigious. Ghastly fanned himself, all aflutter. He was going to meet Chris at the Emmys and fulfil his dream! Skulduggery walked into the room. ''Ghastly have you seen my hat, I was taking her to the cine-AHHH MY GOD!'' Ghastly looked up from where he was cuddling his Kurt cardboard cut-out. Skulduggery gave put on a camp voice and said ''Well hellooo there Miss Bespoke, I didn't realise I was interrupting such a personal moment! I could go sort your handbag collection, or buy you some lip balm, or maybe polish your loafers?'' Ghastly smiled. ''Oooh, yes ple-!'' Skulduggery hit him over the head with a tennis racket. ''Man up, Bespoke!'' he yelled, brandishing the racket. ''That's it! I'm taking you to a bar! We might even get in a fight or two. Because that's what manly men do. And we are manly men! Grab your cowboy boots, we're going hardcore!'' Skulduggery slid hillbilly-style across the Bentley as he lead Ghastly outside. Ghastly tried to do the same thing but slammed into the open car door. He facepalmed then trotted round the side.

Skulduggery and Ghastly walked into the bar. The Boys Are Back In Town started playing on the jukebox. They were that awesome. Finbar Wrong who was playing pool grinned. ''Skul, Ghastly, just the guys I could've wanted! These are my boyz,'' he said, gesturing to the frat guys behind him wearing baggy jeans. Ghastly couldn't stand the sight of such unkempt youths. He tapped one on the shoulder. ''Excuse me sir gangster, but I believe your trousers are descending.'' The frat guy and all his mates turned to him in disbelief. ''Yo' dissin' on ma threads? OH NO YO' DI-INT!'' He picked Ghastly up over one shoulder and threw him out the bar door. Skulduggery popped his skull around the door, giggled and said ''I'll be...uh...five minutes.'' Three hours later, Ghastly gave up and walked home. He was walking down a street when a dark blur of emo-ness jumped down from tree in front of him. ''Oh, hello Caelan.'' The broody Heathcliffish vampire turned to him. ''Ghastly Bespoke, I've had the pleasure.'' Ghastly sniggered, yelled ''INNUENDO!'' and fell silent. Caelan didn't seem to know what an innuendo was, and he spent the rest of the walk telling the tailor about his many hours spent sitting on tree trunks, talking to Edward and prowling the streets of Dublin.

It was the most depressing day of Ghastly's life.

But then something interesting happened. As he told Caelan to shut up for the one hundred and thirteenth time, two girls popped up from behind them. ''ARGH!'' yelled Caelan. The two girls glared at him. They both had long dark hair, but the taller one had purple and red streaks running through it. Ghastly was about to say hey but then they growled at Caelan. ''Eew, freaky stalker creepy emo boy! What's your problem? Ghastly has enough to deal with!'' Tariana scowled. Reia pawed at him and hissed. ''So you fancy Val and now Ghastly. So you're like the town bicycle now. Well here's an FYI for you - we're not hopping on, you perverted sucka. You better run. You better run faaaassst.'' Caelan only had a few seconds to escape before the two teens jumped on him, pulling his hair. Tariana sat on him. ''You're going daawyyn!'' she yelled into his ear. He shrieked and Ghastly almost felt sorry for him as the girls jumped up and down on him and dragged him off into an alley. Five minutes later Tariana and Reia emerged, laughing and high-fiving. ''Uh...what happened?'' Ghastly asked them. Tariana shrugged. ''He tried to beat us, but he didn't even land a punch. We set our pet moose on him.'' ''No, really.'' ''Fine, we killed him.'' Ghastly stared at them. ''You killed Caelan?'' Reia rolled her eyes. ''It wasn't hard. I mean he's a seriously shit fighter. The guy's as straight as a rainbow.'' Ghastly felt his mouth drop open and slowly pushed it back up. ''Wow. Er...congratulatons.'' They grinned freakily. ''Well, we're off to terrorize Sanguine now, so ta-ra.'' They started back down the street but then Tariana turned back around. ''Oh, and Ghastly?'' ''Yeah?'' ''Chris Colfer likes tuxedos.'' With a wink, they disappeared, leaving Ghastly to wonder if they had read his diary AGAIN.

Fletcher looked up from his morning apple juice. ''So what's the plan again, Ghastly?'' ''You Teleport me to the Emmy Award Ceremony, I sneak backstage and meet Chris, while recording my movements into this.'' He held up a small voice recorder. Fletcher bit his lip. ''I don't know, Ghastly...'' ''I need to do this, Fletcher! It's Chris freakin' Colfer! He's the coolest damn kid alive!'' Fletcher grinned and waved his hand about. ''Fine, fine, fine. How much time do we have?'' Ghastly checked his watch. ''Five hours.'' Fletcher grinned. ''Cool. Wanna give me piggybacks round your garden?'' ''Sure.'' After the piggyback session they went on facebook, changed Caelan's status to 'dead', sent Skulduggery dirty pictures and posted lyrics to Lady Gaga songs on everyone's walls. It was MADNESS. But then Ghastly checked the clock, squeeled and turned to Fletcher. ''Is my hair alright?'' ''You don't have any.'' ''Perfect. Let's roll.'' They Teleported a street down from the Plaza where the Emmys were being held. Ghastly said goodbye to Fletcher and made his way to the grand building. Avoiding the red carpet he sneaked round the back and climbed in a window. He whispered into the voice recorder:

_''7:03 p.m. Just got in. I'm searching for Chris' dressing room.''_

_''7: 16 p.m. Need toilet. Am now searching for these.''_

_''7: 31 p.m. Couldn't find one. Have used a plant pot. Hope it didn't belong to anyone important.''_

_''7: 32 p.m. They held Dobby's ashes. Shit.''_

_''7:56 p.m. Hiding from enraged Harry Potter fans. Will now resort to sneaky methods to get to Chris' dressing room. Big G out.'' _

Ghastly stuffed the recorder back in his pocket and walked down a corridor. ''ZOMG,'' he whispered to himself. The star himself was standing at the end of the corridor, talking to two guards. Ghastly dug the recorder out of his pocket. ''8:09 p.m. I'm now going to attempt to take Chris's guards out. Wish me luck_.'' _He paused, then began to sing softly. ''I don't know if you can see, the changes that have come over me, these last few days I've been afraid, that I might drift away...'' By the end of the song he was sobbing. ''Oh, but let me tell you that I love you, that I think about you all the time, Caledonia you're calling me, and now I'm going home...'' He looked up, wiping tears from his eyes. Chris and the bodyguards had vanished. Ghastly cursed and flew round the corner shouting ''Chriiiiis! CHRIIIIISSS!'' At the end of the next corridor, Chris and the bodyguards turned round to see Ghastly running towards them. The guards pushed Chris back and sped towards Ghastly, hands reaching into their pockets for their guns, but Ghastly drew back his pair of loafers, shouted ''Hi-YAHH!'' and knocked the guards out with them. He bounded over to Chris who looked weirded out. ''Chris, EHMAHGAWSH it's so amazing to meet you at last, I-'' he saw who was behind Chris. ''Leo? Why are you here?'' The blonde actor peered suspiciously at him. ''Ghastly? I could say the same for you...'' ''I'm here for Chris.'' ''So am I.'' They glared at each other. ''There's only one thing for this, isn't there?''

Ghastly nodded as Leonardo beant down and put a CD into a conveniently placed CD player. Ghastly started to speak the lyrics. ''Excuse me can I please talk to you for a minute?'' ''Uh-huh, sure, you know you look kinda familiar.'' ''I just wanted to know, do you know somebody named... well, you know his name.'' ''Oh yeah definitely, I know his name.''Well I just want to let you that he's mine.'' ''No, no, he's mine!'' Ghastly began singing. ''You need to give it up, had about enough, it's not hard to see the boy is mine, I'm sorry that you seem to be confused, he belongs to me, the boy is mine.'' Leo swagged up to him and started his lyrics.''Think its time we got this straight, sit and talk face to face, there is no way you could mistake him for your man are you insane?'' ''You can't destroy this love I've found, your silly games I won't allow, the boy is mine without a doubt, you might as well throw in the towel.'' ''But see I know that you may be, just a bit jealous of me, cause you're blind if you can't see, that his love is all in me.'' ''You need to give it up, I've had about enough, it's not hard to see, the boy is mine, I'm sorry that you, seem to be confused, he belongs to me, the boy is mine.'' They ended, both panting hard as they looked around to see that Chris had gone. They screamed and ran down several hallways until they arrived at the backstage area of the Plaza. Chris was onstage holding an award and beaming as he made a speech. ''Thanks all so much for choosing me, I'm so proud to have won, but beore I go I want to say one thing.'' Ghastly couldn't take it any more. ''Chris!'' he yelled. ''CHRIIISSS!''

Back in Dublin Skul, Valkyrie, Tanith and Fletcher were watching the Emmy Awards on TV and eating popcorn. Chris Colfer had just won an award and was thanking everyone. Tanith looked at the TV screen, puzzled. ''Guys, look at the walkway above the stage...are you seeing what I think I am?'' Ghastly was creeping along the walkway to directly above where the Glee actor was standing. He got up onto the side of the walkway and swandived off, right onto the stage. They all screamed as Ghastly tried to stand up but was jumped on by about twenty security guards. Chris meanwhile didn't have a clue what was happening behind him. The guards dragged Ghastly offstage, and the four friends sat in stunned silence. ''Bloody hell,'' whispered Skulduggery, looking desperately scared, either for himself or his best friend's sanity. Meanwhile, Chris was still speaking as Ghastly was dumped by the guards beside Leonardo. They both held in their breaths. ''I just want to thank my best friend. I haven't known him that long, but I've loved his company and he's given me a lot of laughs.'' Ghastly and Leo weren't breathing now. Both had turned blue. ''So can I please welcome to the stage...Darren Criss!'' The crowd went mental as a good-looking dark-haired boy came out onto the stage grinning. The nutty Harry Potter fans in the audience went wild, Ghastly could definitely see Reia and Amara Calla screaming their heads off with excitement.

Him and Leo turned to one another. ''Well, I guess he just doesn't like us,'' Ghastly sighed. Leo nodded sadly and they walked away, right into Skulduggery, who had Val, Tanith and Fletcher standing behind him. Ghastly took a step back. ''What are you doing here?'' Skulduggery who was in his human form grinned. ''We saw you on TV and we got Fletcher to take us here. Well we also wanted to go clubbing at Shenanigans but we need you and your impressive muscles to blag us in.'' Ghastly rubbed his arm, looking awkward. ''Well, see...the thing is...I came here because...I kind of wanted to meet Chris Colfer.'' ''Aw hell naw!'' Valkrie yelled. They all looked at her. ''Sorry,'' she mumbled, ''I've been hanging out with Fletcher a lot.'' There was a storm of applause coming from the direction of the stage and they all turned round. Chris and Darren had just walked off the stage grinning. They stopped beside Ghastly and Leo. ''Uh...hey again,'' Chris said to the two. Ghastly sighed dreamily and said ''Haiii!'' back. Chris nodded and looked at Skulduggery. ''Oh! Hey!'' Skulduggery grinned and shook hands with him. Tanith looked confused. ''Wait, you know Chris Colfer?'' Skulduggery grinned. ''Sure do. I found his missing cat last year when I was in LA.'' Chris smiled fondly. ''I never did repay you for that...how about you come with Darren and me to the club we were going to?'' Skulduggery smirked and agreed. ''That was total WHACK!'' yelled Fletcher. ''Sorry, he had another ghetto moment,'' Val whispered as she dragged him backwards. Skul, Chris and Darren walked off, before Skulduggery noticed Ghastly's face. He looked heartbroken. Skulduggery bit his lip then sighed. He whispered something to his companions, who nodded. Skul turned to his friends. ''Come on, you guys.'' Ghastly, Valkyrie, Fletcher, Tanith and Leo looked at each other and whooped as they joined them. Chris turned to Ghastly. ''Hey, um, guy with weird obsession on me?'' ''Yeah?'' ''You've got a great singing voice...I could maybe get you a role on my show, we're looking for new parts.'' ''WHAT?''

Ghastly flipped his wig over the shoulder of his Cheerio uniform and smiled as he walked down the school hallway set beside Kurt, Rachel and Mercedes. A football player winked at him. Ghastly grinned. He had it goin' on.


	17. Alone: Glee Cover

_**Thankyou Mademise for the last chapter review!**_

_**Here is my attempt at a songfic...who knows how this will turn out...the words in bold are the lyrics :)**_

**I hear the ticking of the clock  
I'm lying here the room's pitch dark**

Skulduggery was on his couch in Cemetery Road, thinking. Just thinking.

**I wonder where you are tonight  
No answer on the telephone**

She was probably out, wasn't she? Out. With Fletcher. Or that creepy vampire kid that had a crush on her. Still, she was happy.

He got off the couch and padded to the balcony. He picked up his phone. ''Valkyrie? It's me, Skulduggery. But you know that, caller ID and all that...right. I'm sounding like an idiot. Can you come over in an hour? I want to tell you something.'' He ended the message and checked the clock. 7: 54 p.m. Perfect.

**And the night goes by so very slow  
Oh I hope that it won't end though  
Alone**

He just needed someone right now. Someone to chase away the memories of the things he had had to do, the things that still haunted him to this day. Skulduggery tried to tell himself that anyone would do, he had just called Valkyrie because she was number 1 on his speed-dial. And was his mobile screensaver. And he kept her old jacket in his wardrobe because it smelled of her. But no, there was that thing he had realised, that he had to get through to her, even if she didn't care.

**'Till now I always got by on my own  
I never really cared until I met you  
And now it chills me to the bone  
How do I get you alone  
How do I get you alone**

He remembered the years of doing things by himself, travelling around the country doing his job. Even having a good time with old friends, but something was missing. Something he didn't even know was there. But when he met Valkyrie his sense of gravity changed. _He _was changed. And nothing would be the same again. He looked at the clock again as he paced nervously. 8: 43. There was still time.

**You don't know how long I have wanted  
To touch your lips and hold you tight You don't know how long I have waited  
And I was going to tell you tonight**

Would she come? She would, wouldn't she? She had to. He looked at the picture on his coffee table, of himself and Valkyrie with their arms around each other on one of their wacky trips to Paris with the others. He had a hand up, waving so the camera and she was pushing his head away so she could grin into the camera. He laughed at the memory. The clock chimed eight o' clock. He sighed. Valkyrie was always on time. She wasn't coming over.

**But the secret is still my own  
and my love for you is still unknown  
Alone**

Skulduggery ran his hand over his skull and sat down feeling a mix of sadness and anger. He almost laughed at himself and his hormonal-teenage-boy behaviour. Then he heard the click of his front door and a light footstep behind him. It was _her. _''Skulduggery? I got your message. Are you all right?'' He turned round. He was right. She had been going out on a date. Her hair was done up into a messy clip and she wore a short red dress with black heels, her signature partying look. He tried not to notice that her lips were painted the exact same rose shade as the dress. ''Skul?'' He took a step towards her. ''Where were you?'' She looked confused. God, she was adorable. ''Me and Tanith ere getting ready to go out clubbing. Why?'' He didn't answer and crossed the space between them, wrapping her in his arms.

**Till now I always got by on my own  
I never really cared until I met you  
And now it chills me to the bone  
How do I get you alone  
How do I get you alone**

''Valkyrie, I...I...I love you.'' He looked down at the brunette. She had a small smile at the corners of her mouth. ''Took you long enough to say it.'' He didn't get it. ''Wha-what?'' ''I love you too, you dingbat.'' He was about to retort but she brought her mouth up to his teeth. And for once, he didn't complain.

_**Well I don't think dramatic stuff is my forte, but hopefully my next chapter will be funny :)**_


	18. The Social Network 2

_**Apologies to Mademise Morte - this is another chatroom chapter :P**_

_**Amara - Here's a third, I'm feeling genorous :)**_

_**Tariana - Let the Valduggery onslaught begin...:D**_

_**Enjoy!**_

**Skulduggery - MrBones**

**Valkyrie - Val**

**Tanith - Theswordlady**

**Ghastly - RightHookTailor**

**Fletcher - Oooohilovebutterflies**

**China - BeautifulBrains**

**Sanguine - Iownyou**

**Scapegrace - Killerqueen**

**Thrasher - Iluvvaurien **

**Leo - MyHeartGoesOn**

**MAGES FTW CHATROOM**

**Theswordlady has signed in**

**RightHookTailor has signed in**

**Theswordlady says **Heey Ghastlay!

**RightHookTailor says **Er hey

**Theswordlady says **Hows youuu?

**RightHookTailor says **Good, you?

**Theswordlady says **I'm a hornyyy bitch!

**RightHookTailor says **WTF?

**RightHookTailor says **Tanith are you drunk?

**Theswordlady says** noooo

**Val has just signed in**

**Val says **I just signed in and the first thing I see is a porn show -.-

**Theswordlady says **Don't worry I'm ok now i just got a bit excited

**Val says ***sniggers* I totally just perverted that

**RightHookTailor says **Why were you excited?

**Theswordlady says **Tom felton and brad pitt were at the same awards show imagine the combustion of awesomness that would happen if they met!

**RightHookTailor says **I just dont get your crush on them :L

**Val says **Jealousy *cough cough* jealousy

**Killerqueen has just signed in**

**MrBones has just signed in **

**MrBones says** Hello ladies I am single and ready to mingle

**Val says **OHMYGOSH MOST SCARRING THING EVER

**MrBones says **This isn't the Single and Deperate chatroom then?

**Theswordlady says **No.

**MrBones says **Well this is awkward.

**MrBones has signed out**

**RightHookTailor says **Ew

**Oooohilovebutterflies has signed in**

**Oooohilovebutterflies says **Aight homies?

**Val says **NO fletcher just no

**Theswordlady says **Vaurien u there? You're not saying much

**Killerqueen says **Soz guys talking to Thrasher in another chatroom :)

**RightHookTailor says **Sure that's what youre doing ;)

**MrBones has signed in**

**Val says **Oh so how was the Single and Desperate? You do realise that spells SAD

**Val says **Haha it does actually that's cool

**Oooohilovebutterflies says **You're cool all the time valkyrie :)

**Val says **Go home!

**MrBones says **Valkyrie I don't know what you are talking about

**MyHeartGoesOn has just signed in**

**MyHeartGoesOn says **Ready to carry on our converstion skul? ;) *takes off shirt*

**RightHookTailor says ***drool*

**MrBones says **Not right now Leo!

**Theswordlady says **LOL XD

**Killerqueen says **YUM! TAKE IT OFF TAKE IT OFF TAKE IT OFF

**RightHookTailor says **TAKE IT OFF TAKE IT OFF TAKE IT OFF

**MrBones says **Shut up guys he's MY friend. And anyway I can have any girl I want too! Back when I had a body, whoo, I had mad game with the bitches!

**Val says **...

**Theswordlady says **...

**Oooohilovebutterflies says **...

**RightHookTailor says **...

**Val says ***silence*

**MyHeartGoesOn says **ZOMG YOU CHEATER!

**MrBones says **No! I don't cheat!

**Killerqueen has just signed out**

**MyHeartGoesOn has just signed out**

**RightHookTailor says **Looks like you're not getting some tonight ;)

**MrBones says **I'm not getting any thanks to you!

**Theswordlady says **Ahahaha poor Skul :'D

**MrBones says **I'm going to go eat my weight in Chunkey Monkey ice cream now thanks for nothing guys :L

**RightHookTailor says **So people about this season's new nike air trainers

**Val says **Omnomnom!

**Theswordlady says **Yes! LOVE! :D

**Oooohilovebutterflies says **They are hawt!

**Val says **Fletcher you're not Paris Hilton

**Oooohilovebutterflies says **Well I'm her british best friend

**RightHookTailor says **Blonde bimbos and Paris Hilton aside I think the shoe lacks slightly in the lace department as they fray easily and are a less conservative green, though it is a great, well-made shoe.

**Theswordlady says **Seconded

**Val says **Thirded

**Oooohilovebutterflies says **Eighthted

**MrBones says **This is annoying me. I am signing out. Remember we're meeting at the Sanctuary at ten tomorrow for that American case Guild wants us on.

**MrBones has just signed out**

**RightHookTailor says **Great he's gone, so what are we going to get him for his birthday?

**Val says **I'm not sure...maybe a duck suit?

**Theswordlady says **Or the inception dvd, him and leo could watch it together ;)

**Val says **Total win! virtual five!

**Theswordlady says **Virtual five back!

**Oooohilovebutterflies says **We don't even know if skul remembers his bday

**RightHookTailor says **Of course he will, everyone does

**Oooohilovebutterflies says **I don't :(

**Val says **Aww Fletch its next month on the 16th, you can all come over to mine for it :3

**Oooohilovebutterflies says **How about any time I like? ;)

**Val says **I'm gonna stick with your birthday

**Oooohilovebutterflies says **Please?

**Val says **No.

**RightHookTailor says **Okay, so Tanith, you can get the dvd and and we'll give it to him next week

**Theswordlady says **Cool

**Val says **I want to go ice skating at the rink and it closes at eight so I'm gonna head off

**Oooohilovebutterflies says **I'll come with you

**Val says **No Fletcher you eh dont err have to do that

**Oooohilovebutterflies says **No no i like spending time with you I'll meet you there in 5 :D

**Oooohilovebutterflies has just signed off**

**Val says ***facepalm*

**Val says **I better go, he might put his skates on the wrong feet again :L see ya

**Val has just signed off**

**Theswordlady says** Well I feel like going out, wanna go join them?

**RightHookTailor says **Sure, we can go to dinner after :)

**Theswordlady says ***giggles* fine, pick me up whenever

**RightHookTailor says **I'll be the one with the scars ;)

**Theswordlady has just signed out**

**RightHookTailor has just signed out**

**EverybodyInLove Chatroom**

**Killerqueen says **I think we're alone now...

**Iluvvaurien says **There doesn't seem to be any one around ;D

**Single and Desperate Chatroom**

**MrIHateMyFriendsBones says **Well you seem charming, I haven't been this attracted to anyone like this since Leo! Are you sure we haven't met before?

**Crankybutcoolprofessor says **No...I'm sure we haven't...;)


	19. You Belong With Me: Taylor Swift

_**Big love out to all of you who reviewed! (Adrasdos, I've seen Inception too, I thought it was awesome :P) **_

_**Amara - Yeah, it probably does xD I could write a chapter where they go roller-blading and watch She's All That, Draco could come along with the Zefron poster, it'd be like a double date ;)**_

_**Paint Explosion - Thankyou :) Aww, I cried too! At both, several times :L Glee and SP are amazing :)**_

_**Tariana - Ahh thanks :)**_

_**Rubaline - I did, it so was ! :D Yeah, Being Human is amaze! I can't wait for the new season! Maybe I will, they could all meet up ;)**_

_**Blitz Destroyer - Thanks for your review, it was dead great :) Hope you like the story so far!**_

_**Juniper Flint - Thanks for your review, and Flaring Rhythm's a great writer :) **_

_**So this is just to give you guys something while I finish my two-parter, this is Fletcher's POV about Val and Caelan going out ;)**_

_**Vaelan sucks :L**_

**You're on the phone with your boyfriend he's upset**

**He's going off about something that Skulduggery said**

**He doesn't get his humour like we do**

I watched as Valkyrie hung up her mobile, gave a yell of frustration and stormed out of Ghastly's. I wanted to follow her, but Tanith shook her head. I had to sigh and sit down.

**I'm in my hotel room, it's a typical Tuesday night**

**I'm watching the kind of cartoon he doesn't like**

**And he'll never know Spongebob like I do**

That was right. Caelan didn't like Spongebob, and sponges rocked. Besides, his pineapple looked like my hair.

**But he wears Gucci, I wear hair gel**

**He's Head Vampire and I've trapped myself in a jail cell**

**Dreaming bout the day when you wake up and realise**

**That the most amazing hair is right in front of your eyes**

**If you see that I'm the one who fancies you**

**Been here all along, so why can't you see?**

**You belong with me**

I decided that I had to act. Something had to be done about Caelan, or he would steal Valkyrie and every modelling agency's heart!

**Laughing on a case about the people in your class**

**I can't help wondering if I could touch your ass**

**I almost use brain cells when I think**

**'Hey isn't this easy?'**

Come on, I had even managed to tie my laces that morning. That's how much I wanted to impress her.

**And you've got a magic ring that could blow up this whole town**

**I haven't seen it since when you brought that bad guy down**

**You say you're fine, I know you better than that**

**Now what you doing with that emo twat?**

I knew I would have to tell her soon. I just didn't know when - I had to get my timing right. Especially since I can't read my watch.

**But he wears Gucci, I wear hair gel**

**He's Head Vampire and I've trapped myself in a jail cell**

**Dreaming bout the day when you wake up and realise**

**That the most amazing hair is right in front of your eyes**

**If you see that I'm the one who fancies you**

**Been here all along, so why can't you see?**

**You belong with me**

I fiddled nervously with my tie as I waited for her at the entrance to the Sanctuary Ball. I had memorised all of Scapegrace's best chat-up lines he had used to snag Thrasher, every one written in his bestselling book. Valkyrie approached, but she walked right passed me and hugged Caelan with a weary expression on her face. I would have to do something huge to win her.

**Standing here watching you on the dancefloor**

**All the flirting and still you don't know**

**Valkyrie, you belong with me, the blonde god you have to see**

**Oh I remember teleporting to your house and we had that sleepover**

**I'm the one who makes you laugh unlike your nasty dead lover**

**And we stole Ghastly's high heels, you tried to teach me stuff that failed**

**Think I know where you belong and it's in the PM I mailed**

Slowly, I gave Ghastly a nod and the tailor passed him me a shopping bag as I left the room.

**Swooning as we talked about Kurt's eyes**

**Said you weren't hot well these were all lies**

**You're boyfriend is a douche, he's not as cool as me**

**And I've got hair gel bottles to prove that you see...**

I ran onto the floor in one of Caelan's Gucci skirts, picked Valkyrie up and kissed her full on the mouth in front of everyone. She shoved Caelan away and kissed me back as the whole room started cheering. Big up to Leo's credit card.

Caelan ran off crying to Dusk as some crappy Taylor Swift song about love started through the speakers. I snorted and turned it off and carried on making out with Valkyrie as Clarabelle tried to peer up my skirt. Booh yah.


	20. America: Razorlight

_**Here's a chapter where Skulduggery etc. move to America! No, just kidding, they run amock in LA ;) It's the day after the last chatroom chapter. Oh, and I thought I'd clue you in to the mental 13th chapter - the magic fish was called Briskly because at the start of the chapter before, Fletcher thought the word 'briskly' was a type of exotic fish, and the flight the fish saw the group on was the one to Paris where Val was drunk and met Fatboy Slim (see first chapter). Got that? Good :) **_

_**I didn't expect the Fletcher songfic to be popular, so your response was great!**_

_**Thankyou so much Tariana for our convos that helped me finish this chapter! I owe you big! :)**_

_**Eternal - Thanks for reviewing :) I didn't mean to insult emos, I've got emo friends, but Caelan is just a bit of an emo to me xD**_

_**Rubaline - Aw thankyou! Glee was really sad, I was crying too :(**_

_**PaintExplosion - Cheers xD**_

It was a beautiful morning (as beautiful as it could be with Ghastly wearing shorts) at the Irish Sanctuary. Guild was waiting behind his desk as Skulduggery, Valkyrie, Ghastly and Tanith walked in, the latter two carrying Fletcher. Guild raised his eyebrow. ''What has the bumble done this time?'' Tanith dumped him on the floor. ''He had too many slush puppies at the ice rink last night and passed out from brain freeze.'' Guild sniffed and motioned for them to sit down. ''It has come to my attention a large number of Irish mages have been disappearing on business trips to America in the past five months. I, er, launched an enquiry but the people that were investigating diappeared too. It seems I have no choice but to call in the five of you, if only in the hope that you will vanish next.''

Valkyrie and Tanith whooped and high-fived, and Ghastly grinned - they hadn't had a holiday for ages. ''This is not a vacation,'' warned the Grand Mage. ''If you are to engage in any recreational activities, they are only for the purpose of the mission. Got it?'' They all mumbled their yeses, as Valkyrie dreamt of swimming in the ocean, Tanith thought of sunbathing, Skulduggery was deciding which water park he'd go to first and Ghastly thought about how cute his new Manolo boots were.

''I have all the notes gathered on this case here,'' Guild said, passing over a folder. ''You'll want to look over these before deciding your next move. The plane tickets will be booked whenever you want them.'' Valkyrie looked up, confused. ''We're getting the plane? Why can't Fletcher take us, he's been to tons of places all over America.'' ''We want to remain inconspicuous, so you're heading there undercover. We don't want the person responsible for the disappearences to realise you're mages as soon as you step off the plane.'' They considered this. ''Are we flying first class?'' Skulduggery asked. ''Absolutley.'' '

'Then you've got yourself a deal.'' Skul took the folder of case notes from Guild and they left the office, dragging Fletcher by his hair.

As they left the Sanctuary Ghastly took the folder from Skulduggery and began to read it. ''It says here that the vampire community has been involved in this.'' The others looked at him. ''What?'' ''Yeah, the person sending the information was going to head back to Ireland to interrogate some vamps but vanished before she could.'' Tanith grinned. ''Good thing Valkyrie knows a particular vamp in Dublin very well...'' she trailed off suggestively. Valkyrie groaned as they climbed into Ghastly's van. ''Do I have to talk to Dusk?'' ''Not Dusk, you fang-banger! How much do you get around? We mean Caelan!''

''Ahhh. I can meet up with him tomorrow.'' ''Great, call him tonight. Oh look, Fletcher's coming round!'' The blonde on the floor moaned. ''Hey guys. How'd the meeting go?'' Valkyrie filled him in on the details. He beamed. ''We're going to America? Yayyyy!'' He started singing. ''All the kids in America, woahhh, all the kids in America, woahhh, all the kids in America go rou-'' ''Not now, Fletcher.''

Valkyrie tiptoed through the crowded resteraunt she had agreed to meet Caelan in. She wore four-inch wedges, her hair was Amy-Winehoused and she wore a bright red playsuit in an attempt to distract Caelan with sexiness. She looked like Sanguine in drag. Hot but kind of wrong. She made her way to Section D of the resteraunt and called ''Coo-ee! Caelan, er, dearest! I'm heeeere!''

Caelan leaped up from a table and she screamed. He wore a long dirty blonde wig, glasses that he had obviously borrowed off Scapegrace and a loose, flowy skirt thing. ''Vaaaalll!'' he greeted her by getting to the floor and kissing her knees. ''Caelan, get up. You're perverting me.'' He obliged and grinned dreamily at her as they sat down.

''What's wrong with your face, it's sort of smiling...''

''I am smiling, Valkyrie!''

''That's weird. The last time I saw you do that you had just murdered Fletcher's pet butterfly.'' ''I'm not like that now, Vaaall! I'm a changed man! I've got a girlfriend!''

''WHAT!'' She yelled. Just then Clarabelle appeared behind Caelan and kissed his shoulder. He grinned, tossed back his manky wig and kissed her. Valkyrie squirmed and squirted some lemon juice in her eyes to get rid of the sight. _Ah. Much better_. Clarabelle sat beside Caelan. ''Hello, Valkyrie. You're looking very chesty today.'' ''Yeah, thanks, Tanith leant me the playsuit. Um, since when have you guys been going out?''

Caelan answered. ''Oh, ever since we attended the same 'how not to be a loner' class. It was very informative, like.'' Clarabelle smiled fondly at him. ''I gave him a whole new look! So what was it you wanted to ask us, Valkyrie?'' She gulped. Better get this out sooner or later...''I'm on this new case about these mages going missing in America. Someone traced it to the vampire community here so I wanted to find out if Caelan knew anything.''

Caelan, who had been passing strawberries into Clarabelle's mouth from his own looked at her. ''Oh, that's nothing. One of our vampires went missing while visiting another coven there. We wanted to investigate but it was, like, too dangerous, yeah?'' Valkyrie couldn't believe he was telling her all this without her having to take her top off or kiss him or whatever stalkish things he liked. ''Where did they go missing?'' ''Californiaaaaa, like, you know, surfers and stuff? LA. Free love, man.'' Valkyrie excused herself, hurried outside and slid in the Bentley. ''LA,'' she gasped. ''The disappearences are in LA.'' Skulduggery nodded, looked at her bare legs, grinned, got a smack in the face and finally started the car.

Guild gave them a final brief as they stood outside Dublin International Airport in the pouring rain. He was telling his second-in-command Erskine Ravel the details. ''The mission shouldn't be that hard. The team'' - he nodded to Skulduggery, Val, Tanith, Ghastly, Fletcher and Leo - ''will be living in a normal hotel, searching the different neighbourhoods for clues as to where the mages were last. From then on it's a simple tracking process.'' They all murmured their agreements. Guild regarded them.

''Your plane boards in ten minutes, so I'll be quick. Take care, and be careful. We can't have our top detectives going missing. Also, as an added safety precaution, I have decided to assign two more detectives to your team.'' Skulduggery and Tanith groaned, but as the Grand Mage signalled behind him, they smiled as two teens stepped around him. Tariana Grace and Reia Kellyn grinned as they were hugged by Tanith and Valkyrie. ''Hey guys!''

After everyone had said hello Skulduggery checked his watch. ''Not to be rain on everybody's parade-''

''Too late.''

''But we should get on the plane now, it's started boarding.'' Everyone said goodbye to Guild, Ravel and Scapegrace who was sobbing as he waved them off with a white hankerchief. Tariana grabbed Ravel, gave him a giant kiss and released him with a wink. Valkyrie was sure she saw Ravel return the wink before Reia and Tariana whisked her off. Weird.

They got onto the plane without any difficulty apart from when Fletcher thought he had lost his Spongebob Squarepants toy and burst into tears, only to realise it was nestled in his hair. They all sat down in their seats - Skulduggery, Leo and Ghastly in the middle seats, with Tanith and Valkyrie, Tariana and Reia and Fletcher and his Spongebob all in the window seats. They all got settled down as the plane took off. Skulduggery simply sat back and started reading, but Leo and Ghastly were clutching each other screaming their heads off, Fletcher was singing I Will Survive, Tanith was yelling ''HOLY FREAKING BEARDED JESUS'', Valkyrie was trying not to be sick and Tariana and Reia were fantasizing over a picture of Chris Colfer. It was a promising start to the trip.

Twenty minutes into the journey and the snack trolley was making its way down the plane. Fletcher and Skulduggery saw the cokes on the trolley at the same time. Skulduggery looked at the evil grin on Fletcher's face as the blonde got out his seat. Skulduggery rose from his own seat as Fletcher started towards the trolley. He looked behind himself and noticed Skulduggery sprinting towards him. He yelled, handing over a five pound note and snatching a coke.

Skulduggery seemed to run in slow motion as he outstreched his hand. Valkyrie and the others also got up from their seats, terror on their faces as Skulduggery tried to prevent a diasaster. He yelled ''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO'' for the dramatic seconds as Fletcher tipped the coke into his mouth and swallowed.

''You did your best, Skul,'' Valkyrie said, patting the detective on the shoulder as Fletcher's pupils shrank then expanded to twice their size. The teenager whooped as he ran down the plane, screaming random lyrics to Starstrukk as he whacked random passengers over the head before yelling ''Voldemort out, bitches!'' and disappearing into the cockpit. The plane then was rocked violently up and down for several minutes before four paint-splattered guards carried a twitching Fletcher back to his seat. ''How did he manage to get a paintball gun?'' whispered Tariana. The others shrugged as Fletcher got beaten up by a woman screaming ''Devil child, devil child!'' None of them tried to help him.

An hour or so later, everyone had more or less settled down. Valkyrie, Tanith, Tariana and Reia were playing Truth or Dare and Fletcher and Skulduggery were sleeping. Ghastly and Leo were discussing new projects. ''I just LOVE my Glee role!'' grinned Ghastly, imagining the hot love triangle he was in with Mr Schue and Puck. Leo patted him on the shoulder. ''I know, you look ah-dorable in that cheerleading outfit!'' Ghastly blushed. ''So anyway, how are your things coming along? Titanic 2, isn't it?'' ''Oh yeah! The Return Of Jack - 'That bitch let go?' It's gonna be something big, I can feel it.'' Ghastly and him continued to chat and as Ghastly got up to go to the bathroom he bumped into an old man, spilling him over. He tried to help him up but the man glared at him. ''You bumbling Hagrid!'' he yelled.

Ghastly was shocked. ''Excuse me?''

''You heard me! Are you as deaf as you are bald?''

''WHAT did you say!''

''You're bald.''

Ghastly gasped. ''Well you're a grumpy Kenspeckleish fiend!''

''You're bald.''

Ghastly was getting upset, as he was very sensitive about his (lack of) hair. ''Shut up, Gandalf!''

''You sir, are extremely bald.''

Fletcher who had woken up and observed all of this high-fived the old man as he grinned. ''Wow! You're much cooler than Ghastly!'' The tailor sniffed and ran into the bathroom with a copy of Loafer Weekly. Skulduggery, who was bursting for the toilet, had the door shut in his face. ''Oh damn...'' he whispered, realising there was no other toilet on the plane. Meanwile Fletcher and the old guy were talking. ''Oh yes, Kenspeckle! How is that lovable rogue doing?'' Fletcher looked at him. ''You know Kenspeckle?'' ''Of course! He's my brother! Oh, the things I could tell you about him...'' Fletcher laughed evilly as Kenspeckle Mark 2 began talking about his brother's hatred of loud, annoying pop songs. Fletcher already had an idea of pushing his giant speakers into the Hibernian and playing Rude Boy full blast. _Epicness_, he thought, as Skulduggery was chased out of the ladies bathroom by several angry women.

The plane landed in Los Angeles International Airport at around early afternoon. Fletcher stopped in arrivals and looked around at all the different types of hair. ''We're the same...'' he murmured, reaching out for a guy's mohawk before Skulduggery wrestled him away.

They were dropped off at their hotel by a taxi, and Skulduggery paid the driver while the other seven got their bags out of the car. They made their way through the revolving hotel doors and stopped at reception. Ghastly checked them in. ''Ghastly Bespoke, Tanith Low, Valkyrie Cain, Fletcher Renn, Tariana Grace, Reia Kellyn, Skulduggery Pleasant and er...Jack Dawson.'' Leo grinned. ''It took me ages to come up with that name,'' he whispered. Reia rolled her eyes. ''Don't get too used to it Leo, it's only to make sure you're not besieged by screaming fangirls who know you're staying here.'' ''Screaming fangirls...'' Leo said, a dreamy expression on his face. ''Yeah...''

A bigger problem than Leonardo's pervertedness soon came up - they had forgotten to take any money with them and had no clue how they were supposed to buy stuff. Nobody knew what to do. Suddenly Tanith jumped up from her chair in her and Val's room where they all were lounging. ''I know! We can sell Ghastly's shoes! They're dead expensive, so they'll be worth a mint!'' Ghastly pushed her over.

''We are NOT selling my shoes!''

''But-''

''No.''

Then Fletcher had another of his nutty brainwaves. ''We should sing for money!'' he exclaimed. They stared at him. ''What do you mean?'' ''I mean we could go onto the street or whatever and sing songs, and people will give us money!'' Skulduggery looked at Val and she shrugged. He sighed. ''Well, it's worth a try.''

Two hours later (as Ghastly had insisted on dressing them all up to look the part of 'attractive hobos') the gang stood a few streets down from their hotel. Ghastly, Skulduggery, Leo and Fletcher wore baggy jeans and tight V-neck t-shirts, Valkyrie and Tanith wore denim shorrts and crop tops, and Reia and Tariana wore skirts, converse and Chris Colfer shirts. They all topped the look off with sunglasses.

Fletcher had wept with joy when he looked in the mirror about how 'I finally look like I'm from the ghetto'. So basically they looked really cool. Tanith plugged her iPod into her portable speakers and the music to Love Takes Over began playing. She started singing exactly on-key as the others moved behind her, Skulduggery executing a truly amazing breakdance that only ended when he spun on his head too fast and his baggy jeans came down. Slowly, people began tipping them money.

At the end of their three-hour public jam, they were all knackered. They had worked their way through most of Tanith's playlist, including Time Is Running Out (Ghastly, Skul and Valkyrie), Only Girl In The World (Val, Tanith, Tariana, Reia and Fletcher), the Goofy Goober song (Fletcher's favourite), I Want To Hold Your Hand (Tariana and Reia) and Na Na Na, which they all sang. Tanith picked up Skulduggery's hat and began counting the money in it. She gasped. ''Three dollars fifty! We work our asses off and get three dollars fifty?'' They all groaned and began complaining. Only Fletcher was silent. They needed money for souveniers, and for food and water and all that crap, and they couldn't survive on just three dollars. He would have to do something. As they all argued about what they should do, Valkyrie heard singing and clapping a few feet away.

She turned round. Half the street were cheering and clapping at Fletcher who was singing the webuyanycar song and doing the dance to match. He was even adding his own lyrics to keep the song going. Valkyrie didn't know if the line 'I'll buy any spongebob' were actually in it but she didn't care - everybody was loving it. After he had finished and bowed to deafening applause, he ran back to the others who were looking at him with disbelief. He held out his hands, which were stuffed full of dollar bills. They looked at him in shock.

That night in Pizza Hut they all discussed what they should do next. Skulduggery laid a street plan of LA out across the table. He circled a big building. ''That's our hotel,'' he said. ''We can base ourselves here. Tomorrow I think we should all start searching the downtown LA area around here.'' He drew a ring around an area on the map. ''The case notes we have on this have lead me to believe that the disappearances are most common here, so this is where we'll base our search.'' The others nodded as their pizzas arrived. Tariana was the first to speak.

''Downtown's great, but what're we going up against? I mean, if it's captured this many mages it must be pretty badass.'' Skulduggery nodded. '

'Yeah, that's why we'll be splitting into two teams. I will naturally be the first team's leader, and Tanith, Leo and Fletcher will be with me. Val, you'll lead the second team and Ghastly, Tariana and Reia will be with you.'' Valkyrie nodded as Skulduggery finished up. ''Now I don't know what we'll be possibly fighting, but it won't be able to beat us. We're the best in Ireland. Not to give yourselves untrue senses about your own importance, that's usually reserved for me, but we are the best. Eight of us against whatever or whoever it is will be more than enough.'' They all grinned and started talking among themselves, and after they finished Ghastly yawned.

''Well, I'm beat,'' he yawned.

''I think I'm going to just head back to the hotel. 'Night.'' Leo headed back with him (Tariana and Reia giggled) and the others followed after a walk around the 'hood (as Fletcher had said).

In the hotel, Tanith couldn't sleep. It was about eleven, which was still pretty early because they didn't have any particular time they needed to get up at. ''Valkyrie,'' the blonde whispered. ''You awake?''

''No.''

She laughed and sat up. ''I can't get to sleep.'' '

'Me neither. What you wanna do?'' Tanith rolled out of bed. ''Let's go see Reia and Tariana.'' The two girls tip-toed across the silent corridor to the other's room. Valkyrie opened the door and was met with a wall of sound. There was a scene of total devastation in front of her eyes. The floor was covered in clothes, CD cases, makeup, magazines and pick 'n' mix cartons. A rock song blasted from somewhere, Cory Monteith was tied up and gagged on the floor and Reia and Tariana were painting each other's nails with black nail varnish. They looked up as Val and Tanith entered and grinned. ''Uh, guys?'' Valkyrie asked, walking over to them, ''Why is Cory Monteith on the floor?'' Reia laughed. ''We snuck over to Chris's house party a couple hours ago and we thought we kidnapped him, but it was only Cory.''

She rolled her eyes at the tall dark-haired guy Tanith was eyeing up. Tariana continued. ''So now we're thinking of ransoming him to the Glee producers for total access of Chris's dressing room.''

Valkyrie nodded at this and started flicking the TV remote. She stopped it on the MTV channel, exclaiming ''I love this song!'' as Paramore started playing. ''WELL SHE LIVES IN A FAIRYTALE SOMEWHERE TOO FAR FOR US TO FIND!'' They yelled, dancing around the room. The night went on, and they were all slightly hammered when Skulduggery and Fletcher entered their room. ''Skulleh!'' Valkyrie screamed. ''Fletchaaa! Get yo' asses over here, we're doing makeovers!'' The guy and Teleporter sat down.

''So why're you here?'' the less-drunk Tariana asked. Skulduggery who was clutching a pillow answered, a terrified expression on his face. ''I don't even want to talk about it...Leo came into Ghastly and mine's room and they...they...'' He trailed off, shuddering. Fletcher stared at Tariana with a frightened expression. ''The noises...they were so horrible...'' He began crying into Tariana's shirt as she patted him on the back awkwardly. Soon they were all totally drunk, Tanith and Cory were singing, using their vodka bottles as microphones, Skulduggery was flirting with Valkyrie who was tickling him and Reia and Tariana were killing themselves laughing by watching Fletcher die a little inside every time they threw a tube of hair gel to each other over his head.

It was a great night that only ended when Tanith hung upside down from the top of the hotel with a megaphone screaming ''I AM GOD, BOW TO YOUR LEADER'' over and over. When they were all back in their own beds (well, Val and Tanith were in Tariana and Reia's huge king-sized bed) and almost asleep, Tariana jerked upright suddenly. ''Oh shit!'' she yelled. ''What?'' ''I gave Skulduggery some LSD pills! I thought they were aspirin!''

They all screamed, just as a cackling skeleton flew past their window in a hanglider, trailing confetti behind him. ''We'll never get him down now,'' sighed Valkyrie, as Skul disappeared into the distance. Reia shrugged. ''Anyone for poking Ghastly's shoes with a stick and running away when he tries to kill us?'' ''Hell yeah!'' grinned Tanith and they left the room, leaving Cory under the bed to try and scrub pink lipgloss off his face.

Five minutes later, roars of laughter and screams of ''My babies!'' were heard echoing down the corridor. Everything was back to normal.

_**I don't know how that was. I hope the next chapter will be better...I just couldn't get anything done on this! :L**_

_**So in the next chapter - this is the first of a double chapter- they're gonna catch whoever's behind the disappearences. Or are they...? Just kidding, I don't have the energy to write a three chapter thingy xD**_

_**Before I finish, I have to say a big thankyou to all my loyal reviewers out there, all your comments make me smile so much :)**_

_**Amara, your last review about the double date thing was amazing, I'm gonna have to write at least one chapter about that! I'm really sorry you weren't in this chapter, but you'll be in the next one, I promise! Oooh and Inception and Titanic are like, two of my top films as well! High five!**_

_**I think I'll do another of these cases-abroad things but with Fatboy Slim in Paris...what do you guys think?**_


	21. America: Razorlight Part 2

_**Tariana - Aw, thanks! :3 Did I do your character alright?**_

_**Amara - Honey, he'd be like 18! He'd be epically hot again! YAY! Except he would be mine. I would marry him in fanfic and real life, totally :) This is set before the wedding party, so she and Bliss haven't met yet ;) Yep, Leo's part of the team, I'm gonna write the chapter where he first met them soon xD Thanks, Ghastly could have a cameo role! Fletche is probably Voldemort's son...I'd kiss Umbridge to see it! Hope you like your character here!**_

_**Rubaline - Thankyou so much for your review, you've given me a great idea! xD xD I hope your exams went well! All the characters could meet up on a case, Mitchell and Fletch could become like bezzies! Awcchh this story loves you too! xD**_

_**Mademise - Aw, thanks :) I don't know, I just thought of some big actor that everyone would know...The song was You Belong With Me by Tailor Swift. I do apologize for the amount o randomness...That's the way I was taught to spell it, no idea if it's right then xD**_

_**Here's part 2! Enjoy! **_

After they had finally got Skulduggery down from the hanglider with promises of cheese and sugar lumps, they headed to breakfast. Everyone was either tired or hungover apart from Tariana and Reia who were giggling like mad and skipping down the hallway. After breakfast where Ghastly had had another run-in with Kenspeckle's bro that was staying in their hotel, they got changed into their work clothes (or 'kick-ass Matrix threads' as Fletcher liked to call them). They had decided to split up into their teams after they got off the bus at a downtown stop. Val walked down the streets, checking for signs of magic with the special dust Skulduggery had given her. The others were spaced out along the street, doing the same thing. After about an hour Ghastly called to the others ''Guys? I've got something!'' Valkyrie, Tariana and Reia jogged over. The dust Ghastly had scattered indicated that magic had been used in the area recently. Valkyrie looked at the others. ''It's pointing down that alley. Let's go.'' They turned off the main street they were on and walked down the dingy alley. The signs of magic were getting stronger and stronger until it stopped at a crossroads, leading off two different ways. Valkyrie stopped and bit her lip as she decided what to do. She read the air and inaudibly gasped as she felt something on the roof. Something big. She gestured to the others, who ranged themselves out beside her. Reia took out her sword and Tariana and Ghastly took combative stances. Val nodded. ''On the count of three,'' she whispered. ''One...two...''

Something suddenly shifted above her and she found herself pinned to the ground by a heavy force. ''I got the beast! I got the beast!'' yelled an obnoxious blonde voice from above her. ''FLETCHER, YOU DUMBASS!'' She yelled, throwing him off her. Skulduggery, Tanith and Leo who were on top of the roof jumped down. ''So you ended up here too?'' Tanith said. They nodded. ''This is where our trail lead, then it just went off into nothing.'' Leo looked around. ''There's nothing else here. Just some manky old boxes and-ooh..what's this?'' He held up a toy ship, 'aaahhed' at it then stroked it, proclaiming it to be his new best friend. Skulduggery, who wasn't wearing a facade today, couldn't roll his eyes, so he settled with rolling his head before scanning the area. ''If you look closely, nothing is ever what it seems.'' Fletcher started singing the Wizards of Waverley Place theme tune but was kicked by Tanith so he shut up. Skulduggery walked up to a random section of wall and studied it. ''ZOMG,'' Reia shrieked, ''It's Diagon Alley!'' Tariana hit her arm just as Skulduggery pushed in a brick. As soon as he did that, the small manky shack against another wall beside them sunk into the ground, leaving a large tunnel behind it. They looked at it in shock. Something moved at the end of it. Tanith stepped forward, sword already raised and ready. Something moved closer. Ghastly jumped into Leo's arms, Scooby-Doo style. Then the Something took a step forward into the light. Valkyrie had an impression of tallness, a long gingerish beard and a shift dress not unlike one Ghastly owned. She looked up into the face pretty high above her own and gasped. The thing - a male, Valkyrie was guessing - only had one eye, right in the center of its forehead. It took another step forward, then pouted. ''Weeell, look what we have here!'' The gang looked at him. He pushed his long hair back and stared at the closest to him, Tanith and Ghastly. ''Ooooh,'' he winked. ''The two of you are cute!'' Tanith and Ghastly giggled and blushed. ''What _is _it?'' Valkyrie hissed to Skulduggery, who was standing beside her, frozen in horror. He turned to her. ''It's...it's...'' He shook. ''It's the Biclops.''

Valkyie raised her eyebrows, but he didn't offer any further inormation. The Biclops sidled up to them. ''Who are you?'' He said in a breathy voice. ''Why did you open my cave?'' Fletcher walked over to him. ''Excuse me, thing? Yeah, here. Well, we're a group of detectives from the Irish Sanctuary and we wanna find out about tons of disappearences in this area. Skul - the skellydude back there - did some mojo thing and your cave opened.'' The Biclops grinned. ''Wonderful! I've not had friends over in, like, FOREVAH!'' Tariana looked at him sceptically. ''That's kind of sad. But you live in this area, can you tell us anything about the disappearences?'' ''Dahling, I know everyone! I'm a member of the magical community! So come on, join me!'' They looked at each other. It was a good lead, but something just didn't feel right. The Biclops posed with a hand on his hip. ''Well are you coming or not? I have drinks you know!'' Everyone perked up and the Biclops grinned. ''Last one to the hot tub is Erskine Ravel's bitch!'' They all shrieked and ran into the cavey place behind the Biclops. Tariana was last, but she didn't care, for obvious reasons.

The hot tub was steamy and soon they were all in swimming costumes and trunks Fletcher had in his bag. The Biclops ushered them into the opulent hot tub room. He winked at them all, then threw his arms open and proclaimed ''IT'S SEXY TIME!'' Fletcher began singing ''Peanut butter sexeh time, peanut butter sexeh time,'' while doing the hula. Skulduggery shoved him into the hot tub and they all followed, yelling and laughing as they splashed about. When they were settled down, the Biclops casually placed his arms round Ghastly and Tanith's shoulders. ''So guys...what's this case about?'' They all filled him in on the details and he nodded and ''Mmmhmmed'' in all the right places as he painted Tanith's nails. They were soon finished and his hands flew to his heart. ''Ehmahgawsh!'' He exclaimed. ''You've been through so much! Honies, my heart just bleeds for you!'' They all smiled and continued puffing on their cigars. The talk subsided into casual chatter. The Biclops, Tanith and Ghastly were talking about the disappearences. ''It's really weird though,'' the tousled-haired blonde was saying. ''I can't believe this amount of mages could vanish! Whoever took them must've been pretty charming.'' ''Charming...'' the Biclops mused, ''Yes...'' Ghastly and Tanith made eye contact suddenly, all the pieces falling into place. ''What do you want?'' Ghastly asked. The Biclops looked shifty. ''I just...er...I just want friends...yeah. I get lonely and that's why I invited you in, and...yeah...'' Tanith looked at him. ''Are you responsible for the disappearences?'' There was silence. Ghastly and Tanith's eyes widened. ''You mean...you...you...kiled them?'' The Biclops giggled. ''No, I just had my way with them...''

Ghastly gulped. ''You had your...way with them?'' Biclops nodded naughtily. ''And now I shall have my way with the two of you!'' ''This guy's even more desperate than me,'' Skulduggery muttered. Valkyrie looked at him. He puffed away on his cigar innocently. Ghastly yelled at them. ''Guys! It's him! Biclops is the one behind all the evil wrongdoings! He did them all to death!'' Everybody screamed and Tariana sobbed ''I don't want my life to be ended by a ginger!'' The Biclops got out of the tub and grabbed a pair of tiny red polka-dot bikinis. He waved them around. ''Ghastly, Tanith, my friends! Wouldn't you be ahmahzing and put these on for me?'' He advanced, a bikini in each hand. Tanith backed up because there wasn't much high-kicking and flipping you could do in a hot tub. Ghastly shrieked ''Noooooooo!''

Valkyrie thought he was finally embracing his manliness by the way he was yelling at the bikini, but then he yelled ''Don't make me wear that! Please! It's so last season!'' Slowly, the one-eyed Thing approached. They all gasped as he reached out with his long hands to grab at them, but then there was a _thunk _sound, his eyes rolled back in his head and he collapsed. They all gasped and looked behind him to where Amara Calla stood holding a long red-coloured sweet. ''Redvines!'' she grinned. ''What the hell can't they do?'' They all cheered and scrambled out the hot tub. Tanith hugged her. ''How did you know where we were? Why're you even here?'' Amara sat down and crossed her legs, showing off the cool fishnet tights she wore. ''I was assigned to this case by the English Sanctuary, a few English mages had disappeared so they wanted me to come over here and check it out. I tracked a trail to here, and that's when I saw the cyclops thing-'' ''Biclops.'' ''That explains a lot. Well, I saw it leaning over you guys so I hit it over the head with my redvine.''

Skulduggery thanked her as they all pulled on their clothes over their swimming stuff. They were all too busy talking that they didn't notice the Biclops rising above them. Fletcher saw it first. ''Oh dear Colfer,'' he whimpered. ''Don't take the Lord's name in vain,'' snapped Tariana, but then she too saw the Biclops and swore. ''Oh sweet Monteith.'' ''Holy Schuester!'' Reia chimed in. Biclops looked at them, flexed his muscles, strode towards him and started messing up Tanith's hair. She stared at him. ''That's really gonna hurt me?'' The others laughed, apart from Fletcher who screamed ''Tanith! Ohmygosh! Are you alright? How's your hair?'' Biclops smirked. ''Nooooo. But this is.'' He smacked Tanith across the room. ''That's it!'' shouted Valkyrie. ''Nobody touches my best friend! You're going down!'' Biclops frowned. ''What's that mean?'' Ghastly patted the brunette on the back and yelled. ''BITCHFIGHT!'' The Biclops nodded. ''Yeah, I understand_ that_.'' The others launched themselves at him.

Skulduggery quickly launched an attack, throwing volleys of fireballs at him. Ghastly and Valkyrie joined him, and Amara, Tariana and Reia jumped and ducked around him, landing shots. But the Biclops was good. Even when he reached into his bag to re-apply a fresh coat of lipgloss, he could hold them off. They were losing ground. Skulduggery suddenly screamed as his left leg was torn off. Leo huddled in the corner, clutching his toy ship and watching the fight. He heard Skulduggery scream and remembered lying there in that freezing water, slowly dying. ''Not this time!'' he exclaimed. He ran in a quite fit way over to the Biclops and waited for the right moment. As the giant turned round, Leo took aim with his ship and sent it flying towards him. It struck Biclops in the center of his head, and for the second time that day, the Biclops sank to the ground unconscious. Everyone turned around and looked at Leo. He fidgeted and grinned cutely. Amara sighed and stared at him lovingly while Reia swooned slightly. Soon, Tanith was back on her feet, the Biclops was tied up and the Californian Sanctuary had been notified and were coming to take it back to their Gaol. The gang left the cave/lair/dark hole thing arm in arm, Leo walking awkwardly as he was carrying Amara and had Reia on his shoulders playing with his hair, occasionally cuddling it. Skulduggery stopped and looked at the others. ''You know what we should do, guys?'' They shook their heads. Skulduggery adjusted his hat. ''Party.''

''AWWWWOOOOO! PUT YOUR LIGHTSABERS IN THE AIR! AND WAVE 'EM LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE!'' Fletcher was _hammered_. He had joined a group of total Star Wars nerds and had somehow become their leader, conducting their chants. He didn't mind. He was cool now. Across the dancefloor Anton Shudder who had randomly turned up was doing the macarena with Skulduggery. ''Hey, Anton!'' shouted Skul over the noise as they shook their hips round to the song.''Yeah?'' ''I want you to do something for me!'' ''What?'' ''Ask Valkyrie out on my behalf!'' ''Like seriously ask her out?'' ''Yeah!'' ''Whoo! Get in there my son!'' They slapped high fives. ''Why?'' ''I don't know, I just feel like it's the right time!'' Shudder nodded. ''Cool. Give me five minutes.'' Shudder left the dancefloor to where Valkyrie was sitting laughing with Amara, Tariana and Reia. ''Hey, Valkyrie?'' She smiled. ''Hey, Anton. How're you?'' He grinned. ''I'm awesome as usual. Valkyrie, I have to ask you something.'' She straightened up. ''What?'' ''Skulduggery asked me to ask you out.'' She stared at him. ''WHAT?'' Anton kicked a chair casually. ''Yeah. No joke or anything.'' She grinned even bigger than before. ''Alright then, tell him yes.'' He nodded, happy for his mate. ''I'll go tell him. And have you seen Tanith? Ghastly wanted to see her earlier.'' She shook her head. ''I haven't seen her for a while.'' He nodded, winked at Amara and went back to Skulduggery.

*several miles away*

Tanith knocked on the door of the huge house several times, bouncing on the balls of her feet in a very hyper way. Brad Pitt opened the door and eyed her warily. ''Oh. It's you again.''

Back at the club, Valkyrie was sitting on Skulduggery's lap as the other three girls attempted to do the moonwalk with Fletcher. Valkyrie said ''I'm just gonna get something to drink'', smiled at Skulduggery and walked towards the bar. The detective turned to Shudder. ''Thanks, Anton, this means a lot to me. You're a great person, you know that?'' He could tell Anton was uncomfortable. He was never the kind of guy who expressed his feelings easily. ''Shut the hell up, Skulessa. As if I wasn't gonna do it. Shuddersaurus never goes back on his word.'' But then he lifted his hand up and they bumped fists amicably. Skulduggery grinned. For a horny douche, Anton could be an amazing friend sometimes.

Valkyrie made her way back with her coke at the same time Fletcher arrived at their table. ''Guess what?'' he gasped. ''Something amazing's happened!'' Valkyrie raised her eyebrows. ''You've mastered the use of three-syllable words, congratulations.'' He shook his head. ''No! Better than that! I'm going out with Lady Gaga!'' Skul, Valkyrie and Shudder stared at him. Anton frowned. ''What the hell, Fletcher?'' The Teleporter beamed. ''It's true, look!'' he pointed to where the singer was staring at him, cracking a whip as she marched towards him. ''Alejandro, Alej-alej-andro,'' she sang as she began to drag Fletcher back to her GaGaMobile. ''Stop, please!'' Fletcher sang back, a panicked look on his face now kicking in as he realised what he was getting himself in for. ''Just let me go! Alejandro, just let me go!'' He disappeared. A new song came on the speakers. Skulduggery asked Val to dance, and promptly everyone forgot about Fletcher.

Two days after that, Skulduggery, Leo and Celine Dion were chilling out in their hotel. Celine had checked in a day ago and since she was friends with Leo, she had agreed to teach Skul to sing. He wailed the high notes as she then Leo joined in with 'interpretive hand movements' that involved him pulling weird dramatic poses that made him look like a bit of a prat. ''NEAARR, FARR, WHEREVER YOU AREEE, YOU KNOW THAT MY HEART WILL GO OONNNN...'' After their practice Celine surprised Skulduggery and Leo. ''Great news, guys!'' she announced. ''I've managed to fit you two into my performance tonight!'' Skulduggery gasped. He would be singing in front of everyone in one of LA's best concert houses! His lifelong secret ambition...finally coming true...

That night, Skulduggery and Leonardo got ready together. Skulduggery straightened his tux. ''How do you feel, Leo?'' The hot blonde shrugged. ''I feel a bit excited, that's all. You?'' When Skulduggery didn't reply he laughed gently. ''I get that you're feeling nervous. I felt the same before my first public performance.'' ''You did?'' ''Hell no. I'm too awesome. But my point is, you're Skulduggery Pleasant, and I'm Leonardo DiCaprio, and we're just about the coolest guys on Earth.'' Skulduggery grinned and slapped the actor on the back. ''Thanks, Leo.'' ''Anytime.'' He winked at Skul. ''I mean it. _Anytime_. Now come on!'' He pulled Skulduggery as they raced down the hallway onto the main building. One of the stagehands approached. ''Ready, gentlemen?'' They nodded and as soon as he told them to go they raced onstage ans Skulduggery yelled ''Hello, Los Angles!'' No-one answered. Celine was singing on her own to an empty auditorium. ''What the heck?'' Skulduggery exclaimed.

Celine turned as she finished her song. ''Hey guys,'' she said sadly. Leo walked up to her. ''Why isn't anybody here? This was a sell-out show!'' She nodded. ''It was, but just before it started something happened a few blocks down. Some act was performing. Must be a pretty big celebrity.'' Skul was furious. ''Who do they think they are?'' He fumed. ''Let's go see how great this person really is.'' They walked out of the concert house, heading in the direction the sound of thudding music and wild cheers were coming from. The three of them turned the corner and were met with a horrible sight. Hundreds of people were clapping along to the music of Boom Boom Pow as Fletcher danced around singing the song, occasionally high-kicking. Skulduggery looked at him, feeling like he was about to cry.

Val, Tanith, Ghastly, Reia, Tariana, Amara and Shudder were in the hotel lounge when Skul and Leo came in. Skulduggery threw himself down on the sofa face first, not saying a word. They looked at him. Tanith sighed. ''That bad, huh?''

_**I'm sorry, that wan't too good either...the next chapters will be better, promise!**_

_**Now I'm thinking of writing a story seperate from this, about Carol and Crystal discovering magic and becoming totally badass. Do you think I should start it? Please give me your thoughts! Thanks again for reading!**_


	22. Worried About Ray: The Hoosiers

_**Here is a chapter I have put off writing for weeks. I thought of it ages ago and it should have been chapter 10 or something, but all the other chapter ideas kind of took over...and as a heads-up I'll be editing and re-posting my chapters to correct any typos, so if you've got me on any of your story or author alert lists and I keep coming up, you'll know why. :)**_

_**Thanks for the reviews and Amara (I seriously love your reviews, they're amazing!) I've decided that Leo is his young yummy Titanic-type self xD And of course we'll share, there's plenty of Leo to go around!**_

_**I apologize for the stealing of Harry Potter Puppet Pals material, I hate stealing stuff off people...so yeah, that belongs to Neil Ciceriga.**_

Fletcher was a happy bunny. He skipped over the grass of Gordon's estate and climbed up the ladder. He stood on his tip-toes as he tried to put up the Christmas lights. He remembered his conversation with Valkyrie the day before...

''Hi Valkyrie!''

''Hey Fletcher.''

''Val, I was thinking...''

''That's a new one.''

''I was thinking that we should brighten Gordon's manor up. You know, with lights and decorations and stuff?''

''You mean like...Christmas decorations?''

''Yeah!''

''Fletcher, it's the middle of June.''

''So?''

He thought over all this fondly as he perched the beaming snowman at a jaunty angle on the roof. The red lights were the next up, then the hot pink and blue. Almost the whole of the Gordon's roof and the top floor was wrapped in the lights and Christmas decorations, ready to give the gang a surprise when they came back from the Sanctuary. Fletcher scrambled onto the roof with the last decoration, a huge golden star, in his hands, he had decided not to Teleport as he would probabaly miss his landing spot and fall off the roof. Fletcher began to climb the chimney. He perched on the top and looked up at the dark sky. He grinned as he tried to strech up and fasten the star to the top of the house. He was SO totally like Santa right now. He streched just a little further...just a little further...suddenly he slipped on a vodka bottle Skulduggery had sneakily stashed there and fell off the chimney. Everything went dark.

''Ughugughugherrrr...'' Fletcher moaned as his eyes flickered open. He was in the living room at Gordon's. Valkyrie and Tanith stood over him. ''Ish I in Heaven?'' He slurred. ''It's sooo pretty up here...'' Valkyrie rolled her eyes. ''No, Fletcher you're still down here. Please don't say you think you're Jesus AGAIN.'' Fletcher sat up, all groginess gone. ''Of course not Miss Valkyrie, that would be completely ridiculous and idiotic, not to mention impossible.'' They looked at him, impressed. ''Wow, Fletcher. There was more syllables in that sentence than I've ever heard you say before.'' Fletcher sat up. ''Ow. My cranium's pain threshold seems to be lower than usual.'' Valkyrie called Skulduggery over. ''Skul? Can you come here?'' The skeleton walked over. ''Yes?'' ''Fletcher's using big words.'' Skul bent down. ''Fletcher, what's 64.5 multiplied by 83.68?'' His answer was almost immediate. ''Five thousand, three hundred and ninety-seven point three six.'' Valkyrie picked up a calculator. ''Is it right?'' asked Tanith. Valkyrie nodded in awe. Skulduggery cocked his head to the side. ''It seems Fletcher has strangely become clever. That bump on his head must've done him some good.'' Fletcher looked thoughtful for the first time. ''The name Fletcher displeases me. It isn't nearly intellectual enough to suit me. From now on...I shall be called Ray.'' And with that he stood up, picked Paradise Lost off of a nearby bookshelf and began to read it. Nobody spoke.

Two days after that Valkyrie was waiting at the bus stop behind her schoolmates, where Fletcher-_Ray_, she corrected herself, always met her. Someone called her given name, either a mortal or a friend who knew they were around people that called her that. ''Stephanie!'' She turned and gasped. Fletcher was walking towards her, his hair flat on his head, not a trace of gel in it. It was such a bizarre sight she fell backwards and squashed a small midget child standing behind her. ''Fle-RAY! Your hair...it's normal!'' He smiled. ''Indeed it is, the things I was putting in it would cause a grown man to weep.'' ''Um...alright...wanna get on the bus?'' Everyone slapped him high-fives as they climbed the bus stairs to the second level, probably because he didn't look like a prat anymore. Their first lesson at school was English, and he made their teacher weep with joy as he quoted Shakespeare as if he knew it by heart. And he probably did. After lunch, Val and Fletcher walked into chemistry. He seemed to have become insanely popular, not just because of his let-down hair, but his witty and cutting comments, and for the first time ever he didn't claim to his French teacher that the only language he knew was ghetto-ese.

They settled down as their teacher ran through revision for their upcoming test and the importance of them in university admissions. Fletcher wasn't paying any attention, too busy commiting the Periodic Table to memory. Valkyrie nudged his side as the teacher turned to him. ''Are you thinking of attending university, Mr Renn?'' Fletcher looked up and bit his lip. ''Yes, but I don't know whether I'd be smart or rich enough to get in.'' The school bully and self-appointed 'tough guy' Aidan Stewart snorted. ''You definitely aren't good-looking enough.'' Fletcher twisted round in his seat to stare cooly at him. ''Well thank God they don't base admittance on looks or you wouldn't get in anywhere.'' There was silence before someone yelled ''BURN!'' It was official. Fletcher was cool.

Skulduggery and Tanith met them outside the school, as they were all walking to Ghastly's, who was feeling alone since Leo was away filming Titanic 2. As they crossed the deserted park an annoying Texan drawl sounded behind them. ''Well, aren't ya'll a sight for sore eyes!'' Fletcher scowled. ''Mr Sanguine, you don't have any.'' The hitman looked surprised. ''Well, the boy noticed somethin'. Ain't that a first.'' ''I whole-heartedly agree, Sanguine, but let's get down to business. If I'm going to beat you up, I don't want it to last all day.'' Sanguine chuckled. ''Easy there, bones. I've got a few friends that want some fun too.'' He gestured and slowly, zombies slunk from the trees around them. Skulduggery swore. ''There's no need for that kind of language, it's most uncouth and not that becoming on you, Skulduggery.'' ''SHUT UP RAY!''

''So he's a prude now?'' Sanguine asked, scratching his head. ''And what's with the 'Ray', does that mean he's a gay prude?'' ''Your second name's Ray.'' ''Every day I try to forget that.'' The zombies shuffled forward. Skulduggery launched himself at Sanguine and they met head-on. Valkyrie and Tanith were doing fine against the zombies and Fletcher was actually fighting amazingly well. But for once it seemed Sanguine had the upper hand. He slammed Skulduggery against the tree (_oo-er _thought Fletcher who was watching them) and had his blade angled to shove into the detective's skull. Fletcher quickly shoved the zombies away, ran over to Sanguine and pushed him away from Skulduggery. ''Leave him alone!'' He yelled. Tanith and Valkyrie who had finished beating up the zombies started laughing their heads off as Skulduggery was humiliated above all else. Fletcher Renn saved him. Ew. Meanwhile, Fletcher had grabbed Sanguine's arm, forcing it behind his back and kicked him over. Sanguine came up but Fletcher hit him and did a clever twist that forced Sanguine down. He slammed an awesome right hook into the Texan's face and he collapsed. Fletcher licked his finger, put in on his hip and hissed ''Tssss.'' He turned around to find Skulduggery on a huff on the ground, upset that someone was a better fighter than him, and Valkyrie and Tanith sttaring dreamily into his eyes.

''-and then Fletcher was like 'powww' right into Sanguine's face!'' Tanith was telling Ghastly. Fletcher was sat in the chair beside them watching the Natural Geographic channel and Valkyrie and Skul were in the kitchen. He leaned closer to Valkyrie across the table. ''I'm starting to get worried about Ray.'' Valkyrie raised her eyebrows. ''How so?'' ''Well, haven't you noticed he's acting a bit...different?'' ''Yeah...'' Valkyrie sighed, stroking the 'Teleporter and Proud' tshirt she found in Fletcher's hotel room, forgetting that she once wrote 'kick me' on the back. Skulduggery gasped. This was even more serious than he thought...what could he do about it...

Skulduggery went into a trance where he flew at Fletcher in the same scenario as in 'The Vortex'. ''I'm Skulduggery Pleasant! I'm top dog around here! Nobody can have more testosterone than me! You know why?'' He started singing.

''My name is Skully Pleasant, I'm the the king of the Sanctuary, I'm better than everyone in the Sanctuary, I'm hip and I'm awesome all the bad guys know my name, s-s-Skully-p-p-p-p that is my name, Skully P...Skully P...Do the shoobydoowop!''

Valkyrie, Ghastly, Tanith and Scapegrace started singing in the background ''Shoobydoowop, shoobydowop...'' Skulduggery strode about, loving his awesomeness. ''I defeated Serpine, when I was a dead guy, I am even awesome, when I am a dead guy, my wife and kid died and I turned into a dead guy, I spent many years without any love, Skully P...'' ''Shoobydoowop'' ''Skully P...'' ''Shoobydoowop'' ''Skully P...'' ''Shoobydoowop, shoobydoowop'' ''That's meeee!''

Skulduggery finished the song, panting heavily. He looked around. ''You guys are my best friends, you know that?'' They all hugged him. Valkyrie kissed his cheek. ''Oh Skully...'' Ghastly stroked his hair and Scapegrace sobbed ''You're gonna be alright Skulduggery...my boy...'' Tanith smiled at him. ''We'll always love you, Skul.'' Ghastly grinned happily. ''Yes, we will.'' ''I love you too, Skulduggery!'' Fletcher swooped in hopefully, but was pushed away. ''Lose the gel before you hug me, hedgehog.''

Skulduggery turned around. He was on the living room table, arms outstreched. Val, Ghastly, Tanith and Fletcher were sitting on the couch looking up at him. ''Do you want us to call you Skully?'' asked Ghastly, confused.

Skulduggery sighed as everyone left for their own houses or the night. He heard Fletcher's phone buzz and the boy picked it up. ''Oh, it's a text from the Grand Mage. He's just wanting to know my thoughts on the Canterbury vampire case.'' Skulduggery fumed as Fletcher picked up his jacket, and Valkyrie walked him to the door. They both laughed and he kissed her hand before leaving. Skulduggery gasped, a hand over his heart. Something was going to be done about him. Tonight.

Fletcher walked down the road. He was walking a couple of miles before Teleporting to the Sanctuary, just to keep in shape. He heard a truck or something rev up behind him, and he ignored it and kept walking. He was bathed in the glow of headlights and he almost turned around before something hit him hard. He hit the ground headfirst, and the last thing he saw was a skeleton in a Bentley driving away very fast as he cackled.

Tanith waited with Ghastly as Val and Skulduggery got out the car. ''Where is he?'' asked Valkyrie, frightened. Tanith jerked her head at the back of Ghastly's van. ''We just saw something at the side of the road and we pulled over...'' Valkyrie ran round to the van doors, the others trailing behind her. ''I was just driving Valkyrie home when she got your call,'' Skulduggery explained, an annoyed look on his facaded face. Valkyrie was shaking Fletcher. ''Ray? Ray, wake up!'' She sighed. ''Come on! Fletcher! Fletcher!'' Slowly, the Teleporter groaned and sat up. ''Oh..hey guys...'' He felt the bump on his head. ''Ow ow ouchey ow.'' They looked at him. ''Fletcher?'' Skulduggery asked him, a smile begining to creep across his face, ''What's two plus two?'' Fletcher took a while to think. ''Sixty three and a half?'' Skulduggery breathed a relieved sigh. ''He's cured.''

As they walked over to the parked cars, Ghastly's phone rang in his pocket. Blue Suede Shoes, his ringtone, started playing loudly. Fletcher looked around for the source of the sound, scared. He wasn't looking in front of himself and so completely missed the gel from the hair gel tubs he'd thrown out earlier that had spread into a sticky mess on the ground. He went for a flyer and facepalmed a rock. ''Fletcher?'' Ghastly exclaimed as they all turned around. They looked at him fearfully. Had his latest slip re-cleverised his brain? Fletcher looked up. ''I can see purple butterflies,'' he smiled dopily. ''They're so pretty.'' Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.


	23. Just A Little Bit: Liberty X

_**Hey again :)**_

_**More apologies to Mademise as this is another text chapter...it's not entirely in text though, so it's a compromise...**_

_**Thanks for your awesome reviews everyone, they're great! Keep them coming!**_

Thurid Guild was very drunk. He had just spent five hours in the company of Anton Shudder who had insisted on trying to 'make him a real man' and took him to a strip club him and Skulduggery frequented. They had got blazing in the first thirty minutes and when Anton had fell into a dumpster and decided to spend the night there, Thurid thought it was time to head home.

Entering his empty apartment - his wife and daughter were out at a Guide camp - he picked up his phone, intending to call number one on his speed dial, Domino's Pizza, but then saw Skulduggery's number and grinned drunkenly.

Skulduggery was lounging at Cemetery Road after a long day of trailing clues with Valkyrie. Her, Tanith and Fletcher had gone off to dinner a couple of hours ago while he chose to stay at home and get some relaxation. His phone buzzed on the table and he glanced at it. Thurid Guild had sent him a text. Skul picked it up and opened his inbox.

**From Thurid: **_Hey Sexy Skully you all on your lonesome tonight?_

Skulduggery shuddered and quickly typed back a text that was clear, concise and to the point. _'What the hell?' _He sent it then threw himself back in his armchair, feeling slightly nauseous. Thurid received the text and whooped as he reached for his phone, knocking it off the coffee table. He fumbled with it then his face dropped when he read it. He thumbed back a reply.

**From Thurid: **_Oh you sexy skeleton, don't you know how I feel for you? I was going to say something to start the conversation, like 'Hello there chap! How was your day? Bet you got up to all sorts of tomfoolery, eh?' but I now have to let it out! I LOVE YOU SKULDUGGERY 'SEXY' PLEASANT! IF IT WAS UP TO ME YOU WOULD JUST BE CALLED SEXY PLEASANT! IT SUITS YOU! _

_I love you soooooo, sooooo much! :D_

_Wait. No. My mistake. Forget what I just sent. I was...eh...fed a love potion. Yeah! A love potion! It isn't me typing this, it's what the potion's brought out. Just a joke...the potion working its magic and all that._

_So, Pleasant. I await your reply._

Skulduggery screamed when he got the text. ''Holy. Fuck.'' Scapegrace who was sleeping next door for some reason banged on the wall and shouted ''Keep it down, Thrashie and I are exploring!'' Skulduggery made a mental note that he would have to have his bedsheets dry-cleaned.

**From Skulduggery: **_Dear Grand Maniac, what? In your text you flirted with me, admitted your love for me, make a terrible joke out of it and then you asked me to case you're wondering, we fight. All the time. Because you're obviously blootered, I'll only bring this up at parties for the next hundred years. Count yourself lucky._

As soon as he got the text, Thurid started to reply, ecstatic that Sexy had replied so quickly.

**From Thurid: **_Oh Mr Sexy Sexy-Hat really are unbelievably sexy. So is your hat. Your hat is phwoaric. Can I just say something? I looooooove you. I loooove you thiiiis much. And I love your hat. Your hat is amazing. Can you like, bring it to the Sanctuary next time you're there? And you could sign it? And give it to me?_

_I'll say sorry for being mean to you. It's just, I want to kiss you so much it makes me mad. And when you're angry, that makes me want to kiss you even more so I get madder. Plus you're very hot. That time you did your angry walk up to my office made me drop a lot of popcorn down my shirt. Oh how I wish you had picked it out of it. So sorry, but all I want to do is run around shouting ''Your hat is sexy!'' All my teasing and arguing with you is flirting, you egoistic sexy annoying skeleton. All I ever wanted to do was get into your hat, figuratively speaking._

_So I love you. No. I looooove you, you sexy-hatted fool. Indeed I am drunk. I peed on my neighbour's cat, thinking its mouth was the toilet. It hasn't moved for a while now. I think it's dead. Anyway, I really want your hat. And probably one day I'll get in it. Watch out, sexay. Your next assignment is my bed._

Skulduggery got the message, saw his hat in the mirror and threw it off his head. He would never wear it again. The smexy detective sent a final text back then turned his phone off. He reached for a stiff whisky. It had been a long night.

**From Skulduggery: **_Piss off. And while you're at it take my hat. Because I'm never going to go out with you._

Thurid sighed as he got the message. He could maybe try again next time Shudder got him drunk. Ah well. Onto the others.

**From Thurid: **_Hey there handsome ;) You can be the Finn to my Rachel anytime you like. Oh, I feel a song coming on. 'You can be the DJ, I can the dancefloor, you can get up on me, on me, on on me...' _

_Yeah. So c'mon. I'm like a sex shark. If I stop, I die._

Hanging out in his house in LA with his friends from Glee, Mark Salling got the text and ran off crying to Chris.

**From Cory: **_ZOMG Mark's freaking out what the hell have you done?_

Thurid recieved several angry texts from the cast of Glee that night, telling him to stay away from Mark. Naturally, he didn't reply.

_**Arrggh! I set all this it beforehand and it seemed really funny but I don't know if it came off that way...**_

_**The chapter song is called Just A Little Bit but the chorus goes like 'Everything about you is so sexyyy..' so of course I had to put it in ;)**_


	24. Lucky: Jason Mraz & Colbie Calliat

_**A songfic-y one 'cause I love writing them :)**_

_**This is for everyone that has tons of homework and revision and crap. I so myself, but I'm kind of ignoring it and pretending it's not there. Well that's my French test for tomorrow failed...**_

**Do you hear me? I'm talking to you  
Across the water, across the deep blue ocean  
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying**

Skulduggery wished she could hear all the things it seemed he was shouting to her. The way his hand lingered a bit too long on her's when giving her something. How he liked to push her hair back. Their totally awesome eye sex. Tanith, Ghastly, Fletcher and China smirked at him as he checked he out when she tried to get a book from a high shelf in China's library. It was obvious to them. Why not her?

**Boy I hear you, in my dreams I feel your whisper across the sea I keep you with me in my heart You make it easier when life gets hard**

Valkyrie heard his voice too much. As her work partner she heard it all too much, but she still doubted he knew what effect it had on her, even since the age of twelve. Wherever she went, she could sense him with her. Not a burden, though. It was like she had a little part of him with her, as horribly cliche as it sounded. He was there for her, physically, emotionally, and mentally. To soothe her and make her feel less like the the whole world wanted a piece of her. He just didn't know how much she depended on him.

**I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend Lucky to have been where I have been Lucky to be coming home again **

Falling in love with your best friend. What a stupid thing to do. To know that the feelings can't be returned. That you have to laugh and talk with them every day when they look Godamn beautiful but you know people will think it's weird. The hundreds of years age difference. The whole he's-a-skeleton-a-lot-of-the-time thing. The thousands of admirers she had panting after her. Fletcher. Caelan. Wreath. Even Finbar whistled at her the other day. He had just eaten about five haribo packets, but still. Every day, she grew up more and more, and her gorgeousness just intensified. He wasn't worth ten of her. Damaged goods. Seen too much of life to truly appreciate it with her now.

Falling in love with your best friend. What a stupid thing to do. To know that the feelings can't be returned. That they're older than you and smarter and wiser and more powerful and tons of macho crap like that. But when he grinned up at her from under his fringe whenever he had his facade on, she couldn't help but think he looked like an adorable little boy. Or when he was deep in a case and had a frown on and there was a little line between his eyebrows when he read the case notes. And the way he stopped everyone who stood in his path was really hot. Well, he got scared of Thrasher's dog that bounded up to him once and was violently sick everywhere, but it was still sweet.

**They don't know how long it takes Waiting for a love like this Every time we say goodbye I wish we had one more kiss I'll wait for you, I promise you, I will**

Hundreds of years. Yeah. Suck on that. He had waited for her for so long. Like Twilight, but less gay. And when he looked at her, every second spent hopelessly planning and wondering were worth it. Because one day she would finally get him, and then he could finally ask her out. And he could rub all the other guy's faces in the dirt.

She had so wanted a relationship. Something stable. Something to keep her afloat in this mad world. So whenever they were about to head into a fight, she wondered '_Now? Before it's too late? Before one of us gets hurt?' _But he had hugged her, and made some egotistical remark, and the moment was over.

**I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend Lucky to have been where I have been Lucky to be coming home again**

**Lucky we're in love in every way Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed Lucky to be coming home someday**

Sometimes he looked at her and thought that she had been looking at him without him knowing. Who wouldn't want a glimpse of these cheekbones? But she turned and laughed winningly at something Tanith said, and he was thankful he sometimes didn't have blood or muscle, because then his cheeks couldn't flush red, and his heart couldn't stop beating whenever she smiled his way.

From time to time she thought he looked at her thoughtfully. Like she was giggling with Tanith and Fletcher, and his head would be cocked to the side, skull facing her. Or he would sometimes walk a bit too close for just friends, and her heart leaped. But it was just Skulduggery, and he wasn't like that.

**And so I'm sailing through the sea To an island where we'll meet You'll hear the music fill the air I'll put a flower in your hair**

The Sanctuary could throw a party when it wanted to. Tanith and Ghastly spun past. Fletcher and a hair gel tub. Tariana and Amara and Reia and Leo and Chris Colfer locked in some strange five-way embrace. And when she arrived and shyly smiled, I tucked a rose into her black locks and asked her onto the floor. And then we spun faster than everyone else.

**Though the breezes through trees Move so pretty you're all I see As the world keeps spinning round You hold me here, right now **

He held her so tightly as they moved around the floor, and she clung back, afraid to let go. That they would lose tonight, and the knowledge that there was _something_ between them. And that couldn't happen.

**I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend Lucky to have been where I have been Lucky to be coming home again**

**Lucky we're in love in every way Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed Lucky to be coming home someday**

Slowly, he bent down and put his lips on hers. The world seemed to hold its breath. And then her lips moved against his, and everything was exploding and bursting into colours and butterflies - Fletcher would like that, Valkyrie thought. And he held her as they just rested, safe in the knowledge that neither of them would be able to walk away after this had happened. They were Skulduggery Pleasant and Valkyrie freaking Cain, partners in crime and love, the redeemed bad guy and girl with a dark streak.

And now with their combined badassness, the evil guys don't stand a chance.

_**Ugh. Fluffy. I hate sappyness, but I had to write this, I thought the lyrics really fit them. I wonder what'll happen next chapter. Maybe Ghastly will serenade Finbar with a rendition of When Love Takes Over. Who knows...**_


	25. Date Night

_**This chapter hopeully comes off as Tanith-centered because I really don't talk about her enough :P**_

_**Thankyou Mademise for my 100th reveiw! I love all you guys that like my story enough to comment on it! And I don't think I could ever take over your crack-queen (that sounded really strange xD) crown :)**_

_**Adrasdos - Thankyou for these ideas, I am definitely going to be using them in later chapters! And some of them will be Fletchyrie, 'cause I know how much some of you love it...;)**_

She skipped through the names listed on the dating site. Nobody caught her eye. Skulduggery had recommended the site to her as a way of meeting new people, but she was beginning to regret it as several people she knew popped up in the pictures. The worst by far was Fletcher, taking a picture of himself in a mirror with his mobile in one hand and fluffing his hair with the other as he blew a kiss. She checked over the list that she had made of the six guys she thought looked ok and sighed as she shut down her computer. Ghastly, who had just come through with two mugs of hot chocolate, looked at her as he sat down. ''How'd it go?'' ''Very well, thank you very much,'' she snapped. He pulled the list she had printed out towards him. ''Danny Blocker? That tool from Belfast?'' Ghastly laughed so hard he began to have trouble breathing.

Tanith scowled and snatched the paper back. ''Shut it, Bespoke. I'm gonna go out and have tons of fun with these guys. I need some me-time.'' ''Well you won't get it with Danny, I think he and Fletcher were seperated at birth.'' Tanith hit him over the head with the rolled-up list and stormed out of Bespoke Tailor's back room. ''Valkyrie?'' She asked as she stopped in front of her best friend who was laughing with Fletcher, her skeletal boyfriend and Leo. She looked up. ''Yeah?'' Tanith dragged her off the couch. ''You. Me. Girl time at my place. Come on.'' She marched Valkyrie out the room. ''Time of month,'' mouthed Skul to the others.

Ghastly flopped down on a chair. ''Nahhh,'' he sighed. ''She's blind dating some guys she met on a dating site.'' ''Bad times,'' sympathised Fletcher. Ghastly looked at him. ''Huh?'' Leo shook his head. ''Fletcher's only been using words with the word times on the end. For example - Fletcher, I've got some nummy ice cream in the fridge!'' ''Good times!'' Fletcher exclaimed as he leaped off the couch and trailed into the kitchen. Leo turned to Ghastly, eyebrows raised. ''See?''

At Tanith's apartment Valkyrie stood back to admire the effect that was Tanith Low's extremely short skirt. She grinned as Tanith twirled. ''Woooww. I'd seriously marry you if I wasn't straight. Like, really.'' Tanith giggled. ''Thanks. I think I'll wear it on my date with Cormac.'' Valkyrie folded the other discarded clothes away. ''Cormac?'' ''Yeah, he's my date of tonight. Then Danny Blocker, then some guy called Ken Speckle.'' ''The last one sounds kind of familiar...'' Tanith nodded, looking puzzled. ''I've heard his name somewhere before, but I just can't place it.'' ''I think it's the name of the cereal Fletcher was eating yesterday.'' ''That's it!''

Tanith was annoyed. Cormac had only talked about himself. As had Afton. And Laurence. And Michael. And Aiden. Derek was pretty funny, but he was just the same as the others. Ken wore a weird moustache and wig. And Danny only wanted to date Fletcher. She arrived at the DVD night at Skulduggery's sighing. Everyone turned to her. ''The dating thing is terrible,'' she groaned. ''They're all too up themselves.'' ''My kinda croooowwd!'' Skulduggery yelled. Valkyrie hit him and she put the DVD into the television. Kurt and Blaine appeared on the screen. Fletcher grinned and said ''Fun times!'', just as a howl was heard coming from several streets away.

They all looked at each other. ''Oh no...'' Valkyrie moaned, her face white. Tariana Grace, Amara Calla and Reia Kellyn burst into the room. Tariana paused the DVD and started stroking Kurt's face. Amara went for Blaine's while Reia tried to kiss both. Leo and Skulduggery pried them away from the screen. ''Every single time we try to watch Glee...'' he muttered. Tanith remembered the diasastrous dates she had gone on. _It's time to go out with someone I really love, _she thought as the three crazy teenagers that had just burst in started bouncing up and down on the sofa to the music.

''Guys...'' Skulduggery started to say. ''My couch really isn't that strong...'' Tanith realised what he had said just as the couch plummeted down through the floor on top of Scapegrace and Thrasher who were making out, half naked on a bed. ''ERLACK!'' Reia shouted and she, Amara and Tariana covered their eyes with their Kurt and Blaine t-shirts. ''Funny times,'' Fletcher grinned and was slapped about the head by everyone there. ''Gosh, I fail,'' chuckled Scapegrace. They all headed upstairs again and almost got to into the living room without hearing anything from downstairs. Almost. ''Don't EVER stop doing that Thrasher! NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER!'' Scapegrace's voice echoed up through the hall. They all looked at each other. One by one, they fainted.

Tanith sat in front of her TV the night after, watching Ghost Whisperer. She passed some popcorn to her one true love sitting to her right. ''Care for any, darling?'' She asked. Her sword that was propped up on a cusion beside her didn't reply. Tanith shrugged and ate it herself. ''More for me, then.'' The doorbell rang. Tanith groaned. It would probably be Val. ''Come on in!'' She shouted. She heard the door slam and a deep voice laughed behind her ''Nice date you've got there.'' Tanith frowned. That didn't sound like her friend. ''Valkyrie, have you been on the hormone pills again?'' Ghastly stepped into her line of vision, holding out a tub of popcorn. ''Ghastly! What are you doing here?'' The tailor smiled.

''I thought you might want some company.'' She half-grinned. ''Sure.'' She patted the space beside her. He sat down, turning to face her. ''Why'd you come over?'' ''Valkyrie dropped some heavy hints, and er, threatened to burn my shoes if I didn't visit you. So I came.'' She laughed, tucking her hair behind her ear. ''Thanks, Ghastly.'' He smiled at her, and he leaned in slowly. She looked up into his eyes and leaned into meet him halfway. Their lips touched.

''Sexy times!'' exclaimed Fletcher, peering in through the skylight with Skulduggery and Val.

_**So yeah...thanks again for your reviews!**_


	26. The Social Network 3

_**Amara - Watch Glee now and you shall fall in love. Pinky swear. Horny Kenspeckle...OH DEAR LORD GREAT IDEA!**_

_**Adrasdos - It's fine :) A little vegetable hahaha what?**_

_**Mademise - I swear I had an innuendo-free mind before you corrupted me xD**_

_**Paint Explosion - GHANITH ROCKS! :D**_

_**Tariana - Heehee, deadly is indeed a great word :}**_

_**Rubaline - Awww you ok? How's it now? Get a proile so we can PM :)**_

_**Sneaky lunitic spy - What's an 88oz ;)? And thanks, I'll put that in a chapter!**_

_**I had an idea for this a few days ago, bear with me :)**_

**8: 15 am Skulduggery Pleasant **You wouldn't believe how hard it is to get party streamers out of your skull.

**Valkyrie Cain, Fletcher Renn, Anton Shudder and 6 others like this**

**8: 21 am Valkyrie Cain: **That was a great party, I hope Anton throws another one!

**8: 36 am Anton Shudder: **Thanks Valkyrie, I can maybe make them a monthly thing

**8: 39 am Fletcher Renn: **That's great, but can someone please come and help me?

**8: 39 am Valkyrie Cain: **How do you need help?

**8: 40 am Fletcher Renn: **I'll talk to you on chat

**8: 43 am Anton Shudder: **What does he want?

**9: 03 am Valkyrie Cain: **He locked himself in your bathroom and because he's so hungover he didn't know how to get out

**9: 11 am Anton Shudder: **He's a Teleporter...

**9: 12 am Valkyrie Cain: **He thought he was Gerard Way, he couldn't really do much apart from scream random rock songs into my ear when I carried him out of the bathroom

**9: 14 am Anton Shudder: **Oh dear...

**9: 18 pm Valkyrie Cain and Anton Shudder are now friends**

**9: 45 am Fletcher Renn **Na nanana nanana na na nananana! (8)

**Finbar Wrong likes this**

**9: 52 am Finbar Wrong: **Awesome song man!

**9: 58 Fletcher Renn: **Thanks I wrote it

**9: 58 Finbar Wrong: **Nahhh man Gerard Way wrote it!

**9: 59 Fletcher Gerard Renn: **I am Gerard Way

**10: 02 Finbar Wrong: **Whuuut?

**10: 04 am Valkyrie Cain: **I'll explain later...

**2: 12 pm Tanith Low **is whacked after last night!

**Valkyrie Cain, Fletcher Gerard Renn, Leo DiCaprio and eight others like this**

**2: 12 pm Ghastly Bespoke: **It was a lot of fun, want to make it offical? :)

**2: 13 pm Valkyrie Cain: **Tanith you're not pregnant are you?

**2: 14 pm Tanith Low: **NO! Look at my relationship status

**Tanith Low is now in a relationship with Ghastly Bespoke**

**Valkyrie Cain, Ghastly Bespoke, Skulduggery Pleasant and 436 others like this**

**2: 19 pm Tanith Low: **WHOOP!

**Ghastly Bespoke likes this**

**2: 21 pm Valkyrie Cain: **Awch I'm so happy for you guys! :D

**2: 22 pm Skulduggery Pleasant: **Congratulations!

**2: 25 pm Fletcher Gerard Renn: **Ghastly Bespoke you lucky bastard

**Kenspeckle Grouse, Staven Weeper, Anton Shudder and 2 others like this**

**2: 27 pm Fletcher Gerard Renn: **For the love of all your guy friends tap that ass!

**2: 29 pm Ghastly Bespoke: **So I can tell you all about it?

**2: 33 pm Fletcher Gerard Renn: **Of course!

**2: 35 pm Ghastly Bespoke: **Fair enough

**2: 36 pm Tanith Low: **Ghastly Bespoke! What the hell? You call me and ask me to come over and then tell Fletcher over facebook that it's for sex! I am coming over there and beating the crap outta you!

**2: 42 pm Fletcher Gerard Renn: **Unlucky bro

**2: 45 pm Ghastly Bespoke: **Are you kidding me? Tanith yells at me for about five minutes, beats me up then we do it anyway. High five!

**2: 45 pm Fletcher Gerard Renn: ***High fives back*

**2: 47 pm Ghastly Bespoke: **I gotta go, she's coming up the path

**5: 34 pm Fletcher Gerard Renn: **Was it worth it?

**5: 37 pm Ghastly Bespoke: **Oh dear God yes!

**Fletcher Gerard Renn likes this**

**6: 04 pm PM message: Gerard Way to Fletcher Gerard Renn**

Listen what's this about you pretending to be me? If you're one of these prep posers then get lost

**6: 06 pm PM message: Fletcher Renn to Gerard Way**

Sorry, I had a hangover this morning and I thought I was you. I only kept my middle name like that as a homey to you

**6: 09 pm PM message: Gerard Way to Fletcher Renn**

You mean homage?

**6: 10 pm PM message: Fletcher Renn to Gerard Way**

That's the one. So how about I make it up to you...You're in Dublin right now, yeah?

**6: 13 pm PM message: Gerard Way to Fletcher Renn**

Yeah

**6: 14 pm PM message: Fletcher Renn to Gerard Way**

Well how about we meet up at seven? In Shenanigans? And I'll show you how great I am

**6: 16 pm PM message: Gerard Way to Fletcher Renn**

I will never believe you're great, but ok. Us hair gellers need to stick together.

**6: 18 pm PM message: Fletcher Renn to Gerard Way**

Cool! I'll meet you there

**6: 48 pm Valkyrie Cain **cannot wait for ice skating then dinner tonight with **Tanith Low**, **Fletcher Renn**, **Ghastly Bespoke **and **Skulduggery Pleasant**!

**Skulduggery Pleasant, Tanith Low and Ghastly Bespoke like this**

**6: 49 pm Fletcher Renn: **Sorry I can't come :(

**6: 51 pm Tanith Low: **How?

**6: 51 pm Fletcher Renn: **Last minute meet up with someone important, I'll tell you later

**6: 53 pm Valkyrie Cain: **Fine I'll meet the three of you later

**6: 56 pm Tanith Low: **Cool, I gotta go right now cause Ghastly and I are going together, but I'll see you there!

**6: 59 pm Valkyrie Cain: **See you :)

**6: 04 pm PM message: Skulduggery Pleasant to Valkyrie Cain**

Before the other two get to the rink, let's swap their skates for these rocket-propelled ones that make you fly all over the place!

**6: 07 pm PM message: Valkyrie Cain to Skulduggery Pleasant**

Haha, great, pick me up in ten!

**8: 19 pm Skulduggery Pleasant **is watching **Ghastly Bespoke **and **Tanith Low **shoot around everywhere and is dying (again) of laughter

**Valkyrie Cain, China Sorrows, Finbar Wrong and 18 others like this**

**8: 37 pm Valkyrie Cain **Taking **Tanith Low **to the **Hibernian Cinema **because she broke her leg :L

**Skulduggery Pleasant, China Sorrows, Clarabelle Beam and 4 others like this**

**8: 41 pm Skulduggery Pleasant: **Is she meant to scream like that?

**China Sorrows likes this **

**8: 42 pm China Sorrows: **Please say someone took pictures

**8: 45 pm Skulduggery Pleasant: **Sure, I'll upload them

**8: 46 pm Skulduggery Pleasant has created the photo album UFO's**

**8: 48 pm Skulduggery Pleasant has added 11 photos to his photo album UFO's**

**8: 49 pm China Sorrows: **Forgive me for this unbecoming comment, but HAHAHAHA

**8: 56 Valkyrie Cain **is being yelled at :L

**9:08 Gerard Fletcheriscool Way **They try to make me go to Fletchab and I say no, no no!

_**A nod to Fletchab there xD**_


	27. Fuck You: Cee Lo Green

**Again, thanks for the reviews!**

**Rubaline - No, it doesn't cost money, and I'm 14 so I don't think age is a problem...xD Just go to the 'sign up' bit at the top right-hand corner of the screen :)**

**Another songfic whoooo! (Sorry for the people that want me to actually write something ;P)**

**I see you teleporting round town with the girl I love and I'm like,  
Fuck you! **

_He's such a prat. At least he doesn't know I stole his hair gel and replaced it with cement. Teehee._

**I guess the hotness of my face wasn't enough I'm like,  
Fuck you!  
And fuck her too!  
I said, if I was blonder, I'd be with ya longer**

_But she wasn't even with me to begin with. Stupid song. _Caelan turned his iPod off and left the rainy bus shelter opposite Valkyrie's house.

**Ha, now ain't that some shit?  
And although there's hatred in my head  
I still wish you the best with a...  
Fuck you!**

Yeah I'm sorry, I'm not liked by Landy,  
But that don't mean I can't change the plot  
I guess you like him 'cause his IQ's thirty  
And he seems to play with Spongebob a lot...

_So he lives in a pineapple under the sea. Who cares? I'm a vampire! Twilight owned Spongebob Squarepants at the Kid's Choice Awards! Take that, Patrick Star, you pink fiend! _He watched Valkyrie as she kissed Fletcher goodbye and entered her house. She didn't even notice him. He was invisible, like a ninja. ''Speed...strength...POWER!'' he yelled and accidentally knocked over an old lady with his awesome Karate Kid skillz.

**I pity the vampire that falls in love with you **  
**Well I've got some news for you  
Yeah go run and tell your little girlfriend**

_So who cares if he isn't actually a girl? He sure as hell looks like one with his fake tan. _Caelan hopped sneakily onto the skylight of Valkyrie's room, feeling a bit like the Easter Bunny. ****

I see you teleporting round town  
With the girl I love and I'm like,  
Fuck you! 

The dark-haired teenager entered her room and took off her jacket. Caelan gave a creepy smile as paedo music began to play somewhere.

**I guess the hotness of my face wasn't enough I'm like,  
Fuck you!  
And fuck her too! **

_Fuck her...I can manage that..._

**I said, if I was blonder, I'd be with ya longer Ha, now ain't that some shit?  
And although there's hatred in my head  
I still wish you the best with a...  
Fuck you! **

She shook her long hair out of her top and undid the top two buttons. Caelan's jaw hung open slightly. _Thankyou, epic vampiric gods of stalking._****

Now I know, that I had to murder,  
Moan and stake and brood and cheat.  
Trying to impress ya, trying to please ya.  
And buying Armani jeans don't come cheap.  
I pity the vampire that falls in love with you 

He frowned at the thought of Dusk fancying Valkyrie. _Oh crap, I've just spoiled book six. Ah well... _Valkyrie had now removed her shoes and socks. And man, these were some cool shoes. Loafers, if he wasn't mistaken. With the initials GB on them. Huh.

**Well I've got some news for you  
Yeah go run and tell your little girlfriend**

I see you teleporting round town  
With the girl I love and I'm like,  
Fuck you!  
I guess the hotness of my face wasn't enough I'm like,  
Fuck you!  
And fuck her too!  
I said, if I was blonder, I'd be with ya longer  
Ha, now ain't that some shit?  
And although there's hatred in my head  
I still wish you the best with a...  
Fuck you! 

A long scrape sounded in the garden and Caelan looked down. Nothing there. He texted Sanguine, telling him he'd be late for their movie night. ****

Now baby, baby, baby, why d'you wanna wanna hurt me so bad? 

_'Cause the amount of time she's takin to take her top off is seriously killing me._

**I tried to tell Scapegrace but he told me this was one for Thrasher  
Whhhy lady? Oh! I love you oh! **

Caelan opened the music library on his phone and started playing Bad Romance, just for atmospheric effect. He was too busy rocking out to see Valkyrie's hand edge closer to her top button. Kurt sang _''I'm a freak baby...'' _and Caelan smiled. If that motto served Kurt it sure as hell served him. He noticed Valkyrie and grinned.

**I still love you. Oooh!  
I see you teleporting round town  
With the girl I love and I'm like,  
Fuck you! **

Closer...closer...

**I guess the hotness of my face wasn't enough I'm like,  
Fuck you!  
And fuck her too! **

Closer...closer...

**I said, if I was blonder, I'd be with ya longer  
Ha, now ain't that some shit?  
And although there's hatred in my head  
I still wish you the best with a...  
Fuck you!  
**

Caelan was knocked off the roof as Ghastly Bespoke rushed past him through the skylight screaming ''YOU WERE THE ONE THAT TOOK MY SHOES, YOU BITCH!'' Caelan hit the ground and looked up. He groaned as Skulduggery, Tanith, Tariana, Reia and Fletcher stood over him armed with baseball bats. ''Perv on my girlfriend?'' Fletcher yelled. ''I'll show you perverted, Gothbert!'' Caelan took off and Tariana, Reia and Tanith ran after him whooping. ''Gothbert?'' Skulduggery asked, turning to Fletcher. ''Gothic Robert, like Robert Pattinson? Gay vampire?'' Skulduggery nodded as the three girls pounced on Caelan and he shrieked. ''Bets on who sets him on fire first?''

**How was that? Not really my best, but I wanted to update seeing as I won't be able to tomorrow -.-**


	28. Valentines Day

**Thanks all for your reviews, (Mademise - I had to put him in after reading My Immortal xD) and I'd like to add I don't hate Fletcher, I actually love his character, it's just so much fun to make fun of him :)**

**I got one of the lines about Chris Colfer off another fanfic, I don't know which one though :L**

**Since this is Valentines Day, I thought I'd write a date chapter ;)**

**Also, I am way underusing Amara, so I have to put you in!**

''VALKYRIEEE!'' Valkyrie got off the couch and laughed at how her best friend's voice echoed down the street. She opened the front door and saw Tanith standing on the step beaming with a giant pile of cards. ''Happy Valentines!'' ''Hey Tan, how're you?'' She hugged her and they went inside. ''I'm good, I can't wait for the date tonight!'' She threw herself down on the couch Valkyrie had vacated. Valkyrie sat beside her. ''Me neither. Do you know who all's coming?'' Tanith shrugged. ''Well, I know about you, me, Ghastly, Skul, Fletcher, Leo, Amara, Tariana, Ravel and Reia but that's it.'' ''It was great of the guys to book tables at Butter for us,'' Tanith sighed. ''Yeah. What did you get Ghastly?'' ''A pair of the loafers he wanted and some shoe polish.'' ''What loafers were they again?'' The blonde girl cocked her head to the side. ''I'm not too sure, but they were described as the 1989 Gucci loafers Italian-type Europeans, one of 93 pairs ever made, it has a four-lace, three-material fabric and they're retrofitted with modern applications like water-repelling soles, rocket boosters and GPS system.'' ''That sound like something he told me about his obsession.'' ''Skulduggery told you that about his car?'' Valkyrie shook her head. ''Nah, it sounded like what Fletcher always says about his hair.'' ''Mmmm.''

They spent a few hours reading the numerous Valentines cards sent to them then chucking them in the bin. ''How many did you get this year?'' Tanith yawned. ''A hundred and twelve. Staven Weeper sent me six though, so that doesn't count.'' Val checked the clock. ''C'mon, we're meeting the girls in half an hour.'' They left the house and arrived at the mall they were meeting Tariana, Amara and Reia at. Valkyrie and Tanith slowed down as they saw the three girls with their backs to them, dancing to Baby It's Cold Outside beside Subway. ''Every time we go to the mall...'' Valkyrie said sadly, shaking her head. Tanith went up to the girls and put off the music. ''Chris? NOOOO HOW DARE- Oh. Hi, Tanith!'' Tanith smiled and they all walked into the nearest shop for Valentines presents. ''So who are you going with on the date?'' Valkyrie asked Tariana as they looked over cards. Tariana raised an eyebrow at her and Valkyrie sighed. ''Ah yes, Ravel of course,'' she muttered as they made their way through the shop.

Meanwhile, Amara, Tanith and Reia were looking at novelty t-shirts. Tanith looked down at the shirt they had forced into her hands. ''Guys, I'm not too sure about this...'' Reia and Amara looked at the hot pink shirt with the word 'supermegafoxyawesomehot' splashed across it. ''Nonsense. Ghastly'll love it.'' Tanith mumbled her protests but they marched her up to the till and made her buy it. As Valkyrie paid for her present for Skulduggery Amara turned round and gasped. ''I have a red alert, red alert situation, two threats at a three o' clock bearing heading this way!'' Tariana, Reia and Tanith looked at her. She sighed. ''Dusk and Caelan headed this way!'' Everyone 'aaaahed' and jumped behind an aisle. They peeked up as they saw Dusk wrap an arm around Caelan's waist. Valkyrie - who still hadn't seen the two - turned round, saw them walked down the aisle and passed out. ''Not again!'' hissed Tanith as they dragged her to some nearby seats. ''This is the second time she's done this!'' **(A/N - If you want to know the first time she passed out at a mall because of a crack-ish pairing, look up chapter 6 of Tariana Grace's drabble series. It's hilarious xD)**

After nursing Valkyrie back to consciousness after her shock they snuck behind Caelan and Dusk. They were looking at different types of flowers. ''Hunneh, they just won't go with ma eyes!'' they heard Caelan exclaim. ''This is scarring,'' whispered Tariana. ''Not as scarring as when Skulduggery asked what the song Jizz In My Pants was about.'' They all winced at the memory. Reia shook her head. ''Nah, the most scarring thing was when we went to see that Harry Potter show where Harry and Voldemort team up on Broadway.'' ''Dark Lord of the Dance?'' ''Yeah, that's the one.'' Valkyrie rolled her eyes. ''Can we get back to the stalking now?'' ''Sure.''

Caelan went over to the chocolate aisle and picked up a chocolate heart He smiled fondly. Dusk really liked chocolate hearts. The five females observed him. ''This is some crazy assed shit,'' whispered Amara. The vampire turned around and saw the five of them staring at him. He blushed and kicked the ground with his left foot. ''Guys, there's something I have to tell you...'' Unfortunately, Reia and Tariana's Caelan-hating obsession/compulsion kicked in and they both conjured up pitchforks and torches from somewhere and leapt on him, screaming things like ''I will destroy you, broody goth! You put Enoby to shame!'' ''I'm gonna wash away your gay!''

Reia turned to Tariana. ''Hey, nothing wrong with some gay love, what about Chris?'' They both went starry eyed for a minute, clutching their hands over their hearts then snapped out of it. ''Yeah, but I don't think Chris is gay...'' Reia gasped in understanding. ''You think so too? He is soooo not gay. He's a bisexual in denial. When I marry him you'll see.'' Tariana looked worried and grabbed her friend's arm. ''You're marrying him? Hell no, I thought we were both marrying him with Erskine!'' Reia nodded wisely. ''Of course. And with Matt Bellamy and Darren Criss obvs.'' Amara sat down beside them. ''I'm so marrying all you too if Darren's involved!'' she yelled. Tariana began to say something then noticed Caelan slowly dragging himself down the aisle. ''HE'S GETTING AWAY!'' she roared. They sprinted towards him and began hitting him over the head. Tanith and Valkyrie looked at each other then joined in. After several minutes of Caelan-bashing they sat down exhausted and Reia started making a list. None of them saw Caelan inching away.

Reia finished the list. ''Ok, the three of us are getting married to Erskine, Chris, Darren, Matt, Cory, Mark and Emmet in the summer, happy?'' Tanith got to her feet. ''What? I thought I made it clear that Emmet's MINE!'' Meanwhile, Caelan had recovered somewhat and launched himself into his boyfriend's arms, tears running down his face. ''Whose ass am I kicking babe?'' growled Dusk. Caelan bit his lip.

Tanith, Amara, Tariana and Reia were still arguing when Dusk rounded the corner. He stalked towards them, hands upraised. ''You tried to hurt my boyfriend? My _boyfriend? _He's the only person I have left!'' Valkyrie turned to Tanith, shocked. ''Aren't these almost the exact same words Bliss said about China when he was beating up that member of the Diablerie?'' Tanith's jaw dropped. ''Oh my God. BLISS FANCIED CHINA!'' Tariana, Reia and Amara heard the end of this. ''What the he-'' Tariana began, but had to duck a punch swung by Dusk. ''How could you?'' he yelled, and he forced them out of the shop into the main mall area. Caelan joined them and everything exploded into action. Amara and Tanith was repeatedly kicking Dusk who had pinned Valkyrie to the floor and Tariana and Reia were on Caelan's back hitting him over the head. Skulduggery and Ghastly walked past, took one glance at the scene, shrugged, and continued on.

The fight ended with Dusk stuck inside a hot dog cart and Caelan in the front window of Victoria's Secret wearing only a leopard print thong and feather boa. The five girls left the shopping mall cackling madly. ''Oh my gosh, these are SO GOING ON FACEBOOK!'' laughed Valkyrie, waving her phone with the pictures of Caelan and Dusk on it around her head. They went back to Tanith's apartment and started getting changed into the clothes they had bought with Dusk's stolen credit card. Just as the clock turned eight pm, they all looked into Tanith's loor-length mirror. The swordswoman had her usual leather jacket on, over an emerald shift dress. Tariana was in her amazing purple dress that was cut mid-leg with a ruled hem. Reia wore her usual red, with a short dress and black blazer and Amara stood beside her in a miniskirt and gorgeous crop top. Valkyrie who was wearing a deep black v-neck dress put her bag onto her shoulder. ''C'mon, we should go meet the guys.''

The five males - Skul, Ghastly, Fletcher, Leo and Ravel - were waiting for them as they entered the resteraunt. Tanith, Val and Tariana immediately moved off to meet their boyfriends, leaving an uncomfortable Leo with the obsessed Amara and Reia, and the very jealous Fletcher. They all got their seats and started talking. Very quickly, the gang began to get drunk. Reia was draped across Leo with her head on her friend's shoulder singing ''I love my Amara Calla, oh yes I do...'' Fletcher was just as drunk and was wearing Caelan's feather boa, talking to Thrasher and Scapegrace who were also on their date. Ghastly left his seat and he saw Caelan and Dusk at their own candlelit table. He stared at them as Dusk put his hand on the younger man's and leant in to kiss him. Ghastly yelled ''Duuuuuude WTFFFF?'' and ran out of the resteraunt. Tanith and the other non-drunk ones stared after him. ''We better go,'' she sighed. Fletcher whooped as they left Butter. ''Now let's go get shitfaced!''

At the nightclub everyone was on the floor. Amara and Reia were boogeying down with Leo who they had gotten extremely drunk for that reason, Ghastly was spinning a giggling Tanith around, Tariana was slow dancing with Ravel and Skulduggery and Valkyrie were sitting on a bench talking in low voices. Suddenly, Valkyrie got up and stormed away. Skulduggery groaned and leant back, hands runing through his hair. Tanith saw Valkyrie go into the bathroom and she whispered a few words to Ghastly before running after her. She pushed open the bathroom door and found Valkyrie sitting on the floor, legs drawn up to her chest. She sat beside her.

''You ok?'' Valkyrie shook her head. Tanith pulled her best friend's head onto her shoulder and stroked her hair. ''What happened?'' Valkyrie sighed into her shoulder. ''Skulduggery and I were talking, and I gave him his Valentines present and he said he didn't think we were doing the whole Valentines thing, and the whole thing was overrated, even though we were talking about it last week, and he just _laughed, _right in my face. He _laughed _at me.'' Tanith was silent for a few minutes. Fletcher suddenly walked in and staggered around. ''Heyy guyyysh, I di'n' know you were duuudes,'' Tanith and Valkyrie started laughing, holding onto each other for support. ''Fletcher the shemale,'' Tanith mused. ''I have to admit, I did see it coming.''

She pushed Fletcher out of the bathroom and turned back to Valkyrie who had a sad expression on her face again. ''Forget him.'' The brunette looked at her. ''Seriously, Val, forget him. Skul loves you, we all that, but he can be a total twat sometimes.'' Valkyrie laughed and Tanith pulled her up. ''Now come on. Let's party.'' Arms wrapped round each other's waists they arrived back on the dancefloor. Tariana, Reia and Amara were smashed out of their faces and were in a giant huddle on the floor while Erskine and Leo looked down at them in amusement. Valkyrie and Tanith went onto the floor and started dancing to a Fall Out Boy track. After a few more songs the music quietened down and the DJ stepped out of his booth. Everyone in the club looked to the stage as Skulduggery stepped to the front of it, holding a microphone. ''Hey everyone,'' he began.

The whole club stared at him. He chuckled nervously and adjusted his collar. ''Tough crowd, huh?'' Someone booed. Valkyrie thought it was Fletcher. Skulduggery sighed. ''Look, I know I'm interrupting all of you, but I have something to say, and I'll try to make it short. See that girl over there?'' he pointed to Valkyrie who was still standing with Tanith in the middle of the crowd. ''That girl, she's my girlfriend. And she's amazing. She's beautiful, and funny, and smart, and talented. She's one of the best things that's ever happened to me.'' ''The Bentley's the first,'' someone else called out. ''And she doesn't know how messed-up I am. Today, I made her seriously pissed off with me, and it's because I didn't do Valentines. The reason for that's because I don't want to scare her off. I want her to be with me for as long as possible, before she finds out how mad I am about her, before she finds out how much better she can do than me.''

He stared with a smile into her eyes. Valkyrie began to smile happily, but saw Tanith shaking her head sternly, so she adopted a look of fierceness. On the stage Skulduggery looked around the room. ''So I have to show her how much I appreciate her.'' He got off the stage and made his way through the crowd to where she was. ''I love you, Valkyrie,'' he announced. ''I've loved you for a long time, and I don't know if I'm ever gonna stop loving you.'' He stopped and looked over Valkyrie's shoulder to where Ghastly and Leo were making the 'gay' hand gestures and prancing about fluttering their eyelashes. _They are so dead,_he thought. ''Valkyrie, I just want you to know that. And,'' he reached into his pocket to take out a small beautifully wrapped present, ''happy Valentines day.'' He handed it to her as the club erupted with applause. Skulduggery picked her up in his arms and kissed her for so long she had to smack his face to stop. He grinned ruefully and set her down. ''Want to dance?'' Valkyrie nodded and as he lead her into the crowd as the music started again, she saw Tanith smile at her as she and Ghastly moved off.

''I saw what you did for Val,'' whispered Ghastly into her ear. Tanith looked at him. ''What?'' He smiled as they began to sway to the music. ''You went after her. That's why I love you. Underneath all the awesomeness and mad battle skills and sexy hotness, you've got a huge heart. That's why so many people love you, Tan. You're like the sun. Every time you smile, you light us all up, and you're the best friend, and sister, and girlfriend, anyone could want.'' Tanith laughed and shoved him. ''I guess this is a night for soppy romantics, then?'' Ghastly gave her a crooked smile. ''I guess so.'' He slid his hand into his front pocket and brought out a small, gorgeous ring. It was silver and had tiny emeralds encrusted into the surface. Tanith gasped. ''Ghastly...what-'' he placed a finger against her lips. ''It's not an engagement ring. I just saw it when I was searching for a Valentines present, and I thought it would look great on you.'' He took her right hand and placed it carefully on a finger. ''It's a promise ring. And I promise you, I'm gonna be here forever.'' Tanith kissed him softly, as the word _forever _that was carved into the inside of the ring seemed to burn with a higher temperature.

Tariana, Amara and Reia were hanging out at the front of the club when the door opened. They kept on talking between themselves, but then heard a few snatches of a duet. The trio looked up, and saw two boys, one brown haired and one black, pass them. They all screamed.

At the end of the night, Skulduggery, Val, Ghastly, Tanith and Fletcher got into the Bentley. The three girls had disappeared several hours ago to go off with two certain TV show stars. Fletcher sulked as the two couples cosied up to one another. He sat in silence or several minutes, but when Tanith and Ghastly started making out he seemed to find it too much.''EEEEEEEEEE!'' he shrieked. ''Shut it, Queen Fletcher,'' Ghastly sighed. ''Stooooop it!'' Fletcher screamed again. He jumped out the car and bounced several times before rolling to a stop and getting up, only to be hit by Scapegrace and Thrasher's vehicle. ''That's the last we'll see of him tonight,'' Tanith grinned beore leaning in or a passionate kiss with Ghastly. Skulduggery caught Valkyrie's eye. ''Motel?'' She nodded with a flirty smile. ''Motel.''

**And sexy times ensue ;)**


	29. Vampires Suck

**Mademise - Chocolate hearts? SEND THEM OVER. No, just kidding. But really, please send them over.**

**So, this chapter is dedicated to Graceful Shadows, formerly ilovecaelan13. And she wasn't called ilovecaelan13 because she hated Caelan xD**

**I'm sorry I haven't updated sooner, I've been crazy busy with homework, and me and some mates went out on a huge bowling-athon, so that took ages too :}**

After a long briefing session with Ravel about a new criminal, the gang finally made it out of the Sanctuary. Fletcher, in one of his latest attempts to woo Valkyrie, got them his 'n' hers matching hair gel bottles. She wasn't impressed. Ghastly checked his watch. ''Want to go somewhere for lunch?'' he asked. Tanith shrugged. ''Sure. We've got the hour off.'' The six of them entered a tiny cafe and sat down, Leo and Valkyrie taking the orders. As she waited at the counter for the drinks, Valkyrie saw a familiar dark-haired vampire entering the bar. She blanched.

Caelan sneaked behind the gang's table and snickered. No one would _ever _find his hiding place. Skulduggery turned around in his chair and looked at Caelan. ''Pass the ketchup, mate?'' he said casually. Caelan reached behind himself for the sauces and passed the skeleton detective a set. He listened as his lady love Valkyrie sat down, listened to them all talking and laughing and flirting. _Soon_, he vowed. _Soon, I'll prove I'm worth you._

Everyone was laughing at Ghastly's impression of Nemo, and Fletcher laughed so hard he spilt his spaghetti all over his bib, so Valkyrie had to clean him up. Suddenly, Caelan popped up from behind Skulduggery's chair. ''Ah! Jack in the box!'' the Teleporter screamed and fell backwards off his chair. Valkyrie sighed. ''What do you want now, Caelan?'' The vampire walked around Skulduggery's seat. ''Valkyrie, I want to prove to you that I'm good enough to date you. I put together this song for you, I know how much you like dance tunes.'' He walked over to a tuxedo-ed orchestra that had randomly appeared. Valkyrie raised her eyebrows at her friends, who all looked mystified. He nodded to the orchestra, who raised their instruments. ''Isn't that...'' Tanith trailed off as Caelan began to sing.

''Oh nah, nah, what's my name, oh nah, nah, what's my name,'' he sang, dancing around. The whole cafe looked round. Somehow Caelan had managed to put on a bright red Rihanna-esque wig. ''Hey girl, I really wanna see if you can go down town with a boy like me, hey gi-iiiirrl, hey gi-iiiirrl,'' Valkyrie could feel her mouth hanging open. She stood up, waving a hand to stop the music. Caelan stopped singing and looked at her with shining puppy-dog eyes. ''Caelan, that was terrible. I'm not going out with you, and that's it.'' She strode out of the cafe. Tanith, Skulduggery, Ghastly, Leo and Fletcher looked apologetically at him before leaving too. Caelan turned round to see the rest of the cafe watching him silently. ''Awkward,'' he mumbled.

Fletcher was acting extremely jealous as they walked across the street, heading back to the Sanctuary. ''Vampires suck,'' he muttered. The others sighed.

A week after, Tanith and Valkyrie were in a Dublin Shopping Centre. ''Tanith, d'you think we should go to Subway or McDonalds?'' Tanith looked torn as she bit her lip, looking between the two food chains. ''Choices, choices...'' Valkyrie was weighing up the pros and cons of a Hearty Italian Sub or a McFlurry when a movement caught her eye. ''Oh shit,'' she groaned. Tanith turned to her. ''What is it?'' Valkyrie rolled her eyes. ''Caelan.'' The vampire was walking swiftly towards them, a big grin on his face.

''Hello Valkyrie, Tanith,'' he nodded to both of them. They nodded back apprehensively. ''Valkyrie, after your dismissal of me last Thursday, I realised I would have to up my game. Raise it to the next level. I hope you take this into consideration.'' He stepped back to reveal a band behind him, tuning their instruments. Caelan quickly put on the red wig from last week and signalled to the band, who began playing, the music echoing through speakers beside them. All the people in the shopping centre looked round for the source of the noise as Caelan started repeated ''La la, la la,'' over and over.

A few people started moving in time to the music. ''I want you to love me, like I'm a hot ride,'' he winked at Valkyrie. ''Keep thinking of me, doing what you like, so girl forget about the world 'cause it's gon' me and you tonight, I wanna make you beg girl, then imma make you swallow your pride...'' ''Is this actually happening?'' whispered Valkyrie as neon strobe lights started sweeping the shopping centre. ''I just can't believe he's trying to sound ghetto...'' replied Tanith, horrified. Caelan slid on his knees over to where they stood. ''Want you to make me feel, like I'm the only guy in the world, like I'm the only one that you'll ever love, like I'm the only one that knows your heart, only girl in the world,'' he sang as he got to his feet and started jumping around. Everyone around them started copying him, dancing about and going crazy. As Caelan ended the song, he walked over to her and knealt down. ''Valkyrie, if you say yes you'll make me the Luckiest Guy In The World-'' ''That was a fail, man!'' someone yelled. It was probably Finbar. Caelan carried on. ''Will you go out with me?'' She looked at him. ''Sure.'' They walked off with Tanith, Caelan finally happy.

The next day Thrasher and Scapegrace met up. ''It was very nice how Caelan sung that song for her,'' Scapegrace sighed. ''About that,'' Thrasher began. Scapegrace looked at him, and Thrasher cleared his throat, held out an engagement ring,and began to sing ''Want you to make me feel, like I'm the only gay in the world...''

**Oooooh how I love Thrashgrace xD**


	30. Friends: Band Of Skulls

**The response for the last chapter was great, I really should have Caelan sing more...**

**Anyway, here's chapter 30! Already! I've been on fanfciction for almost two months now, and you're all amazing (Whoooo! Group hug!). I'd like to thank all of you that have reviewed and PMed with me these great convos!**

**Tariana - For being my first reviewer, loving Chris babeh with me, all our amazing PM convos, how much we use each other in our stories (she has a an amazing story, check it out), and just being awesome and everything xD**

**Mademise - Ahhh, Mademise. From our triple PM conversations about fainting benches, music, Matty, Gothic Lolita and generally anything and everything, I rarely have a dull moment on fanfiction. Plus she tells me when I've made typos (which is a lot), so she's practically my beta :)**

**Rubaline - Another girl that is hilarious! Love her for her ghetto-ness, and loyal reviews and being awesomz!**

**Amara - Oh, Amara. Words cannot describe how much I love this girl. My Starkid twin that can totally fangirl over Darren with me. A true believer in Rumbleroar. The person that I had a huge PM convo with where we just quoted AVPM at each other, used tons of exclamation marks and wrote all the lyrics of Back To Hogwarts and No Way. Basically, she's supermegfoxyawesomehot, and I'd send her a bunch of Redvines, Leo and a rocketship to Pigfarts if I could. ;D**

**These are just the ones I've known for aaaaages, but also I'd like a big shout-out to Onyx Sprita, Adrasdos Dark and Graceful Shadows for rocking! I heart all of you!**

**Also, thanks everyone else for reviewing - Eternal Scene (she also has great stories called the Chronicles of Cain, they're a great read!), Mistmakesyalol, Bryn, someone called 'me', Blitz Destroyer, Juniper Flint, sneaky lunitic spy, rose black and Emily the Stalker ( love your reviews!) for your reviews too :)**

**I've just realised that most of these are female. Honestly, why isn't there guys on the SP fanfic? It's quite strange :L**

**Well that took a while...if this is chapter 30 think of what it's gonna be like for chapter 50! O_o**

Nobody had spoken for at least three minutes. Skulduggery couldn't believe it. Valkyrie couldn't believe it. Tanith couldn't believe it. Ghastly couldn't believe it. Fletcher believes in pretty much everything, so that doesn't count.

''You're telling us...you're throwing a _party_?'' Skulduggery's voice cracked on the last word. Guild nodded. ''A party to celebrate the anniversary of the union of the Sanctuaries. Many delegates from Sanctuaries abroad will be visiting, and we want to put on a good impression. This means dressing _suitably_.'' He glared at Fletcher. The Teleporter looked inocently at him. ''Why are you glaring at me?''

Guild massaged the bridge of his nose. ''For the last party we threw, you turned up in a kilt, boob tube and Valkyrie's thigh-high 'sex boots'. Seven people had to have couselling.'' Fletcher scowled. ''Fine. But only if Valkyrie wears her sex boots this time.'' Both him and Skulduggery looked eagerly at her. She shook her head, and they sighed. Guild leant back in his chair. ''Your names will be on the guest list, and I do expect you to dress accordingly. Mr Bespoke and I have talked, and he will be providing you with your clothes. It starts next week at seven thirty sharp. I expect you all to be here.'' He waved them away.

Later that day, Ghastly was in his shop when he heard the door open. He turned round and groaned, because standing there was Valkyrie Cain, Tanith Low, Reia Kellyn, Tariana Grace and Amara Calla. They grinned loonily at him. He set down his measuring tape. ''I suppose you want to know about your outfits for the Ball?'' They nodded, and he rolled his eyes. _I can't deal with all five of them at once. Oh if only Leo and Skukduggery hadn't buggered off to get egg rolls without me. _

The quintet pushed past Ghastly and headed towards the back of the shop where they knew he kept his special pieces. They entered the storeroom, high with the anticipation of seeing their dresses, but were met with the sight of Scapegrace eating a KitKat while Thrasher painted his toenails. The girls stared in shock. ''Oh, please,'' Scapegrace scoffed. ''Like you've never seen a zombie wearing nail polish before.'' He slammed the door and the girls stepped backwards. ''That was bizarre,'' mumbled Tanith.

Ghastly took Amara and Valkyrie, the ones closest to him, by their arms and steered them towards his other backroom, followed by Tariana, Tanith and Reia. ''I've just started on your dresses, they're in here,'' the tailor called over his shoulder, entering the room. Ghastly's other backroom was much like the other, medium-sized and filled with different materials, tools and fabrics. Ghastly lead the girls over to the desk. ''I had an idea for your outfits a few days ago, and drew up some sketches.'' He opened his notebook and showed them a few pages. ''Each of you is going to be in a dress corresponding to an element.'' They looked at him blankly and he sighed. ''The five elements - water, fire, air earth, water and energy?'' They made 'aaahing' noises. ''How are you going to make them into dresses though?'' Ghastly pointed to his sketches. ''They'll have the same colours and material types. You'll see later.''

He turned around and saw none of them behind them. Ghastly was puzzled until he heard a shriek from outside. He stuck his head out of the window and saw the girls throwing Scapegrace into his van before jumping in after him and driving away. He sighed.

The week after, Valkyrie, Tanith, Leo, Fletcher, Skulduggery, Amara, Tariana and Reia were at Ghastly's, getting their clothes for the Ball. Leo and Fletcher were in black tuxedos, their normal outfits for fancy events, and Skul was in a grey dress shirt. Ghastly was trying to pin Tanith into her dress, but she wasn't having any of it. ''Hands off, Bespoke,'' sne snarled. Ghastly raised his hands in innocence. ''Tanith, I can't fix you into this dress if you don't let me touch you.'' She muttered under her breath. ''I'll have you know I have a rape whistle, so don't try anything...'' Ghastly looked to Reia, who was closest, as raised his eyebrows. ''She had some gummy bears earlier,'' she whispered. Ghastly nodded. _That would be it. _He finished on Tanith and stood back to admire the effect.

Tanith's dress represented the element of fire. It was a deep orange colour, but wasn't horrible or carroty. The colour darkened down to red at the tips of the dress, that were cut pointily to look like flames, and the top hem of the sleeveless dress was cut the same way. Tanith turned round grumpily to the others. Valkyrie's dress was forest green and classically cut, with bell-shaped sleeves and green sashes around her arms and upper body. Amara's dress, representing energy, was a pretty colour in between white and gold. Threads of gold ran through the bodice, sparkling when they caught light and matching her hair. The last two girls, Reia and Tariana, had to be forced at literal gunpoint to take off their Team Chris t-shirts and change into their dresses. Tariana's was a dark blue that was almost purple and was ruffled to look like waves, while Reia's was white and light blue, and was made of a floaty material to show it corresponded with air.

''I think you look hawt,'' grinned Fletcher. Valkyrie slid a finger across her chest then wagged it in his face. ''Nu-uh,'' she said determinedly. ''Calling me 'hawt' doesn't give you a pass for trying to feel me up.'' Fletcher looked shocked. ''That was once, Valkyrie! You were in a bikini! My hair was in a plait! It was bound to happen!'' She rolled her eyes and left with the girls. Ravel was taking Tariana, Amara, Reia, Leo and Fletcher to the dance while Skulduggery would be driving Ghastly, Tanith and Valkyrie.

They arrived at the Sanctuary at half seven on the dot. Tons of people were walking outside as the sun was still up, and Thrasher and Scapegrace stood in suits and sunglasses at the Sanctuary doors. ''Scapegrace? Thrasher?'' Valkyrie asked, confused. ''Why are you on security?'' Thrasher looked over his sunglasses at her, and for a second he looked cool before they fell off his nose and he stepped on them. Picking them up while blushing, he said ''Guild hired us for security.'' Skulduggery started howling with laughter, but then saw Thrasher was serious and immediately stopped. ''Um. Awkward. Anyway, our names should be on the list.'' Thrasher checked then waved them in.

The decorated Sanctuary looked better than ever and they mingled about with the other guests. Suddenly, Guild ran up to them, looking panicked. ''We've got a serious situation on our hands,'' he stressed. Ravel who was arm in arm with Tariana looked over, slightly guilty as he was supposed to be on Elder duties. ''What is it, Thurid?'' ''The entertainment we booked for tonight hasn't turned up.'' Tariana raised her eyebrows. ''Who was the entertainment meant to be?'' Ravel turned towards his girlfriend. ''Well, we kind of ordered a few of the Glee cast to come and sing, we know how much you like t-'' he was abruptly cut off as Tariana, Amara and Reia launched themselves at him, covering him with kisses. ''RAVEL HUNNEH YOU ARE THE BEST!'' yelled his girlfriend. ''Ehmahgash, I have to take get my camera out right now!'' Reia grinned, high-fiving her friends. ''This is so going on Skulbook!'' Guild cleared his throat. ''As much as I enjoy how your celebrating is causing Erskine to choke, I have to remind you that they aren't coming.'' The three girls stopped kissing Ravel and curled up together on the floor, lips trembling. ''Why?'' Guild scratched his head.

''I'm not too sure, they said something in their message about going to see a fellow member's musical with his other castmates...'' ''Totally Awesome,'' muttered Amara and she and Reia slapped high fives. ''Anyway, we don't have any entertainment. People will leave, and the Irish Sanctuary will be a laughing stock.'' Skulduggery straightened up. ''Not if I can help it!'' he grabbed the them all (Valkyrie, Tanith, Fletcher, Leo, Ghastly, Guild, Amara, Reia, Tariana, and even Thrasher and Scapegrace had somehow been included, it was a pretty big love-in) and they went into a huddle. ''Ok,'' he began. ''Remember last month, when we went to that bar?''

*Flashback*

The boucer at the bar stared suspiciously at them as they lined up to enter the club. Leo, Amara, Tariana and Reia had already got in because they were just that cool, but the other five were left facing him. ''I'm sure you haven't been to this bar before, yo. What's yo' called?'' They looked behind him to where Leo frantically held up a sign saying 'USE GANGSTA NAMES!' Skulduggery took a step forward.

''Skully P, yo.''

The bouncer nodded. He was definitely awight if he had that name. ''Respect, dude.'' They bumped fists and he let Skulduggery past.

''Tan Tan.''

''ValCain.''

''B. Spoke.''

''Ehhhhh...Fletchy Fletch?''

The bouncer looked a bit sceptical but ushered him in.

*End flashback*

''Yes, Skulduggery, but what does that have to do with now?'' ''Well, remember how the manager didn't believe we were ghetto enough?'' Valkyrie and Tanith exchanged dark glances. ''Yeah, and you, Ghastly and Fletcher had a ghetto relapse like you had on facebook?'' Skulduggery nodded. ''And the manager wanted us to sing a song to prove we were cool?'' ''Uh-huh?'' Skulduggery broke the huddle and looked at Guild. ''I believe you now have entertainment.''

Everyone turned to the stage as Guild tapped the microphone. ''Excuse me? Good. You've all been very patient, and I thank you. So now, let me introduce...Skulduggery and the Pleasants!'' He ran offstage as the curtain lifted to reveal Skulduggery, Tanith and Leo tuning guitars, Ghastly picking up his bass, Ravel sitting behind a drumset, Valkyrie settling behind a keyboard and the other four teenagers holding microphones. Skulduggery walked to the centre o the stage - it was evident he was lead guitar - and grabbed his stand microphone. ''Thank you, everyone. We'd just like to kick this off with a song I'm sure you'll recognise...'' He lowered his head and started the guitar intro to American Idiot by Greenday. Most people in the audience started cheering and jumping, especially when Scapegrace and Thrasher appeared onstage and started dancing. ''This is fucking WILD!'' Guild yelled, whipping his shirt above his head. Kenspeckle looked at him oddly. ''Easy there, big guy.''

A few hours later, a few people had drifted off to get a snack at the half-time break. Skul signalled to the others and they picked up their instruments, while he put down his guitar and grabbed his microphone. ''Alright people, here's an oldie that you might know.'' Valkyrie's fingers moved across the keyboard as started to play. The tune of Good Vibrations filled the hall. After some instrumental parts where Fletcher did a lot of shit rapping, he pointed to Skulduggery and yelled ''Skully P break it down!'' ''Skully P's on the backup, suit free so put Ghastly up, no need for violence I'm anti S-E-R-P-I-N-E my skeleton is healthy, my ego makes me wealthy, and the Skully Crew help me, with my problem of intoxication, come on FEEL THE VIBRATION!'' All the females below the stage went wild. ''Skulduggery gets all of them,'' Leo said sadly as the finished the song.

At the end of the night, Valkyrie pulled a very drunk indeed Skulduggery away from the cocktail bar. ''I looove you,'' he grinned. ''I looooove all my friends.'' ''That's enough now,'' she said firmly, leading him into an empty bedroom in the Sanctuary's private quarters and sitting him on the bed. ''I'll leave you here until you calm down.'' Skulduggery laid back and turned to see a drunk Grand Mage beside him, wearing his hat. ''Why hello,'' Guild purred.

It was a night Skulduggery would never forget.

**Oh Guild...**

**If you want to listen to Good Vibrations, it was the Glee version of it I was thinking of, so I recommend typing that into YouTube. Hope you liked it!**


	31. Twins

**Random little idea that came into my head just the now...**

Skulduggery and Erskine were arguing. It was Saturday morning and Skulduggery found out that the Sanctuary aniversary party he was hosting had a completely different theme than he thought. ''For God's sake Ravel, whose idea was it for the party's theme to be _nature_?'' At that moment, Fletcher danced past them singing ''I like the flowers, I like the daffodils, I like the mountains, I like the rolling hills, I like the fireside when the lights are low singing a doo wop, a doo wop...'' his voice faded into silence as he turned the end of the corridor. ''I guess that answers it,'' Skulduggery muttered under his breath.

Valkyrie joined them and nodded respectfully to Ravel and her boyfriend. ''Hey guys. What are you arguing about now?'' Erskine grinned. ''Just talking about how Skulduggery needs to go help with the hall decorations for the party.'' Skulduggery snarled and stalked off while Erskine looked amused. ''You're going the wrong way.'' ''I knew that.''

Later on in the day, the gang were in the hall putting up decorations when Thurid Guild walked in. ''Who ate all the pies?'' Skulduggery sang softly. Guild didn't seem to hear and adressed them all. ''I've been told I have to let you go now, something about human rights and all that shit...'' Ghastly whooped and jumped off the stepladder. ''Alright everybody, drinks are on me!'' The others grinned and they left the building, happy at the thought of the smashedness that was about to come.

Several hours later, Tanith came across Valkyrie and Skul arguing in a dark corner of the pub. ''What's going on here then?'' Valkyrie turned to her best friend, a scowl on her face. ''China keeps ringing Skulduggery. I don't know why, and I don't want to know what for, but I do want to know WHY THE HELL YOUR RINGTONE FOR HER IS SEXYBACK!'' She yelled, her words now being directed at Skulduggery. He looked awkward. ''Val, I-'' ''Imagine hearing that four hours for more than a week now! And from China Sorrows!'' the teenager screamed, her anger obviously intensified by the alcohol. ''I'm going to KILL you!'' There was a moment of silence before the one thing Valkyrie did not want to hear suddenly echoed through the air.

''_She's bringing sexy back_

_Them other girls don't know how to act_''

It was fair to say Valkyrie lost her shit.

After Ghastly and Ravel dragged her kicking and yelling off of Skulduggery she sat in a corner with her drink, looking as if she'd murder anyone that came close. Skul, on the other hand, seemed to be ignoring the argument and was doing his best to drink his way into forgetting, re-telling the day someone hacked his facebook turning his favourite artist into a certain annoying teen in his own special way - through song. ''And then she saw my face, now I'm a Belieber!'' Skul danced around his audience, wide grin on his face. ''Not a trace, no doubt in my mind! I'm in love, oooooohhh...''

Across the bar, Fletcher was sitting on his own, feeling lonely, with nobody to talk to. Skulduggery was drunk. Valkyrie was mad. Tanith had disappeared. Ghastly and Leo were playing cards with Springheeled Jack and Madam Mist. Even Amara, Tariana and Reia were nowhere to be found. He didn't keep in contact with his family anymore, and he had hadn't met his brother, who had been adopted when they were babies. _That's it, _he thought, a smile spreading across his face. _I'll find my brother!_

A while later, the gang were watching a movie at Ghastly's. Valkyrie and Skulduggery - who had made up after the ringtone incident - were snuggled up together as were Ghastly and Tanith. Reia, Tariana, Amara and Leo were sharing a bowl of popcorn on the sofa. There was a knock on the door. Leo yawned. ''I'll get it,'' he said, rising from the couch. He opened the door, and Fletcher walked into the room, arms wide open. ''Did you miss me?'' The others turned round from the film, looking confused. ''Why would we miss you?'' The Teleporter's face dropped. ''I've been away for two months!'' ''You have?''

Fletcher looked sad, but shook his head and straightened up. ''The reason I've been away for so long is that I was tracking down a long-lost family member. And I've finally found him!'' He reached behind the door with a big grin. ''Friends, let me introduce you to my twin brother!'' His arm pulled a boy out from behind the door. They all looked at him. It was Justin Bieber.

The repercussions of El Biebster integrating himself into Fletcher's life was shown over the next few weeks. For example:

At Kenspeckle's.

Fletcher popped his head into the Hibernian and smiled.''Kenspeckle?'' The magic-science professer looked up from his conversation with Valkyrie. ''Yes?'' ''I saw the witch doctor, he gave me some advice, I saw the witch doctor he told me this advice, he said ooh eee ooh ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang, ooh eee ooh ah ah ting tang walla walla-'' ''Shut up.'' ''But it's my singing day!'' ''Singing day?'' ''Yeah, tomorrow's my annoying people day.'' Valkyrie raised her eyebrows. ''Why are you having a singing day?'' Fletcher beamed with pride. ''Justin told me I have a great voice, and I should practice it.'' He went away humming, and Valkyrie and Kenspeckle exchanged glances.

At China's.

The gorgeous librarian smiled as she heard a beautiful female singing voice echo from the stairs leading to the library. She opened the door and greeted Fletcher and Skulduggery as they entered. ''I didn't know Valkyrie had such a lovely singing voice!'' Fletcher looked at her oddly as a fourth person joined them. ''That isn't Valkyrie, it's Justin.'' China fainted dead away as Fletcher and the other boy did synchronised hair flips at the exact same time.

At the Sanctuary.

''HOLY FRICK IT'S JUSTIN BIEBER!''

And in the Bentley.

Skulduggery smiled as Frank Sinatra sang his favourite song. Suddenly, Justin exclaimed from the back seat ''Ooooh! Ooooh! Change the station!'' He leant forward from the back row he, Tanith, Ghastly, Thrasher, Scapegrace and Fletcher were in and flipped the radio dial. His voice came crooning out the speakers. ''And I was like-'' Fletcher and the Bieber in the car with them burst into ''BABY, BABY OOOOH!'' Skulduggery grit his teeth and Valkyrie looked at him. ''I thought you liked Justin? And besides, at least they're not talking about the merits of Pantene versus V05 gel.'' He nodded but still looked tense. ''I know, but I just want to strangle him. Frank Sinatra vesus him? No competition. Valkyrie, he's ruining our lives.'' His girlfriend sighed. ''I kind of see what you mean. I thought there was no shemale bigger than Fletcher. I was wrong.''

''Same. You know how at the start of One Time he sings 'ay, ay, ay, ay'?'' ''Yeah.'' ''Well, I've been fantasizing about replacing that with 'gay, gay, gay, gay.'' She stroked his arm. ''Just bear with it. He'll get better.'' The detective looked exasperated. ''Valkyrie, just yesterday he had Guild dressing in hotpants! And Thrasher and Scapegrace were wearing matching Bieber wigs! They think he's cooler than me!'' She burst into a chorus of Cooler Than Me then laughed. ''Skul, they don't think he's coo-'' ''Jeez, you're much cooler than Skulduggery!'' Thrasher's voice seemed to echo round Skulduggery's brain. _Much cooler than Skulduggery. Much cooler than Skulduggery. Much cooler than Skulduggery. Much cooler than Sk - _He slammed on the breaks, causing everybody to pitch forward.

Skulduggery got out of the driver's seat and opened the passenger door before yanking Justin out the car. He dumped the singer at the side of the road and messed up his hair a few times for good measure before getting back in the Bentley. Fletcher shrieked as the pulled away from the kerb, leaving Justin there. ''Why did you do that? How could you? I'm going to-'' ''I'll pay for an all-you-can-eat-pancake buffet.'' ''Done.''

**Wrote this in twenty minutes, so I don't know how it turned out xD**

**I suppose the real question is if Justin managed to survive on the Dublin streets after Skul left him there...**


	32. Good Times: Roll Deep

**I shouldn't be writing this. I should be doing SkulBook or replying to PMs (sorry guys! I'll reply soon, swear!) or my English essay or French revision or OH GOD my Geography homework. Shit. **

**Blaine, Kurt, Puck and Mr Schue are sadly characters of Glee :L They can be mine, can't they? *Ryan Murphy shakes his head* No? No? Fine...**

**Anyway, I just wanted to write this because today's my 2 month joining fanfic anniversary! Whoo! If anyone wants to see the mushy thankyou's, go to the Author's Note on chapter 30. Sorry for the shortness, but I have a heck of a lot of stuff to do (see above). Enjoy!**

The gang were at Ghastly's, watching the news before Glee came on. The newsreader was standing in front of a video of pigs running about a farm (''Aranmore's really let itself go,'' muttured Skulduggery) and eating out of troughs. Valkyrie sat up and gasped. ''Oh my gosh,'' she exclaimed. ''It looks just like my cousins at dinnertime.'' The newsreader soon finished the show. ''Experts are wondering if this is indeed the return of Ireland's swine flu.''

''I think Scapegrace was the one to start that,'' Tanith remarked, causing the others to laugh. Glee came on, causing Ghastly to cheer as his face appeared onscreen shmoozing with Puck and Mr Schue. The cast burst into song now and then, causing Reia, Tariana and Amara to fangirl over Blaine and Kurt and Tanith to fangirl over Ghastly's mini mini mini cheerleading skirt.

As the show finished, a few of the cast members showed up on the screen again. ''Hey there, viewers! We've got the results of our latest competition, Be On Glee!'' The others yawned and Leo was going to change the channel just before Mr Schue pulled out an envelope and read ''The winner of our competition to star in three episodes of the second season is...Fletcher Renn, living in Dublin, Ireland!''

Everyone looked at Fletcher in shock. ''Fletcher, did you enter the competition?'' The Teleporter was too busy shrieking with joy to hear her. Ghastly cleared his throat. ''Ahem. I entered Fletcher as a birthday present, on his own terms.'' ''And what were they?'' The tailor looked embarassed. ''Well...he gets to sing his self-composed song Hairgel Is Great. It's the crappest song I have ever heard ever, and that includes Skulduggery's ditty of I'm Almost As Cool As My Car.'' Valkyrie laughed and watched Fletcher as he started jumping on the sofa, screaming ''GLEE! GLEE! GLEE! GLEE! HAIRGEL! GLEE! GLEE!''

Skulduggery walked back into the living room, wrapping an arm around Valkyrie and massaging his temples. He looked at Fletcher with a pissed-off expression. ''As Irish pig contamination spreads, some pigs celebrate.''


	33. Confessions Of A Shopoholic

**Thanks for your reviews and ideas, keep them coming!**

**This is just a little idea I came up with, and thanks to Tariana for telling me about the Spire :) **

**I don't think this is really funny but I had to write it :}**

Fletcher loved shopping.

He loved picking out clothes, he loved trying them on, he _adored_ choosing things that would look good on him.

He wasn't the only one. Ghastly and China, too, loved shopping. Ghastly was in it mainly for checking out shoes, but he did have a big interest in fashion, being a tailor. China of course looked good in anything so she loved it.

It was their secret. Every second Monday, they would all go on a shopping trip together. They would go round their favourite shopping centers, or Fletcher would Teleport them to London and they'd explore shops there. Being the ones in the group most dedicated to fashion and lookig good, it was hardly surprising that they met up. Skulduggery liked suits, but he appreciated them only when they looked good on him. Tanith was generally the same but about leather. Valkyrie, as they had all unanimously agreed, was a hopeless case.

This Monday, they were shopping at the Spire, located on O' Connell street. For some odd reason, Clarabelle always came with them on their trips. No-one knew why, and no-one cared to ask, as she always told them the exact truth when they asked about clothes (though Ghastly did get extremely annoyed when she told him 'his bum looked bigger than China's credit card bill' when he asked about a pair of jeans).

Fletcher nodded at China as she stepped out of the car driven by the creepy man that was always at her library. She walked elegantly over to him, either not seeing or not caring about the people that stopped and stared as she walked past them. ''I see the others haven't arrived yet.'' They stood in silence until Ghastly arrived in his van with Clarabelle. ''You really need to replace that hunk o' junk,'' Fletcher moaned. Ghastly frowned. ''Don't knock my wheels until you have some other than your Noddymobile.'' Fletcher stuck his tongue out at him and took a clipboard out of his man-bag. ''Where're we headed now?'' Clarabelle asked dramily. Fletcher flipped the clipboard sheet back over, a happy smile on his face as he answered. ''The department store.''

After picking up Ghastly's new hot pink Manolo Blahniks from the shoe shop they hit the department store. China liked to go for the high-class designer stores while Clarabelle shopped vintage. Ghastly's favourite was material shops, and Fletcher just went everywhere. The three strode down the store with Clarabelle behind them, holding Fletcher's bags. He turned to wink at her, handing her another huge shopping bag. ''I'm going to shop until you drop.'' She smiled weakly. ''That's not far off.''

Fletcher sat down as China and Ghastly tried on some things in the next shop and let his mind wander. _I really like shopping with the three of them. Though I wish we could do friend stuff iin front of the others. We could have movie nights, maybe watch Shrek 3. And we could all cuddle up together..._Fletcher's thoughts strayed off into censored territory just as Ghastly sat down next to him. ''What an epic ship,'' the Teleporter murmured. ''Fletchylychinabelle...total hot mess.'' Ghastly looked at him. ''I'd say it's more like incest.'' Fletcher snapped his head around to look at him. ''Huh?'' ''Group love-ins aren't my thing.'' ''That sucks. Fletchylychinabelle would be fucking hot.''

They had a few pitstops before China announced she wanted to visit La Senza. Fletcher browsed the underwear aisles and came across a fetching red thong. ''Hey, this would be a great present for Valkyrie,'' he murmured, slipping them over his jeans so he could approximate how they fit on him and therefore Valkyrie. He turned round to see Ghastly staring at him, eyes wide. Fletcher laughed nervously and began to hop out of the underwear.

''Ghastly, it's not what it looks like, see-'' Fletcher waddled forward as best he could in the tight-fitting pants but was too late to stop Ghastly snapping a picture on his mobile phone then run away sniggering. Fletcher miserably pulled them off. ''Hello, Fletcher,'' said a voice behind him. Fletcher turned around to see Valkyrie standing there, a look of amusement on her face. ''Why are you holding lacy red underwear?'' Fletcher furiously blushed. ''Ehm...I was...buying it for my mum. Yeah. My mum.'' She nodded once, slowly.

''Fletcher, your mum's dead.'' _Shit. She can't be allowed to know about the shopping trips. Ok, a better idea. _''Um, I was buying them for...China.'' She cocked her head to the side. ''China?'' ''She couldn't leave the library today, so...yeah.'' She looked at him for several seconds. ''I would have called you a pedobear, but I suppose that's a perfectly plausible explanation.'' He exhaled, then saw Ghastly, China and Clarabelle over Valkyrie's shoulder gesturing to him. He looked back at Valkyrie quickly. ''Sorry Val, got to go.'' He sped away and met the others. ''Close call.'' he panted, out of breath. The librarian sniffed in annoyance.''Well maybe next time you shouldn't try on girls underwear.'' ''China, you pwn.''

Valkyrie watched as Fletcher left the shop then looked under the clothes stand. ''Guys, you can come out now.'' Skulduggery and Tanith scrambled up from under the stand. Skulduggery brushed some dust off his suit. ''Is he gone?'' ''Yeah.'' Tanith sighed with relief. ''Thank God. I thought he'd rumbled our secret shopping meet ups.''


	34. I Have A Dream: ABBA

_**Ooooh another update finally!**_

_**Anyway. It's snowing here I was at my friend's (MuseGleek123! Gasp! Yes, 'tis her! Well, you probably don't know her, but she's finally got an account and has a story that I help her on) last night and we got snowed in. Really, three feet of snow around the house, and her, her brother and me packed inside watching repeats of Glee and Harry Potter Puppet Pals. FML. But I've written this chapter for you guys, hope you like it :)**_

_**Oh and thankyou Tariana for the ideas! I'm going to do your ones after this, promise!**_

''Where _is _he?'' Valkyrie checked her watch. ''We're supposed to be leaving at half past!'' Valkyrie, Tanith, Ghastly, Skulduggery and Fletcher had been assigned to a high-importance case and Fletcher was late for their meeting. ''I'm sure he'll be here soon, Valkyrie,'' Skulduggery soothed, rubbing her shoulder.

''Why do you want me to do this?'' the Teleporter demanded. Reia, who was trying to drive the car without being seen by police turned round and winked demonically at him. ''Why do you think, Fletcher?'' He shook his head. ''You're crazy.'' Tariana, who was sitting beside him smirked.

''Well Fletch, we need your charm and good looks.''

''No, really.''

''We need a guy for all the dance lifts and stuff.''

He put his head in his hands. Amara patted his arm. ''It's fine, you only have to come with us for a while then we'll let you out of the non-Teleporting handcuff things.'' Reia giggled. ''Kinky.'' Amara hit her over the head and continued. ''So it's only for a while Fletcher, we swear.'' He groaned as he leant back. ''I still can't believe you want us to audition for Britain's Got Talent.''

Valkyrie frowned at her phone. ''He's not answering my texts or calls.'' Tanith looked over her friends shoulder and checked the phone too. ''Val, it'll be fine. He's probably buggered off to London for a week and forgotten about the case.'' The dark-haired girl sighed. ''You're probably right.''

A few hours later Fletcher, Amara, Tariana and Reia were in Newcastle for their first audition. The girls wore skirts and form-fitting tops and Fletcher wore smart jeans and a shirt. ''Remind me why is it you're doing these auditions?'' ''Well, the main prize is getting to perform with the Glee cast.'' Amara's eyes took on a shine as she explained. ''That means meeting Darren and Chris!'' ''Hell yeah!'' Tariana yelled as the girls swapped high fives. A man walked up to the group and smiled politely. ''Hey guys, it's your turn to go on.'' The girls whooped as they dragged Fletcher onstage. He whimpered as he saw the hundreds of people cheering. ''I'm gonna spew,'' he whispered to Tariana. She rolled her eyes. ''Fletcher, chill.'' ''No really, I'm gonna sp-'' ''Ew! DISGUSTING!''

After being chucked out of the Manchester audition, the four of them followed them around the country. After three days and five auditions they were now in Edinburgh. This time when they got on stage Fletcher seemed to feel a lot better. ''So what are you going to do today?'' Simon Cowell asked, trousers so high they could barely see his face. Amara spoke into her microphone. ''Fletcher's going to take the lead on a favourite song of ours.''

She nodded to the weird tech people to the side of the stage and they started playing the music to Like a G6. Fletcher cleared his throat as he began to sing. The girls looked at him in hope. Would he finally get the lyrics right? He seemed to grow more confident and danced round the stage, shaking his thang like he was the strangest Beyonce ever. He grabbed his microphone. ''Sipping sizzurp in my ride like three six, and now I'm feeling so fly like my cheese sticks! Like my cheese sticks, like my cheese sticks, and now I'm feeling so FLY LIKE MY CHEESE STICKS!''

It was needless to say they didn't get the audition.

After several more auditions the four were outside their last, the O2 Arena in London. Tariana handed their tickets out and Fletcher, who was beginning to enjoy the singing took his with a fierce expression. ''We have gotta get this one. I'll die if we don't.'' Amara scowled. ''Well maybe if you remember the lyrics this time...'' He nodded his head. ''Don't worry, I've memorised all the words. Everything's perfect.'' Suddenly, Reia ran up to them, eyes wide. ''Guys,'' she hissed, ''We've got the wrong time. It's the groups of five and over that're auditoning now! We can't do it!'' Tariana bit her lip. ''You mean we can't audition?'' ''Exactly! We have to have another member or we can't perform!'' ''Um, I'll sing with you if you want.'' The group turned round to see the gorgeous young guy that had just spoken.

IT WAS CHRIS COLFER.

Tariana and Reia both fainted dead away while Amara grinned. ''Chris Colfer? What are you doing here?'' The Glee star smiled. ''I was in London and thought I'd drop in on the Britain's Got Talent auditions. I thought you needed a hand, so yeah...''

Ten minutes later...

''Chris babes, I love you.''

''I love him more.''

''No, me!''

''No, me!''

''DIBS ON CHRIS!''

''Guys, I'd really appreciate it if you stopped hugging me now...''

He looked down at where Fletcher, Reia and Tariana were clinging onto his legs with soppy looks on their faces. Reia rolled off and stalked round him grinning to herself. She straightened up and smiled evilly. ''My friend, you have a superb ass.'' Chris looked kind of creeped out as he answered ''Um...thanks?'' ''It's quite alright.''

When they were backstage Amara grabbed the other girls. ''How's he going to go out there? There'll be a riot of teenage girls with nothing better to do than listen to Glee and obsess over EdCul!'' Reia slung an arm around her shoulders. ''Relax. I put a magic voodoo spell thing on the audience so no-one notices him.'' Chris and Fletcher jogged up to them as Ant and Dec ushered them to go on. ''We ready?'' Fletcher barged past them with a can of Red Bull in his hand. ''Hell yeah!''

''Well that sucked,'' grumbled Fletcher as they walked out of the arena. He glared at Reia and Tariana. ''Why? Just why?'' The girls looked extremely pissed-off. ''It was his damn fault!'' Tariana yelled. Fletcher raised his eyebrows. ''Simon Cowell told Chris that he would need face work and you two lost it and tried to punch him!'' Tariana shrugged. ''Well, he insulted Chris. NO-ONE INSULTS OUR GOD!'' Reia chimed in as usual. ''I suggest we go back there with Skulduggery's gun, Guild's handcuffs and Thrasher's face cream; then we stick-'' ''Nooo, no no no,'' Chris exclaimed, holding up his hands. ''It's fine guys. I know I'm really hot.'' They 'awwwed' and tickled him under the chin. ''What are we supposed to do now?'' Amara said. ''The auditions are over, we might as well go home.'' ''Well, there is one thing...'' Fletcher began.

Back in Ireland, Tanith, Ghastly, Valkyrie and Skulduggery were sitting together watching the X-Factor final. ''And the winner of this year's X-Factor is...'' - Valkyrie and Tanith held their breths while the guys just looked bored - ''Chrisso C versus Dangerbear!'' Ghastly looked confused. ''Who are they?'' Tanith shrugged. ''I haven't kept up with the show, so I don't know.'' Skulduggery leant forward as what looked like a giant pineapple lept onstage. ''Wait a moment...that's no pineapple...'' ''Fletcher!'' They all yelled as Fletcher Renn, Tariana Grace, Amara Calla, Reia Kellyn and Chris Colfer started dancing and cheering onstage. ''I'm Dangerbear, of course,'' Fletcher was telling the cameras. ''And Chris is Chrisso C...'' ''Can't they see that Chris freaking Colfer is right in front of them?'' Tanith asked bemusedly. ''I don't think so, all they needed to do was use a spell to trick the audience into believing it wasn't Chris,'' Skulduggery answered slowly.

''Guys, am I the only one here that thinks this is TOTALLY FREAKY?'' Valkyrie demanded. Ghastly raised his hand. ''High fiiiiive, Bespoke!''

The X-Factor host grinned at the camera. ''And now, the winners will perform their original song, Danger Danger Danger (Skulduggery Is A Retard)!'' The skeleton gasped as the quintet on the TV lined up and started dancing to an up-tempo song. ''Surely they wouldn't...''

''S-K-U-L is a T-A-R-D say hey, say ho, the skeleton's a tard!''

''FLETCHER FUCKING RENN I WILL DESTROY YOU!''

_**This kind of sucked :L**_

_**Anyway, there's a sleepover chapter up next! ;)**_


	35. Gettin' Over You: David Guetta

_**This is for Tariana Grace who told me about her Chris babes phone wallpaper, which automatically makes her the most deadly person ever. ;D**_

**All the things I know right now  
If I only knew back then  
There's no getting over  
No getting over  
There's just no getting over you**

I watched as they spun under the lights, dark heads turning red and blue and green. Perfection. Ever since I had lost my only love to _him _I realised just how much I hated him.

His arrogance.

His smooth talk.

His good looks.

His power.

**Wish I could spin my world into reverse, just to have you back again  
There's no getting over  
There's no getting over  
There's just no getting over you!**

Why did I let you go? I would do anything to get you back. Ever since we met a few years ago I loved you.

I love how your dark hair waves back

how everyone likes you

how your laugh is infectious

and even though everybody thought I was an idiot you still were my friend.

**All the things I know right now  
If I only knew back then  
There's no getting over  
No getting over  
There's just no getting over you  
**

You're super funny and have a smoking body. And though you slipped up, you always try to do good.

Whenever I'm out admiring myself in mirrors I always think of you and how you're with him. I miss you and however hard I try to move on you're there stopping me. Not literally, 'cause that would be weird, but in my mind, kind of like Inception.

Man, Leo is hot.

But not as hot as you.****

Wish I could spin my world into reverse, just to have you back again  
There's no getting over  
There's no getting over  
There's just no getting over you!

I mean, come on! I'm a catch! All girls should totally want me.

But you're the one for me.

(I don't mean to say that in an Edward Cullen way, I'm not about to visit you in your bedroom at night and act all smouldery. Much.)

**If you ever felt love  
Then you know what I'm talking about  
There is no getting over  
**

So I still look at you dancing and laughing and I wish you were mine because then we could kiss a lot and damn, you're a great kisser.

I don't know if we'll ever get together.

I don't know if you'll ever like me in that way.

**There's no getting over  
There's no getting over  
There's just no getting over you!**

But what I do know is that I will never get over you, Vaurien Scapegrace. For realz.

_**Ahh, some Thrasher pining while Scapegrace is with Sanguine. Thrashgrace is love. ;)**_

_**I've got a few ideas for upcoming chapters from Tariana and songfic ideas from Adrasdos, but I'm thinking of writing a wedding storyline! So should I just write the weding or from the proposal all the way up to the big day? You decide :)**_


	36. 4 Minutes: Madonna & Justin Timberlake

_**Mademise, we all know that the Queen of Crackfick is eternally yours xD And here I was thinking I was doing the annoying...**_

_**Thanks everyone for the reviews, and I could never throw any rotten fruit at you Amara, but I would probably throw redvines ;) Your ideas are amazing and I shall definitely be using them (Brackets are cool)! Ah, it's been good to hear from you again, my friend :)**_

_**So yeah, this is dedicated to Amara who MADE A FREAKING NEW WORD UP FOR ME :DD**_

_**Fantremeperfect! Hell yeah!**_

_**So I haven't updated in a while :L There was guy drama with my friends and my laptop broke twice and the fair was in town so a lot of us went to that (never eat popcorn on waltzers, it makes you sick) but I will update more now because it's the Easter holidays! High five!**_

_**Oh and I'm gonna be doing the wedding idea so if you want to be in the chapters (yeah, there's going to be more than TWO chapters. ZOMG, I know) send me a character OC thingy in PM or a review :)**_

_**Oh and New Directions won Regionals! YUSSSSS! *Ahem* Has anyone seen the youtube videos? Klaine got together FINALLY! Tariana Grace and I were celebrating for ages cause it's pretty obvious Finchel are gonna get back together and then our main ships are back together! We still haven't decided who we like Quinn with..thoughts, T? :)**_

_**So back to the point, everyone should watch Glee. Yeah.**_

Tanith swung her leg over her motorbike and ran up to where Valkyrie and Skulduggery were standing to the side of the Sanctuary, watching the mages file out of the building. ''What's the status?'' Skulduggery answered without turning around. ''The bomb's still active, Ghastly and Leo are herding everyone out of the Sanctuary before it goes off.'' Tanith shrugged out of her leather jacket and scanned the Sanctuary. ''Where is it?'' Valkyrie shook her head, looking worried. ''We're not too sure, but we think it's in the Grand Mage's office.'' ''I'm just ashamed I didn't put it there myself,'' muttered Skulduggery. Valkyrie frowned at him before continuing.

''We were waiting for you and Fletcher to arrive so we could try and make a start on getting to the bomb and trying to disable it.'' At that very moment, a certain Teleporter popped up out of nowhere. ''Hello bambinos,'' he beamed. ''This is no time for your Fletcheriteness, Fletcher. We've got a bomb in the Grand Mage's office and some mages are still trapped in the Sanctuary. Can you Teleport us into Guild's office?'' Fletcher considered this for a few minutes, stroking an imaginary beard. ''I suppose I could manage that.'' He grabbed the arms of Tanith, Valkyrie and Skulduggery and in the blink of an eye they were in the Mage's office. Valkyrie spotted the bomb first, almost hidden behind the desk and slowly ticking down. ''This is such a cliche,'' she murmured, setting it out so the other three could see it. Twenty minutes left.

''Can we just set fire to it or something? Or Tanith could do her withstand thing?'' Skulduggery shook his head. ''This is a bomb devised by a magic user, Fletcher. It can't be broken by our powers so we'll have to do it the old-fashioned way.'' He popped the cover of the bomb off the case revealing a mass of wires and tiny containers filled with bubbling liquids. ''Is it like the Desolation Engine?'' Valkyrie asked nervously. ''No. Not as powerful, but it could still blow the Sanctuary - and us - to smithereens.'' ''I think I knew someone called Smithereens,'' Fletcher sighed dreamily. The others didn't reply, too busy concentrating on the bomb. Fletcher scowled and stuck his iPod headphones in his ears, listening to Beyonce. He didn't get why they were so worried. They were the Skulleh Crew. They survived pretty much everything (apart from when Sanguine streaked at Ghastly's birthday party, but that was understandable).

He tapped Valkyrie on the shoulder. ''Val, can I borrow your mobile?'' She gave him a stressed look. ''Where's your own?'' He shrugged. ''I think a seagull flew off with it when I was at the beach last week.'' She groaned and passed him her BlackBerry. He grinned and flipped through her contacts until he found the number he was looking for. He pressed the call button and waited. ''Tanith?'' ''No, it's me! Fletcher!'' He heard a groan. ''Why do you keep calling me?'' ''I don't know, Shudder. Your voice makes me laugh.''

Anton cursed. ''Why aren't you helping the others with the bomb?'' The Teleporter looked over to where his friends were struggling with the many wires. ''I don't think they need me.'' He paused for a moment. ''Do you think I would look better as a redhead?'' ''Every pair of hands counts, I'm sure they would appreciate you-wait. What?'' ''Gingers are making a comeback, so I thought-'' ''Fletcher!'' Tanith yelled. ''We need a little help here!''

Fletcher waved his hand at her and resumed talking to Shudder. ''So could you find me hair dye shade 32? It's important I'm not bright red, just kind of bronze, I'm going for the Edward Cullen meets sophisticated Johnny Depp look-'' Shudder ended the call and Fletcher grinned as he thought of how cool he'd look. ''I am so thug.''

''Blondie,'' growled Skulduggery, gritting his teeth as the girls painstakingly tried to prise two wires apart, ''if you don't come here and help us trying to stop half the mages in Ireland getting killed, I will personally shave your hair off in the middle of the night.''

Fletcher stuck his tongue out at the skeleton. ''Imma get myself a wig then,'' he said smugly.

''You're still not from the ghetto, Fletch,'' sighed Tanith, rolling her eyes.

''Marshmallow,'' he replied.

''Whut?'' said Finbar, randomly appearing in the room then walking out again.

Skulduggery looked at Fletcher with a pissed-off look on his...skull. ''What are you talking about?''

''Teacake.''

Valkyrie resisted the urge to jump up and ram her head against the wall. _Since when did my life become like a Harry Potter Puppet Pals video? _she thought.

The bomb's quiet ticking pulled her back to it. Ten minutes to go. She knew Fletcher would Teleport them all out if they couldn't stop it but that would mean the rest of their friends dying. Ghastly, Leo, Ravel...her, Tanith and Skul got back to work, disabling wires as fast as they could. Fletcher sang Crazy In Love complete with ass-shaking moves. He watched Valkyrie as she pushed some long dark hair behind her ear. She really was pretty. But how could he ask her out?

*Flashback*

''Chuck, I need some help,'' Fletcher said, sitting down on his friend's sofa. ''I really like this girl, but she loves a skeleton.'' ''Tough break, man,'' sighed Chuck Norris, sitting down beside him. ''I remember being in a situation like this once...I was in a cage fight with a bear. And I defeated it...WITH THE POWER OF MY MIND.''

Fletcher almost fainted from the badassness of Chuck. ''But what do I do to get Valkyrie?'' Chuck scratced his chin. ''Well son, there's one rule I use that applies to all aspects of life.'' Fletcher leant forward, eager to learn some of Chuck's wisdom. ''If in doubt...roundhouse kick out.''

*End flashback*

The blonde wondered if all he should kick Valkyrie right now. Maybe not. She seemed kind of tense. ''We'regonnadiewe'regonnadiewe'regonnadie,'' Tanith yelled, holding onto Valkyrie. ''I have so many regrets! I haven't worn the Proenza Schoeler dress Ghastly bought me! My bed isn't made! I've never seen Brazil!'' Valkyrie patted her head as her eyes searched for some way to stop the ticking noise that seemed more dangerous than the box of wires and liquids that would explode in four minutes. Skulduggery's fingers flew over the contraption, but he shook his head. ''I can't do it,'' he whispered. Fletcher was in the corner listening to If I Were A Boy. ''If only,'' muttered Skulduggery, before sinking to the floor in defeat.

Suddenly, the music changed.

'' 'Cause if you like it then you should've put a ring on it, if you like it then you should've put a ring on it...'' Fletcher began doing the Single Ladies dance, copying the fabulous Kurt Hummel and pulling a move like he was roping something in, looking up then doing the roping move again. ''Oh oh oh, oh oh ohhhh oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh ohhhh,'' he sang, ending with an epic high-kick, which hit the bomb and sent it flying across the room. Tanith, Skulduggery and Valkyrie screamed, expecting the worst, but nothing exploded.

Skulduggery picked himsef up and tentatively made his way over to the bomb. It had stopped at 2:36 minutes. He turned around and looked at Fletcher who was still doing the dance, waving his hand in the air. ''Fletcher, you've saved us all.''

Valkyrie and Tanith stared in shock at him as well as he stopped the dance. ''Does this mean you'll buy my hair dye?''

_**I tried, I really did.**_


	37. You're Having My Baby: Glee Cover

_**Another little update :}**_

_**Amara - Cyprus! Can I come? *pouty face* You're so lucky -.- Well, we ARE supercool ass-kicking sorcerers! Yeah..**_

_**Tariana - Same, I think her and Sam are cute together, but her and Puck are best together :') And you totally got the supermegafoxyawesomehot thing right! Ahaha, a Fletch v. Kurt runway show...I have to write that now xD I got a Chris babes bobblehead YAYY :DD**_

_**I Two TheAlleyCat - Aw thankyou! I'm really glad you like it :)**_

_**Onyx Sprita - Whoot! I'm pretty sure your OC will be epic ;) Can I get a kebab?**_

Valkyrie grinned as she rocked her daughter. She had just given birth an hour ago and couldn't believe it.

She was gorgeous.

She had a tiny heart-shaped face, with full lips, button nose and huge dark eyes. Her hair colour was the same as Fletcher's, which slightly annoyed Valkyrie as he would probably boast about it for months and then try to smother her hair with gel.

Fletcher wasn't here right now - he was in London visiting old friends - but as soon as he heard she knew he would be back. Tanith appeared at her right hand side and gently took the baby. ''Val, you need some sleep. I can look after her for now.'' Valkyrie smiled at her friend and patted her daughter's head. ''Thanks, Tanith.'' ''Anytime. Though you should know that if I'm not Godmother I shall kick your ass.'' Valkyrie laughed again as she fell asleep.

Valkyrie yawned as she woke up, streched and smiled as she saw her baby beside her. She picked her up, and grinned as her blonde best friend entered the room. ''Val, he's here!'' Tanith squeeled. Valkyrie giggled along with her, ecstatic that Fletcher was about to see their child.

However, it wasn't Fletcher that entered the room.

A man, looking to be about twenty-eight and with baggy jeans flicked his hair back. He was an unhealthy white colour and wore the kind of gangster clothes Fletcher and Skulduggery loved. _Druggie _was the first thing that came to Valkyrie's mind.

''Hey baybee, sorry I'm late mah dealer was being a dewsh-bag and I was like fukket, so's dat mah little girl?'' _Oh crap, he is a druggie. _Valkyrie looked to Tanith for help, but the Adept was smiling proudly at her. ''Tanith, this isn't Fletcher,'' she whispered.

Tanith looked at her with a confused expression. ''Val, Fletcher was killed four years ago in the Belfast case, remember?'' Valkyrie gasped. ''But, he wasn't, he was in London and he was coming back because I gave birth and then this mug walked in-'' ''Hey,'' the mug protested, ''-and I don't know what's happening!'' Tanith leant down and smoothed her friend's forehead as a nurse entered the room.

''It's ok Val, you've just had a long day. Let Bobby take care of your baby.'' ''My kid's daddy is called Bobby! That's even worse than Fletcher!'' Bobby the frat-boy picked up her daughter and Valkyrie started struggling to sit up. ''No, give her back! Tanith, don't let him! WHERE'S FLETCHER? I want Fle-'' her yells were slowly cut off as the sedative the nurse had put in her drip took effect.

Valkyrie wrenched up on the sofa at Ghastly's, panting hard. Skul and Leo were watching TV and Fletcher was beside her listening to his iPod. ''Fletcher,'' she gasped, ''where am I? This isn't the hospital? Where's my baby?'' Fletcher's head snapped around to look at her. ''Baby? Oh shit, you're pregnant! Skulduggery's gonna kill me!''

She shook her head. ''No, I was in hospital, and I gave birth, and the father was some pimp-'' ''Ah, I'm definitely the dad then.'' She scowled at him then relaxed back down onto the sofa. ''It's fine, it was just a bad dream...''

In the kitchen, Tanith and Ghastly high-fived. Ghastly pushed the bottle of hallucinogenic pills down into his pocket. ''Best. April Fool. EVER,'' he chuckled.

_**What the hell was this? **_

_**I honestly don't know.**_


	38. Ignorance: Paramore

_**Amara - Yeah, I think I could manage that ;)**_

_**Devils sweety - Yup, this isn't gonna end anytime soon!**_

_**Mademise - Hmmm, I guess the EdCul/Johnny Depp look isn't for everyone? xD Also, haiii Margaret ;D**_

_**Tariana - Aw I will, it is my most treasured item xD**_

_**Onyx - YAY I GET ANOTHER KEBAB. WOOT!**_

_**Just looked at my **_**The Faceless Ones**_** book and the quote is - 'Her dad had been a big Thin Lizzy fan back in the 1970s, and whenever '**_**Whiskey In The Jar' **_**came on the radio, he's still sing along, albeit tunelessly.' Ah, I love Desmond xD**_

One beatiful day in Dublin, Ireland, Valkyrie and Fletcher were hanging out at the totally awesome Sanctuary. They were waiting for Skulduggery, Tanith and Ghastly to get back from some adult crap they were doing and in the mean time Valkyrie was texting and Fletcher was doing his yoga splits, or something.

Valkyrie looked up from her phone. ''Fletcher, what's that you're humming?''

Fletcher turned round. ''Um, it's Best Of Both Worlds, why?'' Valkyrie did her epic death glare at him. ''Please don't say you're singing Hannah Montanna.'' ''What's so wrong with that?'' ''She's terrible.''

''No, she isn't! She's really good!'' _Oh shiiiiit. She looks like she's about to eat me. _''Never say Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montanna is a good singer, or I will get Guild to rape you.'' She thought for a few seconds. ''Or I could just get Ghastly to knock you out with one of his loafers.''

''Pfft, whatever. Miley Cyrus is amazing. And totally fine.'' ''I'm just saying, if you ever sing that again I will have to do something horrible to you.'' Fletcher stood up, hands on hips. ''What kind of horrible thing?'' Valkyrie racked her brain quickly. ''I'll...eh...I'll lock you in my dad's car and put Thin Lizzy on repeat.''

*Flashback*

Fletcher, Valkyrie and Desmond were stuck in a traffic jam. Fletcher was having dinner with the Edgleys and they were driving back to Haggard when they had been caught in roadworks. Fletcher and Valkyrie were in the backseat talking quietly when Desmond exclaimed ''Oooh! I love this one!'' He turned the radio way up and Phil Lynott began yelling the chorus to Desmond's favourite song.

''WHACK FOR MY DADDY-O, THERE'S WHISKY IN THE JAR!''

Desmond screeched the lyrics, playing air guitar and headbanging violently. Fletcher clamped his hands over his ears as Valkyrie's dad murdered Thin Lizzy's song. Then buried it. Then dug it up. Them possibly hit it over the head a few times. A baby began crying in the distance.

*End Flashback*

Fletcher's eyes widened in horror. ''You wouldn't.'' ''Oh, but I would. That's what's gonna happen if you keep singing Hannah Montanna.'' ''Nah, you wouldn't. That's way too evil for you.'' She sighed. ''Fletcher, I will crack if you sing any more.''

''You get the beeest of both worlds-''

''Shut up.''

''Chilling it out take it slow-''

''Fletcher...''

''Then you rock out the show-''

''Fletcher, I'm warning you...''

''Mix it all together-''

''I'll be mixing your face and my fist together in a few minutes.''

''AND YOU KNOW YOU GOT THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS!''

''Gahhhhhh...''

Fletcher looked down in confusion. ''Valkyrie, why are you on the floor? Valkyrie? Hello? Oh, shit.''


	39. Blame It On The Alcohol: Glee Cover

_**This is dedicated to Tariana Grace for telling me I should do a sleepover one :) It's not gonna be that good cause I have exam stuff to do but I will try :L**_

_**Also the spoofing of the Dynamite lyrics was from her fanfic so that's her hilarious idea xD**_

_**I am so glad all of you share my unappreciation of Hannah Montanna/Miley Cyrus. Ugh. EW I JUST SQUASHED A BUG ON MY LAPTOP SCREEEN! That's horrible. I'm in my garden trying to get a tan and instead I am being ATTACKED by nature.**_

_**Um, and have a good time on holiday, Amara! **_

_**Anyway...on with the chapter...**_

''Cause this is sleepover, sleepover night, you're fighting for your life inside a...ehm..sleeping bag, sleeping bag, tonight!'' Fletcher sang, killing Michael Jackson as he spun around and tried to do the moonwalk. He set down tons of sleeping bags on the floor then straightened up and admired his handiwork. Tanith's flat was set out with drinks, snacks, makeup, magazines, DVDs and tons of other sleepover stuff. Tanith herself came through to the living room. ''It looks great, Fletch,'' she grinned. ''If you just put on the TV we should be ready for everyone...'' Tanith had decided to hold a sleepover for the original Skulleh Crew - her, Valkyrie, Skulduggery and Ghastly - but had invited Fletcher too.

The doorbell buzzed and Skulduggery and Valkyrie walked in, followed by Ghastly who held a huge crate of alcohol.

''Ghastly, hey! Where'd you get the beer?'' Ghastly grinned, already a little drunk. ''Stole it off Captain Jack.'' ''Eh, ok...''

An hour later and Tanith's apartment was a bit of a mess. Fletcher whirled Valkyrie around as he loudly sang ''I throw my girlfriend in the air sometimes singing ay-oo, lose some weight-oo!'' Valkyrie realised what he had just sung and socked him in the mouth, storming off.

Tanith was eating popcorn and watching Doctor Who while Skulduggery and Ghastly were dancing to Break Your Heart. When the chorus came on Ghastly got a bit mixed up with the lyrics...''I'm only gonna rape rape, your rape rape your car, I'm only gonna rape rape your rape rape your car...'' Skulduggery heard this and slowly turned round, his facade furious. ''WHAT DID YOU SAY?'' ''I'm only gonna rape rape your-oh.'' Ghastly winced as he remembered how protective Skulduggery was of the Bentley. ''I'm getting a slap now, amn't I?'' ''Yes.''

After everyone had calmed down slightly - Tanith knew all too well how Valkyrie and Skulduggery could get when they were angry - she said they should all get into their sleeping bags and play Truth Or Dare. ''Ok I'll go first,'' Skulduggery said. ''I'll pick dare.'' Valkyrie and Tanith put their heads together and whispered before laughing and looking up. ''Alright Skulduggery, fill your skull with pick and mix, and when we go to the cinema tomorrow you have to eat the sweets out of it.'' The skeleton groaned but obliged, pushing fizzy cola bottles through his eye sockets. ''Right, who's next?'' Valkyrie was sitting beside Skulduggery, so Tanith picked her. ''Truth or dare?'' ''I'm gonna go with dare.'' Tanith thought for a few moments then grinned. ''You have to go to the Sanctuary then paint your name across it.''

''WHAT? Guild will kill me!'' Tanith smirked. ''And your point is...?'' After picking up some cans of bright green paint the gang pulled up at the Sanctuary and got out of Ghastly's van. Valkyrie climed onto Ghastly's shoulders and painted 'VALKYRIE F-ING CAIN' right across the Sanctuary entrance. Fletcher cocked his head. ''It's got a sort of poetry about it,'' he grinned. Skulduggery and Tanith were holding onto each other and shaking with laughter, imagining the look on Guild's face when he came into work and saw it. Valkyrie shook her head at her friends then clapped her hands. ''Fletcher, your turn!'' ''Truth. No damn way am I gonna be painting anything else up there.''

This time it was Ghastly who came up with it. ''Fletcher, why on Earth are you so obsesed with your hair?'' Tanith and Skulduggery both quietened and straightened up. The wind seemed to die down. Finally, they would learn the reason of Fletcher's obsession. ''Well, it all started when I was one of Jedward's backing dancers.''

Valkyrie frowned. _What? _

''They were looking for a signature look to wear on the X-Factor and one day I applied a bit of hairgel while hanging upside down in the playpark. I turned the right way up and my hair was stuck IN THE SAME POSITION. I knew then I had discovered something revolutionary. So then I started wearing my hair like that all the time. I told Jedward that that should be their signature look and soon it caught on, and from then on I've never had flat hair.'' ''Um, ok. Weird. Moving on, it's Ghastly's turn.'' ''I think I'll do a dare.'' Fletcher whispered something in Tanith's ear and she giggled. ''You're right, he has to do that.'' She turned to Ghastly. ''When you're driving us back to mine, you have to cut ahead of all the traffic by pretending you're in a police car.''

The tailor shrugged. ''That's easy.'' Five minutes later they were speeding down one of Dublin's busiest motorways at over 90 miles per hour, with Ghastly leaning out of the window yelling ''Get out of the way! Police coming through! Move, suckas!'' The rest of the Skulleh Crew were in the back of the van laughing, listening to Like A G6 and getting drunk out of their minds. ''You guys are lightweights!'' Reia yelled, arriving through the wall of the van with Tariana and Amara. ''Whoaa fuck,'' mumbled Skulduggery. ''You can't handle your drinks! And anyway, everybody knows they aren't the right lyrics to Like A G6.'' ''They're not?'' Tanith asked, confused. ''Nut. We all know the lyrics are LIKE A DCRISS, LIKE A DCRISS, NOW I'M FEELING SO FLY LIKE A DCRISS!'' She roared the song and Amara helpfully bobbed a picture of Darren Criss behind her. Reia abruptly grabbed Tariana's arm and they jumped through the side of the van again.

''That was weird,'' Fletcher said, passing out another round of drinks. The van shuddered and they all pitched forwards as it stopped. The door was slid open and Ghastly's head appeared looking sheepish. ''Uh, we're back at Tanith's flat! Though I seem to have run into her neighbour's flowerbed...'' They all climbed out of the van and hopped across the fence to Tanith's apartment where Valkyrie had her best idea ever - ''LET'S PLAY STRIP POKER!'' They all whooped and thirty minutes later when Tanith's parents entered her apartment this was the scene they saw:

Tanith was upside down on the ceiling wearing a turban muttering Buddhist chants, Ghastly was in one of Tanith's dresses making a table rating the boobs of all the girls he hung out with on the wall, Skulduggery was in a giant plumed hat stabbing everything he saw with Tanith's sword and shouting ''Engarde!'' and Valkyrie was standing on a table stripping while Fletcher was at the table throwing money at her like some kinda pimp. ''THAT'S MAH GIRLFRIEND...ah love ya baby,'' he grinned, fixing his sunglasses. Tanith's mum looked shocked. ''Why does this happen every single time we come over?'' Tanith's dad wrapped an arm around her. ''I don't know baby, but let's boogie!''

''Everett, don't say you're drunk already.'' He shrugged. ''Skulduggery offered me a beer. I couldn't resist.'' He swooped off into a bromantic hug with Ghastly. ''Rhett, MY MAN!'' Skulduggery set down his sword and jumped up on the table. ''Oh hello, Valkyrie. Nice legs. Nom. Anyway, who agrees that we should finish off that bottle of Smirnoff I know Tanith has in her kitchen?'' They all cheered and started off to the kitchen, singing Blame It On The Alcohol.

The next day, Skulduggery woke up with a pounding in his skull. ''Where am I...?'' He looked to his side and saw three strippers sleeping beside him. ''Oh, not again.''


	40. Flirt: Pussycat Dolls

_**First off, big love to Lily-Snape-4Ever for all your great reviews :) Nah I'm not an author, I'm not cool enough to be one (sadface) but I love doing SP fanfiction. I'm glad you like Sexeh Skulleh too ;)**_

_**Mademise - Yeah, it's probably that song xD The 'rape your car' thing is a real-life story. I'm known to mistake things people say a lot (I thought my friend said ''What's the matter with Jimbob'' instead of ''Mmm this is yummy'' :L). When I was talking to my friends Maggie and Oonagh the latter started singing Break Your Heart and I thought she was singing 'rape your car'. Little bit of info for you there ;) The 'again' was a reference to chapter seven where Skulduggery gets stoned :L**_

_**Tariana - I was hoping you'd get that reference xD I love Artie :3 I'm probs gonna write a chapter with more of Tanith's parents now, so look out ;) Us chillin in the van, have a sudden urge to write about that now...**_

_**Thankyou They cant take all of me, Rubaline (can I come too and then we can have a totally epica Skulleh sleepover with the gang?) and Onyx for your deadly reviews too :)**_

_**I saw Klaine kiss XD In front of my very own eyes. AND IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. YAY for Klaineness.**_

''Ok Fletcher, you know the rules. No yelling. No Teleporting. No biting students. No using the excuse 'Because I'm awesome,' and absolutely NO hitting on teachers, MILF or not.'' ''Damn,'' Fletcher swore. ''rumbled already.''

Skulduggery put his hands on skinny hips. ''I'm warning you, Renn. If you try anything like that I'm pulling you out of Valkyrie's school immediately. I can't have a repeat of your incident lst week in the science lab...''

*Flashback*

''Hey guys, look what I can do with the Bunsen burner!''

*End flashback*

The Teleoprter sighed. ''Only _half _the lab burned down.'' ''You dimwit. What I'm saying is don't make trouble for Valkyrie at school.''

''I'll...try.''

''Hey, Fletcher.'' ''Hi, Valkyrie!'' Fletcher kissed his girlfriend on the cheek and sat down beside her for their history class. Mrs Meldrum walked in and wrote up their assignment on the board. ''This is to be completed for the end of the period, so I suggest you start now. No talking.'' The class settled down but five minutes later Valkyrie was tapped on the shoulder.

''What is it?''

Fletcher nodded his head at the paper he just pushed towards her.

_So...doing anything tonight? ;) - F_

She grined and quickly scribbled a reply, tacking on the first letter of her given name in case any of her classmates saw what they were writing.

**No, but I guess you're asking me on a date? - S**

_Nup, I was gonna ask if you wanted to 'practice magic' with me - F_

**Well, do I have to bring anything? :P - S**

_Condoms, obviously ;)__I'll be at yours for 8 and you better get your clothes off, unless I can do it faster xD - F_

''What is going on here?''

The two teenagers looked up into the glaring face of their history teacher. ''Just passing notes, Miss,'' said Valkyrie innocently. ''Hand it over.'' Fletcher rolled his eyes and passed the piece of paper to the teacher, ignoring Valkyrie's look of terror.

''So, this isn't on the subject you were meant to be writing about,'' smirked Mrs Meldrum. ''I doubt you'll mind if I read it out to the class?''

Without waiting for an answer, she cleared her throat, grabbing the attention of all the pupils. ''So, doing anything tonight? Capitalized F. No, but I guess you're asking me on a date? Capitalized S. Nup, I was gonna ask if you wanted to practice magic with me, capitalized F.''

The whole class winced, realising where this was going.

''Well, do I have to bring anything? Capitalized S. Condo-''

Mrs Meldrum blushed, stammering over the sentence as she looked in horror at her two students. The bell rang and Valkyrie and Fletcher sped out the classroom, Valkyrie laughing at the expression on her teacher's face. The rest of their classmates walked past them, patting Fletcher on his back and fist-bumping. ''Well, that was interesting to say the least,'' chuckled Valkyrie. ''Maths next?''

Valkyrie sighed as the note landed next to her head. She opened it up and saw it was written in the runes language Fletcher had taught her after watching some nerdy movie and becoming obsessed with elves and trolls. Roughly translated, it was something like:

_Rawr :D - F_

She shook her head then composed her reply in the same language of symbols, feeling amazingly dorky.

**Remember what happened last period? - S**

_I'll be careful, no-one will be able to read this anyway :P So...janitors cupboard, twenty minutes? - F_

**No! It's the middle of school! I've got homework to do at lunch! - S**

_All the better to get it over with sooner :} - F_

**You make a viable argument. I bring my handcuffs if you want :P - S**

Fuck yeah! But you left a pair there from when we were there last, remember - F

**Oh yes..how I could I forget ;) - S**

''Give me that note you've been passing to Stephanie for the last five minutes, Mr Renn.''

Valkyrie breathed a sigh of relief as Fletcher handed their maths teacher Mr Davidson the note, that they had written it in runes.

Mr Davidson raised an eyebrow as he studied it and pushed his glasses up onto his nose. ''Guys,'' he began, waving the note, ''I'm a big Lord of the Rings fan too.''

_Crap._

Two weeks later at the Santuary meeting and Tanith noticed Valkyrie and Fletcher sending flirty looks to each other as they passed a bit of paper down the table. She wasn't the only one.

Skulduggery (looking slightly, jealous, it has to be said) snatched the note up as he went past. The two didn't look concerned and waited until he put it back on the table again. ''You know,'' the Skeleton Detective said, one hand drifting towards his gun holster as he glared at Fletcher, ''you two aren't the only ones that can speak fluent French.''

Fletcher's face barely had time to drain of colour before Skulduggery lunged at him. The Sanctuary erupted into laughter as the Teleporter tried in vain to throw Skulduggery off, and Tanith looked down to the paper lying on the table.

_Voulez-vouz coucher avec moi? ;D - F_

'Will you sleep with me'. Tanith started laughing hysterically. Fletcher was gonna be getting one hell of a punchin'.

_**;)**_


	41. Turn It Off: Paramore

_**As always thanks for reviews, and putting up with my late updates (and thankyou Tariana and Mademise for putting up with my PMs - me talking about 'Skulduggery School Musical' to Tariana and my general lack of brains when talking to Mademise can't be easy to put up with) :/**_

_**I'm on work experience this week so I've been crazy busy. All the songs here are big on YouTube, so go look them up :) The videos I used were Friday (obviously :L), Leave Britney Alone, the Narwhal song and The Annoying Orange.**_

_**Onyx - Hugs, because I love fellow Gleeks and/or Klainers xD**_

_**Amara - I honestly don't know where a lot of the things in my head come from, and I don't want to, I scare myself enough already O_o But yeah, my friends and I do the rating guys thing too. We even have nicknames. There's Jubjub, Moto Moto, The Egg, Randall, Charlie, Babmbi, HGSITS...and believe me, there's a lot more.**_

_**I'm sending love out to Jussler, Holding on by a thread, EmRoxy and TatianaBlue for being supermegafoxyawesomehot and reviewing my story. All you guys are amazing.**_

Skulduggery, Valkyrie and Leo were waiting in the Sanctuary for Ghastly so the four could all and go out for coffee when there was a crackling overhead on the Sanctuary intercom. Valkyrie looked up and frowned. ''Is Guild making some announcement?''

Skulduggery shook his head at his girlfriend. ''The Grand Mage doesn't make announcements on the intercom system any more, usually he sends hate emails to people whenever he want sanything done.''

Nevertheless, there was some more crackling before something started playing over the intercom. Leo cocked his head to the side. ''Wait, is that...''

''CHILLING IN THE FRONT SEAT, CHILLING IN THE BACK SEAT, GOTTA MAKE MY MIND UP WHICH SEAT CAN I TAAAAKEEEE?'' ''Oh God,'' murmured Valkyrie, sliding down onto the floor. ''This is torture,'' Leo moaned, placing his hands over his ears as Rebecca Black sang in a voice so autotuned she sounded like Finbar's tiny toy robot.

''You do know it was me that originally wrote this song,'' scowled Fletcher, popping up beside Valkyrie. ''It was called Fletchday and personally I think it would have been a smash hit if my producers hadn't stolen the rights to it off me.'' Skulduggery waved him away. ''Fletcher, you are too dumb to function.''

Suddenly the song cut off and the group breathed a sigh of relief, before something else started playing over the speakers. ''LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE! Just leave her alone, because she is not well right now! All you people, you're ruining her and I'm not having it any more...if you have a problem, take it to me, because she is NOT WELL RIGHT NOW!'' There was a quiet chuckling sound sccompanying the video and Skulduggery and Valkyrie exchanged looks.

''Is Guild laughing?'' Leonardo asked with a sexy eyebrow raise. ''I think he is,'' replied Valkyrie, uneasy.

''Narwhals narwhals swimming in the ocean, causing a commotion, cause they are so awesome,'' (''Make it stop!'' Skulduggery yelled, shooting the intercom several times to no effect whatsoever.)

''Toodooloo mother fuckers, I'm off to buy a narwhal.'' And with that Fletcher Teleported away.

''Is it just me or does he get progressively stranger?''

''I don't know, too busy being weirded out over the fact that Guild is watching the Narwhal song.''

Valkyrie shrugged her shoulders then grinned. ''Listen, I think it's stopped!''

''Hey, apple!''

''Oh hell.''

_**Well, certainly not my best, or longest...but I'll make it up to you ;) In my next chapter do you want:**_

_**a) Tanith's parents**_

_**b) The Skul Crew going on an actual case for once**_

_**c) Thrashgrace times**_

_**I'll let you decide :)**_


	42. Mercy: Duffy

_**This is for my Sexybabe's birthday. You all know who I'm talking about. The one and only CHRIS COLFER! May his hotness live forever, and bless us with his adorable gay angel (you see what I did there Tariana? ;D) voice! *Runs up and smothers Chris in kisses, also gets his mobile number while at it***_

_**All together now...**_

_**HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR SEXYBABE, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! :DDD**_

_**I'm sorry, but as you can tell I am slightly obsessed with His Royal Babeness.**_

_**Evelina, Jussler, Mademise (of course I get it, no worries xD), Lily-Snape4ever, TatianaBlue, Tariana, Onyx, devils sweety (yeah I know the chapters have been shorter recently, I've been busy with a lot of stuff but hopefully this is long enough!), Em and Quiver (AVPM/S addict? High fiveeee! The reference was when that they were asking who it was that Skulduggery may have even loved the dialouge was kind of like in AVPS when Lucius was telling Drao who his real father was xD It's probably one of my most favourite AVPS scenes :3 And thanks for your reviews,they made me smile like a cazy person :}), as usual words don't express how much I love you guys.**_

_**This chapter is Thrashgrace but don't worry, the next chapter will be the Skul Crew and Tanith's parents :)**_

Vaurien Scapegrace asked Thrasher out on the sixth of April, 2011. Their first date was on the tenth of April, 2011. Vaurien was then given the you-break-his-heart-I'll-break-your-neck speech multiple times. In the that same day. By everyone Thrasher knew.

Vaurien checked his watch excitedly for the fifth time in two minutes. He knew it had taken him a long time to finally admit his feelings for Thrasher, but he eventually had and now they were going on their first date, if Thrasher would just hurry up getting ready and meet him by his car!

Suddenly, a shadow fell over Vaurien and he looked up. A tall, scarred man was looming over him. The term 'you're about to meet your maker'briefly flashed across Vaurien's mind but the man didn't start beating him up, so he figured he was safe.

''You've finally asked Thrasher out, have you? Good. Took you long enough.''

Vaurien gulped. He just knew that Thrasher would have a scary ex hiding somewhere.

''It was the same with me and Tanith but at least you knew he felt the same way. Nice car you have there. Shame if it got scratched. Which it won't, if you don't hurt Thrasher.'' Vaurien shook his head. ''I promise you right now, I am never going to hurt Thrasher. I really like him and ohsweetlordjustpleasedon'tdestroyme.''

The muscled man just stared him down for a few seconds then slowly started backing away, his eyes never leaving Vaurien's face.

''Good,'' he said, ''because I'll be watching. I'm always watching.''

When the man had vanished down the street, still walking backwards, Thrasher nervously ran a hand through his hair. Something deeply disturbing had just happened and he wasn't sure quite what it was.

''Hey, you.''

A hippie man had just appeared behind Vaurien's shoulder.

_Darn it, I just knew there would be Seven Evil Exes I would have to defeat._

''I thought you should know that if you do anything to my man Thrasher, I'll thwop you with my cushion. It's a pretty awesome cushion, I knocked a Necromancer out with it once, cushion torture it was.''

''Um, ok-''

''Sharon's gonna be wanting me back but if you even think about breaking Thrasher's heart BOOM will go your head...against my cushion.'' The guy flexed his weedy arms a few times then moved off.

''Hi Vauri-''

''PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!''

Scapegrace turned around, then relaxed. ''Oh, it's you. I'm sorry, I thought it was someone...else.''

His boyfriend gave a bemused smile then grabbed his hand. (Vaurien was sure he heard some growls coming from the bushes at this development.) ''So you're giving me a ride to our date?'' Vaurien remembered what the muscly man had said about scratching his car then started walking down the street, hand in hand with Thrasher.

''No, we're not taking the car. Let's go for a walk throught the park.'' Thrasher squeeled and Vaurien grinned at the sight of him so happy but paled when he looked up to the window of a nearby house. That wasn't a pair of binoculars pointing down at them, was it?

When they reached the park Thrasher smiled hugely and told Scapegrace he would be right back before rushing off to the playpark swings. Looking around, the zombie realised his fears had been answered. A dark-haired girl was approaching him with a scowl on her pretty face.

''Valkyrie?''

''Scapegrace. I just thought you should know, Guild gave me this specially.'' She opened her jacket and holstered inside was a gleaming gun.

''Is that a revolver?''

She smirked. ''Sure is. I also have in my pockets silver bullets, holy water and a stake or two. I know you're not decaying any more, but it can't hurt.''

Trying to get his breath under control, Vaurien gasped ''Look, I don't know what you people want with me but-'' Valkyrie flashed him a look that could _kill_.

''I'll have you know I'm one of the best fighters in Ireland. I can wrap your legs round your head and choke you with them, remember our time in the jail cell?''

Oh, he did.

''Thrasher has had a bit of a rough time and he's fragile right now, so you be careful how you treat him, are we clear?''

''Crystal.''

''Oh, don't get me started on how much I hate that girl,'' she muttered then stalked away.

After swallowing a few times - his throat had gone suspiciously dry - Vaurien picked Thrasher up from the swings and took him over to the ice cream stand. When Thrasher waited on a bench Vaurien walked up to the stand.

''Two chocolate chip scoops plea...'' Was that a skeleton in an apron?

The skeleton in the ice cream stall slowly reached out and silently filled two scoops with chocolate chip flavour and passed them over. Vaurien had no way of knowing, but he could just tell that Skulduggery was glaring at him. At this rate, he woudn't have been surprised if he found a horse head in bed the next morning.

''Thanks, Vaurien!'' Thrasher smiled at him after being handed the ice cream and Scapegrace felt himself smile back. It was worth all these bizarre death glares, just for him. ''Do you know that your friends are really...um...overprotective?'' Thrasher just laughed.

Walking past the duck pond Scapegrace felt his phone buzz in his pocket and checked the screen.

**Hello. This is Fletcher, Thrasher's friend. I know a lot about hair gel. Like, I could dump you in a tub of it far far away and nobody could stop you from drowning painfully and horribly and unnatractively. Believe me, put one foot out of line and I will Teleport you on a ride of your darkest hair gel-fueled nightmares.**

He looked up from the text and a man stepped into his line of vision just as Thrasher bent down to tie his shoelace. _Wait, didn't I see him at the Midnight Hotel? _

''If you hurt him, I will hurt you,'' he whispered in his ear. ''And believe me, I know how to cut a bitch.''

Vaurien didn't doubt it for a minute.

Half an hour later, and the pair were finally at the restraunt. ''I booked the tickets and everything, so we'll have a seat,'' smiled Scapegrace to his date as they entered. ''I think it's at this table right over here-''

_No. This isn't happening. I'm dreaming._

Every table, seat and stool around the table Vaurien had booked was full. To the left there was tables that held Valkyrie, the muscled man from earlier, someone that looked exactly like Leonardo DiCaprio, and two blondes sitting with what appeared to be half the mages from the Sanctuary. Did the scarred man just shake his _shoe _at him? On the couch a pale vampire and a blue see-through man sat with menacing expressions on their faces.

Sitting at a table near that was the hotel owner, someone that looked like Erskine Ravel, the hippie, that weird Texan hitman and a blonde with a vacant expression on her face. Tanith Low stopped flicking icecubes at China Sorrows long enough to throw a glare in his direction.

Wait. Was that Solomon Wreath dressed as a chef?

''Excuse me, sir? This came for you from that table over there.''

Scapegrace took the sheet of paper off the waiter and trembled as he saw the smartly-dressed figure tip his hat to him.

_Make him cry just once and I shall show you the true meaning of Skulmageddon._


	43. Looks Like Someone Has A Crush

_***Peeks head from around corner* Please don't kill me?**_

_**I know I havn't updated in about three weeks, but I was on a school trip (asking teachers if they had condoms in French, eating crepes with Evelyn and planking with Mickey Mouse, yes it was certainly eventful) :L Unfortunately I'm away again on Sunday (SUMMER HOLIDAYS HELL YEAH!) for a fortnight so no updates soon, but I promise I'l make up for it.**_

_**On another note, have any of you read The Mortal Instruments/The Infernal Devices series? I recently read Clockwork Angel from The Infernal Devices and was like ''BEST BOOK EVER GAHHHH''. Really, I havn't been this obsessed with a book since **_**Dark Days**_**. If you havn't read them yet, definitely check them out :)**_

_**This is dedicated to Evelina, for out totally awesome FaceBook and MSN convos ;D (See, I told you I'd update!)**_

Skulduggery really couldn't believe this.

It was _unbelievable_.

How could Valkyrie do this to him? He thought they had something. He wasn't quite sure what the something _was_, but it was something.

She was the Turk to his J.D.

The John to his Edward.

The Will to his Jem.

The '_Whut?' _to his Finbar.

Well, not really, 'cause Ghastly and him were that kind of best friends, but Valkyrie was never supposed to do this.

Date That Boy.

Skulduggery watched the two of them laughing on Ghastly's sofa, heads close and legs brushing together. He took a gulp of his scotch bitterly. Valkyrie said something to Fletcher then stood up, grabbing their empty glasses. He looked Fletchfused, though that was quite normal for Fletcher. ''Why are you standing up?'' She rolled her eyes. ''Why do you think?'' ''...You're the real Slim Shady?''

Resisting the urge to shout ''YOU ARE TOO DUMB TO FUNCTION,'' Skul made his way to the kitchen, surprised to see Valkyrie following him. ''Hey,'' she said with a smile.

''What do you want? Is Fletcher wanting to play Spin Like A Dalek again?'' She sighed. ''There's nothing wrong with liking Doctor Who-'' ''Well, he certainly puts the _tard_ in TARDIS.''

Valkyrie frowned. ''You're drunk.''

''The hell I am!''

She grabbed the (now empty) scotch bottle off him and dumped it in the bin. ''I just knewwe shouldn't have got China to make you the new-and-improved facade,'' she muttered, slamming the lid down.

''Fletcher can be a bit..._confused _at times, but you would miss him if he went back to London or died or-'' she broke off at his amused look. ''You overestimate me, Val.'' She put her hand on her hip and pouted angrily.

_God that's hot _muttered the perverted voice at the back of his mind that sometimes made appearances at times like this.

''Are you telling me you wouldn't be upset at all if Fletcher died?'' ''If Fletcher died I would party like it was 2000 again, baby!''

Another angry pout.

''Honestly, though...why do you like him?''

''Because he's _good._ He's pure and untainted and a unicorn is practically born every time he talks.''

''Are you trying to tell me Fletcher's nice, or that he's gay?''

She bit her cheek, a quirk of a smile passing across her face before she bit it back down. ''Were you dropped on your head as a child?'' He smirked, propping himself casually against the kitchen counter. ''Yes, into a pool of sexy.''

''You are absolutely ridiculous. Remind me again why we're partners?'' Skulduggery fanned his hands dramatically around in the air.

''Sorry, too much sexiness in one place. I have to cool myself down.'' Valkyrie flicked her hair back (_DAY-UM _went that pesky little voice) with a sigh of annoyance. ''I'd love to say your witty banter amuses me, but I can't.'' ''As I'd love to say Fletcher's hair is a masterpiece, but can't.''

The Boy himself, having just entered the room, made a _pfff _noise. ''My hair is awesome!'' Skulduggery snorted. ''Luckily for you, mirrors can't laugh.'' Fletcher's face dropped like a kicked puppy and Valkyrie scowled again at Skulduggery. ''Sorry Fletch, he's just been on the scotch again. You know how he can't control himself.'' ''That's true. You never know what might happen when I'm uncontrollable.''

A look of amusement showed on her face. ''I hope I won't find you in my bed tonight then.''

He shrugged. ''I make no promises.''

''WOAHH SEXUAL TENSION,'' bellowed a voice, Tanith announcing her and Ghastly's return from the shops.

Silence.

''Alright, before this gets any more awkward, I'm going to take Fletcher upstairs. It's about time he found out how to get into the bathroom.''

Shooting one last glare at Skulduggery, Valkyrie pulled her boyfriend from the room. ''Better keep an ear out for them,'' said the ex-skeleton, throwing himself down on a kitchen stool. ''They might end up having HGSITS.'' Tanith looked puzzled. ''What's HGSITS?'' ''Hot Gay Sex In The Shower,'' Ghastly clarified. ''But Fletcher's not a female.''

''With that amount of hairgel, he might as well be,'' Skulduggery grinned. Tanith raised an eyebrow. ''Am I sensing a crush here?'' His head snapped up. ''What? No! Am I that obvious?'' Tanith nodded her head sadly. ''Awww, shucks.''

''You're really drunk, aren't you?''

This time it was his turn to do the sad nodding.

''I don't know why she picked Fletcher! I mean, look at me. Am I not perfection? Yes, I am. Stupid question. But fuck my mother, my brother, my sister and her lover, she chose _him_! Over me!'' Ignoring Ghastly and Tanith's exasperated looks, he ploughed on in his self pity.

''I can shoot fire and and break it down like a sexy mo' fo' on the dancefloor and fly like Godamn Superman and all he can do is save her the price of airline tickets and decrease her brain cell count at an alarmingly fast rate!''

From upstairs, singing could be heard.

''Rolling in the deeeep!''

''Fletcher, get out the bathtub.''

Skulduggery threw his hands up in the air. ''You see my point?''

Tanith petted him on the shoulder. ''Skul, we all know that you like Valkyrie very much-'' ''Yeah, there was even a Valduggery appreciation society on SkulBook,'' Ghastly chipped in,

''-but you have to accept that she's with Fletcher now. So just go out, have some fun and remember that she isn't your whole life.''

''Or I could just murder Fletcher. I'm so hard, even my own nightmares are scared of me.''

She shook her head. ''Killing Fletcher isn't the answer, no matter how tempting it might be.'' Ghastly looked slightly disappointed, but said nothing.

''So you're telling me I should go out and have some drinks?'' Skulduggery looked at the swordswoman with a sly expression. She scratched her head. ''Well, I said go out and have some fun, but I suppose a few drinks wouldn't be a bad idea-''

''That's all the permission I need!''

With a whoop, Skulduggery was out the window.

Tanith sighed. ''I really shouldn't have said that, should I?''

Ghastly put his arm around her.

''If it's any consolation, he might manage to only burn down half of Dublin.''

''I REGRET NOTHING!'' Skulduggery yelled, partying hard next to Leo and swinging around the strip club pole.

Chatting up Valkyrie could wait for the morning.


	44. A Very Skulduggery Birthday

_**This is dedicated to a very special someone...my fellow stalker of the Babes, amazing writer, Kurtsie and one third of the Tringle of Kurtness...the epica Tariana Grace! HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOR YESTERDAY WHOOP!**_

_**Yeah, I kinda failed on the posting-on-your-birthday-thing, my flight was delayed so I got hom later than expected, but I typed like a demon to get it posted now ;)**_

_***virtual hugs***_

''Come on, guys.''

''No, don't put the cake there, you cretin!''

''Are you serious? These loafers cost me-''

''Oh yeah, stick it right in there.''

''That's what she said!''

Now, while this may sound like a normal day in the life of the Skul Crew, it was anyhing but. The Sanctuary had been turned into a buzzing hive of party streamers, magical floating trays of ice cream and half-empty cans of paint.

And it wasn't even because Caelan had died.

Valkyrie checked over the birthday to-do list and smiled in satisfaction. Everyone was present and accounted for, the decorations were nearly complete and Guild was locked securely in his office where he couldn't be his usual douchey self and shut down the party.

She cocked her head to the side and heard him pounding at the door while swearing fluently. Yeah, he wouldn't be bothering them for a while. Valkyrie felt a hand on her arm and turned to see Fletcher. ''Hey babe,'' he grinned, checking the list she held. ''Is that everything? You look great, by the way.''

Looking down at herself self-consciously, she half-smiled. ''Thanks.'' She wore a black mid-length dress she'd picked out _all by herself_ the week before (Tanith had weeped tears of pride - ''My work here is done'').

''Ghastly told me to tell you that they've finished putting the banner up.'' She looked to the top of the hall where Ghastly and Ravel gave her the thumbs-up. The giant 'Happy Birthday Tariana!' banner stretched right across the length of the makeshift stage and glowed a deep purple. When asked about the origin of the purple paint Finbar had shook his head. ''You don't wanna know, man...''

Giant balloons crammed the ceiling and hundreds of jars with pictures of Kurt and Blaine on them filled the tables that took up the floor. (Valkyrie had questioned what these jars actually _were_, but Reia had just waved her away.) The Sanctuary hall was large enough that it held the eight-hundred-or-so sorcerers that were dressed up to their very best. Valkyrie had to admit, they were a fine-looking bunch.

She felt her phone vibrate in her dress pocket and flipped it open - it was a text from Reia saying they were just entering the Sanctuary. Valkyrie kissed Fletcher's cheek before getting up onto the stage and taking the microphone.

She cleared her throat and the laughing and chatting sorcerers turned to her, falling silent. ''I just got a text from Reia, and her and Tariana are going to arrive in a few minutes. So Erskine, get near the doors so you two can do the obligatory happy-birthday makeout, Skul, you can turn off the lights, and Fletcher, you know I love you, but please stop eating the cutlery.'' There was a ripple of laughter and Fletcher turned a deep shade of red.

Skulduggery checked to see if they were all ready before he flipped the light switch. There was a _thwap _sound as Shudder tried to make out with someone and was smacked around the head.

Silence fell, and then there was the sound of heels clicking along the corridor outside. Everyone tensed when the doors opened, and as the lights flared they all jumped up, yelling ''SURPRISE!''

''OH MY HOLY HUMMEL!''

Tariana, who had just entered the room, grinned as she looked around. ''You guys! This is all for me?'' She wore an amazing short purple dress that flared in at the waist with a silver charm bracelet and shoes that made Ghastly tremble with envy. Reia laughed and raised her eyebrows.

''Did you honestly not wonder why I made you get dressed up and took you to the Sanctuary?'' Tariana shrugged. ''Well, I figured we were just gonna light a few fires and mess up the Grand Mage's office like we always do.''

Down the corridor Guild banged against the door even harder at that, but everyone ignored him as usual.

Ravel was the first one forward and he picked Tariana up, spinning her around. With a smile he said ''Happy birthday, Tariana,'' before the two started kissing. Anton got in a few wolf whistles before Wreath coughed and they broke apart with sheepish grins.

Almost immediately Tariana was swamped by the others - Valkyrie, Skul, Tanith, Fletcher, Shudder, Sonia, Ghastly, Leo, Thrasher, Scapegrace and Clarabelle, converging on her with hugs and excited screams, even if most of the latter were from Thrasher.

''Now come on,'' hollered Anton, grabbing his girlfriend/prostitute of the night, ''this is supposed to be a party!''

''First we've got a surprise for you.'' Reia winked as she and Valkyrie marched Tariana over to the front of the stage where a huge parcel wrapped up with a silk bow waited. ''What's this meant to be?''

Tanith smirked and tapped the box twice. There was a bang and Kurt Hummel burst out of the box, hands upraised to the ceiling. The room burst into applause and Tariana's eyes widened even further as she ran to hug the Supreme Babe.

''How did you even get him to do this?'' Valkyrie whispered to Reia, still clapping. ''Well, him and Blaine were coming to the party anyway...though I may have bribed him to give himself as a birthday present with a few Marc Jacobs jackets.''

Valkyrie wisely said nothing.

After everyone had sat down at the tables and the seating disputes (''I'm not sitting next to Finbar! He eats like a squirrel on crack!'') were settled, the waiters entered the hall and made to the tables. The top table, directly in front of the stage, burst into laughter as Billy-Ray Sanguine, wearing an apron and stockings, stepped up to them with a scowl. ''Hello, my name is Billy-Ray Sanguine and I'm gonna be your server tonight.''

Skulduggery and Ghastly high-fived. '' Best punishment for criminal activity I ever thought of,'' the tailor chuckled. ''And when tonight's over, we get to arrest him for public indecency!'' They laughed again, causing Billy-Ray Sanguine to shoot glares at everyone on the table. As he took their orders and oved away, the lights dimmed, leaving only the candles on the tables and the stage lights to illuminate the room.

There was movement onstage and Hayley Williams walked up to the microphone, the other members of Paramore behind her. Most of the younger mages started cheering and Tariana looked over the table. ''How did you get Josh and Zac to ply with them? And how are you even paying for all this?''

Erskine shrugged. ''We're just charging it to the Grand Mage's account. No-one really cares if he goes bankrupt.''

''Hey there guys,'' Hayley grinned. ''We've been told thatour memories of this past week are getting wiped tomorrow morning, so we're just gonna live it up tonight!''

There was a burst of cheering at this and Paramore launched into their set.

''I love this song!'' Tanith exclaimed as Billy-Ray returned with their food, stiffly setting it down in front of them.

Kurt looked down at his food with a horrified look on his face. ''Is that _mayonnaise _on my salad? It completely destroys my complexion! Can you take it away and have it removed?''

Sanguine tok Kurt's plate with a scowl, but Tariana and Reia started glaring at him, so he re-arranged his features into a tight smile. ''Of course, sir,'' he forced out. The girls nodded at him approvingly. ''Did you hear that? He called me sir. I could get used to this.'' Blaine smiled indulgently at his boyfriend and patted him on the hand.

In the middle of a conversation with Shudder and Ghastly, Valkyrie felt a tug on her elbow. She turned to see Fletcher biting on his lip with a worried expression. ''Val, the other guy at this table, the one with hair almost as awesome as mine - I think I'm gonna start calling him Gay Fletcher - has made me really nervous with all his obsessions with food and stuff.'' He looked intently at his glass of coke. ''Do ice cube have calories?''

Before Valkyrie's jaw could hit the table Anton started laughing. ''What do you run on? Because I've checked for clockwork machinery and if it's not that or brain cells then it must be something unholy. I suspect Red Bull.''

Before she could tell Anton off, Tariana announced she was going to the bathroom to retouch her makeup. ''OK, quickly, someone go and get the presents,'' Tanith said in an urgent tone. Skulduggery, Valkyrie and Shudder left the table to the side room the presents were stashed in. Skulduggery opened the door...and the room was empty.

There was silence.

Who would be that idiotic, be stupid enough to have lost the presents?

''Fucking Renn,'' muttered Anton.

When questioned, Fletcher looked Fletchfused. ''But I put the presents where you told me to,'' he protested. ''I put them in the loud room.''

Valkyrie frowned. ''No, I said put them in the long room. The _long _room. What do you even mean, the loud ro-''

_Oh crap._

Almost as one, the group turned to face the direction of Guild's office, his thumping and yells still within hearing, even over Paramore's music. ''We're going to have to go in there, aren't we?'' Erskine sighed.

While Klaine, Fletcher, Leo, Reia, Anton and Skul went on Mission Impossible Four to get the present's out of Guild's office, the others would keep Tariana busy.

Fletcher adressed the group. ''I reckon we have twenty minutes until we're meant to give Tariana the presents, so we should get in there, make fun of Guild, then get out.''

''Faultless logic,'' mumbled Anton.

Creeping along the hall to Guild's office, Skulduggery paused with one hand on the door knob. ''Guys, in case we don't make it out, I just want to tell you that I've, ah - become quite attached to you, and - well-'' Shudder sighed impatiently. ''Oh for God's sake Skul, we know you'd have a sexyass orgy with us. Now move.'' The hotel owner shoved Skulduggery aside and turned the key in the lock.

Thurid Guild stood before him, shirt ripped and exression murderous. ''You die today, wench!'' He roared and through Anton across the room. ''Oh my God,'' Reia gasped, ''he's gone mad!'' ''Pfft,'' said Skulduggery in a bored tone. ''You should see him drunk on a Friday night at Roarhaven's over-300's bar.''

''At the _wha_-''

The two were cut off as a screaming Fletcher was thrown over their head. Guild marched towards them, snarling. The two sorcerers flinched, and suddenly Leo was standing in front of them.

The Grand Mage faltered, all his rage at being locked inside his own office evaporating. ''Are you - you're not Leonardo DiCaprio, are you?'' Leo shrugged modestly and Thurid sucked in a breath as Kurt and Blaine joined them.

''You have nice hair...'' He walked forward unevenly and reached out with one hand, fluffing Kurt's quite frankly gorgeous locks. Skulduggery quietly inched around the Grand Mage over to the cupboard.

He pulled it open and nodded with satisfaction when he saw the giant pile of wrapped presents labelled in Fltcher's handwriting with 'Do not touch plz' signed by 'The Sexy One'. The Skeleton Detective gathered them up in his arms and turned towards the room.

Blaine and Reia had dragged Anton and Fletcherout of the room where they were stirring groggily on the floor. Guild sat on the carpet of his office, a scared-looking Leo on his lap and Kurt beside him, hair still being stroked fondly.

At the skeleton's nod Kurt moved to his side and they looked down at the entranced Grand Mage and Titanic Babe.

''You don't have to sacrifice yourself like this, Leo...''

The actor swallowed. ''It's OK, Skul. I was born to do this.''

Fletcher put his head round the door. ''Really? 'Cause I thought you were born to be King of the World-'' ''Not now,'' Blaine said sadly, laying a hand on Fletcher's shoulder. ''Today, he was born to save us all from a fate worse than death, and possibly that too, while looking cute the whole time.'' Kurt frowned, and Blaine kissed his forehead. (Reia fainted from the Klaineness and there was the tinkling sound of Klaine jars breaking in the hall.)

''You know I'm a one-man guy, Kurt.'' Fletcher grew misty-eyed. ''You two are just so cute, you almost make me wish I like boys.''

Reia opened one eye and looked at him. Fletcher paled. ''You better not tell Valkyrie I said that.''

''Wouldn't dream of it.''

Skulduggery came out into the corridor, closing the door behind them. They heard Guild faintly cry ''He looks like an angel!''

''We better get going.'' Skulduggery gestured to the presents in his arms. Fletcher, Kurt, Blaine and Reia started up, but a certain hotelier remained on the floor. Skulduggery sighed. ''Shudder, we know you're pretending.''

Anton didn't get up.

''There's several exotic dancers at the bar performing a striptease...''

Anton got up.

The present-giving was a success, with notable presents being a signed picture of Scapegrace in hiz Zombie King crown and a tiny bone from Skulduggery's foot (''I don't just give these out to anyone, you know,'' ''Yeah, 'cause your foot would fall apart if you did.'' ''That's disgusting,'' muttered Valkyrie).

Eventually after all the presents were unwrapped, the tables were pushed back to the side of the room and Tariana, Valkyrie, Sonia, Reia and Tanith lead the way onto the dancefloor.

They were dancing to _Ignorance _when Leo finally joined them, pushing past China and Wreath who were doing a very energetic twist, throwing himself with a cry of ''Wahey!'' onto the bro group of Skul, Ghastly, Fletcher, Ravel, Shudder, Kenspeckle, Thrashgrace and Finbar - Kurt and Blaine were with the girls. Caelan was just dancing warily by himself on the edge of the group, hoping no-one noticed him.

As the night wore on the band were given a break and a kareoke booth was set up, causing all the sorcerers that knew about the Skully Crew's history with kareoke to groan.

Klaine, wearing matching Klaineiariana (Skulduggery scrawled a 'wen' onto the end - ''We have to remember the beastness that was Klaineiarianawen at Dalton,'' he explained) t-shirts, serenaded a swooning Tariana and Reia with _Klaine: The Greatest Hits _(_Baby It's Cold Outside_, _When I Get You Alone_, _Hey Soul Sister_, _Candles_, _Don't You Want Me_, etc.), Skulduggery and Leo did their famous _My Heart Will Go On _duet and the bro group plus Wreath and the five girls raised the roof with their swag tunes, as Skulduggery called them, including a giant shuffle to _Party Rock Anthem_.

When Skulduggery and Fletcher had to be carried off after their dance-off got a bit intense, Paramore took the stage again. Erskine murmured something to the band and they nodded, starting _Only Exception_.

Ravel and Tariana, Thrasher and Scapegrace, Kurt and Blaine, Dusk and Caelan, Valkyrie and Fletcher and Tanith and Ghastly began slow dancing with other couples. Skul and Anton started an epic congo line which only finished when Finbar tripped into Skulduggery. ''The fuck bruhh?'' ''...Whut?''

Slowly, one by one, people started to drift away into the dark streets of Roarhaven after hugging Tariana and wishing her a happy birthday again. Finally, it was just the Skul Crew left. They looked at the mess around them. Smashed coke bottles, cake smears on the walls and the unconscious High Priest Tenebrae hanging from balloon streamers on the ceiling.

Thrasher yawned. ''Well, I'm sorry friends, but I think I'll head to bed. Vaurien?'' As the two left the hall, Scapegrace turned, winked, and made some...suggestive...moves behind Thrasher's back that left left no-one in any doubt what the zombies woul be getting up to later.

''How is he even going to wrap his leg that far up...'' Ravel whispered in a slightly horrified voice.

Shudder smirked. ''Well, 'Skine, it gives me great pleasure to explain that specific move to you. I call it the 'Slippery Meatloaf' and-''

Ravel slapped a hand over his mouth. ''Thanks, but there are impressionable teenagers here, my girlfriend included.'' Anton winked. ''Well I don't have a problem-'' ''No threesomes.'' ''Damn you.''

In the end they just left a grumbling Sanguine clean up, watched over by the giggling Clarabelle. ''Aren't you worried he'll try to hit on her?'' Ghastly asked with a worried expression as they left the building.

Shaking his head, Skulduggery answered, ''He isn't Anton.'' They all looked at Anton. He shrugged, then nodded. ''Meh. he speaks the truth.'' ''Besides, I gave her a taser just in case.'' Tariana looked surprised. ''Where'd you find that?'' ''Oh, it's Anton's.''

The group turned to Shudder again. He raised his eyebrows with a smirk. ''Really, why are you even surprised?'' After Valkyrie hailed a taxi and gave directions they all piled into the back, which might not have been the best idea.

Tariana, Reia, Kurt and Blaine had linked arms and fell to the bottom of the taxi in a giggling mess. Fletcher stopped to fix his hair and Tanith and Valkyrie tripped over him, bringing Ghastly with them. Sonia screamed ''Wheeeeee!'' and scrambled in, causing a series of groans and cursing. Leo, Ravel and Skulduggery climbed carefully in though somehow managed to get trapped under the others and Anton of course took one look at the struggling mass and jumped on top with a cry of ''FOR CASANOVA!''

The taxi set off and everyone pitched forward, yelling. ''So ladies,'' came Anton's deep tone. ''All that's left to do is for you to take your clothes off.'' He shifted and Tariana squeaked. ''Dude!'' Ravel yelled, ''Get your junk out of my girl's face!''

''So still not interested in that menage a trois?'' Erskine made a face. ''Anton, you're my best mate, but _really_?''

''Come on, I'm having the time of my life. I can touch random body parts from the safety of my seat and no-one knows that it's me!'' Tanith suddenly hissed in pain. ''Skulduggery you spongle, that's my knee. Can you try to stop flailing?''

Skulduggery twisted over so he was sitting on Fletcher's face. ''Well I could, if you would all stop writhing about on top of me like the world's largest, strangest, orgy!''

''Sounds interesting,'' grinned Anton.

''Hello?'' Suddenly they were all very aware that the taxi had stopped moving and that Desmond Edgley's head was staring through the taxi window at them. ''What's going on?'' Valkyrie's eyes widened. ''Damn, I must've given directions to my house instead of Gordon's.'' She turned to her father. ''Dad, this is just a dream. You're going to finish putting the rubbish out, and then go to bed and forget all about this, okay?'' She twisted her head round. ''Go driver, go go go!''

The taxi sped off, and Desmond dropped the black bin bag into the trash and slowly, slowly, turned around back into his house and into bed. Melissa pulled the blankets up sleepily as he settled in. ''Hey Des. Finished putting the rubbish out?''

He scratched his head. ''I think I was sleepwalking. Just had the weirdest dream. Stephanie was in a taxi with a skeleton, five crazy teenagers and Leonardo DiCaprio.'' Melissa yawned. ''You were probably hallucinating. Remember when you told me you had seen George Clooney when you were actually looking in mirror?'' Desmond sighed with a chuckle. ''Night, Melissa.'' ''G'night.''

''And there was a blonde woman in leather with a really impressive chest!''

''In case you don't know Des, I'm glaring at you.'' He nodded sheepishly. ''Yes dear.''

The taxi pulled up at Gordon's house and after paying the annoyed driverthey straggled up to the estate, tumbling into the living room. Leo and Tanith made popcorn and the gang somehow managed to all make it onto the couch.

Gordon entered the room and his jaw dropped when he saw all the mages on the couch. (Well, Skulduggery was hovering four feet above them on the air, but still.) ''What's going on here?''

Valkyrie held up a DVD case. ''We're just about to watch _Hot Fuzz_. It's kind of our signature movie. Want to watch it?'' Gordon smiled and went to the side of the couch. ''Hey guys,'' Tanith said as Skulduggery drifted down to sit on Valkyrie's knee, ''as sappy as it is, I just wanted to let you all know I'm really glad we're friends.'' Valkyrie smiled. ''Me too.'' Everyone chimed in with agreements and Anton yelled ''GROUP HUG!''

Laughing, the whole group embraced, Gordon choosing to pat people's backs instead. ''Well thanks guys, it's been an epic night,'' grinned Tariana. ''Happy birthday!'' Everyone shouted it again, and she shook her head. ''Guys, it's three a.m, my birthday's over.''

''It's over when the sun goes up. Until then, we can still eat as much birthday cake as we want!'' Tariana laughed as Reia shoved cake into her face and in a few seconds the room was full of screaming, laughing, flying popcorn and pizza, film forgotten.

''Ah, I love sexy food parties,'' Anton said fondly, before pouring half a slushee into Skulduggery's eye sockets.

Guild sighed as he left the Sanctuary. He had a huge headache and was pretty sure he's seen Billy-Ray Sanguine in drag sweeping up brokem plates in the main hall. Moving out to his car, he was stopped by a young dark-haired man stepping in front of him.

''Hey man,'' Josh Farrow began, ''can you help me? I think I've lost my bandmates...'' ''Oh,'' said Guild with the beginnings of a grin. ''You're cute.''

Josh swallowed.


	45. Meeting the Parents

_**THE RETURN OF TANITH'S PARENTS! Last seen (albeit for about thirty seconds) in chapter thirty-nine, I've put them in here too. This is set before the events of chapter thirty-nine and before the parents knew Tanith and Ghastly were dating.**_

_**Bahbey (yep, you know that's you Eve!), I'll be writing that chapter we talked about soon ;)**_

_**Shout out to Vanessa who now FOLLOWS ME ON TWITTER :DD I don't know what kind of chapter you would like, but if you have any suggestions for chapters I'll totally write them for you :3**_

_**The **_**Prisoners of Azerbaijan **_**belongs to the great Onyx Sprita (:**_

''I really have a bad feeling about this.''

''Same, I'm getting bad vibes too.''

''Fletcher, you just drank three Slush Puppies, it's no wonder you're getting bad vibes.''

The Skul Crew were in Ghastly's van travelling through rural Southern England to meet Tanith's parents at their home near the small town of Fareham. Skulduggery, Leo, Valkyrie and Fletcher were in the back playing Cruise, Marry, Shag - Skulduggery had just gotten Remus Crux, the Sea Hag and Cleric Quiver and was taking time answering - and Ghastly and Tanith were in the front seats arguing. After their hook up last month it would be the first time meeting her parents as a couple, and Ghastly was getting cold feet. (Well, he wasn't literally getting cold feet, his exquisite loafers were much too luxurious for that.)

''I'm just not sure, Tanith. It's a little hasty, don't you think? Can we just wait another month or so to tell them? I don't know if your dad likes me very much...''

''Of course he does!'' Tanith exclaimed this positively, but her tone faltered slightly.

''Still, now isn't the right time. Just one more month?''

She kissed his nose gently. ''Fine.''

They pulled up at the house when Fletcher's Spongebob watch showed one p.m. They were waiting for them outside, arm in arm and smiling. Tanith launched herself into her parent's arms, all three squealing excitedly. Everett Night, brown-haired and handsome and Roxanne Honour, who was the mirror image of Tanith, just twenty years older and wearing less leather, both beamed as they greeted the Crew.

''Hi Skulduggery!'' Everett waved vigorously at the skeleton before grabbing him in a hug. He released him then turned round to face the tailor. His eyes narrowed. ''Ghastly.''

''I TOLD YOU,'' he whispered to Tanith then smiled charmingly at Everett. ''Hello Everett. Long time no see!'' ''Yes, there's a reason for that,'' he said and Roxanne scowled and pushed him. ''I'm sorry Ghastly,'' she said, leaning in to give him a hug and kiss on the cheek, ''don't mind him. If you'll all come in we'll show you to your rooms!''

The others grinned and followed her, though Ghastly opted to stay hidden behind Tanith, scared loaferless all because of the point-to-eyes-then-point-to-Ghastly-threateningly look that Everett had just sent him. _Well, this is going to be fun._

''Skulduggery my boy, this is your and Valkyrie's room,'' Everett winked at Valduggery before moving on to the one across the hall. ''Fletcher, you little rascal, this one's yours.'' He ruffled Fletcher's hair and Ghastly swore the Teleporter's eyes _sparkled_. ''Will you ruffle my hair again please Mr Night?'' ''Sure, kid,'' Everett laughed. Ghastly thought he might just be sick.

''Leo, you're here, I thought you might enjoy the view.'' ''Thanks, sir,'' smiled the actor before ducking into his doorway.''Tanith honey, you know where your bedroom is!'' Tanith smiled at her father and disappeared into the bedroom beside Fletcher's.

''Ah, Bespoke.'' Everett looked at him for a few short seconds before pointing down the hall. ''That's your room.''

Ghastly internally groaned. ''You mean my room is at the end of the corridor?'' Everett smiled with such convincing charm that in that moment Ghastly knew Tanith's father had to be some type of evil demon. ''No, I mean your room is down the corridor and up the stairs in the attic. Be careful though, I'm pretty sure there's a few gaps in the floorbeams. Having you fall through and kill yourself would be...unfortunate.'' Ghastly tried to make light of the tense atmosphere. ''That it would be.''

''Indeed. I'm sure someone, somewhere, would care.'' And with that Everett Night walked off.

The tailor shook his head in wonder. ''That man has got it in for me,'' he muttered under his breath before dragging his cases (_Hey, forty-two pairs of shoes wasn't that much) _down the corridor.

The next morning Ghastly headed down to breakfast early, hoping to avoid Everett. When Ghastly pushed open the door he grinned as Skulduggery's distinct tones joined in with Michael Jackson's on the radio, filling the kitchen that was only occupied by himself and Valkyrie. ''I'm bad, I'm bad, I have so much swag...'' ''I'm pretty sure these aren't the words,'' Ghastly said as he sat down and pulled a rack of toast towards him.

Waving his hand in the air, his best friend tilted back in his seat beside Valkyrie. ''Details, details.'' He turned to Valkyrie and Ghastly could sense the laughter in his tone as he said ''Those with less swag than I are often exceedingly jealous. I once tried to get Ghastly sew a 'Danger: Too Much Swag' sign onto the back of my suit but he refused. Le sigh.''

Valkyrie giggled. ''So you had it put on the Bentley's license plate instead? You make no sense at all.'' Skulduggery mock gasped, placing a hand on his chest and acting offended, and Ghastly smiled to see his two friends having fun.

The three talked over coffee for a while before the door swung open and Tanith danced in, Leo closing the door behind her with a yawn. ''Morning,'' she smiled and sat down beside Ghastly, kissing him sweetly on the mouth. ''Ugh,'' came an English voice behind them. ''Roxanne, I now know what morning sickness feels like.'' Ghastly turned to see Everett scowling at him. ''Really Bespoke, that's not a thing I like to see before eleven a.m. Or at all.''

His wife swatted at his arm. ''Shut up, Everett! Honestly.'' Roxanne sat down at the table and smiled at the mages. ''So what are you all thinking of doing today?''

Leo, who was inhaling the blueberry muffins, looked at Tanith. ''What was it you were talking about when we were heading to the kitchen?'' Tanith streched. ''I was thinking of taking them into the town, you know, show them where I grew up?''

''I thought you grew up in London?'' Fletcher, his hair in rollers, had just materialised beside her. Everett turned round from the instant coffee machine and swore, spilling his hot drink, though the others were so used to the creepy sight of pre-completed morning ritual Fletcher they hardly batted an eyelid any more.

Budging up to let the Teleporter squeeze in beside her, Tanith shook her head. ''I count London as my home'' - she smiled at her Irish friends - ''as well as Dublin, of course. But I grew up here in Fareham.'' ''Then I guess we'll be exploring the joys of Tanith's quaint rural hometown today!'' Valkyrie rolled her eyes at Skulduggery's enthusiastic tone and Ghastly couldn't help but do the same. _I've only taken three pairs of shoes with me suitable for walking through mud. THREE. Dear God, I really don't know how I cope._

It was when they got back that Ghastly noticed something was wrong. Skulduggery was looking at some video of dancing kittens on his iPhone that only he found funny, Leo was playing with his toy ship and Fletcher, Valkyrie and Tanith were having another debate on which films were better - right now it was Spiderman 2 versus The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift. Ghastly climbed out of the van and immediately a smoky smell hit him. Fletcher, who was protesting ''But they've got _cars_. And _sexy Asians_,'' stopped talking as he saw Ghastly had stilled. ''What is it?''

Tanith walked a few paces forward to stand beside her boyfriend. ''Can you smell it too?'' She nodded. ''Is it - burning?'' He nodded his head. ''But there's something off about it.'' Looking around, there was no sign of suspicious activity. Everett and Roxanne's cars were parked in their usual spaces, the front door was still closed, there was no feeling of something being _off_, but Ghastly didn't feel quite right. And there was that burning smell.

By now the others had caught up, and Valkyrie's dark eyes swept the house and surrounding area. It was late afternoon - the sun was still up, but sweeping the horizon so the trees behind the house were deeply shadowed. ''Do you think someone might have followed us here?'' She asked it almost hesitantly. ''Sanguine, an employee of Scarab's...'' Skulduggery shook his head. ''I can't really detect anything. My skeleton-senses are not tingling.'' Valkyrie raised her eyebrows. ''Skeleton-senses?'' He shrugged. ''Your Spiderman conversation must have affected me.''

''No, that's not the smell of wood or even _flesh_...'' Ghastly tailed off and his eyes widened at the implications of what he was saying. ''That's the smell of _expensive burning leather_.'' He started running, swerving around the side of the house to the back yard.

The sight almost made him weep.

A bonfire smoldered there, littered with a few things like empty boxes and crates, but the majority of it was taken up by ruined, blackened shoes. HIS shoes. Near the bottom, a brown round-toed Prada boot lay crumpled. On top of it, the Jimmy Choos Ravel had given him for Christmas last year. The heel of the stylish Fendi boating shoes he had worn on one of his and Tanith's first dates poked out of the middle. And there - there, still magnificent in death, lying finally defeated, on top of the pile were the loafers.

Oh, _God. _Ghastly felt a bolt of terror go through him. These weren't the hand-made loafers he had ordered so many years ago, his first pair, the shoes that made him the envy of every mage in Ireland, were they?

No. _Thank you, Lord. Thank you, sweet little baby Jesus. Cheers, Allah. _He must have left The Holy Pair at home. Ghastly felt movement at to the left, and it was only then he realised he was on his knees. Fletcher looked at him. ''Are these all the shoes you took with you?'' At Ghastly's mute nod, the teenager frowned slightly. ''But you have like, five hundred pairs back in Dublin. Why're you upset?''

How could Fletcher understand? Each of these shoes was like a slaughtered child to him, cut cruelly down in their prime of youth and tossed aside without compassion. Their father wasn't here to save them from the merciless flames that had ravaged their bodies! Ghastly felt his eyes grow misty as the other members of the Skul Crew whispered nervously behind his back.

Eventually he looked up at Fletcher. ''I can't describe their loss, Fletch,'' he said, his voice low and strained. ''But I imagine to you, it would be like the death of Mr. Blobby.'' Fletcher gasped and hugged Ghastly tight around the waist. Ghastly patted the boy's back, the flickering flames reflected in his eyes. A growing burn seemed to spread through him. A fiery anger. A hatred. Whoever had done this...they would pay. Ghastly Bespoke was going _all _BAMF.

''Madness?'' He called out, noting how his friends looked at him in alarm as he quoted the epic words. ''THIS. IS. !''

''Not as cool as the original line from _300_, but I'll give him points for trying,'' Skulduggery muttered to Leonardo.

''What's all this racket about?''

Ghastly, somehow having changed into the Spartan king's outfit, complete with mini toga, whirled round. Everett was casually leaning against the fence, handsome face amused. ''I think you should calm down, Bespoke. A gust of wind might fly up that skirt and that would be, er, _unpleasant_, for all involved.'' ''You wish you were involved!'' Ghastly yelled.

The group looked confused and Ghastly shook his head. ''That came out wrong...'' ''Dad,'' Tanith said firmly, striding forward. ''Why are Ghastly's shoes on a bonfire?'' Everett put an innocent expression. ''Darling, I have no idea what you're talking about.'' Skulduggery sighed. '''Rhett, we know you probably had something to do with the fact that Ghastly's children have been burned to death.'' ''EXACTLY!'' Ghastly roared, beating his shield with one hand.

Fletcher winced. ''Why do you yell all the time in that outfit?'' Ghastly frowned. ''I'm not yelling, I'm just passionate!'' Everett chuckled and Tanith narrowed her eyes.

''Why do you hate Ghastly so much?''

Everett's expression grew serious and he sighed. ''Because, Tanith...I'm not your real father.''

''WHUT?''

''Go away Finbar, this is not SkulBook.''

Tanith's mouth was slightly open in an 'o' shape. ''What do you mean you mean, you aren't-''

''Of course I'm your dad! Where else would you have gotten your awesome bone structure from? Not your mother, certainly,''

''Thanks, honey,'' muttered Roxanne, who had come out to stand with them.

''No problem, sweetheart.''

Ghastly moved closer to him. ''I don't understand. I've always been polite to you. I've never risen to your taunts or jokes. In fact, I have been nothing but respectful to you and your lovely wife.'' Ghastly nodded to Roxanne, who smiled fondly at him. ''Maybe you don't think I'm good enough for your daughter? Because I'm a tailor, and I'm scarred, and I occasionally like to dress up like a Spartan warrior?'' ''Believe me, it creeps us all out,'' Leo whispered.

''But here's the thing.'' Ghastly took a deep breath, saw his friend's encouraging faces, and carried on. ''I am in love with your daughter. And I think that maybe she loves me. I personally don't think I'll ever be lucky enough to have someone like Tanith loving me - I doubt any other man will - so I plan on keeping onto her for a long, long time.''

Lacing Tanith's fingers with his, Ghastly met Everett's eyes. ''I'm never going to hurt her, Mr. Night. I want you to know that now. Maybe you disapprove, but you need to know that I am never going to do anything to hurt your daughter. We're going to be together for a long time, and to hell with anyone that doesn't agree.''

He heard a snuffling behind him and Fletcher hiccuped. ''That was _beautiful_!''

Everett looked at him appraisingly. ''You know what Ghastly, I think we're going to be just fine.''

Everyone sighed in relief and Ghastly smiled, then punched Everett in the face. He fell to the floor, holding his nose. He clambered to his feet, voice muffled. ''That was for the shoes, wasn't it?''

''Yep,'' Ghastly said cheerfully and hit him again. Tanith sighed and Everett frowned. ''OK man, that's enough.'' He held out his hand and Ghastly shook it, finally feeling as if he was accepted. ''I can get a barbeque on if everyone would like that?'' Ghastly grinned at Roxanne as everybody cheered, and looped his arm around Tanith's shoulders. ''Then tonight, we dine in Fareham!''

They stayed with Tanith's parents another week, until one evening when they were all lying outside, talking and happily watching the sun go down with content smiles. Skulduggery held up his phone with an apologetic look on his face. ''I've just got a text from Ravel,'' he began.

''There's been some sort of animal attacking important mages in back home, and he wants us back to work on the case.''

Valkyrie sighed. ''We better head off tonight.''

''Do you all have to go so soon?''

Tanith nodded. ''Dublin doesn't sleep, and neither does its bad guys.'' Everett and Roxanne got up, giving them all hugs. ''Come back soon, okay?'' Roxanne whispered after releasing Tanith and Ghastly.

After they all got packed - Ghastly scraping the ashes of his shoes into a matchbox - they started up the van, waving goodbye to Roxanne and Everett as their figures in the wing mirror got smaller and smaller.

Leaning back, Leo's face fell into a guilty expression.''Do you think we should've told them that we're heading back to watch _Jedward and the Prisoners of Azerbaijan _at the multiplex?''

Ghastly and Skulduggery exchanged glances. ''Nahhh.''


	46. Harry Potter Pickup Pals

_**Here's some perverted Ghanith, because there is never too many Harry Potter pickup lines :)**_

_**Also, just watched the scene in Deathly Hallows where Harry and Ginny are kissing in the kitchen. George Cockblock Weasley, I love you.**_

Tanith buried her face in ghastly's shoulder. Her body shook slightly and she tried to blink away the tears that were rolling down her cheeks. Ghastly just chuckled and carried on watching the movie.

''How can you laugh at this?'' Tanith sounded indignant, despite the fact her eyes were still full of tears. ''This is on eof the saddest scenes ever. I was bawling at this bit in the book.'' Ghastly looked at her dryly. ''I really can't imagine you bawling.'' He pretended to wring out his shirt and Tanith punched his arm.

Onscreen, Dobby's eyes closed and Tanith sobbed again. She felt Ghastly shaking beside her and turned round, expecting him to finally broken down. ''He's so ugly,'' he whispered in the tone of a man trying desperately not to laugh. The blonde woman gasped and leaped off the couch. ''Blasphemer.''

Ghastly laughed as she stormed into the kitchen. ''I just don't get your thing for Harry Potter. I thought it was just Valkyrie and Reia that were that obsessed by it!'' Tanith tilted her head to the side. ''I don't know why I like it. Maybe it's the sixth film. Draco looked fiiiine in that one.''

Her boyfriend put on a wounded face. ''Oh, so what about me?''

Tanith grinned. ''Well I'm sorry Bespoke, but there's nothing sexier than a Harry Potter nerd.'' Ghastly raised his eyebrows, walking into the kitchen and leaning on the counter. ''Really? You fancy Harry Potter nerds?''

She nodded, clamping her lips together in an attempt not to laugh.

''OK then.'' He leaned closer so they were face-to-face over the kitchen island. ''You know Platform Nine and Three-Quarters? Well, I know something with the same measurements.'' He waggled his eyebrows suggestively and Tanith let out a choke of laughter before settling her features into an indifferent expression. She leaned forwards further. ''I don't have an Invisibility Cloak, but can I visit your Restricted Section anyway?''

Ghastly winked. ''Want to find out how Moaning Myrtle got her name?''

''Certainly. And by the way, is your name 'Obliviate' or are you naturally mind-blowing?'' Ghastly smirked at this and moved around the island to face her. ''I must be afraid of hot girls, because your body is riddikulus.'' Tanith grinned in appreciation. ''Nice one!''

''I know. So...I'll show you my Basilisk if you show me your Chamber of Secrets.'' She rolled her eyes at the pervertedness of his line and took a step towards him, placing a hand on his shoulder. ''You know, you must be a Horcrux, because you've got part of my soul.''

The tailor's eyes widened fractionally and he smiled softly. ''If that's true, then you definitely have a part of mine,'' he murmured, lowering his head to put his lips against hers. Tanith's mouth moved against his before he broke away with a smirk. ''Now how about we make for the Shrieking Shack and give it a new reason for its name?''

She grinned wickedly as they turned to the door...which Valkyrie and Skulduggery were standing in with identical looks of horror on their faces.

Ghastly stared.

Valkyrie stared.

Skulduggery stared.

Tanith stared.

''Um,'' began Skulduggery, holding up a new, plastic-wrapped DVD case, ''we were just wondering if you wanted to watch _Deathly Hallows _with us?''


	47. Telephone: Lady Gaga 2

_**Yes, I haven't updated in forever. Sorry! This is just a crappy Tanith-centered text chapter telling you that I'm not dead and that I'll try to write some more chapters soon :)**_

_**Also, what did you think of Death Bringer? Holy crap Lord Vile and Thrashgrace/Clarabelle and Fletchyrie and Fergus showing signs of hidden badassery and THAT 'I love you' and Dexter Vex omnomnom and Keith the zombie and the super epic Dead Men have to have a prequel about them and Caelan/Salt water is my OTP. Derek deserves all the awards. All of them.**_

**(3: 04 AM) Tanith: **Valkyrie Pottermore's open!

**(3: 07 AM) Valkyrie: **Tanith, it's 3am. Go to sleep.

**(3: 08 AM) Tanith: **Come on! Aren't you excited?

**(3: 10 AM) Tanith: **What house do you want to be in?

**(3: 14 AM) Tanith: **Val?

**(3: 17 AM) Tanith: **Helloooooo?

**(3: 22 AM) Tanith: **...Muggle.

**(8: 30 AM) Astral Horoscopes: **An annoying acquintance will pester you today - ignore their demands. From the position of Mercury male companions will continue to bring you laughter throughout the week. Don't pass on an oppurtunity to cheer up a close friend!

**(10: 42 AM) Skul: **Just been having an early morning Doctor Who-watching session that the Doctor is based off of me.

**(10: 47 AM) Tanith: **Well, you don't have a TARDIS

**(10: 49 AM) Skul: **I have a Bentley.

**(10: 50 AM) **What about the Sonic Screwdriver?

**(10: 51 AM) Skul: **My hat obviously qualifies! And if Valkyrie is my companion, then what does that make you and Ghastly...?

**(10: 53 AM) Tanith: **I'm Amy, obviously. Ghastly is Rory but with muscles xD

**(10: 53 AM) Tanith: **So who is Fletcher?

**(10: 54 AM) Skul: **K-9.

**(11: 18 AM) Scapegrace: **So I hear you got into Pottermore.

**(11: 24 AM) Ghastly: **Blue shoes or brown for work today?

**(11: 25 AM) Tanith: **Blue. Much more dapper ;)

**(11: 43 AM) Fletcher: **OH MY GOD did you know that apparently in 100 years there isn't going to be any natural blondes left?

**(11: 44 AM) Tanith: **WHAT.

**(11: 46 AM) Fletcher: **Some scientist said the blonde gene will have died out so there won't be any blonde babies being born :(

**(11: 48 AM) Tanith: **We're a dying race, Fletcher. Let's enjoy every minute we can.

**(11: 48 AM) Fletcher: **Amen.

**(12: 04 PM) Scapegrace: **My computer won't let me on, I think the Penguin Mobile has a bad wifi connection

**(12: 21 PM) Anton: **Hello ;)

**(12: 25 PM) Tanith: **You have no idea how much that wink scares me xD

**(12: 26 PM) Anton: **You have good reason to be scared ;D

**(12: 26 PM) Tanith: **Well, I have a boyfriend and you have a girlfriend, so...

**(12: 28 PM) Anton: **Has that stopped me before? ;) I'll be waiting for you in your room.

**(12: 30 PM) Tanith: **I'll be waiting for you at your grave with tap shoes on.

**(12: 33 PM) Anton: **How you wound me!

**(12: 33 PM) Tanith: **Ah, how I've missed your banter :}

**(12: 35 PM) Anton: **Well, the Hotel's in town next week. We can get together, take each other's clothes off, check each other out...

**(12: 36 PM) Tanith: **And Evelina?

**(12: 37 PM) Anton: **Oh, she'll be there too ;D

**(12: 39 PM) Tanith: **I'm going to pass...

**(12: 42 PM) Anton: **Another time?

**(12: 43 PM) Tanith: **Keep dreaming ;)

**(12: 43 PM) Anton: **Oh, I will ;)

**(12: 52 PM) Scapegrace: **I NEED a Pottermore

**(12: 58 PM) Scapegrace: **Please help me get an account?

**(1: 07 PM) Fletcher: **Haha, did you hear Scapegrace still hasn't got a Pottermore? XD

**(1: 15 PM) Erskine R sent you a picture message**

**(1: 15 PM) Erskine: **And I have to look at these clothing abominations EVERY DAY. I have a regular dream where I set Madame Mist's robes on fire :L

**(1: 18 PM) Tanith: **Really? Because I have a regular dream where I set Madame Mist on fire xD

**(1: 21 PM) Erskine: **I just laughed so hard both her and Ghastly are staring at me :P

**(1: 21 PM) Tanith: **Ghastly's there? Say hey from me!

**(1: 26 PM) Erskine: **He says hey back, and that you're extremely weird.

**(1: 28 PM) Tanith: **He should be thankful that we're discussing how to burn Mist's awful clothes away. I mean, if you put our appreciation of clothes with his love of footwear, you'd get...

**(1: 31 PM) Erskine: **Kurt Hummel?

**(1: 33 PM) Tanith: **Exactly! He's my sassy gay spirit animal that dares to say the things nobody else does :}

**(1: 35 PM) Erskine: **First Tariana now you, I'm getting an inferiority complex just hearing about this Kurt guy!

**(1: 37 PM) Erskine: **Damn it, the Ugly Clothed One is coming over -.- G2G text you later if my eyes survive the horror

**(1: 37 PM) Tanith: **Good luck!

**(1: 56 PM) Scapegrace: **Just let me know how to get in

**(1: 59 PM) Scapegrace: **Right now I'm at my computer screen singing SO TEELLLLL ME WHEN YOU'RE GONNA LET ME IIIIN

**(2: 02 PM) Scapegrace: **I'M GETTING TIRED AND I NEED A POTTERMORE TO RELY ON

**(2: 19 PM) Thrasher: **Do you know what's up with Master Scapegrace? He's singing Keane and banging his head off his laptop

**(2: 21 PM) Tanith: **No idea :/

**(2: 25 PM) Val: **Save me. Skul made me go to my last 4 classes :L

**(2: 26 PM) Tanith: **I feel your pain. What's happening?

**(2: 29 PM) Val: **There's an odd guy trying to play a xylophone backwards...no wait, that's Fletcher.

**(2: 30 PM) Tanith: **Take pictures! :D

**(2: 35 PM) Val: **Done. I'll show you tonight ;D

**(2: 37 PM) Tanith: ***Evil laughs*

**(2: 56 PM) Scapegrace: **I'll set my zombie horde on you

**(4: 16 PM) Tanith: **I'm picking you up in 10 minutes so get something nice, 'cause we're going to the cinema :)

**(4: 19 PM) Val: **Sounds interesting. What are we seeing?

**(4: 20 PM) Tanith: **Rise of the Planet of the Apes!

**(4: 23 PM) Val: **...Really? I was meant to be going out with Skul later :3

**(4: 25 PM) Tanith: **It has Tom Felton...

**(4: 26 PM) Val: **Well, you convinced me ;)

**(4: 33 PM) Scapegrace: **TELL ME YOUR SECRETS

**(4: 52 PM) Ghastly: **Want to come over tonight? I'm making steak :)

**(4: 57 PM) Tanith: **Sorry, Val and I are going to the cinema to watch the Planet of the Apes prequel

**(4: 59 PM) Ghastly: **Is that the one with Tom Felton?

**(5: 01 PM) Tanith: **...Maybe. ;)

**(5: 04 PM) Ghastly: **I knew he'd steal you off me eventually :(

**(5: 05 PM) Tanith: **Only for this evening xD Now begone from my inbox for at least the next three hours

**(5: 07 PM) Ghastly: **OK...

**(5: 15 PM) Ghastly: **Tanith?

**(5: 18 PM) Tanith: **Yes?

**(5: 18 PM) Ghastly: **I love you :)

**(5: 19 PM) Tanith: **I love you too :)


	48. Exploding Puddings and Hotel Sloths

_**This chapter marks the first appearance of my good friend Evelina's OC, Evangeline Evergreen. This is for you, bahbey! **_

_**Hope you all enjoy :)**_

**October 29th, 6: 15 PM**

The sun was low in the sky as Valkyrie and Skulduggery crossed the bridge, their clasped hands swinging between inbetween them. Valkyrie turned her head slightly to face her partner.

''So where _are _you taking me?''

''Can't say.''

''To a resteraunt?''

''Not one peep.''

''Ice skating? You said you would take me back after my ban lifted.''

''I don't want to go through that sort of humility ever again.''

''Ha-ha. I didn't hurt that many people.''

''Never.''

''Well, are we going to see a movie?''

''My lips are sealed.''

''You don't even _have _lips.''

''Very astute, young Valkyrie. Your detecting skills never fail to amaze me.''

Valkyrie rolled her eyes at his dry tone as the street lamps clicked on overhead. ''You're slightly insane.'' ''I gave up sanity because it's so common. Now I tread my own path.'' They continued walking, heading towards the classiest district of Dublin, trading barbs and discussing their latest cases (the triple murder of sorcerers in Kerry and who kissed Fletcher in the cupboard during Seven Minutes In Heaven) before Skulduggery stopped in front of an ornate three-floored building.

String music drifted out to the street and the top floor was illuminated by a grand crystal chandelier they could just see through the glass of the balcony. Couples whirled past the windows, laughing and twirling to the music. Valkyrie turned back to the Skeleton Detective. ''You're taking me dancing?'' ''Mmmm. I know Fletcher took you dancing on your first official date, so I thought you would like to see a sorcerer's club.''

She exhaled, staring at the house with the beautiful chandelier and richly-dressed mages. ''This doesn't look much like a club.'' ''I only go for the highest class, Valkyrie. Surely you know that by now?'' ''Of course. You're dating me, after all.'' He took her arm, leading her towards the door, and Valkyrie could sense the smile in his voice. ''Well, I have impeccable taste.''

**October 29th, 6: 21 PM**

''You have got to be fucking with me.''

Erskine winced as Shudder's voice rang out in the Sanctuary hallway. ''_Shhhhh_. People are already wondering about our sexualities as it is.''

Anton strode on, unconcerned. He wore dark jeans and a tshirt that said 'Everyone is stupid but me'. ''Please, half the workers in this place are gone for the night. I'm surprised you can't remember that...Your Grace.''

His best friend winced. ''Please don't call me that.'' ''It gets funnier each time, believe me.''

Erskine stopped and turned Anton around. ''Look, Anton, please do this? It'll take a couple of hours at most. And I got another friend of mine to help, so you'll get the work done much quicker.'' Anton groaned. ''A couple of hours? I can't take this...I'm gonna go gist a tree.'' Erskine grabbed him. ''Come on! I'm busy tonight so there's no way I can do it. Just this once?''

''God, fine then. Though you're making me miss hooking up with a hot blonde I met last week. This truly is Cockblocktober.'' He sighed. ''Lead me to the death of a good Friday evening.'' Erskine pushed open the door beside him with a grateful grin and showed Anton inside.

Erskine's office was big and tastefully decorated, and occupied by one other person. The hotel owner raised his eyes appraisingly at the girl working on the desk before leaning back to Erskine, never turning his gaze off her. ''I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with DAYUM.'' Erskine shoved him. ''She'll be helping you with the files tonight as a favour to me, so be nice.'' He cleared his throat. ''Evangeline?''

The girl looked up and smiled. She was slightly older than she first appeared, around 23 or so, and her auburn hair caught the lights of the office as she stood up. ''Hey, Erskine. And Anton, isn't it?'' She bent over to pick up a box and Anton grinned. Erskine shoved him again with a scowl. ''Get a grip!'' ''Yeah, get a grip on that _fine _ass.'' The Grand Mage rolled his eyes. ''Just make sure you get the files sorted before you sleep with her, OK?'' Anton started to reply but was cut off by Evangeline straightening up, shifting the box on her hip. ''Erskine, you're gonna be late. Get a move on.'' He checked his watch and sighed. ''You're right. I'm heading off, so you two can let yourselves out when you're done.'' He waved goodbye to Evangeline, thumped Anton on the shoulder and left.

Anton looked at Evangeline. ''What is it we've got to do?''

She nodded her head to the filing cabinets lining the wall. ''We have to take all the files out of these and sort them alphabetically into these boxes. You can start on the right, I'll take the left.'' She turned and pulled a cabinet open, gesturing for him to start on one. Anton rolled up his sleeves and began pulling out the files. ''So how come you're stuck here on a Friday night?''

She shrugged. ''I owe Erskine a favour. He helped me get some information on a case a couple years ago and since I'm in Dublin for a few weeks, I thought it was time to pay him back.'' ''So you're a detective? Seems like there's a lot of them these days.'' ''We all tend to work together. But you're friends with Skulduggery, so you would know that.'' Anton raised his eyebrows. ''How do you know?''

She smirked. ''Like I said, I'm a detective. But really it's common knowledge. I worked with Skulduggery once and he mentioned you.'' She flipped open a file and started copying its contents down. Anton took a few seconds to appreciate her long legs encased in the pair of black skinny jeans before moving on. ''So what are you in town for?'' ''Leisure trip. I've got friends and family here, and there aren't a lot of cases going right now - I thought I'd come visit.''

Anton checked the clock, decided ten minutes was enough work to warrant a break, and made his way over to Erskine's coffee machine. He turned to Evangeline, two mugs in hand. ''Care to join me? I promise not to bite. Unless you're into that.'' She slid off the desk, smoothing down her tshirt. ''No thanks, I don't know where you've been. And I really don't want to get herpes.'' Anton put a hand to his chest dramatically. ''Wound me, woman. But I make an awesome cappucino.''

Grinning, Evangeline passed him the pot of sugar. ''Three spoonfuls. And then I can run away from you.'' He winked, setting the mugs in the machine. ''You know what I can girls that run away from me?'' ''What?'' ''Virgins.''

She rolled her eyes, but leaned back against the counter when he passed her the coffee. ''Are these really the best pick-up lines you've got?'' ''Work like charms. The girls fall at my feet.'' He gave her a smirk and she laughed. ''I can't see why anyone would fall in love with you.'' ''Really? Because a few months ago I was getting stalked by a creepy little ginger hobbit. He was obsessed, that one. Ran my fan club and everything.'' ''Are you sure that wasn't just you sending fan mail to yourself?''

''Not likely. It isn't my fault I'm such a catch. Maybe I can show you if we head to Ghastly's office. He has the best couch.'' ''Yeah, sure. Right now, you and me, baby.'' Anton raised his eyebrows. ''Really?'' ''Yeah, no. Get back to work.''

She set her mug down and walked back to the desk. He grinned and walked up behind her. ''Are you sure about that? Because I really want to defile you.'' ''Well, I want to de-file Erskine's document cabinet, so can we get a move on?'' ''Whatever you say, babe.''

**October 29th, 6: 59 PM **

Erskine skidded to a stop outside Butter, checking his watch again and straightening his shirt. Dublin was lit up orange and rose in the light of a dying sunset and the roads were filled with people heading home and going out for the night.

Butter was filled when he got in, and the three people waiting for him at their usual table looked up as he approached. ''Sorry I'm a bit late. Anton was being a pervert again. Evangeline's got her work cut out for her.'' Tanith waved him away. ''I'm willing to forgive you as long as you sit down and let us order. I'm starving, Val and I were training all day.''

Erskine slipped into the seat beside Tariana, giving her a kiss on the cheek. ''Aren't Dex and Reia meant to be here tonight? I know Skulduggery's taking Val off to do some special thing.'' Tariana picked some invisible dust off her skirt before replying. ''They're going to a concert that Fletcher gave them tickets to at the last minute.'' Ghastly nodded over the menu he was studying. ''Fair enough. You all ready to order?''

After they sent the waiters away with their orders (Ghastly and Erskine were slightly disappointed that they couldn't order a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth) they sat back and started talking about their work. ''It's not worth the pay to be an Elder,'' Ghastly was telling them. ''Though it has its perks when the female ambassadors come from other Sanctuaries.'' He exchanged grins with Erskine but blinked innocently at Tanith's look. ''What? I just appreciate beauty.'' Erskine laughed. ''You have no game, Ghastly. You should have taken lessons from Larrikin before he died.'' ''Ah, Larrikin. That man was a sexual animal.'' Erskine smiled fondly. ''I can see him right now, hip thrusting his way through Heaven.''

He broke off as their water arrived with their plates, though Tanith seemed unwilling to let the matter of the female ambassadors go. ''So. You can 'appreciate beauty'?'' Ghastly winced as Erskine snickered into his napkin and Tariana grinned. ''I didn't mean it like that, Tanith! You're the only one I hold a torch for.'' ''Want me to throw a bucket of water over you? Put that burning torch out?'' Erskine softly chanted ''Got no game,'' and the tailor scowled at him.

''You know, Erskine-'' he began, but was cut off by Tariana leaning forward, her bright eyes laughing. ''Guys,'' she said in a low voice, ''look who's over at that table.''

Tanith and Ghastly turned around and Erskine peered past them to the man that was sitting beside the window. He turned to his girlfriend with a mischevious smile that matched her own. ''Guild,'' he grinned.

**October 29th, 7: 13 PM**

The library was even quieter on a Friday, when most mages were relaxing or taking a break from work. Fletcher wasn't one to be stuck inside on a weekend, but he hadn't felt up to the concert, so he had passed the tickets onto Dexter.

A female mage he remembered talking to when they were hunting for Skulduggery's head smiled at him and he nodded back, making his way through the stacks of shelves. When he reached the door that opened to China's chambers, he paused only slightly before knocking. After a worrying number of minutes the door finally opened and China Sorrows stood there in all her glory, a midnight blue dress flaring off at her knees and her raven hair artfully arranged on top of her head. Fletcher felt a smile spread across his face and it took him a few seconds to get his feelings under control before he could speak normally.

He saw China's eyebrow rise and he coughed. ''Um, hi.'' China said nothing.

''Can I come in?''

Silence.

''I wanted to talk to you.''

She pursed her lips slightly. ''Have you had a tetanus shot?''

''No, but I've had my flu jab.''

She studied him. ''Good enough. Come.''

She turned round and walked down the corridor, Fletcher trotting after her. She lead him into what he assumed was her living room. Great glass windows gave sweeping panoramic views of Dublin as the sky darkened to a deep black-blue and lights flicked on across the city.

''What are you here for? Have you angered any more of the Dark Gods? Lost Skulduggery's shin bone? Found a new Death Bringer during your grocery rounds in Asda?''

He shifted uncomfortably on his feet. ''No, like I said...I kind of just wanted to talk. All the couples are out together and Anton almost got me date raped last time we hung out together, so I guess I just wanted someone to talk to.'' China's eyebrow rose impressively higher. ''And you chose _me_?''

''Yeah, well, we have our shopping trips together sometimes, don't we? And you don't seem to hang out with people much, so...'' ''I don't need to 'hang out', as you eloquently put it. I have far too much to contend with to engage in superficial small talk with people I don't like. And I don't like most people.''

Fletcher shuffled on the floor then met her icy, beautiful eyes. ''Well, I'm a very likable person. And we don't need to talk. Have you ever had cookie dough ice cream?'' She frowned, the slightest crease appearing in her forehead. It was lovely. ''I don't have need for ice cream, Fletcher. It really doesn't do anything for your skin.'' He grinned. ''You're in for a treat. Give me a minute.''

He Teleported to a Sainsburys he and Valkyrie had used once and stopped for a few seconds at the refrigerators before blinking out again. China was sitting, hands folded, in a stuffed armchair when he arrived back, cool amusement on her face as she saw the two tubs Fletcher held in his hands. ''Got any spoons?'' he asked, setting the Ben and Jerry's cartons down on the coffee table. China winced and leaned forward to set them on a coaster. ''There's cutlery in the top drawer of the dresser.''

After carefully (he didn't want to scratch the dresser - he was pretty sure it was a genuine 17th century antique, a bit like Skulduggery) lifting two ornate spoons from the drawer he handed one to China and cracked open the lids on the ice cream tubs. China looked at hers with distaste. ''It looks diseased.''

Fletcher laughed. ''No, see, it's just chunks of sugar and chocolate. Try it. It's nice.'' He ate a spoonful of his own ice cream in encouragement. The librarian dug a piece of the cookie dough out. ''If this is poisoned, I'll be very displeased.'' She slowly brought the spoon up to her mouth and Fletcher raised his eyebrows as she swallowed. China looked at him. ''Passable,'' she said, and scooped some more ice cream onto her spoon. Fletcher grinned into his carton.

**October 29th, 7: 46 PM**

''He looks lonely,'' whispered Tanith. ''Maybe we should give him a hug.'' ''Demons can't appreciate hugs,'' said Erskine darkly.

''Oh God,'' Ghastly hissed, ''what if he's got a date?'' Tariana smiled. ''I've always liked you, Ghastly, because you make funny jokes. No way could_ Guild _have a date.'' Erskine leaned closer to his friends. ''Who else thinks this is an oppurtunity for some fun?''

The whole table grinned. Ghastly quickly looked back over his shoulder towards Guild. ''I'll head over there and hide behind the plant pot; try to see what's going on with him. I'll signal you over if I need help.'' Dinner forgotten, the other three watched as Ghastly dropped to the floor behind a large leafy green plant close to Guild's table. He made a thumbs-up sign to them and drew his legs up to his chest, turning his head so he could observe Guild.

Tariana propped her chin on her palm and turned to Tanith. ''So what should we do to him?'' Tanith tugged at a curl of her hair. ''Why are you asking me?'' Erskine put on what Tariana and Reia called his 'Bitch please' face. ''We know it was you that set the goat loose in his office when he was Grand Mage. You have a history of tormenting him.'' ''Go on.''

Erskine and Tariana shared a glance. ''We were thinking of a really good prank,'' the younger girl grinned. ''Now listen closely...''

When Tariana finished explaining what she and Erskine had in mind, Tanith gave a long, slow, smile. ''Let's do it.'' Tariana exhanged the customary high fives with her, then started as Ghastly, still crouched on the floor, caught her eye and made motioning gestures. She tapped her boyfriend's arm. ''Erskine? Ghastly wants you.''

''Like that's news,'' scoffed Erskine. ''No really, he's gesturing you over.'' Erskine raised his eyebrows, got up and hurried low across the floor to Ghastly. ''What is it?'' ''He's already made his dessert order. The clock's ticking on whatever plan the three of you have come up with.'' Erskine quickly filled his friend in on the details and the other man grinned. ''That's brilliant. Now go catch the waiter. Guild ordered the strawberry blancmange and he's at table 44. Hurry!'' Erskine nodded and sprang up, only stopping at their table to get something off Tanith before heading to the kitchens.

The tailor sighed and leaned back against the plant, pulling his knees more securely against his chest. A passing waiter looked at him. ''What?'' Ghastly snapped.

Back at the table, Tariana was giving Tanith a look of her own. ''Why do you carry bottles of gas around with you anyway?'' Tanith shrugged. ''You never know when you might need it.''

Butter's kitchen was all steel and shiny surfaces, cooks flipping dishes and waiters tacking up order signs. Erskine snuck in and waited until a cook called out ''Table 44!'' before moving out to the plate where waiting dishes were kept and dropped a small canister into the blancmange. He slipped back out unnoticed and when he got back to his seat, Tariana, Tanith and the returned Ghastly looked at him expectantly. ''I got it in,'' he grinned. ''Any moment now.''

Just then, the waiter carrying a quivering pink pudding stepped past their table and Erskine grabbed Tariana's arm, hissing ''That's the waiter!'' Tanith smirked and drew a small knife out of her skirt, wrapping a bandage soaked in what smelled an awfully lot like lighter fluid around it.

''Watch and learn, kids.'' She moved out of her seat, carefully sighting as the waiter set the plate down in front of Guild, and let the knife fly. It whipped through the air fast and sunk into the cake, an invisible blur of steel, which was why everybody apart from the two couples jumped back in surprise as the pudding exploded. Guild yelled in shock as he, the waiter and the wall behind him were coated by the mixture and the tables around him burst into titters of laughter as he cursed.

Tanith looked proudly on as Guild swore fluently at the waiter. ''Congratulations, guys. Let's crack open a bottle of champagne to celebrate.'' She motioned to a waiter and they were all too busy laughing to notice Guild as he passed them then turned, astonished. ''It was _you_,'' he hissed, and Tanith's mouth dropped open as he snarled at them, face still covered in the pudding. ''I don't know how you did it, but you did! You made that damned cake explode!'' Ghastly winced. ''Here, have some Earl Grey.'' The ex-Grand Mage dashed away his proffered teapot. ''There isn't enough Earl Grey in the world to quench my anger at you!''

He struggled as a few restaraunt employees began to tow him away, but as soon as he was out of sight the four raised their glasses in a toast. ''To Thurid Guild's sanity,'' Erskine began solemly. ''May it rest in peace.''

**October 29th, 8: 04 PM**

The sky was black now, and though the lights were low in China's apartment, Fletcher could still see out over the shining streets of the city. ''So, if you see what I mean, we're kind of the same. They need me for my Teleporting, they need you for your information, and though none of them know it, they use us. Not excluded from the group but not fully part of it either.''

Fletcher sighed and China watched him. ''So I think that's maybe why I came here tonight. Because you know what it's like. We both pretend we're above everyone and we don't need any of them, but really we're hanging onto them as hard as we can.'' He shook his head. ''I know I'm not making much sense, but I had to get it out, you know? Thanks for listening. You're not as bitchy as everyone says you are.''

Her mouth curled up at the corner. ''Then I suppose you aren't as stupid as everyone makes you out to be, either.'' Fletcher winced. ''Thanks, I think?'' He got up from the couch and stretched. ''Sorry for taking up your time.'' ''No, it wasn't as awful as I thought it would be. And-'' she almost seemed to be searching for the right words - ''I understand.'' Her cool blue gaze fell on Fletcher and he smiled faintly. ''Well, I've converted one more person to the Church of Sirs Ben and Jerry, so my night isn't entirely a waste.'' ''What I said a minute go about you not being as stupid as everyone thought? I take that back.''

He laughed and pulled his jacket on. ''Thanks again, China.'' He prepared to Teleport, but she held up her finger. ''You know, there's excellent books in the East Wing of the library if you're to come back.'' He nodded a thank you and closed his eyes. ''Fletcher?'' ''Yeah?'' ''You will forget this ever happened, won't you.''

The way China phrased it wasn't a question, and Fletcher grinned. ''Forget what happened? We're not even having this conversation.'' He Teleported back to his hotel suite, still grinning.

Maybe he would go back to the library next Friday.

For the East Wing books, of course.

**October 29th, 8: 32 PM**

''I really don't think it's a wise idea for you to be dancing right now. This is a new suit and if you throw up on me due to your current state of inebriation I may have to disown you.'' ''Shooosh.'' Valkyrie shifted her head against the detective's shoulder and gave him a tipsy smile.

''This light is really pretty. All sparkly, like. Really pretty.'' Skulduggery rolled his eyes. ''You said.'' They twisted around the room, the Skeleton Detective carefully holding Valkyrie clear of the floor as the orchestra raised their instruments again and the male singer singer stepped up to the microphone. Skulduggery sighed as the opening bars of _Sway _started up. ''Damn. I was so hoping they'd play some Sinatra.''

''You're obsessed with Sinatra. It's really weird.'' ''I thought we had established that I have impeccable taste?'' She snorted. ''Oh please. You have to agree with me, I'm drunk.'' Skulduggery laughed and twirled them around the edge of the floor. ''Is that supposed to be logic?'' ''Hush up! This is the best part!'' She opened her mouth and began to drunkenly shout along to the chorus as they moved backwards, Skulduggery looking awkward as other partners dancing beside them stared their way.

''When marimba rhythms START to play, DANCE with me, MAKE ME SWAAAAYY...'' An older mage dancing alongside a grey-haired woman wih heavily lined features sneered at Valkyrie's drunk singing and raised a superior eyebrow at Skulduggery as if to say 'Really?'

Skulduggery stared back at him with a straight face. ''Yes, I know, but at least she doesn't look eighty.'' He nodded at the mage's companion, at which they both sucked in breaths and stalked off the dancefloor. Valkyrie touched Skulduggery's cheek, grinning. ''Thanks, Skul.'' He shrugged. ''What can I say? You're my woman.''

**October 29th, 10: 09 PM**

''You put a canister of _gas _in Guild's dessert and threw a knife soaked in lighter fluid into it to blow that mother up? That's going down as the stuff of legend, mate.'' Anton laughed at Erskine's reply. ''Yeah, sure. See you tomorrow.'' He hung up and turned to Evangeline with a wink. ''So where were we?'' She returned his flirting gaze with a cool one of her own. ''I was over here, and you were over there stacking the boxes up.'' ''Ah, so cold. We would be perfect together.'' She uncrossed her legs from the desk, where she was finishing up on the files.

''Well, you're a hell of a lot older than me.'' Anton placed the last full box on the pile and rested against the counter. ''You know, age is just a number...'' ''So is 999, you pervert.'' He grinned. ''Yeah, we would be beautiful together. All I have to do is get you to stop with the constant insults.'' ''Hmmm, good luck with that. Maybe I can get you to stop with the constant bad pick-ups.''

She laughed at his wounded expression. ''Aw. Have I hurt you for the last time?'' ''You have. I will now ride my sloth majestically into the sunset.'' ''You have a sloth?'' ''Yeah, he crawled into my hotel three countries ago and now I can't get him out.''

Evangeline got off the desk. ''Well, you lead an entertaining life, Shudder.'' ''Thanks.'' ''I didn't say that was a good thing.'' They flicked off the lights in Erskine's office and made their way down the hall. ''So you'll be here for the next few weeks, yeah? Well, a group of us always do something for Halloween. Maybe you can join us.'' She smiled. ''Thanks, I think I will.'' They turned another corner. ''You know, you never told me what your discipline was.'' ''I'm an Elemental. But I just use fire. I can maybe give you a demonstration on Halloween.''

He winked. ''I can think of a lot of other demonstrations that you can do for me, babe.'' She ground her heel into his foot and smiled sweetly at him when he hissed in pain. ''You were saying?''

They left the Sanctuary and the night wind was cool against their faces, the ugliness of Roarhaven compensated by the brilliant star-spangled sky. ''So,'' Anton said as they neared his car, one of three in the parking lot, ''you want a lift?'' Evangeline's green eyes tilted as she laughed. ''Oh, I would hate to keep you away from your sloth any longer than necessary.'' She reached up on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek and took a step backwards. ''Anyway, I have my own way of travel.''

A spark from her snapped fingers spread up her arm, coating her torso in flame, licking down to twist around her legs. When Evangeline's body was encased in glowing, burning flames, auburn hair flickering back from her face, she blew him a kiss. ''I'll be in touch,'' she said, and the fire blazed hotter and hotter, and she burned out in a red-hot blaze, leaving just a few tendrils of ash drifting to the ground.

''Awesome,'' breathed Anton, and he got into his car and drove into the night.


	49. Halloween and a Dancing Sombrero

**Here's my kind of late Halloween chapter...hopefully the length makes up for the delay :)**

**Dedicated to the foreverly awesome Tariana Grace who wrote the best birthday chapter ever for me xD**

**Mini-playlist for chapter:**

**Stripper - Soho Dolls: The girls do their flirty dance thing to this song ;)**

**Sexy And I Know It - LMFAO: Leo and Anton partayy in the garden**

**Beat It - Fall Out Boy: Shudderline and Ghanith dance to this at the end**

**Crush On You - Nero: Plays at party when they go to the funeral parlour**

**Cheers (Drink To That) - Rihanna: The theme song for the whole party and all the party-hard!Skul Crew nights out where they sing along to this is very drunk voices xD**

She looked over this place, this silent expanse. The air hung heavy around her. The black dress she wore, torn and ripped and bloody, was impractical, though looked adequately dramatic. Shadows drifted around her legs and she reached out to wrap them around her. She smiled.

There was a cough to the left and she whirled, taking in the skeleton in the suit. He cocked his head. ''I like what you've done with the place.''

Valkyrie blew out. ''It took me a while to get all the decorations up, but I think it paid off.'' She took in the hastily-painted red and black walls and the flickering backlights that looked like dancing flames. ''I don't know why you chose to decorate your house as Hell for Halloween, though.''

He shrugged and took her arm. ''Well, this is one of the only times I let the general magical populace into my magnificent abode, so I might as well make the effort. Besides, last year when I didn't decorate everything up, half the mages made off with my furniture as souveniers. A few even asked me to sign them.'' ''They did not.'' ''I could see it in their eyes, Valkyrie. My couches are too appealling for their own good.'' ''I swear, in another life you were an interior decorater.'' ''And I swear, in another life you were an annoying young girl who followed me around making obnoxious comments. Oh wait-''

Grinning, she tossed her hair over her shoulder for good measure. ''You missed the part about me being gorgeous.'' ''I don't need to state that you're beautiful. Everyone can see the evidence for that themselves.'' She snorted, secretly pleased, as he lead her into the kitchen, possibly the one room in the house that didn't look as if the Devil should be in a corner prodding something with a pitchfork.

Ravel, Dexter and Anton were the closest to the door, dressed as Batman, Draco Malfoy and the Joker respectively. ''Nice outfit,'' she told the hotel owner as she moved past him. ''Don't compliment him,'' Ravel grumbled. ''He's only dressed like that so he can wear a purple suit.''

The other girls, Leo and Ghastly were clustered around the kitchen table. The females looked great - she grinned at Reia and Tariana's girl Warbler costumes - though Valkyrie had to raise her eyes at the guys' outfits. ''Are you meant to be some sort of zombie American-football player?'' Leo might have shrugged with a grin, but she couldn't see it under the layers of peeling makeup. ''Ghastly swiped this outfit off the Glee set and he gave it to me because it didn't fit him.'' The tailor in question was in a dinosaur costume, wearing a very un-Ghastlyish expression. ''I had to slip something in his drink or else he wouldn't come,'' whispered Tanith, looking pretty in a rose-coloured Rapunzel gown with hair plaited down her back. ''You know what he's like about these parties.'' Ghastly's eyes focused on Valkyrie and he smiled. ''Guess what? I'm a dinosaur!'' He cleared his throat. ''Just gonna stand there and here me roar, but that's alright because I am the Ghastosaur-'' ''That's great, sweetie,'' said Tanith, pulling him down.

''When is the party starting anyway? It's about to get dark soon.'' Evangeline, looking gorgeous in a she-devil type outfit checked the kitchen clock as Anton swaggered over. ''It doesn't need to be dark for what I can do to you, babe. It's Halloween, I can make you scream any time I like.'' She scowled and Anton jumped as a tongue of flame licked up his sleeve. Evangeline stood up and sidled past him. ''You better be careful about playing with fire, _babe_.''

Skulduggery clapped his hands together and opened the door. ''Look alive, people! Apart from me, because I'm dead, but the rest of you understand, I'm sure. As soon as Fletcher gets here we can start opening the doors. Or windows, because some people might be amazing like me.'' ''He is here,'' said Leo, twisting round in his seat. ''Just went to the bathroom.''

That was the moment Fletcher chose to walk in.

He was dressed a a sombrero.

Noticing Valkyrie and Skulduggery's expressions, his face tightened. ''You're supposed to dress as what you fear on Halloween so I'm dressed as a hat, OK? They hide my wonderful hair!'' ''Why a sombrero?'' Erskine asked in a tone of interest. ''Are you secretly Hispanic?'' ''You are just jealous, Skulduggery,'' Fletcher sniffed, ignoring Erskine, ''because your hair will never be as beautiful as mine.''

''I honestly have nothing to say to you. Now move out of the doorway, we have to greet the first guests.'' Fletcher did as Skulduggery said, but he frowned. ''Why aren't you dressed up then?'' ''Halloween is the one day where I can truly be myself. I don't have to wear a disguise _and_ I win all the best-costume prizes. It's a win-win situation.'' And with that, he stripped off his suit, leaving his skeleton bare. ''NAKED SKELETON! NAKED SKELETON IN THE KITCHEN!'' Anton yelled before Erskine hustled him out the door.

''This is going to be a hell of an evening,'' sighed Valkyrie, slipping her hand into Skulduggery's.

Anton grinned as he yelled out the song, moving his hips to the beat. ''PASSION IN MY PANTS AND I AIN'T AFRAID TO SHOW IT'' - dramatic pause - ''I'M SEXY AND I KNOW IT!''

Leo gave Anton a look as he danced next to him, but the hotelier just wore a smug smile on his face. ''I'm so fly.'' Leo rolled his eyes. ''You do know you're white, don't you?''

They were in the back garden, dancing to the thumping melody amongst numerous other sorceres. Skulduggery's house was packed and the party had spread out into the dark garden. The sky was twilight above them and Leo waved at the girl who had appeared out of the crowd. Amara pulled him into dance and he laughed. She was dressed as a fallen angel: black wings protruded from her back, and the skirt of her torn dress appeared like Valkyrie's, though this bodice was red. Her halo and the tattoos lacing her face and body were silver, and her hair curled in the air around them, tickling his face as they danced.

A few twisting bodies away Ravel was twirling Tariana and she tipped her head back to laugh as he swug her around. Her short blue Warbler skirt twirled up around her toned legs and Anton took a few seconds to appreciate them before Ravel gave him his 'I will cut you' look.

Meanwhile near the back of the garden, where the music and strobing lights were slightly less ear-shattering, Skulduggery had locked eyes with the dog from Number 9, Cemetery Road. ''Please, please don't eat me. My bones aren't as tasty as you would imagine. In fact-'' he stopped talking as the dog bounded forward and seized his leg, dragging him along the ground. Skulduggery yelled as the dog licked his nose cavity and flailed his arms, completely forgetting the use of magic.

''Help! NOSE RAPE! I'M GETTING NOSE RAPED BY A DOG!'' He heard someone panting and looked up as Valkyrie managed to push the heavy dog off him. ''You shouldn't be scaring Benny like that,'' she told him ruefully as the dog wandered off. ''Benny?'' Skulduggery pulled himself up onto his elbows. ''A dog that evil should not be called Benny. Maybe Stormageddon. Or Aloysius. But certainly not Benny.'' ''Shut up. 'Nose raped by a dog', really? I'll forgive you for your lapse in dignity.''

She gave him a hand, one of her long dark plaits falling forward. He pushed it back. ''I approve of the Morticia Addams look, just so you know.'' Valkyrie hit him. ''Pervert.'' But she smiled. ''Now come on inside, I want a dance where I'm not totally drunk.''

''I am just amazing at dancing, I can't pass all my skills onto you in a matter of hours.'' She smacked his arm with a serious expression. ''Come on Obi-Wan Skulobi, teach me your ways.'' ''Well I suppose I can maybe share the secret of the foxtrot...''

She laughed, but a shadow passed across her face and she turned in the direction of the fence that marked the end of Skulduggery's garden. He looked, but couldn't see anything. ''What is it?''

Valkyrie didn't reply, but pushed past him, striding over to the fence a few metres away from the fringes of the dancing bodies. She pressed her hands against it and leaned over, but through the few trees all she could see the lights of the road and street beyond. She shook her head slightly, attempting to clear it from the loud music. This was Halloween at a party full of magic, and night had just fallen. She was bound to be slightly paranoid. She pulled her hands off the fence, but something about them didn't feel right, and she choked on air when she realised her palms were sticky with _blood_.

The fence was coated with the stuff, and her hands pulled from it with a sucking sound. And the noise came again. The faint, mocking, laughter.

Surveying the main living room, Anton partied to the makeshift bar stretching across one side of the room and ordered himself a drink. He had left Ravel and Leo in the garden when an ex-hookup of his had gotten a bit too forward, and as he turned round, he swore and spilled his drink as he met her eyes.

''Lyssa! Where the hell did you come from? Your resemblance to a bat gets more and more startling each day.'' She scowled. ''Anton, you're drunk.'' ''You're right. And you're ugly. But in the morning I'll be sober and you'll still be ugly.'' She sucked in a deep breath and splashed what was left of his drink in his face before turning on her heel and stalking off.

A laugh on his right caused him to turn, and he met the green eyes of Evangeline. ''You certainly have a way with women.''

He slipped an easy smirk on his face and slid an arm around her silk-clad shoulders. ''You don't know the half of it, babe.'' She disentangled herself from his arm none too gently and shook her head at the drink he offered her.

''No thanks. I can't drink that, you know, with the whole flame thing? It means water and me aren't that compatible.'' He set it down and leaned in closer. ''Well, I'll tell you a pairing that's most definitely compatible...'' She rolled her eyes. ''Not interested.'' ''Not interested? Evangeline, when Antceratops Shudder wants to get to know you, you are interested. You join his fan club. You ask around about him. And then you take your clothes off when he asks nicely. Well, most girls rip their clothes off.''

She shrugged with a mischevious half-smile. ''You seem like a shameless manwhore, so no, I'm not interested.'' Anton's jaw worked furiously for a few seconds before it set. ''Fine. You're not that hot in your outfit anyway.''

Evangeline's eyes glittered and she set her drink down. ''Really. Well, you'll want to watch this.'' She slid off her stool and drew the pins out of her hair, letting them clatter to the floor as she shook the auburn waves out around her face.

She marched off into the direction off the tables at the head of the room and Anton dashed over to where Tanith, Erskine, Dexter, Leo and Ghastly were standing talking. Ghastly turned to him with the same goofy smile and Anton shoved him. ''Hey, Anton!'' Dexter grinned, slinging an arm around him. ''We're thinking of starting a band called Tanith and the Babes. Want to be our groupie?'' ''There's no time for that,'' Anton hissed. ''I think Evangeline is going to do something _sexy_.''

He nodded over to where she was talking to Amara, Tariana and Reia. ''And I'm pretty sure your girlfriends are going to be doing something sexy too.''

Ravel and Dexter spun around and Leo looked too, because he was Leonardo DiCaprio. The four girls had climbed up onto the table and winked as the opening beats of Stripper came on the loudspeakers. ''Damn,'' breathed Dexter.

The group looked on as the girls started moving around the tables to the music and Tanith grinned. ''You guys are pretty lucky if you ask me.'' Ghastly looked at her. ''But you still like dinosaurs, right?'' ''Of course I do,'' she said, kissing the top of his suit.

Amara winked to the whooping crowd and the girls jumped up as they sang along to the chorus. Erskine, Dexter, Leo and Anton moved forward, gazes locked on the dancing girls. Tariana whipped around, her skirt twirling up around her legs again and Ravel's eyes widened. ''They're doing this on purpose.'' ''Yeah,'' said Dexter as the girls finished to cheers and applause. ''But I'm not complaining.''

When the four females made their way over, grinning, Dexter, Ravel and Leo spirited them off straight away. Evangeline, however, walked past Anton with the slightest hint of a smirk on her face. ''Sweet Jesus wumman, you proved me wrong.'' She winked.''Told you you'd want to watch it.''

''I'm fine, Skul. Someone was playing a prank and I got a bit freaked out. No big deal.'' Valkyrie picked up a drink from the bar and swallowed it in one.

The skeleton made an exasperated sound. ''Are you sure? You didn't sound fine five minutes ago. A fence painted with blood and laughter without any visible source doesn't sound good, Halloween prank or not.'' ''Skulduggery. I'm fine, honestly. This is your party. Go, relax, talk to people.''

''I don't like half the people at this party.'' But his voice wasn't as annoyed, so Valkyrie just rolled her eyes as she patted his arm goodbye, something inside her still not feeling completely right.

Skulduggery was so busy smiling at his girlfriend's retreating back he missed Anton rushing up to him. ''Emergency,'' he hissed, grabbing his friend's arm. ''There's a problem with Leo's iPod dock and the music's failing like Fletcher's April Fool's Day pranks.'' Skulduggery cocked his head. Sure enough, the music was coming in patchy bursts and the mages crowding the living room were wearing annoyed frowns.

''What do we do, then?'' Anton seized Skulduggery's arm again. ''We give them entertainment. Remember when we played at the Sanctuary Ball? And when you were on that case in America?'' ''If you want entertainment, how about you get Tanith and the Babes to do some dancing. I hear Ghastly is their mascot. Tariana and Reia are in the Warbler costumes from that glee club, they can sing.''

Anon gave him his famous evil grin. ''Let's find Ghastly and make him tell all the dinosaur-related knock-knock jokes he knows-'' He was cut off as a spotlight picked him and the skeleton out through the mass of bodies. Anton blinked, a hand against his eyes and looked towards the table/stage, where Erskine Ravel was holding a microphone and looking at them with a satisfied smirk. He cocked a finger towards his two friends and they pushed through the murmuring crowd towards him, stopping at the table as they looked up. ''What's up? You hear about the music?''

Erskine grinned. ''I did.'' Raising his voice, he yelled ''I think we have two volunteers for the rap battle!''

Skulduggery and Anton looked at each other, then back to Ravel. ''What.''

Erskine pulled them up onto the table by their arms and clapped Skulduggery's shoulder bone. ''Sorry about this, but it's the only way I can carry out my revenge plan.''

''Revenge plan?'' For once, Skulduggery sounded mystified. Ravel, leaning in towards Anton, hissed in his ear. ''This is for looking at my girlfriend's legs. Next time, I'll shave the hair off your sloth.'' Anton paled. ''You wouldn't dare-''

The Grand Mage smirked again. ''Try me. I'm sure a lot of guys would be very happy if you left their respective partners alone.'' Anton scoffed. ''Come on. You all make me out to be some huge pervert-'' ''Who here has been hit on by Anton?'' Erskine announced into the microphone. There was a silence, then about half the girls in the room raised their hands. Slowly, Leo put his arm up. Dexter dragged it back down. ''Freaking Shudder with his limbs like an octopus,'' he muttered.

Erskine turned back to Anton with a look that said _I think I've made my point_. ''Skulduggery and Anton, everybody!'' He jumped off the table, leading the applause as the two picked up microphones.

''You can go first,'' Anton said. Skulduggery looked slowly at the near-silent, staring crowd in his living room. ''I don't really have a choice, do I?'' ''No.''

Anton retreated to the back of the table and he pressed a few buttons on his own iPod, holding it up as a track beat started. Skulduggery nodded to him as the room looked on expectantly. _Remember_, he thought. _You are Ghetto Skul now. _He raised the microphone to his mouth. _Bring it._

''Yo yo yo! All you sucker MCs ain't got nothing on me, from my swag to my suits you can't touch Skully P! I'm a skeleton, so nerd is inferred, but forget what you heard I'm like James Bond the Third, sh-sh-shaken not stirred, Skully Pleasant! The P's silent when I sneak through your door, and make love to your woman on the bathroom floor. I don't play it like Shaggy, you'll know it was me, 'cause the next time you see her she'll be like OOH! SKULLY P!''

There was silence.

The garden was quieter now - a lot of the mages had gone inside because of some rap battle - and Valkyrie inhaled a breath of the cool night air. It was peaceful, and the only people around were a few wandering couples talking in hushed whispers. Valkyrie stood up from the bench to head back inside and collided with a light form. She leaped back, instantly defensive, but relaxed when she saw Evangeline looking back at her. ''Hey,'' she breathed. ''You scared me for a minute there.''

''It's OK,'' the other girl grinned. ''This party's pretty weird. I think I tripped over a dancing sombrero on my way out.'' Valkyrie winced as a door near them opened and a tipsy Fletcher was illuminated in the doorway. Someone had drawn a giant moustache on the back of his sombrero.

''Want to walk for a bit?'' Valkyrie asked, and Evangeline nodded gratefully. ''Thanks. I just want to get some fresh air before I head back in.'' They started off through the garden without any real purpose, and Valkyrie hesitated slightly before they walked past the fence that she had leaned on. In the moonlight, everything was heavily shadowed but she caught the look of concern on Evangeline's face. ''You OK?''

She opened her mouth, then closed it. ''I-I don't know. Something kind of weird happened to me about an hour ago, and I don't know if it was a Halloween joke meant for the first person to get near that fence or something else, it's just...'' she tailed off, then mentally willed herself to pull it together. ''Sorry. I guess I'm just paranoid.'' Evangeline shook her head, and her big eyes darted from side to side. ''You're not. Let's get back into the house. Something out here doesn't feel right.''

They crossed the now-empty back yard - the chill air must have forced the other mages back inside. The wind whistled faintly through the branches behind them and Valkyrie felt a tremor up her spine. Evangeline was getting faster, pulling her along and Valkyrie tripped with a little gasp as her heel caught in the ground. Evangeline turned around and righted her with a hurried ''Come _on,''_ but it was the expression on her face that made Valkyrie so frightened all of a sudden. She pulled herself up and they almost ran the last few metres back into the house, slamming the back door behind them.

She pressed her back up against it, hands braced against the wood and felt her body relax. The Elemental beside her let out a breath. ''Something's up.'' Valkyrie stared at her, and as the lights strobed over Evangeline's face, blue then green then red then purple then blue again, she felt a cold hand of fear sneak up her back. They were in what could count as a small porch, and the ajar door in front of them let through the lights and sounds of the party beyond. The cold back garden seemed a mile away. ''Are you sure? What can you feel?''

''I don't know, but something's wrong. Come on.'' She lead the way out of the porch, and almost the first person they ran into was Tanith.

The swordwoman's face was slack with panic, her eyes were weeping mascara and half her hair had come free from its plait, straggling down her back. ''Thank God,'' Tanith breathed. Valkyrie could feel her eyes widen in shock as she took in her friend's tattered appearance. ''What happened?'' she demanded. Tanith took in a hitched breath and locked eyes with Valkyrie. ''Fletcher's gone. So have the girls.''

Evangeline's eyes flashed. ''Gone? What do you mean by gone?'' ''We were playing truth or dare, we thought it would be a bit of fun for Halloween, and I dared them to go to the funeral parlour across the road - you know, the one that Skulduggery's always complaining about? Well, they're not back yet. And it's maybe just a feeling I have, but...I think something's...happened to them.'' Evangeline nodded tersely. ''We knew something was up. In the garden, everything felt wrong. Someone played a prank on Valkyrie earlier but...'' she looked up from her hands. ''There's something up tonight,'' she said in a calm tone. ''And if the others aren't back yet, then we have to go get them, or...''

She didn't finish the sentence, but with a dread sense coursing through her, Valkyrie knew she didn't need to.

They started up, pushing through the mingling and dancing sorcerers, pushing towards the front door as the lights spun over their faces.

The funeral parlour was deathly cold, and Valkyrie's blood felt like ice in her veins when Tanith unlocked the door and ushered her and Evangeline off the damp, streetlit pavement into the front room.

There was no light inside, and she banged into more than a few pieces of furniture making her way through the darkened room. The hallway beyond was just as dark, and shadows covered Tanith's face as she turned around, her voice hushed. ''Let's try the basement.''

''Isn't that slightly cliche?'' Evangeline gave her a faint grin, and opened the door to her left. ''Let's go.'' Valkyrie hurried after her into the black descent, and felt Tanith's sharp breath tickle against her neck.

The air grew colder as they walked down the rough wooden steps and Valkyrie shivered. ''It's colder down here because it's where they freeze the bodies,'' whispered Evangeline over her shoulder. ''That isn't really comforting,'' she whispered back. The stairs eventually levelled out to a thick door, which Evangeline pushed open shakily.

Lights flickered on overhead, one at a time, and the girl blinked at the harsh light illuminating the sterile room. Steel blocks lined each wall, and she tried not to imagine what was usually laid on them as Evangeline cried out and moved forward to the lumped sacking against the far wall...

...and Valkyrie realised with a dawning of horror that Tanith was no longer behind her.

''Fletcher,'' she heard Evangeline choke through a buzzing in her ears, and she stumbled forward. ''Evangeline,'' she said faintly. ''There's someone in here with us - they took Tanith -'' She cut off as she neared the wall and could feel her legs tremble. Fletcher was crumpled there, pale and broken and cold.

She touched the other girl's shoulder. ''God, don't say it. Please don't say it's him.'' Evangeline breathed in shakily. ''Valkyrie - I'm really sorry.''

She gulped in a lungul of air. ''We have to get out of here. Whoever they are, they've taken Tanith, and they're in the house right now-''

And that was when the lights cut out.

There was silence, then a shuffling sound. ''Valkyrie,'' Evangeline began. ''Is that you?''

''No.''

There was footsteps coming from her left. Valkyrie clicked trembling fingers to generate a spark, but her breathing was slightly hitching and she could feel panic coiling in her stomach. She took in a gulp of air and froze when she felt a movement behind her, the low chuckling laugh.

A hand moved in her hair, a whispered breath in her ear.'You're very pretty girls, aren't you?''

There was nothing else to do. She screamed. She heard Evangeline's cry and she threw her fists out, flailing blindly, desperate to get away from whatever was there behind her -

The lights flickered on again with a low buzzing, and the first noise Valkyrie heard was laughter. She whirled around and saw Shudder bent over, hands on knees, laughing so hard his face was red. Near the wall Leo was slumped against Ravel, both howling with mirth, and the jumbled mass of bodies that was Tanith, Ghastly, Dexter and Fletcher seemed to be beyond the point of mere hilarity.

Evangeline was staring open-mouthed at their friends and Valkyrie turned in time to see the door beside them open and Tariana, Reia and Skulduggery fall giggling out of it. She moved forward a few unsure paces. ''What...?''

''Your _face_,'' gasped Tanith, and the group exploded into laughter once more. ''This is going down as the supreme Halloween prank,'' Ravel sighed happily. ''If we had a camera...''

Valkyrie could feel her face growing as red as Shudder's, and she glared at her friends. ''The fence, the laughter, you going missing, that was all a _prank_?'' ''Anton did the creepy laughter you heard at the fence,'' Tanith supplied. ''He was practicing a laugh to go with his Joker costume. I was a bloody brilliant actress though, wasn't I?'' ''We painted the fence,'' Reia said, pointing to herself, Tariana and Amara. ''We would have told Eve but we didn't have enough time to fill her in before you came in.''

''We thought the whole thing up a few days ago when you said you didn't think Halloween was that scary.'' Dexter grinned and Shudder bumped his fist as he went to Evangeline. ''Told you I'd make you scream, babe,'' he murmured, and her body glowed with repressed flames. ''Anton, I honestly have never met anyone as annoying as you,'' she growled. He winked at her. ''You won't meet anyone as sexy as me, either.''

''I can't _believe _you,'' Valkyrie was hissing at Skulduggery. ''You terrifed me and broke into a funeral parlour and the others could have been dead for all I knew! Plus you must've bribed Tanith with something serious to make her lead me and Evangeline here as part of your awful prank-'' ''He promised me he'd pay for my sword to get cleaned,'' shrugged Tanith as she passed them.

''I should have let that dog eat your bones,'' scowled Valkyrie as they left the room.

It would be a lie to say that they returned to the party completely happy - Valkyrie was still sending death glares at most of the group - but they managed a grin when they saw the party had carried on. Fletcher yelled with delight as a new song came on and jumped into the dancing fray. ''OH HOT DAMN THIS IS MY JAM. KEEP ME PARTYING TILL THE A.M. Y'ALL DON'T UNDERSTAND!''

''_Do _you understand him?'' Skulduggery said to Ravel, who shook his head. ''Let him have his fun. Besides, I hear you're enjoying yourself too - something about you launching a career as a rap artist?'' Skulduggery groaned and sat down to tell the story as Dexter and Reia moved past him. She pushed back his hair with a grin. ''You should dress as Draco more.'' He flicked the collar of dark blue blazer. ''Only if you wear this Warbler outfit.'' She smirked, pulling up one of her knee-high socks slightly. ''Deal.''

Evangeline looked up as Shudder stopped in front of the couch she was lounging on. He lowered his dark eyes to hers and extended a hand. ''Care to dance?'' She looked at the proffered palm then back up to his face with a smile. ''I suppose one wouldn't hurt.'' He grinned and pulled her to her feet, swinging her into into the swirling crowd.

''They're quite nice together, aren't they?'' Tanith turned to Ghastly with a smile. ''I think so too. Though if tonight is anything to go with, they'll flirt for about four years before one of us begs them to get a move on and start dating.'' ''I don't really understand half of what you said, but it sounded awesome.'' His girlfriend laughed, looking out at the crowd. ''Want to go show them how real dancing is done?'' The tailor smiled happily, swinging his tail from side to side. ''Damn right!''

And they danced until the early light of dawn.


	50. Christmas Day And Dead Turkeys

_**This is sort of late, but my one year anniversary of being on fanfiction was two days ago, so I had to post this :) I want to say thank you to everyone who has bothered to read or review any of my stories, and to my three closest friends on here: Tariana, Evangeline and Mademise. You guys are all two awesome and I'd give you a thousand Grilled Cheesuses if I could xD**_

_**I can't take full credit for the rocket joke; it was born at the back of a particularly boring Modern Studies period. (With a friend a bit like Anton :/)**_

_**The Erskine part of Spin the Bottle will probably confuse you if you haven't read another fic of mine, SkulBook, but Anton's pet sloth Freddie once molested Erskine's leg. Erskine is still terrified of him to this day ;)**_

* * *

''OH MY GOD IT'S CHRISTMAS!''

Valkyrie groaned as the blonde bullet that was Fletcher shot into her arms with a hug. ''Hey, Fletcher,'' she said as she patted his back. He shut Gordon's front door behind him and grinned as he took off his gloves. ''I smell something seriously awesome. Has Tanith been making her mince pies again?''

''I think it's the smell of Ghastly's new eau de cologne,'' she said, nose wrinkling as she led Fletcher down the hall into the living room. The room was packed with laughter and exploding crackers and Fletcher smiled as they pased Anton, admiring his reflection in the mirror with a bored-looking Erskine beside him. ''I'm looking amazing,'' the hotel owner sighed happily. ''That's not a Christmas miracle, but merely an everyday reality.''

A few others were grouped around the fire exchanging presents and Fletcher gave a whoop, diving under the tree when he saw the presents with his name. Valkyrie slid to the floor beside Tanith and smiled at her friend. ''You want some help in the kitchen? I remember Mum going crazy last year when nobody would help her make dinner. Well, Dad tried, but he ended up setting the microwave on fire.'' The swordwoman laughed. ''Thanks, Val. I think Ghastly is a bit preoccupied,'' she added in a whisper, gesturing to where Ghastly and Skulduggery were rolling around on the carpet trying to get their newest Black Ops disk off the other.

Tanith gave a slight smirk and Valkyrie winced. ''Please stop mentally shipping my boyfriend with yours.'' ''I'm not doing it as often, promise!''

* * *

The ceiling of the main living room was high, and Evangeline craned her head back to look at the decorations adorning it. She pushed her hair back, and as she did so her hand brushed the string of mistletoe hanging above her head. There was a low laugh behind her and she sighed, not having to turn around to know who it was. ''I'm charmed that you grace me with your company, Anton. While others would say it was stalking, I know your intentions are entirely pure.''

He walked around to face her, eyebrows raised. ''Again, you wound me with your biting sarcasm.'' Evangeline smiled innocently. ''I didn't know your ego was small enough to wound. I thought your body is comprised of ninety per cent of ego, with maybe a bit of brain somewhere near your left foot.'' Anton rolled his eyes. ''You insult me. I'm ninety-five per cent ego. Don't doubt my appreciation of myself, because it is wide and epic in its scope.'' She nodded her head, then turned to leave. ''While this verbal sparring never fails to amuse me, and also leaves me wondering at how highly someone can think of theirself, I have to go. Tanith wants me to help make pudding.''

''Wait a moment,'' the hotel owner said with a sly smile, brushing a lock of black hair off his forehead. ''We're under the mistletoe. You know what that means?'' She shrugged. ''That it's my cue to run?'' He leaned closer. ''We should probably kiss. Wouldn't want to break tradition.'' Evangeline's eyes flickered to the side. ''Ummm, no. Is that why you have Erskine stationed behind the curtain with a camera?''

Erskine's head popped out from behind the thick drape. ''He promised me I would get the complete boxset of _Lost _if I took a picture of the two of you kissing! I don't usually condone this sort of thing!''

''I said maybe!'' Anton shouted. ''_Maybe _I would get you the boxset of _Lost_.''

His best friend scowled. ''Don't make promises you can't keep!''

Anton flapped his hand at him and turned back to Evangeline. ''So...traditions?''

She gave him another innocent smile as the mistletoe above their heads caught on fire, flames licking it until it dropped, black and burnt, onto the floor between their feet. ''I think we have different traditions.''

With that, she turned around and walked through through the door connecting the living room to the corridor beyond. Erskine came up behind Anton with a low whistle. ''It's just a shame this isn't a video camera. I could have captured you getting rejected for the fifteenth time on film.'' Anton pushed him over.

* * *

The kitchen was hot and steamy from all the baking going on, and Tariana blew out as she entered, pulling her hair off her neck. ''Sorry,'' said Tanith apologetically as she chopped up carrots to her left. ''The heating in here is mad.'' ''You don't say,'' Reia murmured as she pulled an apron on over her dress.

Amara, Evangeline and Valkyrie had already started making their cakes, and the other two girls joined them. ''How many baked goods does Tanith want at Christmas Dinner?'' Amara asked, folding a pastry case. ''We'll turn into the Pillsburghy Dough Boy if this keeps this up.''

Evangeline chuckled, then checked the instruction book in front of her. ''One moment. Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't there meant to be a turkey at dinner?'' The four other girls looked at her, then back to Tanith on the other side of the kitchen, stirring soup frantically. ''I think so,'' said Amara slowly. ''Remember, we sent out Ghastly and Erskine to get it last week?''

''They actually got a live turkey,'' said Tariana with a shrug. ''Erskine didn't want a dead one because apparently the guys had just seen a movie where all the monsters have dead turkeys over their heads and it freaked him out. So he got Ghastly to take him to a free-range farm and they got a live turkey.'' ''They did,'' Valkyrie confirmed. ''I know because they brought it back here. I don't think they could face killing it.''

Reia frowned. ''I thought Erskine was afraid of turkeys because Anton pushed one over his head one Christmas?'' Amara nodded. ''And I heard he had to _eat _his way out.''

''OK, let's not talk about Erskine eating his way out of a turkey,'' said Valkyrie, looking slightly sick. ''The turkey we have to focus on at the minute. After Ghastly gave it to me I put it behind that fenced-off bit of the garden, and he was there yesterday morning when I went to feed him. Does that mean he hasn't been killed yet?''

''Everything all right over there?'' Tanith called cheerfully. The girls smiled and nodded and when the blonde woman had turned around again they looked at each other. Reia put her head to the side. ''Let's send Fletcher out to kill it.''

''What?'' Amara said, wide eyed. ''We're talking about how to _kill a turkey_. This is bizarre.'' Tariana only looked confused. ''Why Fletcher? He's more likely to kill himself than the chicken.'' ''Because none of the other guys will do it right. Dexter will be smug for the rest of the evening if we asked him for help, Erskine would brag about it, Leo and Ghastly may make a big fuss about getting blood on their clothes - Skulduggery would in all likelihood kill us if his suit got stained - and Anton would probably make a hat out of the dead chicken and wear it through dinner.''

''She has a point,'' said Evangeline.

Valkyrie sighed. ''I'll go get Fletcher.''

* * *

In the living room, a war was brewing.

''Doctor Who.''

''Merlin.''

''Doctor Who.''

''Merlin.''

''Doctor Who.''

''Merlin.''

''DOCTOR WHO IS SUPERIOR IN EVERY WAY!''

''Take that back! Merlin for the win-''

Erskine broke off as Skulduggery pulled him off the couch. Leo sighed. ''Do we really have to argue about what TV programme we watch every Christmas?'' Dexter shrugged. ''It's tradition.''

''Screw traditions,'' grumbled Anton, nursing a bottle of wine. Dexter threw a duvet over him. ''Sleep tight, little Shudder,'' he said as Skulduggery and Erskine rolled past in a whirlwind of flailing limbs. ''Swords beat screwdrivers any day-''

''The Doctor can travel in time, Merlin is stuck in the Dark Ages-''

''The Dark Ages had the pox, I bet you'll get it for being such a heathen-''

''I'm a skeleton, I can't get pox-''

''WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT!''

''Should we break them up now?'' Leo whispered to Dexter. He smirked. ''Give it five more minutes.''

* * *

Fletcher swallowed. ''I'm not sure I can do this.''

''Of course you can, Fletcher,'' said Amara in a soothing voice. ''And if you do it we'll give you extra stuffing at dinner.'' ''I _do _like stuffing,'' Fletcher admitted.

''Look, just snap its head back. Quick and easy.''

He shivered. Gordon's back garden was cold, and though they stood in the warm doorway, the air was freezing. ''Why aren't any of you killing the turkey?''

Evangeline rolled her eyes, as if this should be obvious. ''We're helping Tanith make dinner. It would be unsanitary for us to do it.''

''OK. Fine. I can do this.'' He walked towards the fence that held the turkey, feet crunching on the thick snow. Reia rubbed her arms. ''We don't have to stay out here and wait, do we?'' ''God, no,'' said Valkyrie, and they hurried inside.

Amara checked her watch as the group walked down the corridor to the kitchen. ''It's just gone one. We'll have enough time to finish the cakes and-'' she was cut off by Fletcher, who slammed the back door behind him. ''It said my name,'' he said, sadly. ''I can't kill it now!''

Tariana raised her eyebrows. ''What in the Babe's name are you talking about?'' ''It loooked at me with its big eyes and went 'Blu-blu-blu-blu-blu-blu-FLETCHER!' It knows what I went to do. It has feelings!''

The girls exchanged glances as Fletcher put his head in his hands. ''It's fine,'' Valkyrie said finally. ''I'll go and do it.'' The Teleporter looked up, a smile spreading across his face. ''_Thank _you, Val.''

She sighed. ''No problem. But you better get some really strong detergent to destroy the bacteria on my hands.'' ''It's fine,'' said Reia. ''We can use some of Fletcher's hair gel. I'm pretty sure that kills everything it comes into contact with.''

* * *

After Valkyrie had come back from the garden with the dead turkey and a grim expression, making the rest of the meal had been easy. Evangeline twisted around to look at Tanith. ''Is it time to take the sausages out of the oven yet?

Tanith looked at the packet in her hands. ''I don't know.'' She looked up as Anton entered the kitchen, holding a bottle of brandy. ''Anton, what time is it?'' He smirked and fell to his knees, ripping his shirt off. ''A quarter past ATTRACTIVE!''

Valkyrie tried very hard not to laugh, but Reia and Evangeline were looking at the hotel owner in fascination. ''Damn,'' said Evangeline with an appraising gaze. ''I don't know if the Midnight Hotel has a gym or something, but you can't get a chest like that without putting a few hours of work in.''

The hotel owner shot them a drunk wink before getting to his feet and turning to Tanith. ''Anyway, I'd say it's about three.'' She nodded her thanks and surveyed the kitchen. ''I think we're done here for at least another half hour. Let's go see how the guys are doing.'' The other girls sighed in relief as they left the steaming kitchen and moved into the living room. ''Wow, nice nudity, Anton,'' called Dexter from the window seat. ''You know you love it,'' Anton shot back before pulling on a shirt.

From his position on the window seat with Dexter, Skulduggery waved to get the Crew's attention. ''My loyal followers. How about we go engage in a spot of pre-dinner friendly rivalry?''

''In English,'' called Erskine from the corner. Skulduggery sighed. ''I am constantly surrounded by Neanderthals. I propose we go out and have a snowball fight.''

''WOOOOOOOO!'' Anton was already out of the door. Fletcher streaked after him and Ghastly shrugged. ''Sounds like a plan.'' He winked at Tanith. ''Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough.'' She grinned and linked arms with him. ''I think you'll find that that's my line, Bespoke.''

Skulduggery locked eyes with Erskine across the room. ''Doctor Who is still better,'' he mouthed.

Erskine looked straight at him. ''Prepare to die again,'' he mouthed back.

Dexter walked past them. ''I'm going to leave the room before your eye fucking gets me pregnant.''

''We're not eye fucking!'' Skulduggery shouted after him, though Dexter was already out of the room. Erskine grinned at him and left with Tariana. Skulduggery narrowed his

* * *

''Two teams. Team One - Erskine, Tanith, Reia, Anton, Tariana and Valkyrie. Team Two - myself, Ghastly, Dexter, Evangeline, Leo and Amara. Eleven mages. A globetrotting Hollywood superstar. One prize - the Christmas Pudding.'' There was an intake of breath from the group standing in Gordon's snow-covered backyard.

''Where am I supposed to go?''

Everyone looked at Fletcher, in the middle of the two teams that were facing each other. ''I don't really want you in my team,'' said Skulduggery. ''I don't want him either!'' protested Erskine. ''This is just like fifth-year P.E,'' Fletcher mumbled.

''For goodness sake, we'll take him,'' said Valkyrie, pulling the Teleporter to stand on her side. ''Are you sure you want to do that?'' Anton whispered frantically into her ear. Valkyrie shrugged him off. ''So when are we going to start?''

Skulduggery glanced at his watch. ''...Now.''

There was a roar of ''For Camelot!'' as Erskine jumped on Skulduggery and began shoving snow at him. Tanith drew in a steady breath as Fletcher excitedly threw a ball of snow in her face. ''Fletcher, I'm in your team.'' ''Oh yeah.''

He shrugged and threw a snowball at Anton who turned around with a glare. ''I'm in your team too.'' Fletcher muttered an apology before tossing a ball at a blonde's back. ''Fletcher, that's me again!''

* * *

Tanith ran around Dexter, who was dropping snow onto Reia's laughing face, sliding to the ground as a volley of snowballs went sailing over her head. The air was thick with them and she sneaked up behind Ghastly, reaching out to drop the snow down his back before he turned around, pushing her down into the ground. She smiled as he wiped the snow out of her eyes. ''Aren't we on opposing sides?''

''I think we can take a five minute break.'' She raised her head and kissed him for all of five seconds before he was pushed off her. Skulduggery stood above them, gesturing wildly with his arms as he yelled. ''Fraternizing with the enemy, Ghastly! I am extremely disappointed in you-''

He was abruptly cut off as Erskine tackled him, bringing him face down into the snow. Ghastly got to his feet, giving Tanith his hand. ''Want to go find a tree to kiss in?'' ''Sure.''

Running past them, Amara waved at Evangeline. ''Hey, Gelly! Leo thinks that we can bury all the other team if we push all the snow off the trees. Come help us?''

The Elemental nodded, dusting the snow off her lap and as she stood up. There was a soft _thwump _behind her and she turned, managing a gasp before Anton knocked her over. He leaned on top of her and she glared. ''I think I can succesfully sue you for sexual harassment at this point.'' He rolled his eyes. ''None of the other lawsuits bothered me before.'' ''And again, I'm not surprised by that.''

Anton shifted slightly on top of her. ''Now, while I appreciate that you are almost as competitive as myself, I'm sure you must know that I can't let you 'bury my team in snow', as amusing as that would be.'' She smiled. ''I get it. And I'm happy you know just how competitive I am.'' Anton laughed. ''However competitive you_ are_, I know that there's no way I'm getting off you.''

Evangeline raised her eyebrows. ''Really?'' And she reached up and kissed him.

He froze for a short second before wrapping his arms around her, and she drew back and grinned before pushing him over and climbing up from under him easily. Anton sunk to his back in the snow as she ran off, a slow grin spreading across his face.

''_Awesome_,'' he breathed.

* * *

The snowball fight lasted another ten furious minutes before most of the Crew collapsed, exhausted and saturated, onto the ground.

There was two people left standing.

Skulduggery faced Erskine across the yard, the latter's hair pasted across his face from the melted snow. Skulduggery's eyes glittered. ''This has to end some time, Erskine.''

The Grand Mage shrugged. ''I can stay here all night.'' Skulduggery smirked tightly. ''Is that so?''

He flung his arm out, snowball flying towards Erskine, who dropped to the ground in a roll, bringing his leg out in an arc as he spun to his feet, scooping up a ball of snow.

Erskine looked Skulduggery square in the eye. ''This is for Merlin, asshole,'' he said, and threw the snowball in the detective's face.

There was a cheer from the scattered members of Erskine's team and he punched the air. ''Christmas Pudding and eternal pride is mine!''

The others managed to pick themselves off the ground, and when they got back into the living room they peeled off their wet jackets and claimed the armchairs in front of the fire to dry off. Amara raised her head off the side of the couch, blinking sleepily. ''Shouldn't we go check on the dinner? Tanith would have done it, but I think she's still kissing Ghastly in a tree somewhere.''

''It was a bush, actually,'' said the tailor himself, pulling off his gloves as he entered the room. ''And Tanith's checking the dinner now.'' Fletcher yawned. ''Great. I'm starving.'' He shook his damp hair out, flecks of water hitting the girls sitting at the fireplace.

Meanwhile, Erskine, Anton, Tariana and Evangeline were sat at a side table. Tariana was doodling, and Anton seemed to snap out of his kiss-fueled haze as he glanced at the picture. ''What's that?''

Tariana blinked at him. ''It's a rocket, I guess. I was copying the design on Leo's T-shirt.'' Anton gave his signature paedo grin. ''It doesn't look like a rocket. It looks like a-''

''Dinner's ready!'' Tanith called, and Erskine breathed a sigh of relief. ''Come on, let's head through to the dining hall.'' When the girls had turned around he shot Anton a look that clearly said _We'll have a talk about your perverting later_. Anton shrugged. ''Haters gonna hate.''

* * *

Apart from the ballroom, the dining hall was the grandest room in the house. The high vaulted celings were still slightly dusty from the room's lack of use in Gordon's ownership, but the glittering Christmas lights and candelebras gave the room a cheerful glow.

Skulduggery pulled Valkyrie's seat at the dining table, only half taken up by the company using it at that moment, out for her and she slid into it with a smile. Reia and Amara had decorated the table, and at every few inches along the white tablecloth there would be springs of holly, baskets of fruit and tapered candle holders.

The last person to come in was Tanith, setting down another plate of food. She glanced down the table at the waiting faces and sighed. ''I should probably make a big speech about how lucky we are all to be together and all that. But I know you're dying to eat, so I'll just say Merry Christmas and be done with it.''

There was a whoop from Anton's end of the table, and soon the room was filled with the sounds of soft chatter and plates being filled up. Erskine smiled at Tariana (after proclaiming how he would savour the look on Skulduggery's face almost as much as he would savour the Christmas Pudding) as he poured her drink out for her. ''Merry Christmas,'' he said, and she grinned as he leaned forward and kissed her. Anton, directly across from them, choked on his stuffing. ''Well done, Erskariana,'' he beamed. ''I've finally taught you something.'' Tariana drew back. ''Sorry, I just can't kiss you with him looking at us like that.'' She rolled up her napkin and threw it at Anton. ''Naughty Shudder.''

Reia rolled her eyes as she patted the collars of her dress down. ''Maybe we'll get through one dinner where someone doesn't try to smack someonebody else.'' Fletcher grinned around his fork. ''That's what she said.'' Anton glanced at the Telporter with a pondering look crossing his face. ''Who is this dirty-minded and all-knowing 'she'?''

''Yeah, you would totally screw her.''

* * *

After dinner Tanith enlisted Ghastly, Tariana and Amara to help wash the numerous dishes. The other members of the Crew gathered again in the living room and Dexter choked on his Coke slightly as he looked at Tariana's drawing of the rocket. Anton had drawn an arrow pointing to it, with the caption 'Hurts the sky'.

The window seat was now comandeered by Leo and Evangeline. The actor was grinning at Evangeline's pleading gaze. ''Please give me Cillian Murphy's phone number? _Please_?''

He stood up, taking his mobile from his pocket, pretending to scroll through his adress book. ''Well, it would be amusing if he got another stalker fangirl...'' He broke off as he noticed the wide eyes of Anton, standing behind Evangeline and making cutting gestures at his neck while shaking his head violently. Leo frowned slightly before turning back to the girl in front of him. ''Uh-actually, I'm not too sure-''

She laughed and took Leo's phone. ''Come on, we both know the sort of hilarity that will happen if I get his number-'' She was cut off as Anton barged into her, grabbing the phone from her hand and throwing it on the floor before stamping on it. When the mobile was nothing more than scrap metal and platic he looked up to see Evangeline and Leo watching him, eyebrows raised. He shrugged. ''I tripped.''

They were interrupted by Erskine's voice announcing ''Come on! Christmas Spin the Bottle!'' Leo groaned. ''I hate these games. I always end up kissing the perverts.'' Ahead of him, Anton turned around and winked.

Tanith, Ghastly and the two girls came through from the kitchen and the thirteen of them settled in a circle above the mistletoe that replaced the sprig Evangeline had earlier burnt. Dexter placed his empty bottle of coke in the middle of the group. ''Leo, want to go first?''

The actor shook his head with a smile. ''I think I'll sit this one out. Big role coming up, I don't want want to get sick - not that I think any of you have mono.'' But he looked suspiciously at Anton.

''Fine, I'll go,'' Skulduggery sighed, spinning the bottle. ''Though I can't believe I'm actually taking part in this.'' The bottle slid to a halt, stopping at Valkyrie. She grinned ruefully and slid across the space to give her boyfriend a brief kiss. There wasn't anything unusual about Skulduggery's first spin landing on Valkyrie, but when it came to his turn after Ghastly kissed Tariana (Erskine glaring at him the whole time) the bottle landed on Valkyrie again. Fletcher frowned. ''This is odd.'' Skulduggery shrugged as he leaned over. ''I don't mind.''

When Skulduggery's spin of the bottle landed on Valkyrie for the fourth time, Reia laughed on his other side. ''I can't believe this. Skulduggery's actually manipulating the air so the bottle stops at Valkyrie!''

The detective hissed and the group burst out into snickers. Dexter patted him on the shoulder. ''Smooth, Skulduggery. Smooth.'' Valkyrie rolled her eyes. ''I'm flattered, but also creeped out.'' ''That means you're pulling a Caelan,'' Erskine stage-whispered at Skulduggery, who shoved him away with a ''I still haven't forgiven you for that cheap shot with the snowball.''

After Amara had kissed Anton (''Yet another hot blonde I've hooked up with!'') and Tanith had kissed Evangeline to the vast approval of the men, Erskine twirled the bottle around. It spun lazily, slowing to a stop at Dexter. There was a few whistles and Erskine closed his eyes as he sat up on his knees and leaned across the circle to Dexter. ''Just so you know, I won't enjoy this.''

Dexter gave a fiendish grin as he held up a mask to his face. ''Oh, but I will.'' Erskine's face tightened in confusion, and he opened his eyes to see Anton's pet sloth staring back at him. He screamed in a manly sort of way and jumped backwards, landing on a hysterically-laughing Ghastly. ''Oh my God, your _face_,'' gasped Valkyrie as she slumped onto Tanith's shaking shoulder.

The top of Erskine's cheekbones flushed and he glared at Dexter. ''How could you put a mask of that _thing_ up to me? I nearly had a heart attack!'' Dexter shrugged. ''Very easily. It weighed nothing on my conscience.''

''Ah, if only Freddie were here right now,'' grinned Anton. ''He would be so happy.''

''Might I remind you all that he _molested _me?!'' Erskine shouted. ''I have nightmares about him raping my leg!'' ''Are you sure they aren't joyful daydreams?'' The rest of the group laughed at Erskine's look of horror.

''I think I'll be going now. Tara, can we go before any more of my dignity is lost?'' Tariana grinned as she clasped Erskine's hand and sat up. ''Oh no, I think it's completely gone.'' Dexter and Reia stood up from their place on the chaise lounge. ''We came with Erskine and Tariana here, so we'll be leaving too.'' Dexter winked at the other males. ''Don't worry; I'll make sloth jokes the whole way home.''

Anton bumped his fist and joined the group shrugging on their jackets and heading out of the door. ''I'll leave with them, if not for the ride, then for the sloth jokes.'' He turned as he left and winked at Evangeline. ''I'll see you on New Year's Eve.''

She turned to Amara beside her with a slightly anxious look. ''New Year's? He isn't going to climb into my bed, is he?''

The blonde girl laughed. ''He means the annual Sanctuary New Year's Ball. You'll have to come, everyone wears these gorgeous dresses.'' She leaned forward. ''Guild once wore a kilt. It was horrific.''

Leo smiled, rising up from his armchair. ''Well, I better get going too. Amara, Evangeline, want a lift?''

The girls smiled and stood up, and Tanith and Ghastly looked at each other. The tailor nodded slightly as if confirming an unasked question. ''You know, I've got a suit that needs finishing. Let's get home.''

Tanith leaned forward and gave Valkyrie a kiss on the cheek. ''Thanks for letting us hold Christmas Day here, Val. I'll see you in a couple days to go dress shopping.'' She laughed at Valkyrie's grimace. ''It won't kill you to show off these amazing legs once in a while. I'm sure Skulduggery will appreciate it.''

When the the the last sounds of the group calling ''Merry Christmas!'', car doors slamming and engines speeding off silenced, the three left sat in the empty living room. Skulduggery shifted slightly. ''I wonder what Tanith meant by me appreciating your legs?''

Fletcher stood up. ''Well, this got awkward, so I'm going to leave now.'' He waggled his eyebrows with a lewd grin before Teleporting and Skulduggery shook his head. ''I swear to all that is holy, one of these days I'll kill him.'' Valkyrie sighed. ''And I'm not entirely convinced I would stop you.''

Skulduggery pointed above their heads. ''Look. Mistletoe.'' Valkyrie looked up to it, then back down to him. She grinned. ''Wouldn't want to mess with tradition.''


	51. New Year's Eve and Shooting Chandeliers

_**MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.**_

_**(I don't know why I just wrote that. It seemed appropriate.)**_

_**This chapter follows the 2011 New Year's Ball, mentioned in the last chapter.**_

_**Also...EVANGELINE IS HERE! *happy dancing* And she is just as awesome in real life as I knew she would be ;)**_

_**Evangeline: Hiiii I'm with Reia! You jealous? *trollface***_

_**Reia: Damn, this A/N is going to be long. But I don't care. *laughs creepily***_

_**Evangeline: Har har, we'll write it again at the end! *is a troll, and so is Reia***_

_**Reia: They see me trollin', they hatin' ;)**_

_**Evangeline: Okay, now let's write and go all epic on their asses!**_

_**Reia: While appreciating William/Thomas, of course (I got Evangeline into Downton Abbey. WATCH IT. Your life will be complete.)**_

_**Evangeline: It will be. WILLMAS IS LIFE AND NOTHING HURTS!**_

_**Reia: It is, my wise gay love-appreciating Swedish friend *bows* Now, TO THE WRITING. *Explosions go off in distance***_

* * *

''Hey guys, I can fit my whole fist in my mouth!''

''Get away from the alcohol, Fletcher. It is evil.''

Fletcher yawned, turned over and fell off the couch. Nobody helped him up.

He whined and looked up at the other men standing over him. ''I think I've broken my lower back,'' he observed. ''I am in intense agony. Maybe even mortal peril. Ghastly, please start writing my eulogy.''

Ghastly blinked, surprised. ''You know how to say 'eulogy'? Maybe there is hope for you after all.''

The Teleporter smiled smugly and rolled over onto Ghastly's shoes. He was kicked none too gently in the head. Ghastly looked down, slowly, foot drawing back from Fletcher's head. ''Don't. Even. Think. About. Touching. My. Babies.'' ''Does Tanith know that you have children?'' Fletcher said, confused. ''Because I think that's a bit too much commitment for her to take on right now. She needs a man that can satisfy her needs. A man that isn't tied down. A man like the Flerminator-''

This time, it was Skulduggery that kicked him. ''A man? You can barely walk without crawling. Maybe we can consider manhood once you're potty trained.''

The other men grinned, and turned back to the mirror that lined the wall of Erskine's living room.

''Christ, I'm hot,'' said Anton, a surprised expression crossing his face as he saw his reflection. Erskine groaned. ''You think you get used to his ego, and then he comes out with a line like that.'' Anton shot him a sideways look. ''Well, I think _I _get used to how mind-blowingly gorgeous I am and then I look in a mirror and go 'Holy shit'-''

Erskine shoved him over. ''You can get off the floor once the weight of your ego isn't holding you down.'' Anton shrugged his shoulders. ''I can get used to living here.''

Dexter turned around, brushing his hair. ''Guess who moved next door!'' He sat on Anton with a grin. ''Hey, neighbour.''

The hotelier rolled his eyes as he shoved Dexter off his lap. ''Go kiss Leo. My ego is too big for anyone to even attempt to come close. My ego-residence is a castle complete with moat, drawbridge and several small forts. My ego is _untouchable_.''

Fletcher looked at the other men. ''Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?''

Skulduggery nodded. ''I think we are.''

''TOUCHABLE!'' Erskine screamed as the boys jumped on top of Anton. The hotel owner squirmed under the pile as Leo's foot ground into his face. ''No! Not my face! You can't deprive the world of such beauty! I-''

* * *

''I wonder how the boys are doing?''

Tanith turned around, wand of mascara in hand as she looked at the other girls in the room. Valkyrie was on the bed plaiting Amara's hair and Tariana, Evangeline and Reia were applying various items of makeup beside her at the mirror.

''Probably filling the house with water to see if I really melt,'' said Evangeline, putting her tube of lipgloss down.

''All too likely,'' Valkyrie called from the bed, as she finished Amara's hair and stood up, shaking out her customary black dress. ''Tanith, this feels uncomfortable. I can most definitely see my knees.''

Her best friend grinned coyly. ''That isn't a bad thing at all.'' ''You should hear my dad on the subject,'' Valkyrie grumbled, settling into a throw-draped chair in the corner. ''Knees are his Kryptonite.'' Tanith put her tube of mascara down on the mirror's ledge. ''Come on. You look great. We _all _do.''

Tariana smiled back at her. ''We do. The only thing is, I'll have to change if Guild comes to the Ball this year. You remember what he was like last time he was set loose in a room full of women in dresses.''

The girls blanched, the Paedo!Guild Scandal of 2010 still fresh in their minds. Evangeline looked at the faces of the girls and winced. ''Don't tell me. I am _so_ glad not to have been there when Guild went on his infamous paedo stalk.''

''If Anton's going to be in the same room as you tonight, I bet there's going to be a second paedo stalk,'' grinned Tariana, ducking the cushion Evangeline threw at her. ''I mean, since you and him got your mack on last week during the snowball fight-''

She was cut off as Evangeline jumped on top of her, hand over her mouth. ''No talking! Talking is not permitted!''

Tariana's eyes laughed as she looked up at Evangeline's frantic face.

''Ooooooooh, get some,'' came Fletcher's voice from the door.

''Bloody hell, that's my girlfriend!'' Erskine said, eyes widening as he looked through the doorway.

''Shut up Erskine, this is enjoyable.''

''Hey!'' Anton said, head poking around the door. ''Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?'' He slowly raised a video camera to his face. ''I think you are.''

''You're a paedophile, Anton,'' Tanith scowled. ''And you were all supposed to wait for us to get ready before meeting us!''

Erskine shrugged as the other boys appeared in the doorway. They were all dressed in various cuts of tuxedos, complete with white gloves. Skulduggery wore his usual tie, and Ghastly's shoes were so shiny they momentarily blinded anyone who looked at them. Fletcher had his hair swept back for once, and it gave him an air of mystery and hotness. Which was weird. Because it was Fletcher.

''I know we were supposed to wait for you, but Anton and Fletcher convinced us that we might catch you changing, so we were persuaded to Teleport in.''

''Don't look at me,'' Fletcher shrugged, noticing the girls' glares. ''I'm drunk.''

Valkyrie sighed, walking up to put her hand in Skulduggery's. ''I thought I told you to keep him away from the alcohol?'' The detective shrugged. ''I'm a genius, not a miracle worker.''

Erskine looked down at Evangeline as she climbed carefully off Tariana. ''You know, you could always just lie there,'' he suggested carefully. Tariana frowned up at him. ''I am _this _close to replacing your face in all the pictures of us with Kurt's, just so you know.'' Erskine smiled as he pulled her to her feet. ''Just a suggestion. I'm fine with me replacing Evangeline, just so _you _know.''

''Being best friends with Anton has rubbed off on you,'' she muttered.

''Wait, what's all this about rubbing off on someone?'' Anton had sauntered over, hands in his trouser pockets.

''Typical. You mention some naughty sexual act and he zooms over like a moth to light.''

Anton nodded sagely. ''Accuarate sentence is accurate.''

''Well, all this banter is certainly amusing, but I'd like to get to the New Year's Ball now.'' Ghastly checked his watch as the Crew gathered beside Fletcher, who stretched his arms out for them to grab onto. ''We'll be right on time,'' the tailor said, looking at Tanith's body, clad in an electric blue form-fitting dress, up and down with a smile. ''And I expect to have the first dance from you. You're far too attractive tonight to go to waste.''

''No eye raping, Ghastly!'' Anton shouted.

* * *

After they Teleported, the Crew arrived in the Sanctuary's Entrance Hall, mages mingling about as they spilled into the ballroom, snatches of conversation reaching their ears.

''Well,'' said Erskine, as he offered Tariana his arm, ''shall we?'' She rolled her eyes, but took his arm with a smile. ''You're such a charmer.''

''Whoo! Whoo! Erskariana!'' called a low voice from the back of the group. No-one turned around. They all knew it was Anton.

Erskine lead the Crew into the ballroom, and the group raised their eyebrows and made sounds of appreciation as they admired the room. The first thing anyone noticed was the light, sparkling from the chandelier and lamps, and the bar stretching across one wall. Various chairs and sofas were scattered around the sides of the room, and balconies looked over the marbled dancefloor where couples twirled, women's dresses flowing out as they danced.

The group stopped at the Announcer, and he looked them over with a practiced eye before raising his head as he called out the names of each partner entering the room. ''The Grand Mage Erskine Ravel and Tariana Grace, Elder Ghastly Bespoke and Tanith Low, Prime Detective Skulduggery Pleasant-'' ''I hate you,'' Skulduggery whispered as they walked past. ''-and, um, Valkyrie Cain, Dexter Vex and Reia Kellyn, Leonardo DiCaprio-'' there was an audible sigh of contentment as the gazes of the mages in the room fell on Leo and his cheekbones, ''-and Amara Calla...''

The Announcer looked at Anton and Evangeline, who were arguing furiously in front of him.

''Look, if he calls out our names together it doesn't mean _we're _together-''

''Oh please, I know that you'll only use this as an opportunity to-''

''Would I really-''

''_Yes._''

He scoffed. ''As if you wouldn't like me using it as an opportunity-'' ''Are you sure you're not together?'' The Announcer asked suspiciously. The two mages whipped their heads around to glare at him.

He looked away hastily. ''Fine, fine, be like that if you want.'' He raised his voice again, turning to the room as he called out ''Evangeline Evergreen, _by herself, _and Anton Shudder, _who totally isn't getting any_.''

Anton glared at him as he walked past. ''You are a mean, _mean_, man,'' he hissed. The Announcer shrugged. ''At least I've got a girlfriend.'' He winked at Evangeline, who raised her eyebrows. ''And by 'I've got a girlfriend', I mean I'm in an open relationship.''

Again, he was on the receiving end of a glare from Anton. ''I can and will cut you,'' the hotelier said with a dark look. The other man chuckled, looking sideways at Evangeline. ''Of course you will.'' ''I carry a knife,'' said Anton. The Announcer stopped laughing.

''Okay, you can maybe use that knife to cut the testosterone that erupted just now,'' Evangeline announced, standing between the two men. ''But you have no reason to cut the Announcer, because you're not jealous, right?''

Anton looked between the Announcer and Evangeline several times. He swallowed. ''Let's go get a drink,'' he said suddenly, pulling Evangeline away to the bar.

The Announcer looked down at the ground. ''Forever alone.''

* * *

On the dancefloor, Ghastly was twirling Tanith around so fast she almost caught Skulduggery a glancing blow with her foot. ''Watch it,'' he said, his facade's eyes narrowing as he looked at his friends' erratic dancing. ''I half expect them to go at it right in the middle of the crowd,'' he murmured in Valkyrie's ear as he pulled her away, one hand returning to her waist as another draped across her shoulder.

''Leave them be,'' she grinned as they moved around under the sparkling chandelier. ''If Ghastly ends up getting her pregnant - which is going to happen sooner or later, we have to admit it - I would get to be godmother.''

Skulduggery looked at her. ''You, being the godmother? It is I who will be godparent to their first born.''

Valkyrie frowned. ''Is that so?''

Across the other side of the ballroom, Leonardo was looking uneasily at the ring of sorcerers surrounding him. ''So pretty,'' one breathed.

''I could cut cheese on these cheekbones,'' an older female mage said softly.

''I bet his hair feels like a thousand dreams,'' said another, familiar, breathy voice.

''Fletcher!'' Leonardo snapped. The Teleporter looked up from his spot in the crowd of fangirling mages. ''What? They're right.''

''We're leaving now,'' the actor said, grabbing Fletcher's hand and twirling him onto the dancefloor. The Teleporter took a deep breath. ''Every...dream...coming...true...'' ''Please be quiet and dance with me. They're still looking at us.'' Fletcher craned his head over Leo's neck to see the mages glaring at where they moved on the floor. ''No, let them look. They're gonna be _so _jealous of me in the morning.''

Leo groaned. ''I'm stuck with you all night, amn't I?'' The blonde beside him smirked. ''Like a limpet.''

* * *

Madam Mist was droning. Erskine watched her wearily as he raised his glass to his lips, sighing as she kept up her never-ending stream of boring.

''There is no doubt Pleasant is a fine detective. Our finest, if you want to be exact, but I do not think anyone will dispute that fact. But a raise? He's already paid a substantial amount, though we have considerable resources that are more than sufficient to pay for any extra costs our employees might demand. He's asking for a five percent raise and while that is hardly extortionate, a three percent raise would be more appropriate. Well, to be perfectly honest, our stocks have decreased in value by point 5 percent in the past month. Perhaps it would be-''

She stopped talking as Erskine fell off his chair. ''Sorry,'' he murmured, standing up. ''I think I fell asleep.''

The two Elders turned around as Anton came up behind them, clasping a hand on his friend's shoulder. ''Apologies and all that crap, but Erskine has to come with me. Matter of national importance, you understand.''

He led Erskine away, who rolled his eyes as Anton's hurried footsteps. ''What's up? You need someone to brush your hair? Hot girl at the bar and you need a wingman?''

''I'm saving you from the evil monologue woman,'' Anton said defensively. ''I'm being a good bro. And yeah, there's this totally fine chick serving drinks.'' Erskine sighed as he was deposited on a bar stool, though he smiled when he saw Tariana on his other side. ''I'm so glad you got here,'' she whispered. ''Anton gives this really creepy grin whenever the bartender bends over. It's weird.''

Beside them, Anton screwed up his face as he tasted his drink and dropped it back onto the bar. ''This is flat peach cider! I asked for _sparkling _peach cider.'' The bartender turned around with one eyebrow raised. ''And what do you want me to do about it?''

''I don't know. Blow bubbles into it. But not really, because that's disgusting.'' The bartender picked up his drink and Anton put his hand out to stop her. ''Can I get an apple cider instead?''

She glowered at him, tossing her hair as she carried off his half-empty glass. ''And why exactly should I get you it?''

''I slept with you!'' Anton yelled at her retreating back. ''You should be grateful! Girls would pay for that sort of one-night stand!''

''It's over,'' Erskine said as Anton sank back onto his barstool. ''She's gone.''

Anton moaned and dropped his face into his crossed arms on the bar surface. ''These girls are going to kill me.''

''Should I take that literally, or am I hoping for too much?''

Erskine smiled as Evangeline's voice reached them. ''He'll be shot by one of them sooner or later. Don't give up hope. I sure haven't.''

''You know you couldn't live without me, Ravel,'' Anton yawned, raising his head. ''My absense of sexiness would rip a hole in your life.'' ''Keep dreaming.'' ''Oh, I do.''

The hotelier turned half around in his chair with a smirk firmly in place. ''Miss Evergreen. So good of you to join us.'' Evangeline returned the smirk. ''The pleasure is all mine.''

Tariana leaned over to Erskine, her voice low. ''Are they aware of the innuendos they're using, or...'' He shrugged. ''Beats me. But this _is _Anton we're talking about. Want to dance? It's a handy escape from the eye sex.''

She smiled. ''Sure.''

The couple slid off their stools and Erskine turned his head around as he walked with Tariana onto the dancefloor. Anton was balancing his new glass on his head as Evangeline rolled her eyes. Erskine's mouth tightened in amusement as he placed his hands around Tariana's waist. ''Let's not disturb them.''

* * *

''I would be the godparent.''

''No, me.''

''Oh _please_.''

''You would be a terrible godparent!''

''Take that back!''

''I would be an epic godparent. You would drop the baby on its head or something. If I was godparent it could play with Alice.''

''If your sister is anything like you, she'll probably bite Ghastly and Tanith's baby.''

''She's not a barbarian! Which is more than I can say for you.''

''I'm a skeleton, not a barbarian. Get your facts in order.''

Valkyrie glared at him before throwing her hands in the air. ''This is ridiculous. Why don't we just ask Ghastly and Tanith themselves who would be the godparent?'' Skulduggery shrugged. ''I don't know if we should. I mean, can you cope with the rejection?''

''I swear to God...''

She looked up as the clock dominating the top of the ballroom's front wall chimed. ''Ten o'clock.''

The man beside her shook his head sadly. ''_I_ don't have to state the obvious, Valkyrie. I think we can both agree that one, it is definitely ten o'clock, and two, the baby would be a lot smarter if I was its godparent.''

Valkyrie's jaw worked furiously as she tried to think of a comeback. ''I hate you,'' she finally said. Skulduggery laughed. ''And the baby will obviously have my eloquence and talent at speeches.'' ''You are awful at making speeches!'' ''That's one person's opinion. And don't forget my snappy dress sense. My dress sense is not to be underestimated. Have you seen the tuxedo I'm wearing? It is, as Ghastly said, fabulous.''

''Ghastly only said that because he made it.'' ''Doesn't make it any less true.''

The two stopped their argument as Dexter, Reia and Amara passed. Dexter leaned against the wall, loosening his bowtie. ''How are the two of you getting on?''

''Excellently,'' Skulduggery said smoothly. ''In fact, we were just listing my best attributes. Got anything to add to the list? It's pretty long already, but we can all agree there isn't an end to the talent of some people. Namely, myself.''

Valkyrie made a sound very like 'Baahhhhhh' and stormed off, shoes clicking against the floor. The other three looked at her disappearing through the crowd, then back to Skulduggery. Skulduggery looked back at them. ''I think she might have food poisoning. The salmon canapes did look fishy, if you excuse my pun.''

He moved off after Valkyrie, and Dexter went very pale. ''I ate those canapes.''

Reia patted the twist of her hair as she moved off with the other two. ''Don't worry. I can stroke your hair if you start being sick.''

''Are you sure you won't just be doing that to feel my hair?''

She looked at his glossy, swept-back waves. ''Of course not.''

* * *

''Tanith. YOU HAVE TO TELL ME. When you and Ghastly have a baby will I be godparent?''

The blonde woman looked at Valkyrie's face as she twisted around the dancefloor with Ghastly. ''What do you mean, _when _we have a baby?'' Valkyrie shook her head. ''Considering the amount of times the two of you sleep together, I'm surprised you aren't pregnant already. Now come on. You'll choose me over Skulduggery, right? He's a skeleton! The baby would be terrified.''

Ghastly looked at the two females before him. ''Don't I get a say in this?''

They ignored him.

''Val, I'm pretty sure we're not having a baby any time soon. Ghastly's shoes take up our everyday life anyway.''

''Hey!'' Ghastly said. ''Keep your voice down. You might hurt their feelings.''

''But you'll pick me as godparent, right?'' ''Not a chance,'' said Skulduggery, sliding to a stop beside them. ''I am prime godparent material. But let Valkyrie down gently. I know that if you had to have a second choice - not that you would, we all know I'm perfect for the role - it would be her.''

''Actually,'' said Tanith, looking slightly awkward, ''if we ever do have a child then Erskine is going to be godparent. Him being the Grand Mage and halfway mature and all.'' Skulduggery's head snapped back as if Tanith had hit him. ''But I'm mature! I'm more mature than Erskine! He's nine months younger than me!''

''Yeah, because that really makes a difference,'' Valkyrie muttered. Skulduggery frowned at her. ''Don't pretend you're not as upset about this as I am!''

Ghastly leaned forwards slightly. ''And the two of you are the godparents to my Prada loafers, don't forget.''

The three others turned to look at him. Ghastly shrank back. ''Okay, you can all forget I'm standing here.''

His girlfriend turned back to Valkyrie and Skulduggery. ''Look, you can be godparents to lots of other kids. Why are ours so important to you?'' Skulduggery stuck his lips into a pout. ''Because your children will be able to fight like beasts, make Oscar-worthy clothes and have amazing hair! I don't know what person wouldn't want to be godparent to your kids.''

''I wouldn't,'' said The Announcer as he passed them.

''Nobody asked you!''

''Our kids are going to be such bosses,'' Ghastly said dreamily. Tanith sighed. ''Great. Just what we need. A broody Ghastly.''

''I bet he'll be the one to wear the apron when he cooks dinner,'' Skulduggery grinned at Valkyrie. She laughed and nodded. ''And he'll be the one to discuss outfits with his teen daughter.''

''While Tanith plays football with their boy in the back yard.''

''And I bet Ghastly will make apple pie. Lots of apple pie.''

''Baked into the shape of loafers.''

''Naturally. And Tanith will go out on the pull to help the son pick up girls.''

''Ghastly will buy all their clothes.''

''And slap them when they buy something that doesn't go with their complexion.''

''I can see it already.''

Tanith pushed her hair over her shoulder. ''This is just embarassing, so we're going off now. Ghastly, you coming? Ghastly?'' She turned to see him staring off into space. ''Our shopping trips will be legendary,'' he whispered.

''I'm worried,'' Valkyrie said. ''Now that Ghastly wants kids not one piece of Ireland will be safe from their activities that should probably be kept in the bedroom.''

Skulduggery nodded. ''The trees won't be safe.''

''Neither will the cars.''

''Or the bushes.''

''Or walls.''

''Or couches.''

''Or buses.''

''Or Anton's paedo cupboard.''

''Or Ghastly's office.''

''Or changing room stalls.''

''Or my house.''

''Or really anyone's house.''

''Or telephone poles.''

''Or park benches.''

''Or the Bentley.''

''HEY. But yes, really nothing will be untouched from their coitus...ing. Apart from their beds. They'll probably be the only things that remain intact from the sexual armageddon that they bring down upon us. Sexmaggedon. Even the name fills me with horror.''

''You know,'' Ghastly said. ''I don't think we have actually slept together in my office yet.''

Tanith looked at him. ''I think we should maybe go rectify that mistake now.''

''I think we should.'' Ghastly took the blonde's hand and led her off through the crowd. Skulduggery stared after them. ''What have we done?''

Valkyrie sighed. ''Unleashed a monster. But come on. At least Erskine will get godparent status out of it.''

''Who cares about Erskine? He's the Grand Mage. He gets to order people around like slaves and everyone still puts up with it.'' ''Yeah. But you're the one that gets to beat people up.''

He sighed. ''And now you've just reminded me of why I love my job so much.'' ''Happy to help.''

Skulduggery straightened his back, and reached out his white-gloved hand. ''Care to dance?'' She took his hand. ''Show me what you've got.''

* * *

Anton raised his head. ''I sense sex.''

Evangeline rolled her eyes as she played with the glass on the bar in front of her. ''I just said that I liked your shirt. That isn't an open invitation for you to nail me.''

''No, it wasn't...doesn't matter. But speaking of my shirt, it is excellent. My taste will forever be perfect.''

She raised her eyebrows at the female bartender he had been looking at. ''Yeah. I salute you and your trashy taste.''

They both jumped as Leo's hand banged into the bar beside them. ''Help me,'' the actor gasped as Fletcher dragged him back onto the dancefloor. ''Come on, Leo! They're starting the foxtrot!''

Shudder raised his glass to Fletcher as he pulled Leonardo away. ''The child makes me proud.''

''Who makes you proud?'' Erskine sat down in the empty barstool between them. ''Whatever they're doing, it must be devious and wrong.''

Evangeline flicked her glass, and it spun on the table, reflecting the light from the chandelier. ''Fletcher was just attempting to dance-rape Leo. Nothing much unusual.'' Tariana appeared from the crowd, and she clasped a hand to the red-haired girl's shoulder. ''Gelly, can you help me?'' She held out the skirt of her purple dress, the deep colour clearly showing the rip that ran up the side. ''Someone stood on my dress, and it would be great if you could help me fix it up.''

Erskine winked at Anton before turning back to look at Tariana's exposed legs. ''Yes, it was most definitely an accident.'' Anton smirked as he gave his friend a fist bump. ''Yep. Completely devious and wrong.''

* * *

''They've really cleaned this place up, haven't they?''

Amara leaned over the balcony that ran around the walls, overlooking the richly decorated room. The bodice of her gold dress rubbed against the railing and she shifted slightly, the gauzy feel of the skirt soft against her knees.

Beside her, Dexter shrugged. ''The Ball's really just an excuse for them to open up the Torment's wine cellar. But don't let anybody know I told you.'' There was a scuffle behind them and the two looked round as Reia and a grinning Ghastly and Tanith walked in. The younger girl set a tray holding various glasses on a side table and walked up to the railing to look over. ''I met these two on the stairs going down so we all decided to get the drinks. I have no idea what they were doing away from the ballroom and I've no great wish to find out.''

Dexter raised his eyebrows as he took a drink of his wine, and Ghastly nodded smugly back at him. ''OK,'' the blonde man said as he turned around, ''I did _not _need to know that.''

''Look!'' Tanith strode over to the railing, pointing to where Valkyrie and Skulduggery were dancing under the chandelier. The girl tipped back her head to laugh at something Skulduggery said and Reia grinned, resting her glove-covered elbows on the balcony railing. ''That's cute.''

''That's PDA!'' Dexter protested. ''We should do something about it.'' ''Don't be a cockblock, Dexter,'' Amara frowned. He blinked innocently. ''I wouldn't dream of doing anything like that.''

''How easily do you think the chandelier will come down?'' Dexter asked, turning to Ghastly. The other man looked at it. ''Well, it's ancient. The cable attaching it to the ceiling would be pretty hard to cut...if we were ever thinking of doing something like that,'' he added hastily, noticing Tanith's expression.

''It would be ten times easier if we could snap the join of the chandelier to the cable instead of the cable itself. It would come down like Skulduggery after an ego trip.''

Tanith stared at them. ''You're not seriously thinking about doing this.'' Dexter let out a laugh. ''We're the Dead Boiiish. You should have seen the things we got up to in the war. There was this one time with an Anton and a cherry cake-''

''Enough,'' Reia said, trying not to imagine what unspeakable things the hotel owner could do with any cake at all. ''It's not even an hour until midnight. Let them have some peace for once.''

''What is this peace you speak of? I haven't heard of it. Have you, Ghastly?'' The tailor shook his head sombrely. ''I don't think I have, no.'' ''It's what I have when you two aren't around,'' murmured Tanith.

''Shoot the join,'' Amara said suddenly. They turned to look at her and she shrugged. ''Well, it _would _be funny.'' The two men grinned and Dexter put his hand into his tuxedo jacket to draw out a revolver. Tanith frowned. ''You're carrying a revolver in your jacket?'' ''Well, why not?''

He raised his arm and he squinted slightly as he lined up his vision with the chandelier. Amara sat down on an overstuffed arm chair, crossing her legs. ''Did you copy the gun-carrying off Skulduggery?''

''Nonsense,'' Dexter said as he thumbed back the safety switch. ''He copied it off me.'' He pulled the trigger, and the gunshot was swallowed up by the snapping sound of the chandelier as the bullet tore through the rusting joint.

The chandelier crashed to the floor, and shouts and exclamations of the mages as they dived out of the way filled the great ballroom.

Dexter chuckled as he holstered his gun.

Underneath the chandelier, Fletcher was stirring. He looked around as he sat up, the skirts of ladies' dresses spread out across the floor admist the shattered crystal and broken gilt handles of the chandelier.

He noticed Leo beside him stirring faintly, and Fletcher looked around to make sure nobody was watching him. The Teleporter stood up and grabbed hold of Leo's ankles as he dragged him off of the dancefloor. Fletcher laughed oddly. ''You're mine now.''

* * *

After the final tinkling sounds of the smallest pieces of glass shattering had stopped, Evangeline looked up. The grand chandelier that had previously overlooked the room was lying in pieces on the floor and mages had rushed over to help the ones stirring underneath the broken shards. (Though some were laughing hysterically at the injured sorcerers. The Announcer had fallen off his chair.)

Thankfully the ballroom was still lit up by the numerous lamps lining the balconies and walls, and she turned to see Anton beside her, hand on her lower back. He caught her eye. ''Are you OK?''

She smiled, and he removed his hand from her back to help her to her feet. ''It's lucky we didn't get hit by any of the shards. I must've fell off of my seat when the chandelier hit the floor - I got a shock.''

Anton nodded, helping her into her barstool before looking around at the upper balconies of the ballroom. Evangeline crossed her legs over, looking at his narrowed eyes. ''What is it?''

''I don't know. But I suspect Skul Crew mischief was involved with the falling chandelier.''

Evangeline grinned as her eyes found Dexter, Ghastly and the three girls on the balcony across the room from them. Dexter toasted her with his glass and she smothered her laugh as she turned back to the hotelier. ''Really? Mischief? I think it's just your martini talking.''

''It's done that to me before,'' he muttered as he slid onto his seat. ''No, really. I was at this bar in Moscow and my sixth martini told me what a handsome devil I was. Though looking back, that was probably just me drunk.''

''Your taken name should be Sherlock.'' ''Actually, I was going to call myself Humperdink, but Erskine talked me out of it. A wise move on his part.''

The Elemental girl raised her eyebrows with a smile. ''I definitely prefer Anton.''

He winked. ''That's what most girls say about me to their boyfriends.''

''You should really stop.''

''That's not what you'll be saying to me later tonight-''

Anton broke off as Evangeline pushed him off his barstool. He looked up at her with a hurt expression. ''If you wanted to hit me, all you had to do was ask. I'm always up for the kinky stuff.''

She hopped off her own stool and sat on top of him. ''Well, Erskine is always pushing you over, so I thought I'd try. It's certainly efficient.''

He smirked. ''And you like to be...efficient?''

She smiled coyly, brushing the collar of his tuxedo. ''Maybe. And sometimes...I'm really not efficient at all.''

He looked up at her through black eyelashes, his smirk frustrated. ''Babe, you can't say things like that.''

''Oh really?'' Evangeline stood up, pushing her hair off her face. ''I think I just did.''

Anton stood up, taking her hand and marching her onto the dancefloor where the last pieces of glass were being removed from the ground. ''Let's dance. I like dancing. I'm good at dancing. In fact, I'm a bloody fantastic dancer.''

''Oh God, it's the return of your ego.'' ''Don't be stupid,'' he replied, taking her hand as the string quartet started another tune. ''It never left.''

She leaned closer, the coy smile back in place. ''It left during the snowball fight.''

Anton's back stiffened slightly, and he swung her around a touch too forcefully. ''That was a temporary lapse in my awesomeness.''

''Sure it was.'' ''You believe me?'' ''No. But you'll act like a little bitch if I don't agree with you.''

Erskine, dancing past them with Tariana, nodded. ''True.'' Anton shot him a glare. ''Nobody asked your opinion!''

''But you all wanted it. Secretly.''

Tariana smiled at Anton and Evangeline as Erskine twirled her away from them, the beads in her purple dress sash winking as the light caught them.

''It's almost midnight,'' Anton told her, eyes very dark, after Erskine and Tariana had disappeared through a gap in the dancers. Evangeline looked at the clock at the front of the room, minute hand almost vertical. ''Hmmmm.'' The smallest hand ticked around, eating up the time. Fifty seconds until midnight. Forty seconds until midnight.

''What about the Hotel? Don't you have to be with it?'' He shook his head, gripping her waist as he moved her in time to the concerto. ''I've left a friend in charge with it. It's appearing in London and Fletcher's Teleporting me to it tomorrow.'' ''That's convenient.''

He smirked suddenly, dipping her down low. ''Believe me now when I say that there are times when I am convenient...and times when I am really not convenient at all.''

''Stop making word porn,'' Erskine hissed as he twirled by with Tariana.

Evangeline ignored him and caught Anton's dark eyes with her own green ones as the seconds ticked away even more closely. ''You know, _babe_, you really can't say things like that.''

He swung her up to her feet, his eyes once again finding hers as he seemed to come to some internal debate. ''That's a shame. Because I plan on saying these things to you a lot more often. If you would...be good with that.''

Evangeline took a breath in, and then there was chiming, loud rings filling the ballroom, and the mages were laughing and embracing one another. In the middle of the dancefloor Tariana and Erskine were smiling as they kissed, his arms encircling her waist.

''Happy New Year,'' Anton whispered to Evangeline as they swayed on the spot, her hands still locked around his neck. ''Happy New Year, Anton,'' she whispered back, and she didn't protest as he brought his face down, lips slanting across hers. ''And even though that was the worst asking out thing I've ever heard, I'm good with that. I'm great with that.''

Across the floor, Valkyrie rubbed her crossed arms as the door behind her opened and a breeze hit her skin, ruffling the folds of her dress. She felt a cool breath against her neck and smiled as he spoke. ''If you really wanted to be a godparent, I'd have let you get it.''

Valkyrie raised her eyebrows, though she knew he couldn't see them. ''You'd '_let_' me be godparent?''

There was a tugging hand at her elbows, and she allowed herself to be turned around. Skulduggery looked down at her. ''I'd _let _you beat me up and take any claim I could have to godparent off of me.''

''Sounds about right,'' she grinned, and leaned up to kiss him.

* * *

The New Year bells sounded on, and Tanith looked at Valkyrie and Skulduggery, kissing a few feet away from where she stood with Ghastly under a lamp stand. She laid her forehead against the tailor's. ''Do you think we should tell them that we still haven't picked a godparent?''

He smiled. ''No. I don't want to be the cause of the fourth World War when Valkyrie and Skulduggery battle it out to be godparent of our child.'' Tanith frowned lightly, eyes still closed. ''What happened to the third?'' ''Your father would start _that _one when he found out I knocked you up.''

* * *

Leo opened his eyes as a booming filled his ears. He groaned, touching a tender spot on his head as he sat up on his elbows and looked to the side. He was on a velvet recliner to the side of the dancefloor, and around him mages were calling 'Happy New Year!' and smiling and generally being a lot more cheerful than they usually were. (Probably all the free alcohol at the bar.)

There was a fourth chime, and a Fletcher's head filled his vision. ''HAPPY NEW YEAR! How about a kiss?''

The actor blanched. ''Did you knock me out? There was a bang-'' ''That doesn't matter. And anyway, there's nobody else for you to make out with.'' He leaned closer, and Leo was about to start panicking when a light voice sounded behind him. ''Do you need some help?''

Leo turned around and jumped off the recliner, grabbing Amara's hands. ''Thank you. Thank you so much.'' She smiled, and Leo felt himself smile back in response before half turning back to Fletcher. ''Looks like I've found someone after all.'' He kissed Amara, cupping her face in his hands as the last chimes of the bells sounded. She flushed slightly as he drew back. ''Looks like you haven't lost it since _Titanic_.''

He laughed. ''I hope I haven't. Want to go get a drink?''

Amara smiled and nodded, slipping her arm through his. Fletcher watched them walk through the crowd, standing on his tiptoes. ''Guys? Where you going?! Guys! How about a threesome? No?''

He sighed as they walked out of sight, scuffing his shoes against the marble. He took a step, then stopped as he noticed The Announcer under the balcony, looking back at him. ''No,'' Fletcher said, shaking his head as he turned around and walked away. ''Even I'm not that desperate.''


	52. Bad Day: Daniel Powter

_**This is kind of a (read: extremely) short update, but I wanted to post something before I hibernate from fanfiction with my month of exams and revision. (Eve and Vanessa, the birthday chapter will be done as soon as possible. I promise!)**_

_**Can I also have an R.I.P. for my iPod (containing most of my notes for future chapters :L) that, like the idiot I am, I left on a plane last week. *inset Katniss-saluting gif***_

_**Seeing as this will probably be my last update for the Hell Month of revision, I will leave you with the advice to go look up the amazing Jack Quaid. Check out Sitting Babies on youtube and marvel at his awesomeness :)**_

''If Skulduggery doesn't show up soon, we're going to have to go after the hag ourselves.''

Tanith wasn't joking. There was a hag loose in the Sanctuary that Madam Mist had ordered them to recapture and dump in a holding cell. Fletcher had proudly announced to the group he had caught the hag single-handedly before he dragged in a really old, ugly woman that worked in the Archives. He received a slap about the head from Valkyrie at that.

Most of the Crew was in a Sanctuary waiting room - Valkyrie, Tanith, Anton and Fletcher. Even Erskine and Ghastly had decided to tag along because they had decided that the paperwork they were going through was giving them tension headaches.

The only one late was Skulduggery.

Erskine checked his watch again. ''I think you're right, Tanith. There was a rumour the hag was stampeding down near my office. If she rips up my new decor, I won't be very happy.''

A steely look entered his normally gentle eyes and Anton nervously began massaging his friend's shoulders.

''Right,'' said Ghastly, shouldering a baseball bat where no-one quite knew he had procured from. ''Let's go.''

Just as the group stood up, assembling weapons and badass expressions, the door to the room flew open and a man walked in, wearing a sharp suit they were familiar with.

''Hello,'' said Skulduggery.

His facade had a beard.

Everyone stopped moving, silent as they stared at the sight in front of them.

Ghastly took a step forward, his lips twitching. ''I moustache you a question, but I'm shaving it for later.''

There was a snort as Fletcher threw his hands to his mouth, trying to prevent his laugh.

The group looked at Fletcher, then to one another, and as one burst into uncontrollable whoops of laughter.

Skulduggery stood rigidly still, arms crossed over his chest as Valkyrie sunk to the floor, clutching her side as she howled with mirth.

Erskine schooled his feautures into indifference. ''Skulduggery, you do know you've got something on your face?''

There was another roar of hilarity from the others, and Skulduggery's jaw worked furiously as he bit back a retort. ''I thought we had a hag to catch?''

''Th-that's why he took so much time getting here,'' Tanith gasped. ''He was trying to think of a way to get rid of the beard.''

Fletcher smacked his hand across his knee as he wheezed with laughter, then moaned. ''I think you gave me a stitch.''

Skulduggery slapped Valkyrie's hands away as she tried to play with his moustache and stalked out of the room. ''Fine. I'll catch it myself, you ungrateful hounds.''

Even as he stormed down he corridor he could hear Anton rapping. ''If you've got facial hair trouble I feel bad for you son, I've got 99 problems but my beard ain't one!''

This was followed by fresh paroxysms of laughter, and up ahead a mage stuck his head out of a room, saw Skulduggery's beard and ducked back inside with a scream of ''The hag!''

Skulduggery sighed. It really wasn't his day.


	53. A Very Skulduggery Birthday 3

_**So it's finally here. This is a birthday chapter, and my longest chapter so far, for the amazing Evangeline Evergreen...five months after her actual birthday. Hope you enjoy, Eve :)**_

_**Aaron - I harbour an unfathomably deep love for yaoi (as anyone can see from reading my stories), and I am very proud that Thrashgrace is a couple that you can stand. Zombies FTW. Sorry for the Fletcher-bashing, because even though I adore him it's just too easy to make fun of his hair.**_

_**notamember21 - Hopefully this update isn't too late :)**_

_**For anyone that doesn't know, Gok Wan is a fashion stylist, Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman are actors on the TV series Sherlock, Cillian Murphy acted with Leo DiCaprio in Inception and Robert Sheehan is an actor whose character on Misfits has a penchant for the name Barry.**_

_**Below is the playlist for the chapter - I suggest listening to 10 Things I Hate About You's version of Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You while reading the part Anton sings it, as while the original is brilliant, I based his performance of it off Heath Ledger's in the film.**_

**You've Got the Love - Florence + the Machine**

**Friends - Band of Skulls**

**Lucky Ones - Lana Del Rey**

**You Give Love A Bad Name - Bon Jovi**

**Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You - Frankie Valli**

**Just Can't Get Enough - Black Eyed Peas**

* * *

''WAKE UP, BIRTHDAY GIRL!''

A deep groan came in answer. Evangeline Evergreen's head appeared from under a mass of blankets, her brilliant red hair mussed from sleeping. She blinked at the early sunlight falling in through her bedroom windows. ''I guess it was too much to hope you weren't going to wake me up at an ugly hour of the morning,'' she said, voice thick with tiredness.

Her friends smiled and each took a handful of bedcovers. Valkyrie nodded to the others. ''One...two...three...''

They ripped away the duvet and Evangeline groaned again, throwing her hand up across her face. ''You know it's my birthday. I shouldn't have to put up with this.''

Amara slid on top of her bed. ''But we made you breakfast just the way you like it. The pancakes have chocolate on them. And _strawberries_.''

The redhead slitted her eyes and reached for the laden breakfast tray. ''You drive a hard bargain.''

''After breakfast we're going out to get clothes for your party tonight. It'll be like Gok's Fashion Fix, but without Gok Wan.''

''That's too bad,'' Reia sighed, lying down on the bed. ''The man has fabulous taste. But I suppose we can always call Ghastly if a footwear emergency arises.''

''Seriously,'' Evangeline added with a glance at Tanith. ''Your boyfriend's obsession with shoes is creepy.'' ''And your boyfriend's thing for tight neon coloured jeans isn't?''

''It's not his fault he's weird,'' Tariana said. ''His jeans are so tight they're cutting off the circulation to his head.''

Evangeline nodded between a sip of orange juice. ''It's true.''

* * *

On the other side of Dublin, the same sunlight streamed through the long windows of Cemetery Road.

The Black Eyed Peas were coming through a tinny radio, accompanied by the sounds of eggs frying and pans clinking together. Skulduggery hummed to himself as he delivered sausages onto various plates. ''I've got a feeling, that tonight's going to be a good night...''

He checked on the scones and nodded his head as he reached into the cupboard for some flour, singing softly under his breath. ''That tonight's going to be a good night...'' The skeleton dusted the scones and moved onto chopping the tomatoes. ''Tonight's going to be a good good night...''

Skulduggery spun around, throwing flour up in the air. ''Tonight's the night! Let's live it up! I got my money...let's spend it up! Go out and smash it! Like 'oh my God'!''

There was a snort from the doorway and Skulduggery twisted to see Anton sitting down at the kitchen island. ''Nice moves.''

Skulduggery quickly reached across and turned the radio off. ''You tell no-one of this.''

Anton rolled his eyes. ''I don't want to. Believe me, the secondhand embarassment from watching is enough.'' He gestured at the food spread across the surfaces as he pulled a plate towards him and dug in. ''You know, there's a direct correlation between a guy's sexuality and his domesticity. And this kitchen-'' he pointed with a fork ''-and _that _apron don't really champion your hetero-ness.''

Skulduggery sat down. ''I'm afraid, Anton, that heterochromia doesn't affect me.''

''Ha ha ha. Very witty. Though really, we should have the Boiishh nights at your place more often. Free food is always a bonus, cooked by a sexually ambivalent skeleton or not.''

There was a thudding sound and the two looked up to see Fletcher running into the kitchen. He attempted to leap up onto the kitchen island but overshot his jump and skidded the length of the counter before flying off the other side into the sink.

Erskine and Leo padded in, the latter noticing the platter of scones with a gleeful expression. Erskine merely stirred a mug of coffee and gazed over its rim at Fletcher, staggering to his feet. ''That was, in one word, glorious.''

There was a thump against the doorway. The group of assorted men sucked in breaths as Ghastly half-fell into the kitchen. His eyes were bloodshot, his complexion grey and the shower towel wrapped around his head did nothing to help his expression. ''I feel dead,'' he whispered quietly.

Skulduggery walked over and helped his friend into a stool. ''I knew we shouldn't have stayed up all night playing Call of Duty.''

''Here, Ghastly,'' Erskine said with a concerned expression. ''Drink some coffee.'' He passed the tailor his mug, but Ghastly just moaned and slithered his forehead onto the counter. Skulduggery shook his head. ''I told you he couldn't function if he stayed up gaming after a certain hour. It'll be noon before we get a proper response out of him.''

''Where's Dexter anyway?'' asked Fletcher, recovering from his slide with a plate of bacon. ''I thought I could hear him in the shower.''

They all fell silent, save from Ghastly's occasional groaning, and over the distant spray of water they could hear their friend as he sang. ''The water is hot, and so is Dexter, the water's so hot, and so is Dexter...''

''Then he's still in there,'' Anton grinned. ''Probably getting ready for THE MOST AWESOME NIGHT OF OUR LIVES - except from the time we went to that strip club in Berlin.''

''I don't know if the party qualifies as the 'most awesome night of our lives.' Maybe yours though, because of the birthday sex you'll get,'' Erskine contemplated, chewing a mouthful of scone.

''I'm not too sure about the birthday sex,'' Leo said with a mischevious twinkle in his eye. ''I mean, you still haven't got her a present.''

''Yes...and that's why we're going shopping later to get her one!''

The other men groaned and Erskine eyed Anton. ''When exactly do you mean 'later'?''

''Twenty minutes.''

''...I hate you.''

* * *

Dublin's shopping centre was quiet in the morning, or at least as quiet as it ever got. Tanith hurried the girls around several stores, picking out and passing judgement on dresses with all the ruthlessness of Ghastly on un-hemmed stiches.

As the group left the final shop and headed to the food court for lunch, they were intercepted by a wild-eyed Ghastly emerging around a corner. Tanith smiled and reached for him.

''Hey! What are you doing here? I thought you and the other guys were at Skulduggery's until Evangeline's party?''

''We were,'' he said in a low voice, ''until Anton dragged us here to go shopping. I just managed to get rid of the shopping centre guards he and Erskine managed to get chasing us.''

Tariana groaned. ''What did they do now?''

Ghastly shook his head in despair as he sunk down at a nearby bench. ''They were in a Waterstone's book store and they moved all the Bibles to the fiction section.''

''Unfortunately, that sounds exactly like the sort of the thing they'd do.''

At that moment, the two men in particular rounded the same corner Ghastly had and made their way over to the group with jovial grins. ''Happy birthday, babe,'' Anton said, pressing a kiss to his girlfriend's cheek. He looked down the bag she held containing her outfit for the party tonight and nodded in approval, bringing his gaze back up to meet hers. ''Nice dress, though it would look better on my floor.''

He passed her an easy wink. ''But you know what would look better on you? Me.''

Tanith raised her eyebrows at him. ''That joke is so lame it has its own walking stick.''

''You're just in awe of my awesome comedic skills.''

'Please stop,'' muttered Amara.

''Anyway, I have picked up my own outfit for tonight. Will anyone else be wearing a tux with a tie that matches the birthday girl's dress perfectly? I think not.''

''You only just saw my dress right now,'' Evangeline said incredulously. ''How did you know what would match it?''

Anton winked slowly. ''I have my...ways.'' Evangeline laughed. ''Anyway, the tie and tux sound like a good combination.'' ''YOU'RE a good combination.''

''As much fun as watching you two flirt is,'' Ghastly interjected, ''can we go for lunch? I'm starving - the guard must have chased me right around the centre before I shook him off. I think I've developed arthiritis a few decades too early.''

The girls and Ghastly turned in the direction of the food court, but Erskine made an apologetic face at them. ''Sorry. Anton and I have business of the present-wrapping kind to attend to. Plus finding out where the other men are.''

He and Anton waved goodbye to the group and jogged away. Tariana rubbed her arm. ''Where do you think they're they off to now?''

Ghastly shook his head. ''I don't know. But it'll probably consist of shenanigans and injury.''

* * *

Feet slapped against the floor, music emnating from the band in the corner rising to a spiralling peak as the partygoers danced frantically, bodies moving against other bodies, friction and heat spreading together in a heady mix.

Anton was gesturing wildly as he came in the door to meet the frantic scene.

''So I was like 'PSYCH! I'M NOT REALLY GAY!' and the girl screamed and ran off. But believe me, it was so worth it.''

Erskine shook his head as he removed his coat and handed it to to an attendant. ''You're so weird.''

A large warehouse in downtown Dublin had been rented out that night as the venue for Evangeline's birthday. There was a small warren of corridors to the back of the warehouse, but the party itself was being held in the vast storage space. Music from the seven-piece band throbbed from speakers and a corner had been filled with couches, armchairs and a Guitar Hero set for the mages that wanted a quieter tone.

The group of males placed their wrapped presents on the gift table beside the door and had only taken a few paces before they were hailed by their other friends. ''Hey,'' Erskine smiled at Skulduggery, Dexter, Leo and Fletcher. ''Where did you go when the guard was chasing you earlier? I was slightly worried I would have to bail you from jail.''

''Oh, he chased us to the park and fell in a ditch,'' Fletcher shrugged. ''It was cool.''

Dexter nodded in agreement then checked his watch. ''Oh, good,'' he said. ''Gin o' clock.'' He snagged two glasses from the tray of a passing waiter and downed them one after the other.

''I have a bet with Fletcher,'' he explained at Anton and Erskine's inquisitive stares. ''He thinks he can drink more than me and still be standing at the end of the night.''

Fletcher rolled his eyes as he took two complementary glasses and threw them back. ''I _know _I can drink more than you.'' He staggered slightly to the side as he said this.

Ghastly chuckled and Erskine slowly whispered ''Palm, meet forehead.''

Skulduggery's trouser pocket vibrated and he flipped out his phone. ''Good,'' he said in a relieved tone. ''Valkyrie texted me; the girls are just arriving.'' He looked up and took stock of the scene - the young mages dancing and older ones lounging at the fringes of the crowd sipping drinks.

''About time. The party's just hitting its climax.''

''Climax? Ah Skulduggery, you dog you.''

''Shut up, Anton. Don't make me tell Erskine to push you over.''

* * *

''This is going to be brilliant,'' laughed Dexter as he and Erskine dragged the keg down the hallway.

When the other males had gone to meet the arriving girls, the two of them had sneaked off into the storage rooms near the back of the warehouse.

Earlier on Anton had hidden a keg of liqour in a room and Dexter and Erksine had been charged with the task of retrieving it and bringing it to the hall of the party - two of them were needed to take it, because it was, as Anton described, 'The mother of kegs. It spawned all the other littler kegs in the world like Echnida, mother of monsters in the lore of old.' Dexter and Erskine weren't too sure what he was talking about, but they did know how big the keg was. He didn't do things by halves.

What the men hadn't counted on, however, was finding their way back.

''I think it's this way,'' Erskine said, peering down the darkened hallway ahead.

''No,'' Dexter protested, trying to hear where the snatches of music were coming from, ''it's down the left hallway. I'm sure of it.''

Erskine pursed his lips in thought. ''Look, we'll take this door and see where it leads. We'll get back to the party eventually.''

They pushed the keg through the doorway and Erskine panted as he let the door swing shut behind them, his eyes adjusting to the gloom. ''Where are we?'' he said, trying to find his bearings. This hallway had no lights to illuminate it, and he had a hard time seeing Dexter's back as he turned around.

''This is a cupboard, Erskine. Your navigational skills are to be applauded. Come on, let's turn around. I told you we should have taken the right hallway.''

Erskine turned around, fumbling with the door handle.

He let go of the keg and pulled more firmly against the door - it still didn't budge.

''Dexter,'' he said finally, ''I think we're locked in.''

* * *

A warm pair of hands slid over Ghastly's eyes and a low ''Guess who,'' sounded in his ear.

''Tanith, if you wanted to dance, all you had to do was ask.''

She laughed and let her hands fall to her sides, spinning him around. Her dress was understated compared to Evangeline and Valkyrie's, a dark blue shift that ended just below her knees. He still thought she was the best-looking girl at the party.

''A dance?'' Ghastly said, offering her his hand. He felt vaguely embarassed - romance had never been his strong suit and one Requiem Ball each decade was enough parties for him - but to his relief she smiled.

''I would love one,'' she replied, curtseying in a ladylike manner then grabbing his arm and dragging him onto the dancefloor in a way that was anything but.

''The uncomfortable look suits you,'' Anton shot over his shoulder as he twirled effortlessly with the girl of honour, her hair streaming behind her like fire. Evangeline's dress was the most impresive of them all. It was a proud find of Tanith's, dark violet, cut in a Lolita style with bell-like sleeves and beading on the front panel so intricate that Ghastly ached to reach out and touch the smooth fabric. A dark sash was wrapped around Evangeline's delicate shoulders, one Anton pulled on gently to drag her away.

''Let's go dance somewhere else, babe. Ghastly, you are looking at my woman and I may be forced to hit you if this escalates further.'' Evangeline rolled her eyes in a 'what can you do' manner at Ghastly and Tanith as Anton led her away.

''I was looking at her _dress_!'' Ghastly shouted after Anton's retreating back, and sagged as the crowd swallowed him up. ''He wasn't listening to me, was he,'' he murmured to Tanith.

She rested her hand against his cheek and put her head against his chest, swaying to the music as they tried to avoid some of the more wildly dancing mages.

''I don't think he was, but he knew you were looking at her outfit. It was my good luck to find the guy with the dress sense in Dublin.''

Ghastly smiled at that, and dropped his chin down to rest against her hair.

* * *

''Those two are sickeningly cute,'' Anton said, jerking his head in the direction of Ghastly and Tanith, oblivious to everything else but each other. ''Why don't we show everyone some...chemistry?''

Evangeline wrinkled her nose. ''Oh God. You aren't going to jump onto the table and perform a striptease again, are you? Because as funny it was the last time, seeing women tuck twenty-pound notes into your boyfriend's underwear isn't the most comforting thing-''

''Relax,'' he said, holding a finger up to her lips. His eyes were twinkling in the roguish way that happened when he thought of a plan.

He clicked his fingers at the lead singer of the band in the corner, who nodded and gestured to his bandmates. The song segued into something more flamboyant, to a few groans from the younger headbanging mages, though others seemed to brighten up as the opening of a tango started up.

''Are you in charge of the band or something?'' Evangeline asked as Anton swivelled her round to face the stage, taking his tuxedo jacket off and loosening his tie before throwing them onto a couch, leaving him in dress trousers and a white shirt.

''I slept with the drummer a few years ago. She owes me a favour.''

Evangeline frowned. ''Why am I not surprised?''

Anton shushed and pulled her closer, his arms resting lightly on her shoulders. ''Let's dance.''

He swung her out from his hip and from somewhere conjured a conjured a long-stemmed red rose that he slipped between his teeth. ''And I dance the tango the best of them all.''

He clasped her hand in his, pointed their arms in front and strode down the hall. The crowd before them parted, some whistling or making catcalls at the couple. Anton swung her out to the side, dipping her suddenly down low so her hair brushed the floor, then pulled her up again just as fast.

They twirled as the acoustic guitar plucked out a flamboyant beat. Anton grinned and clasped one of Evangeline's hands in his and swung her under his arm, then re-clasped her free hand in his and stepped harmoniously in time into and out from her body to the tango's tricky chorus.

Evangeline arched her back against his arms, lowering her head to the floor before he pulled her up for the last time on the closing note, at which the people who had gathered to watch let out whoops and clapped loudly.

''Now, wasn't that a fun dance?'' Anton said as they stood face-to-face, his chest rising and falling quickly as he took the rose from his mouth.

''It wasn't bad,'' Evangeline agreed breathlessly.

''That was nothing,'' he said mischeviously. ''Wait until you see me do fifties swing.''

* * *

Valkyrie and Ghastly had just finished playing Knights of Cydonia on the Guitar Hero console they had found in the huddle of couches when Skulduggery strode over to them.

''We have a Code Fletcher-Is-Drunk,'' he announced, sticking his hands in his suit pockets. ''I just thought you might want to know, before he starts breaking things and kissing people.'' Valkyrie gave him a scowl. ''I told you to look after him while I was thrashing Ghastly on Rock Band.''

At that, a dark shadow sat up from behind a couch. ''Did someone say Thrasher?''

''I actually beat you by a wide margin,'' Ghastly reminded Valkyrie. She ignored that and turned to Thrasher, who was beaming bemusedly at the trio from his spot on the floor. ''What are you doing here? And where's Scapegrace? I assumed you were attached at the hip, kind of like zombie Siamese twins.''

A giggle sounded behind them and the group turned to see Fletcher lurching tipsily towards them dragging a bong.

''Just what we need,'' muttered Skulduggery.

''Guys,'' Fletcher said seriously, ''I've been thinking. If I Teleported inside someone's body, would they explode?''

Thrasher blinked up at him. ''Hello, Fletcher. Master Scapegrace is getting drinks but I'm sure if he was here he'd say you could attempt it on me.''

''Don't even think about it,'' Valkyrie told Fletcher, who had an intrigued look on his face. ''We're not letting you explode Thrasher, and I don't want to be scattered with bits of zombie.'' ''You have been before,'' Skulduggery pointed out. ''Quite a fetching look for you.''

Ghastly, who up until that moment had been silent, opened his mouth. ''I promise you Valkyrie that nobody is going to spatter you with bits of zombie. I think you should go find Scapegrace, Thrasher. Fletcher, why don't you put down the bong?''

Fletcher looked at the bong in his hand with confusion before letting it drop to the floor. ''This is a _bong_? I thought it was an octupus.''

''This really is one of the strangest conversations I've been in,'' Skulduggery marvelled. ''This is coming from a living skeleton, remember. And Fletcher smells of cats.''

''Take that back.''

''I'm being serious. Go shower.''

There was an awkward pause as Fletcher tried to hit him, swung too hard, overbalanced, and fell over.

Thrasher slowly climbed up to his feet. ''I think I'll go find Veevee now.''

As he ambled away, Valkyrie raised her eyebrows. ''We just succesfully scared off a zombie. That proves how odd we are.''

Skulduggery shrugged. ''I think it had more to do with Fletcher's smell, to be honest.''

''Smell or not, we better take him with us,'' Ghastly said, picking up the Teleporter and putting him over his shoulder in a fireman's lift. Fletcher hit his back and mumbled ''You can't take me now no good Nazi.''

''Where are we going?''

''Evangeline's going to open her presents in a few minutes,'' Ghastly replied as he set off into the dancing throng, Fletcher twitching on his back.

''Wait a minute,'' Valkyrie frowned as she and Skulduggery followed the tailor. ''Have you seen Erskine and Dexter?''

* * *

''Six and a half bottles of Scotch have gone down,'' Fletcher sang as he tipped his glass to his mouth. ''Dexter is so losing this bet.''

''That's only because he isn't here to complete it,'' Leo reminded him gently, trying to tug the Scotch away from Fletcher, who just clung onto it more tightly.

The present-giving ceremony was well underway and Evangeline's friends had gathered near the band's stage to see her open the gifts.

The girl herself, birthday crown perched rakishly on her head, pulled open another present. ''So this is from...Benedict and Martin!'' The two men smiled as she tore open the paper. ''Oh my God! A scarf like Sherlock's? This is seriously...thank you.''

''It's actually one of mine I wore on the show,'' Benedict corrected. ''Mark and Steven tried to stop me from taking it, but I outwitted them. Ha.''

''And a DVD from Martin...'' Evangeline held up the case, which had 'Johnlock: The Best Moments' scribbled on the front. ''There's even some outtakes from behind the scenes on there,'' Martin said, sharing a loaded look with Benedict.

Beside them Fletcher looked creeped out, but said nothing.

''Now open my present,'' Leo said excitedly. ''It's actually Dexter and I's present, because he helped me...capture...it, but he's still not here, so yeah. Open it.''

With a curious look at Leo, Evangeline got up from the circle of people and started to work at the wrapping paper covering the biggest present of them all. It was a few metres tall and when Evangeline took most of the wrapping paper off a bound cardboard box was still left.

She ripped it down the middle, and lying in a pool of bubble wrap, with a duct-taped mouth, was Cillian Murphy.

Evangeline let out a happy scream and dived forward to rescue the actor from his ties. The guests were craning their necks to see a glimpse of his face and Leo waved at his friend as the duct tape was removed from his mouth. ''Nine hours I've been in there,'' Cillian moaned. ''And Leo forgot air holes. Thank you for releasing me. Just, thank you.''

He gave Evangeline a one-armed hug, and the girl sighed contentedly. Meanwhile, Anton was shooting glares at Cillian and the way his body was pressed against the redhead's.

Once all the presents were lying unwrapped and admired - some of the most memorable including a puppy from Fletcher that Evangeline called George and a red and blue striped waistcoat from Ghastly - Anton gestured and the band started playing a slow Lana Del Rey song, one of Evangeline's favourites.

Various couples began gathering on the floor, and a few members of the Skul Crew congregated at the huddle of couches. (Fletcher sneaked a bottle of rum and coke under his jacket and would take a few furtive swigs of it when he thought none of them were looking.)

''You know, I'm kind of getting worried about Dexter and Erskine,'' Tanith said. ''We haven't seen them in a few hours now.''

''You're right,'' panted Valkyrie, who was fighting Skulduggery for his hat on a neighbouring couch. ''I would suggest going to find them, but they're probably just off kissing somewhere.''

''Erskine will be fine,'' Anton said, leading a prettily flushed Evangeline away from the dancing. ''My bro knows his stuff.''

''Are you sure you aren't just jealous? I mean, I know you and Erskine share a _special _bond.'' Skulduggery laughed as Anton flipped him off, sitting down beside Tanith and pulling Evangeline onto his lap. ''Then where can they be? I worked that dancefloor like a hooker pole and I didn't see them anywhere near it.''

Skulduggery pushed Valkyrie off the couch and settled his hat back on his head. ''Ah, so they're missing. My favourite kind of mystery.''

''So, what's happening now?'' Fletcher said, suddenly coming to himself, a moment of lucidity in his drink-fuelled stupor.

''We're trying to think of where Dexter and Erskine might be.''

Fletcher nodded slowly. ''Right. So who's Erskine?''

Valkyrie exchanged a look with Tanith before placing a hand on Fletcher's leg and saying carefully, ''Erskine is our friend. You know, the pretty male one?''

Fletcher's expression cleared. ''Oh yeah, Erskine!''

There was a dry chuckle from Skulduggery as he made a big show of looking at his watch. ''And Queen Fletcher has reached the page we were all already on. Congratulations, Fletcher. One minute and thirty-two seconds, that's got to be your new record.''

Tanith buried her head in Valkyrie's shoulder to stifle her giggles. Fletcher looked as confused as ever.

''What are you talking about? We're not reading a book!''

He was saved from further confusal by the arrival of Leo, Reia, Amara, Tariana and Ghastly, who sat on the free couch.

''I did shots,'' Tariana said slowly. ''Remind me never to do shots again. There's two Skulduggerys sitting in front of me.''

''Brilliant,'' Skulduggery said. ''Now there's another debonair, deadly skeleton to fight crime with me. Evil should just pack up its bags and go home.''

''Well, attractive friend of my girlfriend, which means you are a friend of mine-'' ''Wait,'' Evangeline said, holding up her hands to stop Anton's flow of speech, ''you're only friends with my friends - who are your friends too, might I add - because they're attractive?''

''No, babe,'' Anton told her patiently, as if it was the simplest thing in the world, ''them being attractive is a bonus.

''Anyway, you have reminded me of a genius plan I had earlier.'' The hotelier leaned back and delivered his signature smirk to the group. ''Body shots, anyone?''

* * *

''Oh, come on. Just admit you and Anton slept together once. Go on. I know you did. Go on, go on, go on.''

Erskine frowned. ''You're being ridiculous. I might have to start on the keg to get through being locked in this closet with you.''

''I'm just saying!'' Dexter turned back to the locked door. ''You would have thought people with powers as strong as ours - hell, just people with powers - would be able to get past a locked door.''

''It's very tough and very thick. I think it's made of steel, but I can't be sure. And how come we were both stupid enough to leave our phones in our jacket pockets...which we in turn left in the cloakroom?''

''I don't know,'' Dexter said. ''Maybe you didn't want to take yours with you and run the risk of someone reading your loving texts to Anton.''

Erskine did the easy thing and ignored him. ''Speaking of these missing jackets, it's getting really cold in here. Can you see a thermostat or something like that?''

Dexter shrugged and tried to feel along the walls in the limited light provided by the fireball Erskine held in his hand.

When Dexter found nothing, Erskine allowed the flame to die: since they didn't know if the cupboard was airtight, he didn't want to use up the oxygen in the small space. ''Maybe we should sit closer together,'' he suggested. ''It would maximise our body heat.''

''Right. So it's me you fancy, not Anton.''

''Dexter, please.'' Erskine laid his head back against the cool wall and closed his eyes. ''It'll just keep us warmer.''

''Tell me how you love me in your secret heart of hearts.''

''Dexter-''

''I'm a catch! Any guy would be lucky to have me.''

''All right. This is getting weird.''

''Weird, is it?'' The teasing tone was back in Dexter's voice. ''Have I reminded you of your feelings for me?''

''I'm warning you...''

''Ah, did I upset the Grand Mage? Are you going to order me around, Your Grace? No, wait. Forget what I said. You might make me do kinky sex acts, and I'm just not comfortable with that.''

Erskine kicked him none too gently and after a few moments Dexter shivered violently. ''Sorry, I just felt a shudder up my spine. The feeling you get when it's cold, not the pervert,'' he clarified.

''Come on, sit next to me. I'll move up.'' Erskine budged along the wall and he heard Dexter shift around, bumping against the keg in the enclosed space, until the other man's shoulder was beside his. ''This is a lot warmer,'' he admitted. ''But don't interpret that as a come-on.''

''Sometimes you're almost as bad as Anton. Though I wonder what they're doing right now. I feel pretty guilty for missing Evangeline's party.''

''Me too,'' said Dexter sombrely. ''She'll have a great time though, everyone will see to that. Maybe she'll distract Anton enough that he won't death-glare us for not delivering the keg to him.''

''We can pray.''

* * *

Anton's body shots plan had been spectacularly shot down by Skulduggery, and in retaliation the hotel owner had hidden under the couch with Fletcher and a a few bottles of alcohol. Every few minutes or so giggling would come from the direction of the two males but nobody could be bothered to look.

Meanwhile Evangeline, Reia and Tariana had convinced Ghastly to finish Fletcher's huge bottle of Scotch and the tailor had risen to the challenge admirably, to the amusement of the group.

''I'm really surprised he's done this well,'' Valkyrie commented to Skulduggery. ''Ghastly didn't seem like the type to be a big drinker.''

Skulduggery gave her an evil little laugh. ''Well, he wasn't. But then one time, during the war, with Francoise...''

Ghastly twisted his head to glare fiercely at Skulduggery as he still downed the drink. Skulduggery ignored this.

''...and we were in a bar in Lyons, and Ghastly - Ghastly, he -''

Skulduggery broke off laughing, and Ghastly tipped the Scotch further back in an effort to empty the bottle before the skeleton could tell the rest of the story, struggling to finish the last of the liquid.

''Come on, Ghastly,'' Evangeline said innocently from her place on the couch while batting her eyelashes. ''Spit or swallow.''

The tailor started spluttering at this and the other girls laughed and cheered as he finally managed to finish the bottle. He looked weakly at Evangeline. ''You are far too dangerous for your own good.''

''I think Anton's definitely led her astray,'' Skulduggery added with a nod. ''But not half as far as you led Francoise-''

He broke off as Ghastly tackled him, clearly tipsy from the Scotch, and the two commenced rolling around on the floor, Skulduggery trying to shout pieces of the story that happened between Ghastly and the Frenchwoman as Ghastly himself tried to close his hand over Skulduggery's mouth.

''Oh,'' Tanith said as she came back with snacks and saw her boyfriend wrestling with Skulduggery. ''Should I be jealous?''

''No,'' said Leo with a yawn, ''Skulduggery's just teasing him about some past flame of his.''

''And then he _kissed _her!'' Skulduggery cackled, managing to gain the upper hand in the fight before Ghastly pushed him over with a ''Shut UP, Skulduggery!''

''What? Just embarassed that you were trying your best to remove her tonsils with your tongue?''

''I also have news of Erskine and Dexter,'' Tanith said as she bit into her red velvet cupcake with relish.

''Really? Do you know where they are?'' Amara asked.

''Sanguine - who invited him anyway? - said he heard from another guy that there were two people in the back rooms shouting at each other before they weirdly quietened down. They are, literally and metaphorically, trapped in a closet.''

Skulduggery paused in tying Ghastly's hands together with a sock. ''And nobody thought to get them out?''

''I suppose they thought they were there of their own volition. Well, they probably thought they went to have an argument in private and then hooked up, but it's the same thing.''

Tariana waved a hand lazily in the air. ''I'd just like to confirm that Evangeline invited Billy-Ray. She has a weird curiosity with him. Maybe it's his accent.'' Evangeline opened her mouth to reply before she was interrupted by Anton, who leapt from under the couch to on top of it in one smooth move.

''I'm infected!'' he shouted.

''Finally he admits it,'' Ghastly whispered to where Skulduggery's ear would have been. ''What STI do you think it is? Herpes?''

Anton cleared his throat. ''Infected with a sexy disease known as sexlexia!''

Valkyrie burst out laughing and at the frowns of those surrounding her immediately disguised it with a cough.

''And infected with feelings for the most kick-ass girl in Northern Ireland, my girlfriend, Evangeline.''

Evangeline got up and patted Anton's arm. ''OK, thank you, Anton, you can sit down now.''

Anton, still grinning, shrugged and sat down. Unfortunately, he sat on Fletcher who at that moment had emerged from under the couch. The two went down in a tangle of limbs.

''That has to beat Skulduggery and Ghastly wrestling for the most homoerotic encounter of the night,'' Leo said, staring as Fletcher tried to extricate himself from somewhere under Anton's arm.

''He might even beat Dexter and Erskine off snogging somewhere in a cupboard,'' agreed Tariana.

Anton patted Fletcher on the head as he managed to clamber off him, and Fletcher rubbed his head into Anton's palm. Skulduggery crossed his legs. ''So how long have you two been sleeping together?''

''Go away,'' Fletcher said. ''We're having a broment.''

Anton patted Fletcher's head again with a whispered ''I taught you well'' and scoffed as he flung himself down onto the couch and flexed his arms. (Reia nodded in appreciation.) ''We aren't sleeping together, just really drunk. I love my girlfriend.''

He smirked and pointed at Evangeline herself as if to prove a point. ''Next in my to-do list: you.''

Skulduggery stood up from the floor and brushed off his suit. ''That statement is awful on many levels. Come, Valkyrie. Let's dance.''

Valkyrie crossed her arms and scowled. ''I am not a dog. I don't just come to heel.''

''More's the pity. I'll buy you a dog if you want.''

''No, you wouldn't.''

''That's right. I probably won't.''

Tanith watched this exchange between them in fascination as they walked off to dance. ''They're so in love.''

The music changed tempo as the band began playing a different song. Ghastly, Leo, Anton and Fletcher looked at each other and chorused in unison ''SHOT THROUGH THE HEART, AND YOU'RE TO BLAME, YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME.''

Leo shrugged at the girls' raised eyebrows. ''It's a guy thing. Want to come dance?''

He led Amara, Reia and Tariana into the crowd and proceeded to dance with all three of them. Anton rolled his eyes. ''That's nothing,'' he said of his friend, who was now also dancing with Robert Sheehan, who had surprisingly arrived at the party, minus his shoes and carrying a pineapple he called Barry. ''When I was single I could dance with twelve girls at a time. None of them could move like Evangeline, though!'' he said, clapping her bare shoulder.

She pushed his hand away. ''Remember what I said to you about trying to restrain yourself? _Restrain_.''

''We'll leave you two,'' Tanith said as she stood up with Ghastly. The tailor nodded. ''I'm about to tear this dancefloor up like no thang.''

''He's very drunk,'' Tanith said by way of explanation as they moved off.

Evangeline and Anton looked at Fletcher, who looked back at them. ''Oh. Right. You want me to leave.''

He drew his knees up to his chest and rolled over the floor until he was under one of the couches. Evangeline blinked at his unsettling behaviour and turned to Anton. ''You know, this has been a pretty good birthday.''

''Of course it is. And next week's going to be pretty good too.''

Evangeline's brow crinkled. ''What?''

Anton grinned and draped his arm around her shoulders. ''It's another birthday present from me. I booked us a week in London, got Dexter looking after the Midnight Hotel while we're away. I know you really want to go there, so I've ordered a suite in a nice hotel, and we're going to see all the sights, maybe stalk out a few of your favourite actor's homes, that sort of thi-''

He stopped talking as Evangeline flung her hands around the back of his neck. ''Thank you,'' she smiled against his neck. ''This is going to inflate your ego way too much, but you're seriously the best.''

''Yeah,'' he said, shrugging as if it were old news while she laughed. ''I'm know I'm cool.''

* * *

Amara was arguing with Caelan in the middle of the what was currently the dancefloor. ''I'm just saying, stalkers aren't romantic. They're fucking creepy.''

''Twilight is the eternal love story! A tome worthy of Romeo and Juliet,'' he shot back. ''And you cannot fathom the bond Valkyrie and I share. Coral is far more red than her lips red!''

''God. He's still alive? Or un-alive, I guess it is.''

Amara turned to see Fletcher frowning at her shoulder. ''Unfortunately,'' she sighed. ''I went to get some water and bumped into him. I think he's come back through some resurrection spell or something. Anyway, that's tomorrow's problem. Right now he's just being whiney and saying how his and Valkyrie's relationship is the 'passion that lights the sky at night and churns the waters of old Atlantis, sunk in its ancient sleep'. I don't know. It's just supremely weird.''

''I have returned to prove my devotion to Valkyrie alone,'' Caelan said angrily. ''I do not need to prove it to any of you.''

''How did you get into the party anyway?'' Fletcher said, seeming to be returning to soberness. ''Climb in through a hatch? Have a vampire pal sneak in? Drop down from a skylight?'' ''I charmed the guard who was admitting people. What is it you call him...the bounder?''

''Bouncer, you tool.'' Fletcher rolled his eyes. ''You've been gone for a while. A lot has changed - Valkyrie's moved on. And you're still the pathetic goth wannabe you always were. You need to visit a barber.''

Amara shook her head in gentle disagreement. ''No, his hair's so emo it cuts itself.''

The vampire hissed at them. ''You are lucky I took my serum tonight. Very lucky. Or I would cast you both aside like the puny humans you are.''

''Stop talking,'' Amara warned him. ''Or I will take you out to lunch and lace your food with salt from the condiment selection.''

''I do not understand your modern slang, but I do not care for your insulting tone. It is folly.''

Fletcher raised his eyes. ''Are you for real? You sound like an extra from _Game of Thrones_.''

He squared his shoulders and looked the vampire in the eye. ''Look, I may not be happy that Valkyrie chose Skulduggery over me-''

''My Sweet One is courting a skeleton?'' Caelan looked equal parts angry and delighted. ''Surely this means that she pines for me! She longs for my dead self and so chose the closest thing she could have to me!''

''No.'' Fletcher said flatly. He touched Amara's arm lightly, to let her know he was in control, and took a step toward the vampire. He was taller than Caelan now.

''Valkyrie is not my girlfriend, but she is - and will always be - my friend. And I'm not going to let you mess her up again. Now, I'll cheerfully admit I can't throw a punch.''

Caelan smirked all over his pale, handsome face. ''Then you threatening me is not any use, is it?''

His head snapped back as Fletcher delivered a perfectly-executed high kick to his face.

A few of the dancers around them stared or clapped politely as Caelan shrieked and hit the ground, blood pooling from his nose. Amara gasped and looked at Fletcher in admiration. ''Now I didn't expect THAT.''

Fletcher gave a small smile as he examined his fingers. ''Nobody ever does.''

Caelan climbed to his feet with a slight wobble. ''How could you do this? My nose is _broken_. You have ruined my face.''

He glared at Fletcher from under the fingers clutching his bloody nose. ''Valkyrie will never take me back now.''

The Teleporter looked at him in mild fascination. ''Haven't you seen the blood covering your face?'' he asked. ''I would've expected you to be lapping it up like a little puppy by now.''

Caelan snarled and quickly stopped with a high keening sound as more blood rushed from his nose. ''I will be back for you, Teleporter. I will be back for you.''

''Sure,'' Fletcher replied unfazedly. ''Then I can kick you again in a more delicate place and see how much you bleed then.''

He only got a hiss in return as Caelan turned his back and fled. ''Wow. I think he's in love with you now,'' remarked Amara. ''You kind of owned him.''

''Well, he isn't that threatening, is he? Just kind of gothy and pitiable. And I kicked his arse. This is my proudest moment since I sang the 'na na na' bit in We Are Young.''

Amara looked at him warily. ''OK. I think you're returning to normal after the Neville Longbottom you pulled. Look,'' she said, nudging him, ''I think you impressed these girls.'' A few young mages were shooting impressed looks at Fletcher and giggling softly. Amara winked at Fletcher and patted his arm as she moved off to get a drink.

Fletcher held up a hand towards the girls. ''Ladies,'' he said. ''One at a time.''

* * *

During Fletcher and Amara's exchange with the vampire, Anton had been entertaining. After he had dragged her into the dancing crowd he had, to Evangeline's embarassment, dished out his moves. First, he'd started off with robot arms, moved on to moonwalking and pelvic thrusts, done a few of his patented air kicks and finished off with the Worm on the floor to general applause.

''I knew you'd go insane one day,'' Evangeline told him sadly as he started clawing the air either in an impersonation of the moves from _Thriller _or a man drowning. ''It's fine,'' Anton murmured, making motions like he was sweeping the air. ''I've got the music in me.''

She groaned as he dipped her to the floor and up again, spinning her out past a surprised Benedict then twirling her under his arm, clicking his fingers. ''We aren't at a fifties roller rink,'' Evangeline reminded him. ''People generally jump up and down to music now.''

''Bo-ring. There's nothing wrong with a good old-fashioned serenade.'' He stopped suddenly and looked at her.

''What?'' Evangeline said urgently at his expression. ''Oh, God. You've got an insane plan in your wee drunken brain, don't you?''

Anton bent down and kissed her hand. ''Mademoiselle,'' he said in a low voice, ''I do think you are the fairest woman here tonight.''

''That's great, but - I - where are you going?''

Now Anton was making his way onto the band's stage. The lead guitarist's rhythmic line petered out and soon his bandmates slowly ceased playing and they looked at Anton. Nearly everyone in the warehouse, and certainly all the people that had been dancing, were staring at the stage.

Evangeline rubbed her arms. She was usually in control of her body but with nerves and adrenaline coursing now through her system she couldn't stop fidgeting.

Anton, known to most people present as the semi-respectable owner of the Midnight Hotel, turned the microphone stand towards him.

''I need something,'' Anton yelled to the room, ''and I need it now!''

''What does he want?'' Leo whispered. Beside him Fletcher shrugged. ''Viagra?''

''I need,'' he said with a half-grin, ''some help in serenading my lovely girlfriend, the person we're all here for tonight...Evangeline. ''

Evangeline gave a slight wave and shrug to the friends that sent her looks clearly saying 'What the hell is he doing?'

Anton held the microphone away from his face and talked quickly to the band. The bassist replied and Anton nodded. He smiled graciously as the lead singer went to sit down at the side of the stage and turned back to the audience.

''You're just too good to be true,'' he sang into the microphone with a husky voice, looking at Evangeline as she stood frozen on the spot.

''Can't take my eyes off of you...you'd be like heaven to touch...''

Anton walked forward until he was standing at the edge of the stage, eyes on hers. ''I wanna hold you so much...''

''This is brilliant,'' Valkyrie grinned as she took in Evangeline's dumbstruck expression.

''At long last love has arrived, and I thank God I'm alive,''

At this point people were beginning to smile as they recognised the song.

''You're just too good to be true...can't take my eyes off of you.''

Anton pointed slowly at Evangeline and through her haze of shock she vaguely heard Fletcher whoop near the back of the room.

The band started up, kicking into an instrumental chorus of _Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You._

Anton jogged back a few paces, throwing out his arm as he belted the famous chorus, the crowd singing along heartily. Evangeline jumped as her friends arrived by her side, slinging their arms around her and each other's shoulders and roaring along to the instruments with a ''Na na, na na, na na na na na,''

''I need you baby if it's quite alright, I need you baby, to warm a lonely night-'' They all laughed as Anton winked, obviously an allusion to Evangeline's fire-starting powers.

''I love you baby, trust in me when I say...''

He nodded to the band, who raised the volume of their music (in a cold dark cupboard near the back of the warehouse Erskine and Dexter, huddled on top of each other in an awkward tangle, looked up in confusion at the sudden loud increase in sound) to an impressive pitch.

''Oh, pretty baby don't bring me down I pray, oh pretty baby now that I found you stay...''

He walked forwards a couple of steps, regaining eye contact with Evangeline as he gave her a half-grin. ''And let me love you, baby, let me love you...''

As he and the band's last note died, the group hugging Evangeline, and the rest of the crowd, burst into wild applause and cheers. Anton naturally lapped it up, bowed to the band and jumped off the stage, making his way to his friends as people cleared a straight path for him to walk through.

''So,'' he said, slightly breathless from the singing, ''how was _that _for a serenade?''

Evangeline rolled her eyes, pushing her hair back so it tumbled down her shoulders, and kissed Anton. Fletcher whistled. ''Damn. That song was so smooth even I fell in love with him.''

Ghastly clapped the Teleporter on the back. ''Come and dance with Tanith and I. Maybe being away from Anton for a while will do you good.''

The three of them traipsed off closer to the stage as the band started playing _Sweet Child O' Mine_. ''Do you think they're ever going to stop?'' Leo asked, fascinated, as Anton bent lower down to deepen the kiss. ''No,'' said Skulduggery, though he sounded slightly unsure. ''They've got to come up for air some time.''

Before Leo could reply, there was a booming crash that echoed throughout the warehouse. Everyone turned around, frowns appearing, and the music faded just in time for people to hear the Garda that were piling through the door announce that they had received reports of loud music and alcohol and whoever was responsible for the premises to step forward for questioning.

Anton brought his head up from Evangeline's, proving Skulduggery's statement correct. He sighed. ''Well, fuck.''

* * *

In the end Ghastly and Tanith had managed to calm the Garda down and convince them to leave with the help of Geraint Mizzle, who had, to their surprise and relief, been sitting in a corner all night sipping lemonade through a squeezy straw.

The party ended naturally shortly later - around 2 A.M in the morning - with guests drifting off after wishing Evangeline a good birthday and thanking her for the party.

''We're heading off,'' Anton announced, strolling over to where Tanith and Ghastly were amongst a few other couples swaying softly to the band's low music. ''I have hours of birthday sex to claim, and I don't want to deny Evangeline the oppurtunity to see me in _my _birthday suit.''

Tanith raised her head from Ghastly's chest. ''To think that I thought you were actually quite sweet after doing that song for her. And now Ghastly and I have to fill out mountains of paperwork for the police because you couldn't keep your singing to a minimum volume!''

''Don't be too mad,'' Fletcher said with a comforting look as he appeared by their side, wearing Evangeline's birthday crown as self-congratulations for beating Dexter in the bet. ''One of the Garda said that this was the most epic party they'd ever crashed.''

''Too right it was,'' Evangeline smiled. ''Thanks for this, guys. It really was one of the best birthday parties I've had. I've no idea how we're going to top this next year. Disneyland?''

''Oh, we're throwing your next birthday party on Mars,'' Anton said with an airy wave. ''I'm calling in some favours.'' Tanith laughed and pulled Evangeline into a quick hug. ''Night. We'll tidy this place up, Ghastly'll come over with all your presents later this morning. And we'll try to find Dexter and Erskine in their cupboard of love.''

Those who were still in the warehouse waved goodbye - Robert and Cillian gave Evangeline groggy hugs - to the two as they left. ''I was just kidding about the birthday sex,'' Anton said as he helped Evangeline into her jacket. ''I know we've got a whole week of that to look forward to in London.''

''Shut up.''

''But it's true, isn't it?''

She sighed very slowly. ''...Yes.''

He wound his arm along her waist and dropped a kiss onto her hair as they walked to his car. ''That's my girl!''


	54. Music and Lyrics

_**In which I write Band!AU and the Skul Crew are particularly proficient at shredding up instruments.**_

_**Sorry a million times over for my absence - Teen Wolf/my school musical (Grease, in case you're wondering) and homework has taken up all my time recently.**_

**That's What You Get **_**is a seriously cool Paramore song and one that I feel would fit nicely in their repertoire.**_

_**Side note: I can actually see Ghastly playing bass guitar over lead, but it didn't really fit for this story.**_

It had, Skulduggery admitted, all started with Ghastly's guitar.

It was after Mrs. Bespoke's funeral and Ghastly's grief-stricken father had gifted Ghastly a small, brand new electric guitar as a way of pulling Ghastly out of his own misery.

The guitar wasn't the best but eight-year-old Ghastly thought it was the coolest thing he'd ever owned and immediately showed his best friend.

Skulduggery thought it was nice, but he'd always preferred the piano, and when Ghastly started to learn they liked to come together after school, heads bent over their respective instruments, Ghastly slowly plucking away at the strings, Skulduggery moving his hands over the piano with the confidence two years of lessons brought.

In their first year of high school they met Tanith, a girl recently moved to the area, and Ghastly fell hopelessly for her. By the time they start going out both he and Skulduggery have realised that Tanith has a serious set of pipes.

Her voice isn't extraordinary by any means, but with practice to refine her technique she really could become brilliant. Skulduggery gives her the phone number of a vocal instructor, and years later he swears that he knew what was coming together all along.

They begin to hang out more, and Skulduggery starts to jot chords down, and then lyrics, until he's penning music, up in his room until the A.M. scribbling on sheets and sheets of paper.

The next year they meet two new kids in school - Fletcher, a hyper little English kid, and Valkyrie, a slightly scruffy, kind of cheeky kid that Skulduggery likes immediately.

His fondness of her intensifies when he enters the music room one lunchtime and hears her play the most amazing AC/DC riff on the bass guitar.

A few days later Tanith casually mentions in conversation that Fletcher plays drums.

And that's when Skulduggery knows what will happen for sure.

They join for practice on a Saturday, and it's pretty darn good. Skulduggery and Ghastly have been playing together for years, so their melodies weave in and out of each other almost as naturally as breathing. Tanith's vocal coach has enhanced her voice tenfold, and she hits the notes Skulduggery wrote wonderfully, low and rich one moment and high and sweet the next.

Valkyrie's a quick learner, and soon she's gelling with them as she picks out chords like some people pluck fruit from trees.

Fletcher's a little harder, takes a little more time to get used to. He likes doing his own thing, switching from a stacatto pace to a sudden roll of drumsticks. Skulduggery gets annoyed with him more than once, but as with Valkyrie it clicks within him too, because under his cocky bravado he's cut from the same cloth - he's a musician, and his blood sings and his heart pumps lyrics and his feet tap out a beat that means he hears things a little differently from most other people.

They finish practice that first day well after the sun has set, and it's with immense pride and tired grins they depart from Tanith's dad's shed.

They all agree they need to think of a name, because hey, they're teenagers, and having a cool band name is a vitally important thing.

''_The Firestarters_,'' says Valkyrie during one lunchtime as they sit around a table. Ghastly shakes his head. ''Nu-uh,'' he says through a mouthful of pizza. ''Too generic.''

''_Supernatural Fridays_,'' Fletcher says as he taps his hand against the table surface.

''_Hibernian Saviour_.'' Valkyrie names the old cinema that closed down a few years ago, but Skulduggery still feels it isn't quite right.

_Darquessed_ is scrapped for being too emo. _Faceless Australians _is Fletcher's second idea, and the second one shot down by the others. The same for _Ceiling Too High _and _We Play With Fire _(Valkyrie's idea - she had a partiality for fire-related titles) and _Doors Are For People With No Imagination _(though Skulduggery thinks this is still the best suggestion).

Lunchtime ends without making any real headway, but during English class while his teacher is droning on about Macbeth, inspiration hits Skulduggery.

Later that day they sit down at the nearby park and Skulduggery produces a piece of paper from his pocket with a flourish, the title of the band written clearly on it like a charm.

_The Skeleton Detectives_.

They play regular gigs at The Sanctuary, a popular hangout for people their age into their kind of music, not whatever pop eye candy is currently touring the charts.

On a balmy May night _The Skeleton Detectives _have the middle slot and they play an OK set. Fletcher forgets about Skulduggery's keyboard solo and Tanith messes up the lyrics to _That's What You Get_, but the crowd obviously likes them better than the goth band who had been on before them. And likes them a _lot _better than the crappiest fledgling band in Ireland that took up the third slot, _The Revenger's Club_, or _Brigade_, or _Platoon_, whatever name they're arguing about this week.

When the night's over and the group are packing up their kit the lead singer of the band before them sidles up to Valkyrie. Skulduggery looks up from where he's zipping up his keyboard case and frowns. His friend is angled away from the singer, fiddling with her guitar, and the guy's leaning into her, all ripped jeans and black eyeshadow.

''Hey,'' Ghastly says, catching onto the situation, ''don't you think it's time you left?''

The singer flicks his hungry eyes from Valkyrie and slowly looks Ghastly up and down. Skulduggery can see the way he catolouges Ghastly's muscles and flat, hard stare and comes to the conclusion that he would get his arse handed to him in a fight.

''I'll see you around,'' he says to Valkyrie and lopes off.

The girl makes a disgusted face. ''Thanks,'' she tells Ghastly in a low undertone. ''Grabby goths are so not my thing.''

''Thank God,'' snorts Fletcher as he pushes his drumsticks into his back pocket. ''See you guys tomorrow.''

He makes for the door but is stopped by a woman stepping through with one elegant, high-heeled foot. Skulduggery can't blame Fletcher's little 'woah' because this woman is honestly one of the most beautiful females he's seen in his life.

She's got black hair tied back in a twist almost sharper than her suit, and she examines them with a cool gaze. ''You're _The Skeleton Detectives_.'' It isn't a question.

''We are,'' Skulduggery says, offering her a hand she pumps twice. ''Uh, and you are...''

''China Sorrows. I'm the manager of _Dead Men_, and I'd be interested in having you open a small show for us.''

And just like that, life changes again.

China tells them she's scouting for young, up-and-coming talent to perform in an opening slot for her band next month, and thinks their sound is interesting.

She sweeps her gaze around the room once more - reserving disdainful looks for Fletcher's meticulously wild hair and Tanith's leathers - as Valkyrie blurts that they would love to play, because _Dead Men _are one of the coolest modern Irish bands and this is a chance that doesn't come around often. China leaves after settling on dates for sound checks and rehearsals and Fletcher's next words sort of perfectly sum up what everyone's feeling.

''_Fuck _yes.''

They start practicing even more voraciously after that, and Tanith tells Skulduggery to ease up with a worried expression, because when his fingers aren't working over the piano they're working around a pen, flowing out lyrics and trying to make their sound less _Panic!At The Disco _and _Thin Lizzy _and _30 Seconds To Mars _and more them.

The four of them reassure him that he's a great songwriter and they've already got all the original material they need, but he points out that one of their best songs include the lyrics 'Doors are for people with no imagination/Is that why you're kicking this relationship through them' and even though Ghastly points out _Doors_ was written when they were thirteen, he can't stop Skulduggery from scratching away at a new melody.

The _Dead Men _gig is less than two weeks away when Fletcher and Skulduggery have their biggest falling out so far.

It starts - as usual - with Fletcher being obnoxious. Then Skulduggery insults him (this time it was his hair on the receiving end of the barb) and Fletcher makes another obnoxious comment that ends with him proclaiming he should be the band's frontman/leader/All Around God.

Tanith tells Fletcher to hush up, Ghastly tries to stop Skulduggery laughing at Fletcher, and eventually the drummer leaves, kicking open the door rather melodramatically and stating that he's 'too good for all of them.'

Skulduggery knows he'll come back, not because Fletcher's secretly not a coward, but because he deals in and craves the same thing they all do, the feeling of losing yourself and putting everything back together at the same time.

He's addicted.

And he comes back.

Before they go on to play in front of the crowd - Fletcher eagerly told them there had to be at most maybe eight hundred - they sit anxiously in their dressing room. Of course, Skulduggery is way too aloof to be _anxious_, but the others are too hyped up on the fact that they have their own dressing room to pretend to be cool.

Some manager (not China, who's most probably with the main act themselves) tells them they have twenty minutes to go. Tanith commands Valkyrie to sit down and let her finish her make up and Valkyrie rolls her eyes and halfheartedly protests that Tanith already has her dressed in the clingy leather tops that the older girl favours. Tanith disregards this and applies another layer of eyeliner before practicing her scales.

Ten minutes to go. They gather backstage and the mounting feeling of tension is almost unbearable. Fletcher's more jittery than ever and by the time the announcer calls their name and the crowd start hollering (even though they have no idea who they are) Ghastly remarks that the blonde looks like he's taken more Adderall than is necessarily good for him.

But then _The Skeleton Detectives _are out on stage, slipping into the positions they know so well, and Skulduggery nods to the rest of them, because even though he's just the keyboard player, he's still the obvious, clear leader.

And then they're in the moment, and he's sliding his hands up against the keys and all he he hears is feeling is music, Tanith warbling into the microphone, Valkyrie's bass line beating like a synchronised heart, Fletcher's skittering drum beat piecing them all together with its rhythmic glue.

It's moments like this that he was _born _for.

''You are the songwriter for _The Skeleton Detectives_, yeah?'

The girl interviewing him is from some popular music magazine, but Skulduggery's too dazed to think about anything than the set they just played. The others are somewhere else backstage getting changed, but he was the unfortunate one grabbed to field questions.

''Uh, yes, I'm the primary lyricist, songwriter, whatever you want to call it. The others help me with parts sometimes, a chord that's not sounding right, you know.''

''Sure. So what would you list your influences as?''

''There's a lot. _Thin Lizzy _were a big factor in getting me into music, and I know Tanith - our lead singer - has always been a big Debbie Harry fan. _The Black Keys _are a really good band, and...yeah, _Fall Out Boy_'s lyrics are genius. There's this part of _Dance, Dance _that inspired the chorus to a song I wrote, _Necromancy_. And then there's the greats, like Frank Sinatra, and I love...''

He tails off because God, there they are. _Dead Men _have just come into the room from their interval, downing water bottles and throwing themselves onto the couch.

Skulduggery briefly apologies to the interviewer and strides over. Erskine Ravel is still sipping from his bottle, and Larrikin and Dexter Vex are sprawled out across the couch. Shudder is conferring with Hopeless over a sheet of lyrics, and Skulduggery coughs.

The band look up, and Erskine gives him a genuine smile and offers his hand. ''Hey,'' he says as Skulduggery shakes it, trance-like, ''you played a brilliant set. China struck gold. Maybe we'll give her a raise.''

''You know China pays herself whatever she fancies,'' Hopeless grumbles. ''We should stop acting under the pretense we have any control over our finances.''

''It's like a deal with the devil,'' Dexter told Skulduggery in a confidential tone. ''She made us succesful and in return she took our souls. But at least she's a really hot heartless bitch.''

Skulduggery nodded as if he was completely calm. And then Erskine engaged him in a conversation about the effectiveness of minor chords versus major chords, and that's how he ended up in a pillow fight with _The Dead Men _that caused them to walk on to play the second half of their set fifteen minutes later than they should have.

Yes, Skulduggery thinks as he and the other _Skeleton Detectives _toast each other with champagne. He was born to do this.


	55. (500) Days of Fletcher

_**For my real History banter/farmer clique group - Liham, Tractor, Kieran the Christmas Angel and C-Bomb. Sheep in wellies appreciation life.**_

_**I've finally got around to writing platonic friend Fletchyrie in school, which I've been meaning to do for ages. I'm drawing experience from my own very Scottish high school, so sorry if anything here doesn't correlate with the Irish equivalent. It's also my birthday tomorrow, so it's kind of a 'finally updated' birthday present to myself. :) And hopefully an incentive to actually start writing more of this.**_

_**If you don't know what Fruit Salad is or haven't played it in class before, then you have missed out on one of the best things to ever do in school.**_

**Gangnam Style **_**and **_**What Makes You Beautiful **_**are both well-known songs. One is serious, the other not so much. I'll let you decide which.**_

* * *

(Day 1)

"Good morning, shitheads."

And it was with that sentence Valkyrie Cain realised four things.

1) Fletcher Renn had just walked into her registration class.

2) Skulduggery's threats of making Fletcher attend her high school for her increased protection had come true.

3) Everyone was looking at Fletcher strolling towards her desk with a wide grin.

4) She would have to move to Sweden for some obscure foreign exchange student programme, because she didn't think she could attend school from now on without either comitting murder or suicide.

* * *

(Day 53)

Almost two months since Fletcher had joined her high school, Valkyrie still didn't know how the boy had ended up in the same Mathematics class as her.

The room was quiet save for the scratch of pen on paper and the occasional rustle of someone turning over their sheet. It was one of those days when the ten minutes of test revision before lunch seemed to drag on forever.

Valkyrie tensed, her pen stilling on the page as Fletcher's own pen leaned across the table and prodded her in the arm.

"For the last time, we are NOT making maths jokes."

Fletcher pouted and slowly withdrew his hand.

A few minutes later, he slid a piece of paper across the desk.

Valkyrie looked at what he had written on it, and her lips slowly formed the words. _I love maths cos I'm insine._

"You made...a joke...about _trigonometry_?"

He smirked. "Hey, why do you have such a negative parabola? Get it? Because you're frowing, and negative parabolas are upside down-"

The bell rang, and Valkyrie jumped to her feet, stuffing her textbook into her bag as she left the room.

But not before she heard Fletcher whistle "Dat ass...ymptote" behind her.

* * *

(Day 97)

"Sorry! Sorry I'm late! I-"

Fletcher skidded into the chemistry classroom half an hour late, halting at the teacher's desk.

"Mr. Renn," Dr. Finstock said, taking off his glasses and picking up a sheaf of paper, "you have, in your time at this school, claimed to be late for a number of reasons, including but not limited to- "

He cleared his throat before beginning to read from the paper. " 'I spent my night writing Tom Daley fanfiction', 'I got caught in a flashmob', 'My legs fell off and I had to roll to the hospital', 'It doesn't matter how slow you go as long as you do not stop', 'I was explaining how to give a satisfactory blowjob. I wish I was joking', 'I had to travel back to the 1950s to ensure my birth', 'Barack Obama and I got into a twitter war and I couldn't let him win', and 'I was fighting Al Qaeda'.

So tell me...what was your excuse this time?"

Fletcher drooped. "Usain Bolt challenged me to a foot race," he mumbled.

"Go to your seat, Mr. Renn."

Fletcher dropped into the seat beside Valkyrie. He slumped across the table in front of them and swivelled his eyes upwards to her. "So what are we doing today?" he asked mid-yawn.

Valkyrie looked down at him from where she was measuring liquid into a beaker.

"You're leaning in a flammable pot of acid," she told him as calmly as she possibly could.

"Holy SHI-"

"MR. RENN! WHY ARE YOU ON FIRE?!"

* * *

(Day 114)

At lunch one Tuesday Fletcher sat down beside Valkyrie, sliding his tray onto the table. "How's the case coming along?" he asked, peering over her shoulder at the file she was studying, hidden in her Geography textbook.

"Pretty tame compared to Faceless Gods and power-hungry psychos," she sighed. "It's been slow recently. Not the season for murders or stuff. Skulduggery's going crazy - it's like that episode of _Sherlock_ when-"

"Anyway," said Fletcher eagerly, "I've got some new friends for us. You know, so we don't have to eat alone like two bloody losers."

Valkyrie closed over the book. "Who do you mean?"

Fletcher waved at the other side of the canteen, and a group of shabby teenagers slouched towards them. Valkyrie looked horrified. "You asked the farmer clique to hang out with us?"

"What?"

"You've been here for four months now, how can't you - God, they're the clique of farmer's kids. They're the Irish version of Goths."

"Ay up," said the first boy to reach their table. He had a piece of straw hanging out of his mouth.

The other four members of his group clustered around, each wearing items of tweed or, Valkyrie suspected, haversack.

"Hello, Donny," Valkyrie said in a monotone. ("Me friends call me Tractor," he replied.)

"Sit down, guys," Fletcher beamed. "There's lots of room." He ignored Valkyrie's pointed look at him and budged around to let them sit down.

"We can't be absorbed into the farmer clique," Valkyrie warned the Teleporter under her breath. "They'll have us smoking out of pipes before the week is over."

"Pipe? Want it?" one of the girls asked, producing one from her bag. Valkyrie shook her head quickly while Fletcher grinned. "We hang out with smokers now. I feel so _rebellious_."

"I miss Tanith and Ghastly," Valkyrie said sadly, putting her hands on the table.

Donny looked at her and Fletcher and in a tone of normal conversation said "Ye know, when you're fucking a sheep you put its legs in wellies so it can't get away."

Valkyrie and Fletcher looked at each other.

"Whatever you do," she whispered out of her mouth, "don't Teleport away without me."

* * *

(Day 178)

Music began with Fletcher getting into an argument over bands ("Brendon Urie is a bitching peformer. He can play over ten different instruments perfectly, including your mum.") and ended with him bursting into tears during his triangle solo.

"I told you your instrument of choice for the exam shouldn't have been a triangle," Valkyrie said in a comforting sort of way as she tried to juggle her bag, Fletcher's bag and Fletcher's teary head on her shoulder as they walked down the corridor after class.

She pushed past a group of enthusiastic first years and patted him on the back.

"And maybe picking _Gangnam Style _as your piece to play wasn't the best choice. Better than _What Makes You Beautiful _in your last exam, I suppose..."

"It wasn't that," sniffed Fletcher. "It was just - it's just - I - I was _outstanding_."

And with that, he burst into a fresh round of sobs.

* * *

(Day 253)

Valkyrie's eyelashes fluttered shut, then blinked back open.

It was Friday.

The sun was splitting the sky.

The English classroom had never been so hot.

Or so boring.

Her eyes jerked open again as there was a small _ping _on the window beside her. She glanced out and her jaw dropped slightly. Fletcher poked his head over his shoulder. His jaw dropped too.

In the parking lot Erskine Ravel stood with a handful of gravel, looking up at the window expectantly. Anton Shudder was behind him, standing in his bright red Porsche (with added flame stickers up the side) wearing a T-shirt with a picture of a light switch over the words 'turn me on.'

Erskine waved when he saw them looking and pointed Anton, who held up a sign that said 'Get in losers, we're going shopping!'

Ten minutes later Valkyrie and Fletcher strode across the parking lot. "Please say you're here to liberate us. We had to sneak out the kitchen entrance to avoid being caught. And that place doesn't smell good," Valkyrie sighed, tipping her head back to soak in the sun. "Downright fishy," Fletcher agreed.

Erskine opened the door to let the two teenagers into the back seat before climbing in himself.

"You better buckle up," Anton said, adjusting his rear view mirror to grin at them, before catching sight of his reflection and grinning at himself.

"Why?"

Erskine noticed his friend was otherwise preoccupied. "Well, you know Grand Theft Auto? Anton drives like that."

Valkyrie and Fletcher immediately reached for their seatbelts and pushed them into their slots.

Anton re-caught their gaze in the mirror. "Pay attention kiddos, while I drop the bass."

"You're turning the radio station," Erskine told him. "Not exactly dropping anything, bass or otherwise."

"You can't let me pretend I'm a DJ for one second, can you? Just one second, that's all I ask."

"I'm not calling you MC Shudder again."

"Hey, that was one time-" "Excuse me!" Valkyrie said, interrupting a conversation that was growing more and more heated. "But there must be a reason for you kidnapping us."

"We didn't kidnap you!" Anton put on a hurt expression. "There's some boringly important case that Erskine wanted you two to help on."

"There's a psychopathic murderer threatening to expose magic to the general populace in Dublin, I'd hardly call that boring."

"Well, I wouldn't have to deal with things like this if I was a DJ..."

"You stopped playing the tin whistle because you found it too hard! I don't think that qualifies you for a career in music."

"So? Most mainstream artists nowadays can't sing and they make a career in music."

"_Excuse me_." The two men twisted around in their seats for the second time to face an annoyed Valkyire and a decidedly amused Fletcher. "If we're going to catch this psychopathic criminal," she went on, "shouldn't we actually, y'know, start the car and go after him?"

Anton pointed at her. "Excellent plan." He turned around and shifted the clutch, pressing his foot down on the accelerator as they peeled out of the school parking lot.

"So, you don't think I'd be a good DJ or something?"

"Oh my God..."

* * *

(Day 292)

Giggle.

Giggle giggle giggle.

"Fletcher, I'm warning you..."

"I'm...'' *snort* "sorry...I can't...a...hahahahaha, oh my God, I think I just laughed myself into a set of abs."

"I can't believe you confused brasserie for brassiere. While talking to our French teacher."

* * *

(Day 357)

"There's a thing in my cereal bowl, and I can't tell if it's a Rice Krispie or an orange seed."

Fletcher stared blearily confused at his bowl and Valkyrie walked over. "It's a Rice Krispie. Now come on, or we'll be late."

She finished brushing her hair and picked up her schoolbag. They had stayed at Gordon's house the night before - a late night-chase through Roarhaven had meant Valkyrie's Reflection had had to be used with the pretense of homework at Hannah Foley's.

"It wouldn't be the worst thing to stay at Hannah Foley's,'' Fletcher yawned as he pulled his jacket on. Valkyrie dumped their plates in the sink at called goodbye to Gordon, who was upstairs pondering his existence.

"What?" He said defensively at her glare as they took hands and Teleported. "She's fit."

In a blink and rush later they were standing behind the petrol station ten minute's walk from the school.

"Parent's night tomorrow,'' Valkyrie remarked casually, then looked abruptly at the boy beside her.

Fletcher walked on a few more steps before seemingly becoming aware of her stare. "What? Do I have cereal on my face? Is my hair OK?"

"Parent's night tomorrow,'' she repeated. "It's mandatory. And since your parents can't come..."

She hadn't expected anything more out of Fletcher about his estranged father, and she didn't get any. "Damn," he said softly. "Uh, well..."

"I'll text Skulduggery and the others," Valkyrie said as she whipped out her mobile. "They'll work something out."

"Great. So, can I copy your Chemistry homework now?"

''Fletcher!"

"I didn't have time to do it! I mean, I would have last night, but we were going after that woman!"

Valkyrie tapped her phone screen as it buzzed with a text from Anton. She scanned its few lines and laughed. "Oh my God," she said as she passed it to Fletcher to read. "You're going to love this plan..."

* * *

(Day 358)

"THIS IS THE MOST FUN I'VE EVER HAD," Anton said as he fixed a moustache onto his face. "BEST PLAN WE'VE EVER COME UP WITH."

Erskine nodded, but still looked a little disgruntled. "I still don't see why I have to be the wife."

Anton finished up with his moustache and gave Erskine's dress-clad body and stuffed chest a look over. "Because you're the prettier one," he said before turning to Fletcher. "Do we look like your parents?"

The boy gave him a thumbs-up. "Oh, yeah. Loving Erskine's make-up."

"Thanks," Tanith said, dabbing a bit more powder onto the Grand Mage's cheek. "I still don't see why Ghastly and I could have been his parents tonight. I've got the accent."

"You don't have the acting skills of Erskine and I,'' Anton sniffed. "Don't take it personally."

"I really shouldn't be missing work for this," Erksine said as he smoothed the dress down with clumsy hands, "but this is kind of fun. Apart from the cross-dressing, of course," he abruptly reminded them.

"Knock 'em dead," Tanith told them, then let the the three males out of Ghastly's van.

They had parked across the street from the school, and Erskine got a few wolf-whistles as they crossed the road. "Nice legs!" one of the men further down the street shouted with a wink.

Erskine looked rather pleased with himself, but Anton wrapped an arm around his friend's shoulders and glared in the direction of the callers. "I can't believe they're making these lewd comments," he hissed.

Fletcher raised his eyebrows. "It's nothing nearly as bad as the stuff you say when a hot girl walks past."

"Plus we're _not actually married_," remined Erskine, giving Anton a loaded look. "Right,'' said Anton as they entered the school. "Got a bit carried away with the role there."

They waved to Valkyrie across the hall, where she was sitting with her parents and Mrs. Dunbar. She caught sight of Erskine and Anton's costumes and brought her fist up to her mouth very quickly to stop her laughter.

"Just remember," Fletcher warned them slightly anxiously as they approached the first teacher on their appointments sheet, "you are not my real parents."

"Why so nervous, Fletcher? You're not going to get a really bad report or anything, right?"

"...Of course not."

Dr. Finstock was the worst.

He exahaled as he looked through the sheets of Fletcher's progress over the past year. "I honestly don't know what to say to you." He sat back in his chair and steepled his fingers.

"Your son is in danger of failing Chemistry - he failed to complete the homework yesterday as the most recent example. He is persistently disruptive and careless. Once he literally set himself on fire during class."

"That wasn't my fault!" Fletcher protested, but further protestions were silenced by the two on either side of him.

"I've never been so disappointed!" Anton rumbled as Erksine cried delicately into a lace handkerchief.

"This is too much," Erskine whispered before blowing his nose. "I blame you, Seamus."

"Don't pin this on me, Doreen! You were always too easygoing on him!" Anton said in a raised voice. A few parents and teachers near to Dr. Finstock looked in their direction.

"I wasn't afraid to show my love, if that's what you mean," Erskine said tearily. Fletcher was sitting perfectly still, torn between burying his head in his hands and mouthing 'Seamus?' 'Doreen?'

Anton jumped to his feet. "I knew he'd turn out a failure. You just couldn't handle the fact that your faultless son might be a little less than what you expected!"

"He's OUR son, you bastard!" cried Erskine, rising awkwardly in his dress and throwing the balled-up handkerchief at Anton. The whole hall was now staring at in shock. "No wonder he feels not good enough - in fact, I'd rather have him for a husband than you!"

There was a muttered 'Good God, it's a shower of incest' from what sounded like Valkyrie's dad.

Anton threw his hands up in the air, his fake moustache quivering faster with every passing second. "If you want to part from me so much then fine! Leave! Go to that tennis player you've been sleeping with on the side! That's right! I know about him!"

"Not in front of Fletcher!" Erskine hissed, possibly unaware that their audience was far bigger than just the boy who was now looking at them ashen-faced.

Dr. Finstock cleared his throat nervously. "Mr. and Mrs. Renn, if you would just like to sit back down, I know the results of a parent's evening can be disappointing..."

"That's right, use Fletcher as an excuse," Anton hissed, completely ignoring the teacher. "You're the reason he has a reading age of an eight-year-old, Doreen, not me."

Hannah Foley twisted around in her seat to stare at Fletcher with an incredulous expression, and he moaned, finally succumbing to dropping his head into his palms.

"I SLEPT WITH YOUR FATHER TOO!" Erskine screamed, pointing a finger at Anton. "HE GAVE ME MORE THAN YOU EVER COULD!"

"WE'RE GETTING DIVORCED!" Anton roared. "JUST YOU TRY TO STOP ME. I'LL SEE YOU IN COURT!"

With that, he turned and stomped out of the hall.

Erskine blinked into the silence, then grabbed Fletcher's arm. "Thank you very much," he said politely to the speechless Dr. Finstock, then pulled Fletcher out of the building.

"You got really into that, didn't you," Fletcher murmured as they walked down the steps at the front of the school. "I suppose we did," Erskine agreed, looking a bit surprised.

They reached Ghastly's van and found Anton sitting at the back, feet on the bumper. "We just had a domestic argument in front of about three hundred people, didn't we," he stated, staring straight ahead.

His moustache was dangling from his lip.

"I think we'll let Tanith and Ghastly do stuff like this from now on," Erskine agreed.

He sat down next to Anton on the bumper, using the same shell-shocked look ahead as he absentmindedly removed a wadding of tissue from his bra.

Fletcher looked at them, scuffing the toe of his trainer against the ground.

Nobody said anything.

In fact, there really didn't seem to be anything to say.

* * *

(Day 414)

It was the night of the Christmas disco. A herd of teens were packed into the school, alternatively swaying, jumping up and down or trying to look good in front of the person they fancied.

"I can't believe we actually went to this," Valkyrie said into Fletcher's ear.

"I know!" he called as they stepped 'to the back there yo'. (The DJ seemed to think the _Cha Cha Slide _was appropriate dancing material for their age group. Oddly enough, going by the amount of people getting down to it, he seemed to be right.)

"But if you think about it-" he paused everyone Charlie Brown-ed, which consisted of everyone looking to each other to see what they were doing and kicking their legs out a lot.

"-Skulduggery was right. You're going to be glad you did what high school experiences you could."

Valkyrie shrugged and smiled as everyone in the hall slid to the left then criss crossed.

"Maybe you're right."

There was a lot of laughter as the song ended and all the people that were too cool to dance to anything other than the obligatory _Cha Cha Slide _slunk off to the side of the room.

"Want to go get a drink?"

Valkyrie nodded at Fletcher and they made their way into the foyer where the stands of drinks and crisps were set up. Fletcher poured them both Cokes and they leaned against the wall sipping them and watching the moving bodies inside the hall illuminated by the flashing lights.

Valkyrie moved so someone could reach the Sprite and tossed her empty plastic cup in the bin. "I love this song," she said as _Pumped-Up Kicks _by Foster The People began playing. "Let's get back in."

Fletcher dumped his own cup and they stood to the side of the assembly hall door to let a group of giggling girls past them. Valkyrie felt a light tap on her shoulder and she turned to see Fletcher pointing upwards with a grin to the bunch of fake mistletoe hanging at the top of the doorway.

Valkyrie sighed. "Every high school experience, right?"

She leaned forward and planted a brief kiss on his lips.

"Wow," he said, drawing back, "you've really lost your technique since we broke up. Want to do some practice?" He waggled his eyebrows and Valkyrie shook her head in amusement as they walked into the hall.

* * *

(Day 447)

Fletcher elbowed Valkyrie. "Gullible substitue teacher at twelve o' clock."

She looked up to see a young man wearing an ill-fitting suit at the front of the class checking over the register list and scratch his head. "Uh, excuse me class, this is Mrs. Dunbar's senior English group, right?"

"I see him. Want to instigate a game of Fruit Salad?"

He made a finger gun at her. "Great minds think alike."

* * *

(Day 467)

The paper said _I wish we were sin and cos squared, so together we would be one_.

Valkyrie pursed her lips. "That's all right," she whispered, but wait for _this_." She bent over the paper and scribbled something down.

Fletcher pushed her hair off the desk so he could see what she was writing. His phone vibrated in his pocket and he guiltily checked their Maths teacher hadn't heard before taking it out.

_Get to the Sanctuary. Urgent._

It was sent by Ghastly, and the to-the-point tone of the message gave Fletcher a sense of unease.

"There," said Valkyrie triumphantly, sliding the paper to him. "Try telling me that isn't the best geometry joke you've ever heard."

"No time," Fletcher whispered. "Something's come up. Ghastly wants us to get to the Sanctuary ASAP."

Valkyrie straightened, eyes slightly narrowed, immediately all business. She clicked her fingers very softly so the kids sitting at the desk beside theirs wouldn't hear. A flame flared up, and she took the piece of paper they had been writing the jokes on and held it to her hand so it would catch alight. "Make a distraction," she said in low tones to Fletcher.

"What? I - oh, shit, what am I doing."

He jumped off his seat and ran to the front of the classroom. "Mrs. Donal," he said loudly, aware that everyone was looking at him, "I think I've wet myself."

There was a snort from Gary Price and then the rest of the class began guffawing. From her position at the back of the room Valkyrie pushed very quickly with her hand and the burning paper shot up to the smoke detector on the ceiling . For a second, as Mrs. Donal tried to calm the class down and attempted to appear straight-faced herself, Fletcher thought it wouldn't catch. And then there was a wailing of an alarm from the corridors, and the class cheered as Mrs. Donal sighed "File out to the emergency exit. Fletcher, I'm sorry, but you'll...have to visit the toilet later."

He nodded, red-faced, and bolted out the door with Valkyrie. "That was surprisingly well done," she said as they followed their classmates down the corridor. "I mean, embarassing as hell, but well done."

"Now Hannah Foley thinks I'm illiterate _and _a pants-wetter. I should just die now."

He continued to moan as Valkyrie pulled him out of the main corridor. The fire alarm was still wailing, and someone's shoes were clicking against the floor.

"Let's go," she said, and they grabbed hands and Teleported just before a teacher came around the corner.

* * *

(Day 474)

"I literally understood not one word of that," Fletcher said as they walked out of Irish.

"Maybe you would if you paid more attention to the work and less attention to rating the girls in the room out of ten."

He gave Valkyrie an indignant look. "I gave you a nine, didn't I?"

"And I will treasure that." They took the steps to the English floor two at a time - they were late for class again - and Fletcher opened his mouth to reply before his phone rang with Jedward's _Bad Behaviour_.

"Who's calling you?"

Fletcher tapped his phone screen with a frown, then groaned. "It wasn't anyone calling, it was my alarm reminder. We've got a test this period. I guess you didn't study for it either?"

They looked at each other in the empty stairwell. The second bell rang, signalling that all students should be in their respective classrooms.

"It's a bit pointless to go to class now, isn't it?"

"Absolutely," agreed Fletcher, nodding. "And we don't want to risk disturbing everbody who's taking the test, right?"

"Of _course_ not," Valkyrie said emphatically. "It would just be cruel. In fact, it's a good deed to miss class today."

They turned aroud and made their way back down the stairs. "You know, I think the cafe on Richmond Street was doing some sale on pizza," Fletcher said. "It would be stupid to not miss that chance..."

The two teenagers looked at each other, laughed and high-fived as they jogged to the school's back exit.

* * *

(Day 500)

"I can't believe Brian Madden asked you out," Fletcher whooped as they walked to the Haggard pier after school. The sun was punding down on them and the streets were full of schoolkids with jumpers wrapped around their waists and shirt sleeves rolled up as they headed home.

"I don't want to believe it," Valkyrie said darkly. She pulled on the school tie Fletcher had wrapped around his head. "Also, if you mention this to anyone - especially Skulduggery or Tanith - I will kill you. Or give you the wrong answers in Chemistry tomorrow."

Fletcher smiled a little. "Two minutes. I'll just go buy us ice creams."

He popped into the corner store and Valkyrie pulled her hair up into a ponytail, trying to take some heat off the back of her neck. Fletcher reappeared with a vanilla cone in both hands, handed one to Valkyrie, and they carried on. The only breeze that ruffled Valkyrie's skirt was the one created by a car driving lazily past, music set just too loud.

"So," Fletcher began as he licked at his ice cream. "Brian Madden."

Valkyrie wiped off a piece of ice cream on her nose. "Not funny."

"Very funny."

"As far as I'm concerned, this is the worst thing that's happened since Anton made up a dance to _Hips Don't Lie_.''

"Oooooh. Now I know you're serious."

The pier came into sight, and Fletcher gazed up at the seagulls circling overhead. "If any of your bastards even think about touching my ice cream I'll Teleport you to the middle of a clay pigeon shooting range," he whispered.

"You're talking to birds," Valkyrie informed him. The Bentley was visible, looking slightly odd in its impeccable stylishness against the backdrop of heat and summer.

"Brian Madden was talking to _you_."

"Oh, tou-shay."

Fletcher finished with his ice cream and wiped his hands clean. "So, I have something to tell you," he said, stopping against the rail of the pier.

Valkyrie paused beside him and finished her own before answering. "What is it? Have you actually done your own Chemistry homework? Too bad. I've enjoyed you and Dr. Finstock's bantering relationship of hate every time you tell him you haven't completed the work he set."

"Actually..." Fletcher blinked into the sun and seemed to gather his words before saying "I'm not coming to school tomorrow."

She leaned her forearms against the rail. "Really? Guess I'll have to sit with the farmer clique again. God, I can't believe you asked them to hang out with us that time."

Fletcher smiled at the joke, but didn't say anything else.

"What is it, then? Are you going to be off on Friday too?"

He sighed. "I'm not coming back to school with you. Everyone agreed that there's a load of stuff I could be doing - I could be helping elsewhere in the Sanctuary - that I'm not when I'm in a school where I'm older than everyone else, learning stuff I don't need to know."

Valkyrie opened her mouth, then closed it again.

"I mean, I only ever started going to school to look out for you," he continued, like it was an argument he'd rehearsed before. "There haven't been any attempts to kidnap you or anything like that, and you're so kickass right now probably no-one _could _kidnap you. And there's only a few months of high school left."

He grinned. "I'm starting something tomorrow - Ghastly gave me this really cool assignment. I'm going to have to study some more Teleporting theory, which is completely boring, but I like the sound of this job. We'll still be hanging out, just...a bit less than usual."

He finished his speech then reached up with a disgruntled expression to pat his hair, wilting in the heat of the afternoon sun. "My hair has melted," he said in a tone of surprise and annoyance.

Valkyrie looked at him, and laughed. She took his arm and pulled him in the direction of the waiting Bentley. "You know, Fletcher," she said, smiling and closing her eyes to the sun, "I'm really glad you came to my school."

"Yeah," he smiled, embracing her to his side for a moment before letting her go. "Me too."


	56. Merry Christmas Everyone: Shakin' Steven

_**Happy New Year! This chapter isn't so good, but hopefully the brief return of Freddie may make up for it. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and look forward to the upcoming New Year's Ball chapter which should be uploaded sometime in the next five years, providing I eventually finish it.**_

* * *

**(It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas)**

Tinsel festooned most available spaces like bright red, green and purple vines that had slithered out of the jungle especially for this time of year. An 'angelic' choir of children sang from the music playing at a slightly-too-loud volume in the background. A few fake trees with ends drooping from the weight of their decorations dotted the store. People seemed to be just that tiny bit happier.

Skulduggery hated it all.

"It's not that I hate Christmas itself," he grumbled to Valkyrie as she pushed the cart down the dairy aisle. "It's just this awful commercial version of the holiday that Christmas has become. Even thirty years ago you wouldn't have seen half of the tat that's in shops right now. Look! Reindeer ears!" He snatched the offending item of a rack and waved it around, narrowly missing a stooped old lady who gave him a foul look.

"Why would you need reindeer ears? What purpose could they possibly serve?"

"They're supposed to be funny," Valkrie shrugged. "You really don't get the whole concept of 'cheer and goodwill', do you?"

She stopped to pick up a box of cereal as Skulduggery set down the reindeer ears on top of a display of pasta sauces and launched into a tirade against the song 'Jingle Bells'.

"The title itself is ridiculous. Bells _are_ commonly known to jingle. Or jangle. Or chime. Or ring."

"Skulduggery -"

"If you're going to use an inane onomatopoeia at least make it worth your time."

"Are you even _noticing _-"

"Hush Valkyrie, I'm teaching you things your teachers never could."

"That's great, but -"

"What on Earth could 'jingle all the way' mean? I assume they're referencing the sleigh ride they're on, but all the way? Are they sure they want to do that? Will some poor soul have to lean out of the sleigh jingling until they reach their destination? Hardly seems fair, does it?"

"We're never going to catch up with him now -"

"Mind you, they could just have employed a servant to jingle for them. A professional jingler. No, that sounds stupid."

"Skulduggery!" Valkyrie finally shouted, causing a few shoppers to glance over in curiosity. "The man we've been trailing for the past three hours saw us. And ran away. While you were ranting about a bloody Christmas song!"

"Damn it," Skulduggery said forcefully, noticing the absense of the sorcerer. "You're right."

"Of course I'm ri-"

She was cut off again as Skulduggery leapt forwards, shoving through the few shoppers in his way as he ran towards the exit. Valkyrie swore and followed at a sprint.

**(Fairytale of New York)**

In retrospect, letting Anton Shudder and Dexter Vex come to Ryan Reynolds's Christmas party in New York was not Leonardo's best idea. Dexter was juggling bottles beside the vodka waterfall and Anton was showing off the photos he had of the Christmas he'd put a turkey over Erskine's head and refused to remove it, forcing the other man to have to eat his way out.

"I'm going to call you Leop," Anton roared, setting the pictures down on a table and slinging an arm around Leonardo's shoulder.

Leo looked confused and mildly spaced out for a few seconds then started to laugh. "That is _such a great idea_!" he enthused.

"Hey, Leo," Ryan said, making his way past, "your friend Dexter says he can surf down the waterfall! How cool is that?"

"He tried that once during the war," Anton said, "but Skulduggery made the water rise up and swallow him."

Ryan raised his eyebrows at Leo. "Your Irish friends are weird."

"Tell me about it."

**(Driving home for Christmas)**

Imagine, if you will, a picturesque Christmas scene. It was the sort of landscape photographers liked to make cards of.

Snow covering the ground glinted in the early morning sun, and a few robins even hopped in the branches of trees. An iced-over lake, itself covered in snow, was the scene for a lone, anxious boy, stumbling and occasionally tripping as he staggered across the ice away from a pursuing carriage filled with his gleeful, hooting, friends. Anton Shudder conducted as he leaned out of it.

"DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW, GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR WAY (You suck, Fletcher!)

YOU'RE SO BLOODY SLOW, AND FAT, WHAT DO YOU WEIGH?

HA HA HA

YOU CAN'T STYLE YOUR HAIR, OR DO ANYTHING RIGHT

GET OUT OF OUR WAY YOU PRAT WE'RE DRIVING HERE TONIGHT

JINGLE BELLS, GO TO HELL, GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR WAY

OH WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE

OVER YOUR BODY EVERY DAY, HEY!

JINGLE BELLS, GO TO HELL, WHAT DID WE JUST SAY

YOU BETTER RUN 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T HIDE

FROM OUR MOTHERFUCKING SLEIGH!"

**(Baby it's cold outside)**

"It's way too cold up here. Did they really have to wait for the next skilift?" Fletcher complained. He rubbed his gloved hands together and gazed balefully at the sky. "And I think it's going to snow soon."

"You can't ski without snow," Valkyrie told him, adjusting the clasp on her skiis.

Fletcher gestured to the thick white blanket that covered the mountain. "We've got plenty enough snow to ski on as it is. Then when it does snow, our group will be forced to take shelter in an abandoned ski chalet where we'll spend the weekend either being stuck in romantic yet hilarious situations with one another or being chased by a serial killer with an axe. Either way, someone will end up pregnant."

Skulduggery and Valkyrie looked at one another very quickly. "They'll be here soon," said Skulduggery with enough steel in his voice to make Fletcher aware that his patience was running out.

Sure enough, not five minutes had passed before Tanith, Ghastly, Erskine and Anton skiied to a stop beside the waiting trio.

"It's about time," Fletcher grumbled.

"Ready to go?" Erskine said in a chipper tone, snapping his neon purple goggles over his eyes. Anton eyed the goggles distastefully and shuffled a few steps away from his friend.

Just then, there was a faint sound carried towards them on the wind, and they looked over their shoulders. Behind them, further up the mountain but quickly gaining ground, a cackling Nefarian Serpine in a Santa hat skiied towards the group.

"I thought he died years ago!" howled Anton as they all sped away.

It was at that moment Fletcher remembered he couldn't ski.

**(Merry Christmas darling)**

"I got a One Direction advent calendar!"

Erskine looked it over. "It's the sixteenth. You haven't opened it today."

"But I don't want to hurt Niall's face."

"..."

"For God's sake, Fletcher."

Anton seized the calendar and ripped open each door, taking the chocolate and eating it before moving onto the next. Fletcher's eyes widened as he saw Niall's face be opened up with a flick of Anton's fingers.

"I fucking love chocolate!" Anton exclaimed through a mouthful of the food.

Erskine patted him on the back. "Me too, Anton. Me too."

**(It's the most wondeful time of the year)**

"Leo, pull a cracker with me?"

A few of the Dead Men plus Fletcher and Leonardo were having a pre-Christmas celebration at Ghastly's: really an excuse to get drunk in the name of the season.

Leo reached across the table and took hold of the Christmas cracker Erskine proffered. After the bang the actor was left with the bigger half, so he smiled and reached inside the cracker, pulling out a hat which he sat atop his head, and the slip of paper holding the joke.

"Read it out," Skulduggery called from further down the table. "It can't be worse than the ones we've got in our crackers."

"Hey, these jokes weren't so bad..."

"They were so dreadful I was considering moving back into the Faceless Ones' dimension just to I wouldn't be subjugated to them. That dreadful."

Leo cleared his throat before reading "What did Santa say when he walked into your house and saw your mum, sister and girlfriend? 'Ho ho ho.'"

He dropped the piece of paper onto the table. "Alright, who wrote these jokes?"

Anton looked up at the ceiling as innocently as possible.

**(Winter wonderland)**

Tanith and Valkyrie were sitting laughing on the former's couch over case files and mugs of hot chocolate when the apartment door opened and Skulduggery, Ghastly, Dexter, Erskine and Anton walked in.

Snow had settled on their hair and shoulders, and they removed their wet jackets before moving over into the living room area.

"Hey," Tanith said, leaning up to kiss Ghastly's cheek. "Where were you guys?"

The five men looked at one another. "On a lake."

"And where's Fletcher?"

*Flashback*

"DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW, GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR WAY (You suck, Fletcher!)"

*End Flashback*

"Uhhh...under it."

**(All I want for Christmas is you)**

This year, the Skul Crew had gathered at the Midnight Hotel for Christmas Day. Valkyrie and Skulduggery were the last to arrive in Anton's quarters in the Hotel, and they were greeted by the sight of their friends unwrapping presents placed under a pine tree-shaped air freshener in lieu of a tree.

"It took up enough of my time decorating the rest of the Hotel," Anton explained to their confused looks at the tiny, pathetic tree substitute.

Valkyrie shrugged, taking one of Tanith mince pies from a plate on the buffet table and went to open her presents. Beside her, Ghastly and Erskine unwrapped their own gifts. (Erskine was wearing a festive onesie.)

"Prada," Ghastly said in a hushed tone as he took the lid of a box to reveal a pair of perfectly shone loafers. However, not all his presents received the same welcome.

He opened the next box on his pile and brought out a flamboyantly bright monstrosity of a Hawaiian shirt.

"This is the year Christmas died," he said with a solemn face.

"I think it has some pizzaz," Dexter said as Erskine rolled around in silent mirth beside him. "You got me it, didn't you?" Ghastly replied in a monotone.

"I sure did," Dexter said happily. "I was in Hawaii a few months ago, and I don't know, this shirt just called '_Ghastly_' to me, so I bought it."

"It calls 'I must be burned' to me," the tailor mumbled, but he was eventually forced into wearing it by Dexter and Erskine. "This is why I hate Christmas," he said as he looked down at the garish shirt. No-one was really listening, so he went into the kitchen and ate a mince pie by himself.

"Black Opppppppps," Anto hissed as he tore open his present from Leo to reveal the game.

On the other side of the 'tree' not everyone shared Anton's reverence of presents.

"What did you ask for, Fletcher?" Tanith asked as she sat beside the boy, looking slightly upset amid his mess of Christmas wrappings. "Well, there's this Scottish TV programme called Gary Tank Commander that I've been watching recently," he began, "and I asked for a goldfish so I could call it that." "You would call it Gary Tank Commander?" "Yes. Because fishes live in tanks, and it would be the commander of its own. It would literally be Gary Tank Commander."

Tanith honestly looked like she had nothing to say.

**(Silent night)**

Valkyrie, Anton and Tanith jumped onto the couch while Skulduggery and Erskine followed in a more dignified manner. "So, Doctor Who," Skulduggery said in a sweet voice, and Erskine muttered something unintelligable as he thrust the remote at him. During dinner Erskine had lost the fight on whether to watch Merlin or Doctor Who after the meal - Skulduggery had won after an inventive way of throwing roast potatoes.

"Nobody likes a sore loser, Erskine," Skulduggery said as he flicked through the channels. "It's an idiotic thing to be. Stupid. Senile. In fact, I would say you're...retardis."

This was backed up by the sound of the Doctor Who opening credits and everyone groaning at the worst joke since Anton's 'ho ho ho' Christmas cracker line.

Midway through the programme, Erskine left with the whispered excuse that he was going to watch Merlin online on his laptop.

It wasn't until Doctor Who had ended, and everyone was lounging around the TV, that they remembered Erskine had left.

A high, keening sound was coming from Anton's office. Everyone looked at one another, alarmed, but before anyone could take action Erskine stumbled from the office ashen-faced.

"Is it true?" he croaked. "Does Arthur really die in the series finale?"

There was a silence, broken only by Dexter humming Love You Like A Love Song in the kitchen.

"Erskine..."

"No," the Grand Mage said, beginning to shake. "Arthur dies in the legends eventually, I know, but...he's supposed to rule Camelot for _years_, and he's so young, and oh God, the l-look on Merlin's fa-a-a-ce, and oh no..." He covered his face with his hands and sunk slowly to the floor.

Anton looked at the others and put down his peach schnapps, crossing the room quickly to kneel beside his friend. "It's OK," he soothed, rubbing Erskine's back and motioning the others to leave. "It'll all be fine...do you want to read a Merlin fanfic, maybe you'll feel better..."

"AND PERCIVAL AND GWAINE!" Erskine screamed, causing Fletcher to jolt awake and spill mulled wine down his maroon Christmas jumper. "HE LEANED HIS HEAD ON GWAINE'S AND NOW IT'S ONLY HIM AND LEON LEFT, AND THE OTHER KNIGHTS, OH THE KNIGHTS, MY _BABIES_-"

Ghastly began hustling everyone out the room, but they still heard Erskine as he sobbed "When Arthur said goodbye, I know he was going to say it, he was going to say 'I love you', and their faces, and they hugged, and..."

Ghastly quietly closed the door as sounds resembling 'WA's began to emnate from Erskine's mouth.

"That's the man who pays my cheques," Skulduggery said, shaking his head as he reached for the turkey wings.

**(Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow)**

"It's snowing!" Fletcher exclaimed as most of the group left the Hotel in the early hours of Boxing Day.

"Just what we need," Skulduggery said to Valkyrie as she tugged on her scarf. "Dangerous roads and a joyful Fletcher."

She hit his arm, though she couldn't help her sigh as Fletcher skated across the ground. "Guys, have you seen this ice? It's, like, frozen!"

He attempted to do a twirl on the ice, overbalanced, and spent a moment flailing on one foot before twisting and falling onto Ghastly, knocking them both over.

The group laughed as they looked down on Fletcher splayed across the Elder's chest.

"When I die," Ghastly gasped, "make me into a pair of loafers so I can share my beauty with the world."

"You're not going to die," Tanith said as she and Valkyrie helped the two males up. "Just maybe have a killer headache in the morning."

"God spoke to me," Fletcher murmured as Dexter and a recovered Erskine carried him into the latter's car. "He wished me Merry Christmas. And said my hair was ridiculous."

"Sleep, little Renn," Erskine said, patting the blonde's forehead. "Try not to be sick on my seats."

He shut the back door. "I better be getting home," Erskine said to Dexter. "I'll drop Fletcher off on my way." Dexter yawned. "Good, good. You know, I'd go straight to bed if I were you, mate. You look pretty tired." He clapped a hand to Erskine's back and made his way over to his own car. Erskine called goodbye to those who were leaving and smiled as they wished him a good night.

Erskine was still smiling as he drove off, but unbeknowst to him his Christmas present from Dexter was waiting for him at home, lying secure under the covers of his bed, none other than Freddie the sloth.


	57. My Lovely Horse: Father Ted

_**I am incredibly sorry for this, because it's just incredibly awful. I just wanted to post a short something letting everyone know I'm not dead, and I should be updating (hopefully longer and better) chapters of SkulBook and Starlight sometime soon.**_

_**Also, I really needed to write something cracky to take my mind off how scarring LSOTDM was.**_

* * *

When Erskine knocked on Ghastly's office door to inform him there was an immediate threat loose and the Sanctuary had to be evacuated, Ghastly only blinked once and put down the mug of coffee he'd been about to drink.

He looked at it regretfully. He really needed that coffee.

"Are you sure we have to leave?" he asked Erskine. "If it's some sort of world-annihilating disaster I'm sure Valkyrie and Skulduggery will deal with it in the next ten minutes or so."

Erskine acknowledged this with a tip of his head, but his weary expression didn't change. "This isn't exactly normal protocol. Something escaped from the Menagerie."

Ghastly yawned, rising from his swivel chair and pulling on his immaculately tailored jacket. "What is it this time? A manticore? Salamander? One of the hybrid fire spiders?"

"Not exactly." Erskine bit his lip, looking unsure of whether to laugh or sigh. "It's a unicorn."

Ghastly looked at him, deadpan, waiting for the followup. None was given. "...Come again?"

* * *

"I didn't know I wasn't supposed to touch the control panel!" Fletcher hissed as he and Valkyrie ran down the corridor, both flinging themselves to the side against an intersecting branch and breathing sighs of relief as the sound of beating hooves faded as the unicorn lost interest in them and made its way after a group of fleeing mages.

Valkyrie glared balefully at him. "You seriously didn't stop to think? 'Oh, maybe I shouldn't touch this button and royally screw everything up just like the idiot in every movie ever?'"

"Come on, did you honestly think a unicorn would go on a homicidal rampage?"

"No," Valkyrie admitted grudgingly. "He sure gored Staven. The Nye's going to have to spend some time fixing him up."

A new voice broke into their conversation. "With any luck the unicorn will kill the Nye and the world will be short of one hermaphroditic creeper. Hey, there's a sentence I thought I'd never say."

Fletcher jumped, turned around, saw who had spoken, jumped again, and frowned. "Anton, why the hell are you here? Why are you always..._around_?" He waved his arms to emphasise his point.

Anton shrugged. "I'm just that guy."

He slid down the wall, awkwardly situating himself between Valkyrie and Fletcher, wrapping an arm around both of their shoulders. The two of them didn't look best pleased at this new arrangement.

"So, there's an angry unicorn on the loose and we've got to stop it. Any thoughts?"

"You're the one with years of experience on us," Valkyrie grumbled.

"Very astute, _mon petit cherie_," Anton said, flicking her nose.

"Don't do that."

"Fine."

None of them said anything. In the distance they could hear screams and excited whinnying. (Anton's arms were still around them. It really didn't help to alleviate the absurdity of the situation.)

"We should send Fletcher to talk to it. Aren't unicorns supposed to like virgins?"

"_Anton_," Valkyrie and Fletcher both said at the same time. The man himself only blinked his long black lashes innocently. The sound of hooves began to increase in volume and Anton pulled out his phone, murmuring about having sent a text to Erskine.

"No signal in this part of the building. Figures. He'll find us soon enough though, he installed GPS in my phone."

Valkyrie and Fletcher stared at him. "Erskine put a tracker in your phone?"

"Yeah, a few years ago," Anton said with a completely unruffled tone. "He worries." His eyes softened and Valkyrie and Fletcher looked at each other with matching _what-the-fuck_ expressions.

"Where's Skulduggery when you actually need him?" Valkyrie bit out as she flipped her own phone out of her pocket.

Suddenly, as if he'd been there all along, a skeleton was leaning against the wall that the trio on the floor were sitting against.

"Would you like a jelly baby?" Skulduggery said, offering one to Valkyrie.

"Finally," she huffed, taking one and slipping it on her tongue.

"Apologies. Taking care of the vampire took longer than I anticipated." He moved his skull fluidly to the left, then rotated it back to them. "Now, I suggest we get a move on, because that unicorn is heading right for us, and it's got blood smeared all over its admittedly magnificent horn."

Anton was the first to scramble to his feet and, looking rather proud of that fact, proclaimed "Haha you pathetic bitches," at Valkyrie and Fletcher and ran off before either they or Skulduggery could punch his arm.

They set off after him, but after a few moments Valkyrie noticed Fletcher wasn't at her elbow and swivelled around. He was standing a couple of paces behind her, holding up his iPhone, seemingly uncaring about the blood-soaked animal charging towards him.

"Come on!" Valkyrie yelled.

Fletcher merely flapped his free hand at her. "One second, I need to take a unicorn selfie-"

"FLETCHER."

"God, fine..." Fletcher tapped his finger to the screen once, grimaced at what must have been a poor quality shot and ran back to Valkyrie, stuffing his phone in his jeans pocket while they raced after Skulduggery and Anton, who had reached the door to the next corridor and were holding it open.

"Get back," Skulduggery warned, and Valkyrie and Skulduggery jumped backwards behind him as the unicorn bolted past them, carried by its own momentum, and flew through the doorway. Skulduggery jerked his hand forward, sending the door crashing shut

After a split second unicorn banged into it, but failed to make any impression in the thick wood. Every so often they could hear it snorting with frustration as it butted against some section of the door or wall to no avail.

"Well, we're here for the forseeable future," Anton said casually, casting his gaze around the abandoned corridor. "Anyone for a foursome?"

* * *

"I'm sorry, but the fact that you have GPS installed on your boyfriend's phone is a bit...weird."

Erskine glared at him. "It's in case something happens, he's almost as much of a target for danger as we are. Anything could happen to him when I'm not there."

"Sure, whatever justifies your weirdness. Can you find him?"

Erskine tapped the screen of his phone. "The signal's very weak, but I'm pretty sure it's one room across and two down from here."

He led them both through the door adjoining their room to the next and gestured from Ghastly to the ground. "Shall I let you do the honours?"

Ghastly raised his hands, feeling the air spaces around him, and there was soon a crater-like hole in the floor, through which they could see identical carpet about eight feet down. Erskine sat on the lip of the gap and turned his head back to Ghastly.

"You coming?"

Somewhere inside Ghastly's head, the voice that sounded like Anton's cackled gleefully.

"Uh...yes, sure."

He followed Erskine after the other male pushed himself off the ledge and gradually displaced the air so he hit the floor with a minimal thud.

In this room Erskine was the one who blasted away the floor, and the two were soon landing on another patch of carpet in a corridor beside Anton, Skulduggery, Valkyrie and Fletcher.

"Nice of you to...drop in," Fletcher said, before bursting out laughing and slapping his knee at his own joke.

"What's the situation?" Erskine asked, turning to Skulduggery, the only person out of the group he could trust to be semi-serious in this situation.

"There is an angry unicorn trapped inside that room. That really just sums up the situation."

Erskine focused, and sure enough, over the sounds of Anton and Fletcher's thumb war he could make out a soft whinnying that drafted out from under the door they were grouped around.

"We'll have to let it out sooner or later," said Ghastly, the one person Erskine could trust to be _fully_ serious in this situation. "But we've dealt with much worse than a pissed-off unicorn. We can restrain it somehow, keep it under control until we contact the Menagerie mages to come and get it."

Erskine nodded, slowly working out the pieces of a plan in his mind. "Right. OK. You two will stand on either side of me while I open the doors, then, I don't know, thunk it over the head so it falls asleep." He liked to think that in the inevitable report he'd have to compile on this, he'd replace the word 'thunk' with something less likely to annoy animal rights activists.

"Just as long as it doesn't hurt your pretty face," Anton - who was clearly paying more attention to the conversation than he let on - called from over his shoulder.

Erskine blushed, and tried to ignore the smirks coming from Ghastly and Skulduggery. (Well, the smirk from Ghastly and the general aura of a smirk from Skulduggery.)

"You three, get down the the corridor," he said brusquely to Anton, Valkyrie and Fletcher. "If the unicorn gets past us either try to stop it or Teleport out of the way. And Fletcher, for the love of God, please don't try to Teleport onto its back."

Fletcher scowled, but gave a gruging noise of assent.

As the trio began to troop further down the corridor, Erskine rolled up his sleeves. "Ready?" he said to Skulduggery and Ghastly, who both nodded.

Erskine took a step forward and raised his hands, palms straight, to wrench open the door, when it burst open of its own accord and the unicorn rode out, stopping when it was halfway towards them.

The creature's head was proudly raised, regarding them all with something quite different from the murderous intent that Erskine was sure had it had been full of earlier. From somewhere behind Erskine, Fletcher's jaw audibly dropped, but not at the unicorn.

It was the way Thrasher and Scapegrace were sitting majestically atop it.

"Now this whole sitation has just become a slash fanfic," Anton muttered.

"Greetings, friends," Thrasher announced, his voice slightly muffled by a decaying shoulder. He shifted his arms more securely around Scapegrace's waist.

"As you can see, we have tamed the unicorn. Well, I sort of stood and sang to it, it was really Master Scapegrace who-"

"Yes, yes, we know, I'm brilliant," Scapegrace said with some impatience. "It turns out that zombies are apparently surprisingly good at taming unicorns. Who knew?"

"Maybe it's just gay zombies, Master."

Scapegrace nodded sagely. "That's a good point."

"Pinch me, I'm dreaming," Anton hissed. Erskine felt he rather echoed his sentiments, but at that moment he thought he might have forgotten how to speak.

"How did you...?" Ghastly's voice tailed off, evidently unsure of what question he was going to ask.

"We sensed it," Scapegrace said, petting the unicorn's silky, although heavily bloodstained, mane fondly. "So we followed its trail until we found it. I talked and Thrasher...sang, and we decided that we didn't have to kill people _all _the time, do we now," he crooned. The unicorn snorted, tossing its head back, and Erskine could have sworn it looked _happy._

"We'll be taking Reginald off your hands," Scapegrace raised his head to address the shell-shocked group at large. "He'll be glad to stay with us." He smiled down, as one might smile down at their newly born child. "Oh, just wait until you taste ice cream..."

He gaved the unicorn (Reginald?) another rub on the head, and with a click of Thrasher's teeth the unicorn whinnied and started into a gallop, forcing those on the ground to jump aside to let it past. Erskine thought he head Scapegrace shout "Tally-ho!" as they rounded the corner out of sight.

"What? Was that? I? What?"

Anton patted Fletcher's back. "Don't worry. They clearly have a weird and wonderful love life that is far too colourful for us mere mortals to comprehend."

"The Menagerie isn't going to get that unicorn back, is it," Erskine stated dully. Great. More paperwork to fill out.

"Whatever happens," Anton told him, one arm slung around his shoulders as the group began to make their way to the Sanctuary's upper levels, "we saw a gay couple on a unicorn today. That's one anecdote we can tell at parties."

And, Erskine supposed, he was right.


End file.
